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Wish that was an option. If I deprive him if his luxuries I'm the worst in the world. I only bring a little bit of money into the household each week so I feel like I cant ask when he is working at least 55 hours a week for us.
He can screw another woman but you can't deprive him of his luxuries because he works more hours than you.

Makes perfect sense
 

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In one post, you say that you thought you had a good marriage.

Then you say that your girls already hate their own father for how he treats you. And that's before this event.

That he is a narcissist and has made you feel worthless throughout this relationship.

So it's a good marriage in your eyes only.
Your children see it differently.

Surely this shows you that you need out of this relationship ASAP anyway.

You have just been handed the best reason ever to release yourself from his hold over you.

But he is all you have ever known, so for you it is hard to know that there is life again after a divorce or split, and often it's a better life.

You need to get your inner strength back dear lady. Get to the gym, or workout at home. Don't let your mind water the lies he plants in there as little seeds of self doubt. Uproot everyone of those nasty growths, and replant with positive versions.
Speak to people, to family, get their support.
Read online about recovery from narcissistic relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
You might want to shoot higher than your old life, such as a life without a husband who has everything but still wants more. So, keep posting here. Get things off your chest. TAM unleashes the power of the Internet. You have an amazing group of people at your disposal.
It actually feels good to be able to talk to someone.
He can screw another woman but you can't deprive him of his luxuries because he works more hours than you.

Makes perfect sense
He's a narcissist everything is about him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
In one post, you say that you thought you had a good marriage.

Then you say that your girls already hate their own father for how he treats you. And that's before this event.

That he is a narcissist and has made you feel worthless throughout this relationship.

So it's a good marriage in your eyes only.
Your children see it differently.

Surely this shows you that you need out of this relationship ASAP anyway.

You have just been handed the best reason ever to release yourself from his hold over you.

But he is all you have ever known, so for you it is hard to know that there is life again after a divorce or split, and often it's a better life.

You need to get your inner strength back dear lady. Get to the gym, or workout at home. Don't let your mind water the lies he plants in there as little seeds of self doubt. Uproot everyone of those nasty growths, and replant with positive versions.
Speak to people, to family, get their support.
Read online about recovery from narcissistic relationships.
I joined a gym but I just can't get the motivation to go. Everything is just so hard at the moment.
I know life will be better without him but its so scary to go alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
I joined a gym but I just can't get the motivation to go. Everything is just so hard at the moment.
I know life will be better without him but its so scary to go alone.
I have told him to go today but he won't leave because he has no where to go
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Does he gave no family? A friend he can stay with?
No family and no close friends. His lady friend is on holidays but when she gets back I'm sure he'll go straight to her.
I told him I need him to go now so I can start my healing. Im in so much pain I cant imagine it ever going away. I just want me old life back. I told him I hate him for what he has done to us.
 

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No family and no close friends. His lady friend is on holidays but when she gets back I'm sure he'll go straight to her.
I told him I need him to go now so I can start my healing. Im in so much pain I cant imagine it ever going away. I just want me old life back. I told him I hate him for what he has done to us.
He can stay in a motel/hotel for a few days. It will get better, time does heal honestly. Many have a better life than before as well. Hard to believe for you now of course, but its true.
I cant imagine being married to a narcissist, let alone with the cheating. Your children seem to be able to see more clearly how awful he has been to you. For their sakes as well, cut him off for good.
 

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So it's a good marriage in your eyes only.
Your children see it differently.

Surely this shows you that you need out of this relationship ASAP anyway.
About this Maree, this may help motivate you to improve your life. Your kids have SEEN this relationship as an "example" of what marriage is -- they KNOW he is not treating you well, so YOUR reaction (booting him out and moving on with your life) will be very helpful for your children to see how to handle this situation.
 

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You must do everything you can to move on from this guy. Detach.

I promise you that this is going to get better and you are going to be alright in the long run. You will have joy again, but the sooner you separate from him the sooner that will happen.
 

