[alexm]

You are right, there is likely some OCD issues there. The reason I felt confidence was a problem is just some of the other little things like the need to build himself up (penis size, "I'm great at ...") or him comparing himself to other people. I don't think all people with obsessive thoughts have issues with confidence but many times problems are co-morbid. He specifically sounds, to me, like he has issues with confidence and maybe even depression causing OCD to worsen.
Either way, his therapy focus should be on himself and not what words his wife said. Likely they could have been anything to set him off.

I agree with this, and you are right.

As I said, I have very little issues with confidence (at least not with my wife. We all have confidence issues with something, I suppose.)

I remember my ex wife telling me an anecdote (and this is when we were 17, 18, just started dating) about how some guy she was seeing left the house a little... excited... one day, and how it was sticking right up, out of his pocket, and her mom noticed. A funny story, to be sure. But then it occurred to me how big he must have been to have poked up and be visible out of his pocket. I, of course, inquired, and sure enough, he was extra large.

It bothered me, but I suppose only because I could not replicate this feat (hey, I was like 18! Of course I tried!) And I was/am not small in that area, but not like that. One thing lead to another, and we had the expected "it was too big, it hurt, blah blah blah conversation.

So even then, it was not a "confidence" thing, but rather a comparison thing.

I've grown up since then. But still.

 

[NorCalMan]

My wife had a varied sex life prior to our meeting. I have found out that she had men who were bigger than me - smaller than me - and guys who "rocked her world". While these guys may have been great sex partners, they were lacking in other areas. Like wise I had a girlfriend once who was the best at sex I'd ever had ( or since!) I dropped her when I found out she had a drug problem and cheated on me. Eventually I met my wife and she and I are a great pair. We chose each other since when ALL things were considered, it was a perfect match! Am I the best lover my wife has ever had? Absolutely not ... and she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess.

 

[EleGirl]

Come on Ele, you have to know better than that. One brand new poster saying something contrary does not invalidate what multiple, level headed, long time posters have said. Of course there will be exceptions.

Except that I know of cases where there is no problem in the bedroom. But there is a huge problem with RJ and other shaming kind of treatment.

I agree that if there are problems in the relationship, RJ and other such behaviors are more likely to occur than when there are not problems.

But it happens often enough when there are no problems.

 

[wadenjam]

My wife had a varied sex life prior to our meeting. I have found out that she had men who were bigger than me - smaller than me - and guys who "rocked her world". While these guys may have been great sex partners, they were lacking in other areas. Like wise I had a girlfriend once who was the best at sex I'd ever had ( or since!) I dropped her when I found out she had a drug problem and cheated on me. Eventually I met my wife and she and I are a great pair. We chose each other since when ALL things were considered, it was a perfect match! Am I the best lover my wife has ever had? Absolutely not ... and she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess.

I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.

 

[aboutdone]

I love her and have for a long time. From way before we were together. She is a very liberated, confident woman which are things I love about her. I think she associated that with it being OK to say anything. I get the self esteem thing. I don't see this forum helping me anymore. Lots of great comments. Half my issue is I knew the dudes she told me extra details about. Her drinking is a big plus in the bedroom but she talks about other stuff. Signing off.

 

[amber74747474]

Everyone has a past . Whether you hear about it or not.just know almost every women has given head, received head,and has most likely had another man's cumb leak out of her. Js hun. People are dirty live with it because stressing about it will only ruin your sex life and possibly end your relationship

 

[amber74747474]

Damn...Can't get over a wife having had a no strings FWB, and another partner who was too large to have comfortable sex with.....

What if she sat around weepy eyed over a past "love of her life", or a guy that left her swooning from mind blowing sex...

You need to toughen up a bit...Unless you marry a virgin, your lady will have had sex with someone...I doubt you will find your virgin, and if you did, what if she was a lousy lay?....Would you walk around starry eyed over her purity? I doubt it. Learn to appreciate your wife for what she is.....

Did you have sex before you met your wife? Did you drive home all sticky from that woman...Yucky...Hell no, sex is what it is....get over it.....Or do without..

