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Assuming he wasn't joking (and I'm not saying it's a valid excuse), but anyone who invokes divorce for reasons beyond the obvious is a douche. Something like gaining weight is absolutely ridiculous. Job or you? Seriously, tell him if you could choose between him and being single, you'll choose single...and leave him. He sucks.
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His comments are over the top.

Way over the top.

It's like he's got no filter whatsoever.

I'm not sure he doesn't mean those things. There's no reason to believe that he isn't completely serious.
 

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Before I read what your H actually said I was thinking -- people say things inartfully all the time, I've certainly blurted out some things I regret in my day. But those seem more mean than accidental.

Well, my H does say he would divorce me if I got fat but he does it kind of joking, actually, he thinks he means it but he knows I'm very vain about my weight unless something physical happened that caused weight gain I won't be gaining weight. And if an illness/injury happened (as opposed to me just letting myself go) he would understand.

Back to your hubby ... the whole "I'd choose my job over you" comment actually bothers me more. It's like he's making it a point to let you know you do not come first in his life. Is there some reason he would have to choose? Has he ever taken it back or apologized? Both comments seem unnecessary, but that one bothers me the most for some reason.


People often say things they don't mean. So, do you forgive and forget when your spouse says something that hurts your feelings? I feel like I shouldn't dwell on things, but I can't seem to get some things he has said to me out of my head.

I'm sure I'm not innocent and I'm sure I've said some things too. No one is perfect!

He told me that if I gained weight, he'd divorce me. He has also said that if he had to choose between me or his job, he'd choose his job.

I suppose if we were getting along, I'd be thinking of the nice things he's done for me. As for now, when we aren't getting along, I keep thinking about these statements.

What are your thoughts about what I have written here?
 

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People often say things they don't mean. So, do you forgive and forget when your spouse says something that hurts your feelings? I feel like I shouldn't dwell on things, but I can't seem to get some things he has said to me out of my head.

I'm sure I'm not innocent and I'm sure I've said some things too. No one is perfect!

He told me that if I gained weight, he'd divorce me. He has also said that if he had to choose between me or his job, he'd choose his job.

I suppose if we were getting along, I'd be thinking of the nice things he's done for me. As for now, when we aren't getting along, I keep thinking about these statements.

What are your thoughts about what I have written here?[/QUOTE

How long have you been married?

What else is going on? It seems odd that he would say these things to you -just as a matter of course.

Context....it's critical
 

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Without background on what other problems are present in your marriage, your H sounds like a complete d$ck and wants it to be clear that you are at the bottom of his list (maybe in his eyes you aren't, but at a minimum he is trying to control you to feel that way).
 

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Tell him it's good that he'd take his job, he'll need it just to afford a cardboard box after you take him to the cleaners in divorce.


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Why do you stay with this man?
 

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People often say things they don't mean. So, do you forgive and forget when your spouse says something that hurts your feelings? I feel like I shouldn't dwell on things, but I can't seem to get some things he has said to me out of my head.
Ruminating in your thoughts only guarantees further suffering.

The reality is that no person makes any other person feel a certain way. You felt insulted because you have negative associations with what was said and who said it. That said, I am not defending those that insult. This is actually something that I need to say to empower victims of verbal abuse. In fact, when you realize the power that you have within you, you can remove the power from those that say "harmful" words.

I have a lot of tools and mindsets that really help those that receive harsh words. I developed these out of a personal need before I began doing what I do for others. I used to be a victim of harsh words. Now I am not. The only thing that changed was...... me. The reality is that we inform others how to treat us and we do this with methods that go beyond verbally doing so.

I'm sure I'm not innocent and I'm sure I've said some things too. No one is perfect!
Everyone makes mistakes and I feel its all about learning from them and moving on.

He told me that if I gained weight, he'd divorce me. He has also said that if he had to choose between me or his job, he'd choose his job.
Those are things you have to sort out in terms of his relationship intentions.

I suppose if we were getting along, I'd be thinking of the nice things he's done for me. As for now, when we aren't getting along, I keep thinking about these statements.
My question would be whether he would stick to these statements a week from the argument or not. For this situation, it needs to be ironed out.


What are your thoughts about what I have written here?
The best way for you to iron this out is to approach him from a position of strength. A commonly recommended way to approach him will most likely backfire. What we have to do here is put the weight on his shoulders and do it without emotions getting too much involved. That is easier said than done, but when done right it is far more powerful than you can imagine.

I don't know the full story here, but it seems to me from what you told me that his statements are coming from his desire to exert influence on you. I don't know his level of investment in the relationship, now how things are between these exchanges of words.
 

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People often say things they don't mean. So, do you forgive and forget when your spouse says something that hurts your feelings? I feel like I shouldn't dwell on things, but I can't seem to get some things he has said to me out of my head.

I'm sure I'm not innocent and I'm sure I've said some things too. No one is perfect!

He told me that if I gained weight, he'd divorce me. He has also said that if he had to choose between me or his job, he'd choose his job.

I suppose if we were getting along, I'd be thinking of the nice things he's done for me. As for now, when we aren't getting along, I keep thinking about these statements.

What are your thoughts about what I have written here?
Your H doesn't sound very loving.

We all say things we regret particularly in the heat of the moment. I realise in my own marriage, I remember EVERYTHING, even statements made years ago, my husband does not and hence his memory of the past is a better version than mine (that could be something to do with his alcohol induced fogs!).

Nevertheless, remembering everything can result in resentment piling up and eventual bitterness taking root, not a good place to be. Shake it off. However, this does not give your H the right to belittle you, make you feel bad about yourself, etc. My new motto is to confront my H when he says something that hurts me, offends me, etc. It is not comfortable doing this, but it is necessary.

We have both agreed to do this, it is part of communication. if an outsider or colleague spoke to you like this, you would take them up on it, therefore why should you allow someone who is supposed to be your other half, speak to you like this.

He is taking you for granted, take back your power and call him out on his statements in future. Also learn how to forgive, for your own benefit, resentment becomes bitter and destructive.
 
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