So glad to have stumbled across this place. I feel like I'm dying here.
My husband had what might be called an emotional affair nearly two years ago now with some woman he met on twitter. I discovered it for the first time when our phones got mixed up accidentally and I saw a troubling email message that sent me looking for more. I discovered that though he had not met her yet in person, they had talked by phone a few times and even exchanged gifts (books) via the mail. he was planning to meet up with her at a conference he was attending not too far from where she lives.
I confronted him, there was a huge blowup-- he was incredibly angry with me for violating his privacy, etc. We started therapy, and things seemed to be improving somewhat... but then a few months in as he was preparing to attend another conference in the same location, I was feeling something was off and snooped. I discovered he was plotting to meet up with her yet again. It's this second betrayal that hurts the most-- knowing how much I was hurt by this first betrayal, he continued having a relationship with her via twitter and email, then plotted yet again to see her. We haven't been to therapy since that-- he's too embarrassed to go back and is convinced a therapist would just "take my side."
He's explained Betrayal 2 in multiple ways over the years-- that he was trying to punish me for my initial invading of his privacy, or he did it because he was having an identity crisis following the death of his father, or he did it just to prove to himself that nothing was going to happen (though another time he did confess that he might have kissed her or even slept with her had he actually gone and met her). I'm still confused and exhausted by the whole thing.
We've had issues in our marriage almost since the beginning. We've been married 10 years now and have two young children. If it weren't for the kids, I would have surely just divorced him by now. Over these years, he has withdrawn from me significantly. Sex is incredibly rare (a few times a year-- countable on one hand. Once we went a year and a half with nothing-- his choice, not mine). I crave other forms of physical affection-- hugs, kissing, anything-- and this has mostly disappeared too. I have brought up the issue several times over the years, and while things might change for a little while, eventually they go back to how they've been.
He is somewhat addicted to twitter, has become ,very popular there-- with thousands of followers. He's started writing longer things, too, and has had some success getting them published. He loves the attention. But I'm dying here.
I feel like he has this entire life online that I know very little about, and because of the nature of previous betrayals, I just can't help but still be concerned that these things can happen again. It has killed my self esteem and self worth, left me nearly suicidal even for while.
I stay because of my kids, but I still have a hard time getting past this. 2 years later, I feel like I still can't trust him. This frustrates him because it was so long ago now, but I keep ruminating on it and it's killing me.
I could use some insight. I don't know what to do. I love my children more than anything and would hate to bring any pain into their lives, but I feel a huge need for nurturing and love that just isn't being met in my marriage.
Thanks for listening.
My husband had what might be called an emotional affair nearly two years ago now with some woman he met on twitter. I discovered it for the first time when our phones got mixed up accidentally and I saw a troubling email message that sent me looking for more. I discovered that though he had not met her yet in person, they had talked by phone a few times and even exchanged gifts (books) via the mail. he was planning to meet up with her at a conference he was attending not too far from where she lives.
I confronted him, there was a huge blowup-- he was incredibly angry with me for violating his privacy, etc. We started therapy, and things seemed to be improving somewhat... but then a few months in as he was preparing to attend another conference in the same location, I was feeling something was off and snooped. I discovered he was plotting to meet up with her yet again. It's this second betrayal that hurts the most-- knowing how much I was hurt by this first betrayal, he continued having a relationship with her via twitter and email, then plotted yet again to see her. We haven't been to therapy since that-- he's too embarrassed to go back and is convinced a therapist would just "take my side."
He's explained Betrayal 2 in multiple ways over the years-- that he was trying to punish me for my initial invading of his privacy, or he did it because he was having an identity crisis following the death of his father, or he did it just to prove to himself that nothing was going to happen (though another time he did confess that he might have kissed her or even slept with her had he actually gone and met her). I'm still confused and exhausted by the whole thing.
We've had issues in our marriage almost since the beginning. We've been married 10 years now and have two young children. If it weren't for the kids, I would have surely just divorced him by now. Over these years, he has withdrawn from me significantly. Sex is incredibly rare (a few times a year-- countable on one hand. Once we went a year and a half with nothing-- his choice, not mine). I crave other forms of physical affection-- hugs, kissing, anything-- and this has mostly disappeared too. I have brought up the issue several times over the years, and while things might change for a little while, eventually they go back to how they've been.
He is somewhat addicted to twitter, has become ,very popular there-- with thousands of followers. He's started writing longer things, too, and has had some success getting them published. He loves the attention. But I'm dying here.
I feel like he has this entire life online that I know very little about, and because of the nature of previous betrayals, I just can't help but still be concerned that these things can happen again. It has killed my self esteem and self worth, left me nearly suicidal even for while.
I stay because of my kids, but I still have a hard time getting past this. 2 years later, I feel like I still can't trust him. This frustrates him because it was so long ago now, but I keep ruminating on it and it's killing me.
I could use some insight. I don't know what to do. I love my children more than anything and would hate to bring any pain into their lives, but I feel a huge need for nurturing and love that just isn't being met in my marriage.
Thanks for listening.