True

 

[sidney2718]

I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.

I think that what you say is the romantic ideal. But in real life it just doesn't happen very often. For the most part pre-marriage sex (unless it was a long term relationship) is a very different thing. In those situations you can have sex that leaves body parts tingling that you didn't know could tingle and you fall asleep with a grin of deep satisfaction on your face.

With your wife though you are thinking of many other things, including perhaps that you are lucky because after 20 years of marriage your wife is still interested in sex with you.

To my mind the most important thing in a marriage is that you and your wife should be best friends. Children are next. Sex is way down the list.

 

[BradWesley]

I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.

Just one question. How many sexual partners have you had during your lifetime?

 

[ConanHub]

Some people are simply better at sex than others, or are better at some sexual things than others, or fit better sexually with some people over others. That being the case it is naive to think that one's current partner can be the best sexual partner they have ever had, or that love itself can make a sexual partner the best sexual partner when they aren't.

Practice does make perfect. Mrs. Conan wasn't even the third best our first time and it wasn't that pleasurable for her either.

Within a week and about twenty sessions, I had her howling like a dog and begging for more.

She has also eclipsed all my previous partners and that was no small task.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[ConanHub]

I think that what you say is the romantic ideal. But in real life it just doesn't happen very often. For the most part pre-marriage sex (unless it was a long term relationship) is a very different thing. In those situations you can have sex that leaves body parts tingling that you didn't know could tingle and you fall asleep with a grin of deep satisfaction on your face.

With your wife though you are thinking of many other things, including perhaps that you are lucky because after 20 years of marriage your wife is still interested in sex with you.

To my mind the most important thing in a marriage is that you and your wife should be best friends. Children are next. Sex is way down the list.

Hahaha! Still hard for me to believe there are folks out there who believe this and live it. Different strokes and all, I guess.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Satya]

I love her and have for a long time. From way before we were together. She is a very liberated, confident woman which are things I love about her. I think she associated that with it being OK to say anything. I get the self esteem thing. I don't see this forum helping me anymore. Lots of great comments. Half my issue is I knew the dudes she told me extra details about. Her drinking is a big plus in the bedroom but she talks about other stuff. Signing off.

I'm a bit late to the thread, but I can relate a bit to your wife. I'm not condoning the detail with which she went off, but I'm a truth-teller by nature and my honesty has gotten me in trouble before. I've been with men that just don't want to know, such as my ex H who could be jealous (even though we were each other's firsts I'd dated once before him). Two men I dated post divorce (not simultaneously) were more sensitive to my truth so I would filter my words carefully but at the same time my mind would think, "what the hell, I was married before.... How could they rationalize away the TRUTH that I'd been intimate with another man? That I'd obviously done things with another man I do with them? Obviously they've been with other women and I get it..... " it was like walking on eggshells, never sure of whether a whiff of my past sexual experience would blow up in my face.

These relationships weren't meant to last because I could do nothing to behave in the right way for them other than to not be myself. Now, I would not share the level of detail your wife did, but I'd want to comfortably talk in broad terms about my past, and rationally talk about what I learned, and this was simply impossible, unwelcome, and offensive to them. So I guess I didn't come with a past in their minds... Im just not sure how the brain can choose to delude itself in that way.

I do think that what your wife did was harsh and careless in the moment, if she knew you well at all, but in a drunken state we sometimes spout real truth. Part of me feels she wanted to be honest, bare her soul, so she could feel human with the one person she vowed to be with for life. It's very difficult to know that you can't expect your spouse to accept who and what you were, nevermind who and what you are today because of your choices and actions in life. No one judges me harder than myself for the bone-headed things I've done in my life, but when your spouse really accepts you, an enormous amount of respect and love is to be gained for him/her.

My current SO actually got me crying with great emotion because he said precisely what your therapist did. He said why should he be upset about a past of mine when that past is what made our being together possible? He sees the improbable circumstances leading up to our eventual meeting as nothing short of a miracle. He knows I tried for a baby with my ex H, he knows the total number of my partners (low but real) and has a "duh, of course you had sex" attitude, as do I with him. He was married for over 12 years and divorced for over 10 before we met.

