[MarriedMike]

Here goes...

We've been married two years now and have been together for fourteen. I love her very much and don't want to leave, but the last year has been tough for the both of us I'm sure. She got on to this health kick, which both of us do from time to time. She spends a lot of her free time at the gym. Right now I'm not in to the gym and have many other interests that keep me busy. We don't eat together anymore because she barely eats, and won't eat what I like, which isn't mcdonalds or anything, but I do like to cook and make meals for myself. That use to be a huge part of us hanging out. Now after I get home from work, if she's home(she works retail), I basically hang out working on the house or cleaning, while she's exercising or watching TV. We don't do anything together anymore. In the past, I've always initiated vacations and dates, but I guess I've lost interest. I would like it if she would, and I've told her, but she never does. She bought a car last week without even telling me about it(which is fine as far as money goes, but I can't believe she didn't even ask for my help. The other day she told me I come home, am lethargic and then go to bed. Which might be a fair perception, but I think it's more because we don't have any of the same interests really any more, and we tend to hang out in different rooms and do our own thing. It's just been going on for too long now, and I don't know what to do. Sex is also becoming rare. We don't really fight, but we do like to say mean things to each other and then walk away. We've tried talking several times lately but neither of us understands where the other is coming from. I feel she doesn't do her fair share around the house either. I asked her several times to help me outside. We have quite a large yard and requires a lot of maintenance. Outside of cleaning the pool she has never helped with anything else. God forbid I bring this up to her. Just this morning I asked her to just fill up one bag of leaves for me...any little bit would be such a big help. She's off work today, and forget putting the idea in to her head that maybe on her day off she could help around the house. I suppose this is all petty stuff, but we haven't kissed each other goodbye in the morning for over a month. She stopped six months ago, and I stopped one month ago. Any insight would be very helpful...Thanks.

 

[Faithful Wife]

To me it sounds like you aren't really discussing these issues directly. To get to the bottom of any of it, you'll need to know where each other is coming from.

You said: "The other day she told me I come home, am lethargic and then go to bed. Which might be a fair perception, but I think it's more because we don't have any of the same interests really any more, and we tend to hang out in different rooms and do our own thing."

When she told you this, did you take the opportunity to discuss your feelings and get more out of her about her own feelings?

 

[homebuilder]

I feel like I'm on the same road as you, just a little behind you. It's weird how without even noticing you and your spouse can grow apart and become different people

 

[Emerald]

Before this health kick started, was your wife overweight? Do you think you had a good relationship before the health kick?

 

[MarriedMike]

You're right, it's just that every time we try one of us gets very defensive and walks away or clams up. We obviously don't see eye to eye. So what is the best way to start a rational, calm dialogue?

 

[MarriedMike]

She wasn't overweight. Neither of us are, the reason I brought it up is that it's just one more thing we don't have in common at the moment and she uses it against me some times.

 

[MarriedMike]

Also, how do you know when both of us are ready to do that(sit down and discuss)? Some times I feel like I'm ready and other days I get too angry and frustrated to do it. I suppose she might feel the same way.

Just doing this has been a big step for me and will help to start opening up to her. I guess I'm afraid of confrontation too.

 

[Emerald]

I see. She calls you lethargic because you don't go to the gym as much as she does. That's rude of her; maybe she is unhappy as you are & is lashing out.

If you want to fix your marriage besides the obvious MC, start small by kissing her goodbye tommorow.

 

[Faithful Wife]

"Also, how do you know when both of us are ready to do that(sit down and discuss)? Some times I feel like I'm ready and other days I get too angry and frustrated to do it."

After being together 14 years, have you never had a sit down discussion? Most couples have a way of doing this that works for them, even if the discussion doesn't go that well.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Honestly...

Sounds like a midlife re-evaluation of YOU and HER LIFE.

Gym? New car without discussion? Challenging your lifestyle? Year 14?

I'll bet there is a third party in your marriage. Minimally a EA....likely a gym guy.

Trust me.. been there done that. Start digging find the other party.

 

[nathaniel2518]

i feel i am on the same path only a few years behind too. you are right about finding the right time to sit down and talk about it. i often initiate conversation just to have 5 things that i don't do well told back to me before i even have time to think about it. i think the best way is initially through action. out to dinner organised by you. it is something i need to work on too

 

[CanadianGuy]

Sounds to me like you're both acting independently of one another. There is no interdependence in your marriage anymore. To go out and buy a new car without talking to you about it is a good example of her independence. There is no planning of "us" time in your marriage anymore because it sounds like there is no negotiation for a compromise. Sometimes what we like to do our spouses do not. I recommend and important first step would be to find something you both can be excited about doing together and make the time to go and do it. Perhaps extend the olive branch to her on this idea. See how it goes. It would be important to have a few activities to suggest that she might like to do with you.

 

[EleGirl]

Even more than a discussion of all the emotional baggage, you two of you need to just spend time together.

To maintain a strong, passionate bond, a couple should spend about 15 hours a week together doing date-like things... going for a walk togethere, out to dinner, just talking over coffe.. watching a movie or tv do not count because you are not focused on each other.

Start with small amounts of time. Bring her a cup of tea and sit and talk with her for a few minutes.

Change the dynamics... start going to gym with her. Just tell her that you realize that she's right you need to work out more. Ask her for tips.

One of you has to make the first move. You are here asking so it's you.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They could help you two quite a bit.