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I have my mother and sister to talk to. I know I need to tell him to go but I honestly don't think I can do life without him. I hate saying that because I always thought I was strong and would say if he ever cheated on me that would be the end of our marriage but instead I am doing everything I can to make him want to stay.
I hate the person I have become
I promise you, you are stronger than you think. He has made you believe you are weak, it was one of his lies stop believing it. Embrace the unknown and be excited by it. Once you get away from him you will have control over building the life you want. You will need a lot of support from family at the beginning. I'm sure you can find various groups in your area to get out and meet people to start building a good social network. Do it now and within 2 years you will love yourself more than you ever have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
His gone for good now, one day short of our 28th wedding anniversary. I know he doesn't deserve my tears. He couldn't even have the guts to say good bye to his 11 year old boy.
I know he doesn't deserve our love and he's an awful man but I still want him back with me. I just want to feel happy again and be positive about my future.
God this is the hardest thing, the constant pain in my chest, the images in my head of him and her together its all too much I feel like I will never see the good days again. I just want to go to sleep for the next 12 months and then wake up and it will be all gone. I need strength but I just don't have any.
 

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His gone for good now, one day short of our 28th wedding anniversary. I know he doesn't deserve my tears. He couldn't even have the guts to say good bye to his 11 year old boy.
I know he doesn't deserve our love and he's an awful man but I still want him back with me. I just want to feel happy again and be positive about my future.
God this is the hardest thing, the constant pain in my chest, the images in my head of him and her together its all too much I feel like I will never see the good days again. I just want to go to sleep for the next 12 months and then wake up and it will be all gone. I need strength but I just don't have any.
What you are going through is BRUTALLY painful, and I'm SO sorry that anyone has to deal with this type of hurt and betrayal.

First I want you to realize that you need to STOP hating yourself for anything, especially being "weak"...it's not weakness -- it's FEAR. And you have NO reason to blame yourself for being afraid. Almost everyone else would be just as afraid in the same situation!!! So the first thing you need to do is to stop bashing yourself like HE has been bashing you. You need to comfort and care for yourself during this terribly difficult time!

The reason you don't feel like you have any strength is because you are mired in depression right now. It makes decisive, concrete actions almost impossible. And it's a natural emotional reaction to what has happened to you and your marriage.

I don't believe you are crying for HIM...I believe you are spending your tears on the loss of your marriage and the destruction of the future you planned on having - so your HOPE. When he was with you, no matter how much of a loser he was, you still had HOPE that you were going to change things and that he would come around, and that you would both be happy again. Losing our hope is actually devastating to us emotionally, because it takes optimism and joy with it. Of course you feel like you can't go on...

You are going to need to MOURN the loss of your hopes for your future and your marriage just like you would mourn the death of a friend or loved one. It's a GRIEVING process, and you MUST go through it to recover and make it to the other side!

Here are two links I think might help you to check out...



PLEASE keep posting for support if you need to!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
What you are going through is BRUTALLY painful, and I'm SO sorry that anyone has to deal with this type of hurt and betrayal.

First I want you to realize that you need to STOP hating yourself for anything, especially being "weak"...it's not weakness -- it's FEAR. And you have NO reason to blame yourself for being afraid. Almost everyone else would be just as afraid in the same situation!!! So the first thing you need to do is to stop bashing yourself like HE has been bashing you. You need to comfort and care for yourself during this terribly difficult time!

The reason you don't feel like you have any strength is because you are mired in depression right now. It makes decisive, concrete actions almost impossible. And it's a natural emotional reaction to what has happened to you and your marriage.

I don't believe you are crying for HIM...I believe you are spending your tears on the loss of your marriage and the destruction of the future you planned on having - so your HOPE. When he was with you, no matter how much of a loser he was, you still had HOPE that you were going to change things and that he would come around, and that you would both be happy again. Losing our hope is actually devastating to us emotionally, because it takes optimism and joy with it. Of course you feel like you can't go on...

You are going to need to MOURN the loss of your hopes for your future and your marriage just like you would mourn the death of a friend or loved one. It's a GRIEVING process, and you MUST go through it to recover and make it to the other side!

Here are two links I think might help you to check out...



PLEASE keep posting for support if you need to!!!!!!
Thank you for post. It helps along to talk about it. I tell everyone around me they don't understand and they get angry with me, but unless you have been through it I dont anyone can completely understand. Support is just what I need now. I hate the feeling of wanting him to come back, but knowing I can never have him in my life again. I try to remind me of all the awful times with him and much of an awful person he is but unfortunatly I go back to the good times and just go back to missing him again.
It kills me to know that he is out there starting a new life with his mistress happy and hopeful for their future together.
I just want this pain in my chest to go away.
 