I'd always had in the back of my mind, a fear that men after my divorce would not accept my truth. I found one that not only accepted it, but EXPECTED it and respects me more because of it. He loves my enthusiasm and expressiveness because it's his to have and realistically, it was not something innate but learned, developed, and embraced by me over time and experience.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you OP, just like I think there's nothing wrong with your wife, I just think she needs a man who is comfortable with her past in all its detail and you need a less experienced woman or a woman that would rather be private about her past. It means you'll know her less but if it's something you don't want to know and she has no intention of sharing it, it seems more to your preference.

 

[samyeagar]

I'm a bit late to the thread, but I can relate a bit to your wife. I'm not condoning the detail with which she went off, but I'm a truth-teller by nature and my honesty has gotten me in trouble before. I've been with men that just don't want to know, such as my ex H who could be jealous (even though we were each other's firsts I'd dated once before him). Two men I dated post divorce (not simultaneously) were more sensitive to my truth so I would filter my words carefully but at the same time my mind would think, "what the hell, I was married before.... How could they rationalize away the TRUTH that I'd been intimate with another man? That I'd obviously done things with another man I do with them? Obviously they've been with other women and I get it..... " it was like walking on eggshells, never sure of whether a whiff of my past sexual experience would blow up in my face.

These relationships weren't meant to last because I could do nothing to behave in the right way for them other than to not be myself. Now, I would not share the level of detail your wife did, but I'd want to comfortably talk in broad terms about my past, and rationally talk about what I learned, and this was simply impossible, unwelcome, and offensive to them. So I guess I didn't come with a past in their minds... Im just not sure how the brain can choose to delude itself in that way.

I do think that what your wife did was harsh and careless in the moment, if she knew you well at all, but in a drunken state we sometimes spout real truth. Part of me feels she wanted to be honest, bare her soul, so she could feel human with the one person she vowed to be with for life. It's very difficult to know that you can't expect your spouse to accept who and what you were, nevermind who and what you are today because of your choices and actions in life. No one judges me harder than myself for the bone-headed things I've done in my life, but when your spouse really accepts you, an enormous amount of respect and love is to be gained for him/her.

My current SO actually got me crying with great emotion because he said precisely what your therapist did. He said why should he be upset about a past of mine when that past is what made our being together possible? He sees the improbable circumstances leading up to our eventual meeting as nothing short of a miracle. He knows I tried for a baby with my ex H, he knows the total number of my partners (low but real) and has a "duh, of course you had sex" attitude, as do I with him. He was married for over 12 years and divorced for over 10 before we met.

I'd always had in the back of my mind, a fear that men after my divorce would not accept my truth. I found one that not only accepted it, but EXPECTED it and respects me more because of it. He loves my enthusiasm and expressiveness because it's his to have and realistically, it was not something innate but learned, developed, and embraced by me over time and experience.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you OP, just like I think there's nothing wrong with your wife, I just think she needs a man who is comfortable with her past in all its detail and you need a less experienced woman or a woman that would rather be private about her past. It means you'll know her less but if it's something you don't want to know and she has no intention of sharing it, it seems more to your preference.

I hear this said..a basic variant on the "My past made me who I am today." and I understand the meaning, but I think it is often misunderstood and misapplied.

Going back to an earlier example, what deep seeded insight into who my wife is today as a person is gained by hearing her tell a bunch of people that she loved fvcking her ex husband on the balcony in Vegas a decade earlier? What deeper understanding am I to come to regarding my wife as a person today am I to glean from hearing about the two brothers my wife and one of her friends shared once and how one of them was bigger than me, but the other one made up for it with great oral?

Maybe the deeper understanding is supposed to be that my wife has a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and that I am ultimately just an interchangeable body. I know that is not really the case, and that I am indeed very special to her, but I know that not because of those stories she has told, but because I have had to do a crap ton of sifting through all of the conflicting messages she has sent.

