[Marduk]

OK. I'm sure you've heard all this before, but in case you haven't, here's how I dealt with my wife ramming this stuff down my throat when I told her I didn't want to hear it...

#1 I have a past. A somewhat murky and perky one. Embarrasingly, I'm not sure how many women I've slept with. The point is, it's hard for me to judge anyone. I think I'm a good guy, I don't think I was terrible to most women, and I honestly tried to be respectful. I think I ended up in a good place. Why can't the same be true for a woman?

#2 I'm a big believer in looking forward, not back. She had a past. Am I the future? Do I like being with her? Do I have to think about her being with someone else? Or can I choose to put that out of my mind, and love my wife? Love having sex with her? That goes a long way.

#3 She's good in bed. She had positive sexual experiences for the most part. This led her to like having sex, and now we have a lot of really great sex as a result. She's taught me many things, things that I enjoy, and wouldn't know if she didn't know them. She gives these things only to me, and has done so for a very long time. In a way, I'm really, really happy she's had good sex before me. I mean, if you think about it, if I'm her last sexual partner... and she's 'all in' with me when it comes to sex... all that other stuff was just practice compared to what we have now.

#4 I must be pretty decent in bed if she had good partners before me, and she still chases me around the house.

 

[SlowlyGoingCrazy]

Sad. What a waste of 4 years.

I think at least you mostly understand this is a 'you' problem and nothing wrong with your wife. I agree you'll have to be clear with any potential partners about your issues so you can avoid going through this all over again but a lot of times details do come out, you may read something from her past or learn about it a different way. Maybe continue with the professionals, try a new one, to get to the root of the problem.

 

[bandit.45]

Your wife sounds pretty inconsiderate. Or, maybe she feels so comfortable with you she is willing to open up with you about everything. And then there are some people who have no filter between their brain and their mouth. I know several people like this.

Anyway, if you can't get past it maybe you need to divorce and then go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.

 

[SlowlyGoingCrazy]

go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.

Yes. Find a girl who is sexually avoidant and has no history or any desire or want and then come back in a year or two to complain that she is a prude in bed. Good idea

 

[samyeagar]

How did you feel about that? What was your reaction?

She is now, and always has been STD free, so there is that. Given what I know of her past, it is certainly a detail I wish I could un hear, and like so many other thing, it came out in the strangest of ways, where I did not ask, and had no reasonable way to see it coming. We were walking through the store one day, and I was looking for a lubricant for a motor with latex parts, and she suggested baby oil, and I mentioned that baby oil tears up latex which is why it shouldn't be used with condoms, and she replied that she didn't know anything about latex and baby oil because she'd never used a condom.

I tried to just take it in stride, and with a laugh, told her I didn't need to know that. Later that night when I couldn't get an erection, I blamed it on being really tired so as to not come off as holding her past against her.

 

[bandit.45]

Better yet, tell her every time she has the urge to tell you about her past sex exploits, you will whip your wang out and cram it in her mouth.

That will shut her up. Take the Alpha male approach.


Maybe she wants you to be more aggressive with her?

 

[aboutdone]

Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
It's when you love someone this **** hurts.
Yes I have done the flip her over and **** her brains out routine.
Yes, she loves it bossy. She would be happy to be tied and spanked and ****ed in the ass every night.
I do it and like it. Problem is I doesn't fix my issue.

 

[bandit.45]

If the two of you are incompatible then..well...that's that. Nothing you can do about her mouth. She was born with it.

 

[EllisRedding]

Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.

But you aren't ok with her stories of sleeping with two guys

 

[SecondTime'Round]

Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
It's when you love someone this **** hurts.
Yes I have done the flip her over and **** her brains out routine.
Yes, she loves it bossy. She would be happy to be tied and spanked and ****ed in the ass every night.
I do it and like it. Problem is I doesn't fix my issue.

So do you think with your next woman, you will tell her you'd prefer to not have the details of her past?

 

[richardsharpe]

Good evening
People can react strangely to a partner's past exploits. Long ago I was dating my (future) wife. She broke up with me, started dating another guy. Eventually told me they were engaged to be married.

I had a healthy reaction to this, and started dating a very nice woman and having lots of wild sex. It wasn't really FWB, we cared about each other, but we knew it was not long term - just fun sex for both of us. Eventually we broke up (amicably). My (future) wife broke up with the guy she was going to marry (not really surprising).

Eventually my (future) wife and I got together again and eventually got married. (>25 years ago now)

Here is were it gets strange:
I wan't particularly unhappy. She had dumped me (not good) and hooked up with a guy who I'm convinced sweet talked / deceived her about marriage in order to get sex. I felt like her humiliation at being used was fair and natural punishment for her dumping me - the score seemed even to me. (I had warned her that this guys intentions were not honorable).

Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?


So, to the OP. Think hard about your own reactions. Yes your wife had sex with other guys before you. Unless she specifically told you that she was a virgin, that is completely expected. It sounds like her sex life was fairly normal. She wasn't a prostitute. She didn't engage in huge orgies in sex clubs. She just had sex with some guys and enjoyed it. Nothing in her stories was particularly surprising. Were you a virgin when you were married or did you have fun sex with other women?


I know you know you are thinking somewhat irrationally, but you really need to be more self-aware of this. She did NOTHING wrong. You have to do your absolute best to not blame her - even in your own mind.

 

[badsanta]

Generally speaking our past relationships help make us who we are today, and both the good and bad experiences are something that couples can share with each other and be able to strengthen your marriage.

My wife will ask me what it is like for me to have had sex with other women, and I have no hesitation to tell her that it was god awful, horrible, and usually made me want to cry!

Badsanta

 

[Marduk]

Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?

It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.

And hit the roof.

I mean, how could I not wait to get everything settled like a gentleman? And to just hop into bed with some random woman... was just being disrespectful and showed my lack of character!

My sister nearly peed herself laughing at her when my ex told her that.

 

[anonmd]

This is a personal problem, nothing to do with your wife. She told you these things on 2 occasions when she was intoxicated, booze tends to remove the filters. The FWB thing doesn't even involve any info other than the thoughts you put in your own head.

 

[NoSizeQueen]

If you're with someone who is not a virgin, sooner or later you will hear something about their past. Even if they don't make a point of telling you, these things slip out.

"I wouldn't know, I've never used condoms."
"I tried that act once, and I loved it!"
"I've never seen an uncircumcised penis."

It happens. And sometimes it hurts. But you have to learn to let go, because it will always happen sooner or later.

You are sensitive. Your wife has a big mouth. Neither of these things are likely to change. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that there's a reason she's no longer with those guys, and there's a reason she's still with you.

 

[lifeistooshort]

I think many of the responses are unreasonably harsh. It's not that she has a past, it's that when you insist on ramming details that your spouse didn't ask for down their throat you send the message that you fvcked a bunch of people before them so just in case your spouse thinks they're special it's best they remember that they're not. They fall into a long line, and that's a crappy message to send a spouse.

I do think it's unfortunate to end a marriage over it, and I have to ask the OP what he's done to discuss that while he's fine that she has a past he doesn't care to hear about it? Because after that if the sharing continues it becomes rude.

Here's what I did with my husband's oversharing:

I had told him a number of times I didn't want to hear it. He'd apologize and it would get a little better until it started again. I've gotten the same stories many times.....it's like my husband just had a pathological need to shove details down my throat.

The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I was getting him a cookie. Then I told him all kinds of details about my past that he didn't want, including the huge d!ck on my first. That ended the sharing.

OP, how does your wife react if you share details of your past? To me that's indicative of her intent; if she gets upset then it's an emotional weapon on her part. If she's ok with it maybe she has a different view of ex sharing, but have you discussed with her that you don't want to hear it? If she's only done it a couple of times while drunk it seems like an unfortunate reason to end a marriage.

To me it's in very poor taste to share a lot of details with your spouse unless they specifically ask.

 

[EllisRedding]

It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.

And hit the roof.

I mean, how could I not wait to get everything settled like a gentleman? And to just hop into bed with some random woman... was just being disrespectful and showed my lack of character!

My sister nearly peed herself laughing at her when my ex told her that.

Serious, that is about as stupid as you can get (your ex, not you lol). Seriously wonder wtf is going through someone's mind like that

 

[EllisRedding]

The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I was getting him a cookie.

Why a cookie? Honestly if I was your H that would only encourage me to talk even more since I love cookies lol.

FYI - I did enjoy your post, the cookie thing just gave me a chuckle :grin2:

 

[lifeistooshort]

Why a cookie? Honestly if I was your H that would only encourage me to talk even more since I love cookies lol.

FYI - I did enjoy your post, the cookie thing just gave me a chuckle :grin2:

Ha ha, glad I could give you a chuckle. The cookie comment was condescending and meant that since he was so insecure that he needed a pat on the back for having fvcked so many women I'd reward him with a cookie.

I think the condescending tone killed his cookie appetite
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[lifeistooshort]

It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.

And hit the roof.

I mean, how could I not wait to get everything settled like a gentleman? And to just hop into bed with some random woman... was just being disrespectful and showed my lack of character!

My sister nearly peed herself laughing at her when my ex told her that.

Some women do like to think that their ex is pining over them. It's a huge ego thing......they're soooooooo special that hubby just can't move on.
Posted via Mobile Device