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Beautiful post @LisaDiane. So true.

I just want this pain in my chest to go away.
If this is a physical pain, get it checked out by the doctor right away, please. If you're talking about a broken heart, we hear you. So much. I'm so sad that this terrible thing is happening to you. It's like Lisa said though. It's a loss, and we all have to grieve over a loss in order to heal. It feels like it will never get better, but it will.

When you have healed, you will be able to hold onto those good times as good memories, but right now they are poison. You need to detach from him. He is, by his own choosing and through no fault of your own, the enemy. He did not cheat because of anything you did or did not do. I want to repeat that line over and over. He cheated because he made a choice to do so. He CHOSE to cheat on his wife AND his family. This is not what a good man does.

You do need support. Lots. Most people really don't understand if such betrayal has never been part of their lives. Most people are also not very good at dealing with painful situations. They want to make you feel better, but they can't and that makes them uncomfortable.

There are lots of good people here who understand and want to help, so post as often as you want/need.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Beautiful post @LisaDiane. So true.



If this is a physical pain, get it checked out by the doctor right away, please. If you're talking about a broken heart, we hear you. So much. I'm so sad that this terrible thing is happening to you. It's like Lisa said though. It's a loss, and we all have to grieve over a loss in order to heal. It feels like it will never get better, but it will.

When you have healed, you will be able to hold onto those good times as good memories, but right now they are poison. You need to detach from him. He is, by his own choosing and through no fault of your own, the enemy. He did not cheat because of anything you did or did not do. I want to repeat that line over and over. He cheated because he made a choice to do so. He CHOSE to cheat on his wife AND his family. This is not what a good man does.

You do need support. Lots. Most people really don't understand if such betrayal has never been part of their lives. Most people are also not very good at dealing with painful situations. They want to make you feel better, but they can't and that makes them uncomfortable.

There are lots of good people here who understand and want to help, so post as often as you want/need.
Today is day 2. I just want to have my old life back. I try so hard to hate him. My kids say they can only remember the bad times with him and I can only remember the good. I wish I was like the kids and it would be so much easier.
I think for me the frustrating thing is he was the awful person but he got to make the choice to walk away and end our marriage when it should of me saying to him to go.
 

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Wish that was an option. If I deprive him if his luxuries I'm the worst in the world. I only bring a little bit of money into the household each week so I feel like I cant ask when he is working at least 55 hours a week for us.
He also thinks counseling is a waste of time.
The counseling should not be for the marriage. The counseling should be for YOU, so you can see your own worth, and that you should not be treated like this. Once you change your attitude about yourself, you will gain the strength to do what you want to do, but are unable to do---dump your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
The counseling should not be for the marriage. The counseling should be for YOU, so you can see your own worth, and that you should not be treated like this. Once you change your attitude about yourself, you will gain the strength to do what you want to do, but are unable to do---dump your husband.
My husband left for good 2 days ago to start his new life with his mistress. He didn't say goodbye to anyone including his 11 year old son. Its pathetic that after all his betrayal his still got to make the final decision to leave his family and end our marriage.
I know there will be a day I look back and realise he was toxic to me, but at the moment it feels like that day will never come.
 

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My husband left for good 2 days ago to start his new life with his mistress. He didn't say goodbye to anyone including his 11 year old son. Its pathetic that after all his betrayal his still got to make the final decision to leave his family and end our marriage.
I know there will be a day I look back and realise he was toxic to me, but at the moment it feels like that day will never come.
So, I KNOW you will immediately want to defend him, but your husband isn't a MAN -- he's a scumbag.
No real MAN would just drop his responsibilities like this -- at the VERY LEAST he should have discussed with you.
He doesn't even say goodbye to his son? What kind of sociopath is this guy?
And yeah, he also is an awful person to have an affair when he has a wife who loves and WAS devoted to him.

Get with a good SHARK lawyer and get moving past this as soon as you can. You say the kids only remember the bad -- TALK with them. Let THEM get those memories out. It will help them, and also help YOU realize that the memories you thought you had were actually rose-colored memories and not reality.
 
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