I think when specific events are brought up, yes, everybody has those defining moments in their lives that change its course, but more often than not, the typical over sharing situation is not a defining moment that helped shape them as a person, rather it is a snapshot event that has no bearing on the grand scheme of things.

 

[alexm]

Maybe the deeper understanding is supposed to be that my wife has a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and that I am ultimately just an interchangeable body. I know that is not really the case, and that I am indeed very special to her, but I know that not because of those stories she has told, but because I have had to do a crap ton of sifting through all of the conflicting messages she has sent.

This ^

When it comes to talking about sex, some people don't see the forest for the trees, I don't think.

Yes, (just about) everybody's had sex before marriage, and some people have more experience, or have had better sex, etc etc etc.

But - it's clear to see that some people's attitudes towards sex are, as noted above, more cavalier than others.

For me, and everybody else with varying degrees of RJ, THAT is the issue at hand. Not the details, but the fact that these details can be openly discussed in such a manner.

I have an ex wife, and I am currently married. Early on in our relationship, most of my stories and anecdotes included my ex wife - not that I spoke about her in a positive manner, but the majority of my life experiences up to that point included her in some way, shape or form. It didn't take me long to read my now-wife's face and body language in regards to the adventures I'd had the previous 14-15 years - they mostly included my ex-wife, albeit as a secondary character in my stories, because she was there. I wasn't telling stories ABOUT my ex-wife, I was telling stories about myself and things I had done - which included her.

My now-wife wanted to hear those stories about as much as I wanted to hear about Spanky McGee and a handful of other little anecdotes she's put out over the years - which generally revolved around sex in some way.

Even though all her "stories" were negative and/or funny (ie. she's never spoken about having great sex, for example), I didn't want to hear it. Even though all my stories revolved around MY adventures, my ex was generally present in them, and my wife didn't want to hear them.

Why? Same reasons I didn't want to hear hers. It's talking about the past, but particularly that it included other people. It was time to make our own adventures, and discover ourselves on our own - not by using our past experiences with others to dictate how we go about our relationship. I did not need to hear that some dude she dated was into spanking her a55 during sex therefore I better not try it, any more than she wanted to hear about my travel adventures to wherever with my ex wife - a place my current wife had never been and really, really wanted to go to.

Now my wife is reluctant to travel to this place because "you've already gone and it's not the same".

And once or twice over the years, I've briefly considered giving my wife a slap or two on the butt during doggy-style sex (because come on, who's never thought about doing that!) but then I remember her story about that dude (who actually wanted to spank her, like over his knee and everything, not just during doggy style sex).

To me, it's all the same. RJ is not just sexual in nature, it can be about anything. When I politely asked my wife to not drop little stories like that in the future, I got the whole "the past is the past, it's just talk" blah blah blah stuff from her. But then she did the exact same thing to me, in regards to whatever story I may have been telling somebody, which happened to take part when I was with my ex wife. She didn't want to hear about THAT stuff (especially my adventures in this one city that she has always wanted to visit) because now she knows I did all there was to do there - with somebody else.

And yes, the last time she gave me crap about my perceived jealousy about her past (mis)adventures, I brought up her issues with mine.

It gave us both more of an insight into each others thought-patterns. To her, past sexual adventures and mis-adventures are unimportant - we'll have our own sex life together. To me, past vacations or life experiences are unimportant - we'll make our own memories together. Yet we each view them as the same thing - pasts that included other people that we don't want to hear about.

Important to mention - she had never been married before, yet had a fair amount of sex. I had been married before and hadn't had a lot of sex. Theoretically speaking, each of our RJ was a result of each other's lack of experience in either area.

 

[lifeistooshort]

I hear this said..a basic variant on the "My past made me who I am today." and I understand the meaning, but I think it is often misunderstood and misapplied.

Going back to an earlier example, what deep seeded insight into who my wife is today as a person is gained by hearing her tell a bunch of people that she loved fvcking her ex husband on the balcony in Vegas a decade earlier? What deeper understanding am I to come to regarding my wife as a person today am I to glean from hearing about the two brothers my wife and one of her friends shared once and how one of them was bigger than me, but the other one made up for it with great oral?

Maybe the deeper understanding is supposed to be that my wife has a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and that I am ultimately just an interchangeable body. I know that is not really the case, and that I am indeed very special to her, but I know that not because of those stories she has told, but because I have had to do a crap ton of sifting through all of the conflicting messages she has sent.

I think when specific events are brought up, yes, everybody has those defining moments in their lives that change its course, but more often than not, the typical over sharing situation is not a defining moment that helped shape them as a person, rather it is a snapshot event that has no bearing on the grand scheme of things.

I agree. What kind of deeper understanding did I get about my hb from being informed, during a bath with me, that he took a bath with a woman once and she stood up and hit her back? Or that dated some girl who had great breasts but was jealous of the ones on her sorority sisters? Or that one girl would make him close his eyes during sex because of her stretch marks?

What exactly does this tell me about him besides that he's not in the present with me and I fall into a long line? Especially because he isn't interested in my details to understand me better. And I guarantee he doesn't understand me any better because he knows that my first had a huge c0ck.

Sam's right. .... if this was somehow a defining event for you and it impacted you on a meaningful way then sharing might be appropriate. Otherwise it's just rude.
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[NoSizeQueen]

I'm not trying to say you guys are wrong for not wanting to hear about this stuff. But now I'm really curious...

Am I the only one here who enjoys hearing my partner's stories and sharing mine? Because I really do, especially the crazy ones. Him telling me about a girl who always giggled when she was enjoying oral did not have any real impact on who he is today... But it's funny!

I guess we all have our own ways of processing our partner's past. These stories have never bothered me, past exploits are what they are, and I like hearing people's stories in general, not just the sex stories.

 

[samyeagar]

This ^

When it comes to talking about sex, some people don't see the forest for the trees, I don't think.

Yes, (just about) everybody's had sex before marriage, and some people have more experience, or have had better sex, etc etc etc.

But - it's clear to see that some people's attitudes towards sex are, as noted above, more cavalier than others.

For me, and everybody else with varying degrees of RJ, THAT is the issue at hand. Not the details, but the fact that these details can be openly discussed in such a manner.

I have an ex wife, and I am currently married. Early on in our relationship, most of my stories and anecdotes included my ex wife - not that I spoke about her in a positive manner, but the majority of my life experiences up to that point included her in some way, shape or form. It didn't take me long to read my now-wife's face and body language in regards to the adventures I'd had the previous 14-15 years - they mostly included my ex-wife, albeit as a secondary character in my stories, because she was there. I wasn't telling stories ABOUT my ex-wife, I was telling stories about myself and things I had done - which included her.

My now-wife wanted to hear those stories about as much as I wanted to hear about Spanky McGee and a handful of other little anecdotes she's put out over the years - which generally revolved around sex in some way.

Even though all her "stories" were negative and/or funny (ie. she's never spoken about having great sex, for example), I didn't want to hear it. Even though all my stories revolved around MY adventures, my ex was generally present in them, and my wife didn't want to hear them.

Why? Same reasons I didn't want to hear hers. It's talking about the past, but particularly that it included other people. It was time to make our own adventures, and discover ourselves on our own - not by using our past experiences with others to dictate how we go about our relationship. I did not need to hear that some dude she dated was into spanking her a55 during sex therefore I better not try it, any more than she wanted to hear about my travel adventures to wherever with my ex wife - a place my current wife had never been and really, really wanted to go to.

Now my wife is reluctant to travel to this place because "you've already gone and it's not the same".

And once or twice over the years, I've briefly considered giving my wife a slap or two on the butt during doggy-style sex (because come on, who's never thought about doing that!) but then I remember her story about that dude (who actually wanted to spank her, like over his knee and everything, not just during doggy style sex).

To me, it's all the same. RJ is not just sexual in nature, it can be about anything. When I politely asked my wife to not drop little stories like that in the future, I got the whole "the past is the past, it's just talk" blah blah blah stuff from her. But then she did the exact same thing to me, in regards to whatever story I may have been telling somebody, which happened to take part when I was with my ex wife. She didn't want to hear about THAT stuff (especially my adventures in this one city that she has always wanted to visit) because now she knows I did all there was to do there - with somebody else.

And yes, the last time she gave me crap about my perceived jealousy about her past (mis)adventures, I brought up her issues with mine.

It gave us both more of an insight into each others thought-patterns. To her, past sexual adventures and mis-adventures are unimportant - we'll have our own sex life together. To me, past vacations or life experiences are unimportant - we'll make our own memories together. Yet we each view them as the same thing - pasts that included other people that we don't want to hear about.

Important to mention - she had never been married before, yet had a fair amount of sex. I had been married before and hadn't had a lot of sex. Theoretically speaking, each of our RJ was a result of each other's lack of experience in either area.

In a broader view, I think most of us know and accept that our partners had a sex life before us, and we view that sex life as part of the past, in a fairly generic, impersonal way, because it didn't involve us. When details start to become involved, it starts to become more personal, hits closer to home, begins to elicit an emotional connection and response.

Think of it like a book. The author can use certain details to draw the reader in. To make them feel as if they are a part of the story, draw them into full immersion, create vast visual landscapes in the mind, that the reader can reach out and touch. They can even make people smell things, make their heart race, make them smile, laugh, cry. All with the power of words, they can make their story the readers story.

People will also respond differently to the same story, to the same words. Some will laugh when others cry. Some will be bored, put the book down and never touch it again, while others wait with baited breath for the next chapter, the next book. Some will finish the book with feelings of indifference, not caring what comes next.

 

[Wolf1974]

I'm not trying to say you guys are wrong for not wanting to hear about this stuff. But now I'm really curious...

Am I the only one here who enjoys hearing my partner's stories and sharing mine? Because I really do, especially the crazy ones. Him telling me about a girl who always giggled when she was enjoying oral did not have any real impact on who he is today... But it's funny!

I guess we all have our own ways of processing our partner's past. These stories have never bothered me, past exploits are what they are, and I like hearing people's stories in general, not just the sex stories.

You just have a different perspective and I happen to share it. I don't need every little detail but I do over share about my past at times. The reason I do is because I deep down expect what I give. In other words I share so my partner will share with me.

I know I am not the biggest my GF has ever had, that doesn't bother me. I know she has done a few wild things involving outdoor sex and the like, doesn't bother me. I know that she has a fairly high number but it's not outrageous so that doesn't bother me. Think this has to do with comfort level. I would probably be as guilty of the over share as is lifetooshort's husband. Most of the time it is a subconscious thing that happens cause I am just talking to my best friend and no real meaning behind it. But if you are sensitive to it then it will hurt and shouldn't be discussed my opinion.

 

[samyeagar]

You just have a different perspective and I happen to share it. I don't need every little detail but I do over share about my past at times. The reason I do is because I deep down expect what I give. In other words I share so my partner will share with me.

I know I am not the biggest my GF has ever had, that doesn't bother me. I know she has done a few wild things involving outdoor sex and the like, doesn't bother me. I know that she has a fairly high number but it's not outrageous so that doesn't bother me. Think this has to do with comfort level. I would probably be as guilty of the over share as is lifetooshort's husband. Most of the time it is a subconscious thing that happens cause I am just talking to my best friend and no real meaning behind it. But if you are sensitive to it then it will hurt and shouldn't be discussed my opinion.

Do you often talk with no meaning? Talk for no other reason than to be talking?

 

[NoSizeQueen]

Oversharers unite!

I was raised in a home where these things were discussed openly, so I often don't think twice about sharing. If I know my partner has RJ issues, I'll try to limit my sharing. But those relationships don't usually work well for me, because sooner or later I'll say something that seems innocent to me but upsets my partner.