That is repulsively sad.

Yes, best that you move on and make sure the next wife knows about your anxious thoughts wrt her sexual history and to never ever tell you anything ever!

Best of luck to both of you.

 

Well that sucks. I can certainly understand moving on if you can't get over it. How long have you been married? Thinking these types of thoughts about your SO is gut wrenching for some people, I am one. Some of the way's you describe things sound like the worst possible way to think about it, for example "with his mess leaking out". Is that how she told the story or is that the story your mind told?

Oh, why did you change your user name?

 

It's one thing to share sexual history but details like that seem callous. It's a shame. I can't imagine why she would want to give such details unless it was to make you feel certain she was desirable? It seems like you are OK with her having a past, but details like his cum leaking out of her on her walk home are best left unsaid. I'm sorry.

 

The way he talks, seems like maybe the callousness and definitely the details of cum dripping are from his obsession.

 

There has been some good conversation on this topic here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/296490-regret-shame.html

Curious, what does your wife think about all this and you moving on?

I do feel that unless you asked for details there is absolutely no reason for her to provide. That would not sit well with me either.

 

The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
She has never had unprotected sex in her life.
All the rest she told me.
I'm just sad and wish something as stupid as this wasn't ruining my marriage.

 

The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared.

It's a very, very odd thing for you to keep running through your head. Do you think she ENJOYED that if it even happened? It's not exactly something women look forward to....to be soggy the rest of the day!

 

My only advice to men & women is NEVER tell your spouse about your past in detail unless they ask to hear about it.

And even then don't do it because many many men can't handle it.

 

Is the problem that she did those things, or that she told you about them, or that she told you about them when you didn't want to know?

 

Damn...Can't get over a wife having had a no strings FWB, and another partner who was too large to have comfortable sex with.....

What if she sat around weepy eyed over a past "love of her life", or a guy that left her swooning from mind blowing sex...

You need to toughen up a bit...Unless you marry a virgin, your lady will have had sex with someone...I doubt you will find your virgin, and if you did, what if she was a lousy lay?....Would you walk around starry eyed over her purity? I doubt it. Learn to appreciate your wife for what she is.....

Did you have sex before you met your wife? Did you drive home all sticky from that woman...Yucky...Hell no, sex is what it is....get over it.....Or do without..

 

I doubt you will find your virgin, and if you did, what if she was a lousy lay?....Would you walk around starry eyed over her purity? I doubt it. Learn to appreciate your wife for what she is.....

Great point, Woodchuck.

 

I'm sure she doesn't feel great about the situation either. But I bet she'll take extra care to filter and analyze what she says to you now... That could be a good thing, or a bad thing. If someone reacted to my past like that, I'd have trouble trusting them with my thoughts and feelings afterward.

 

Ok, to test a theory proposed on another thread... How is your sex life with your wife?

 

I ejaculate a lot and my wife has it running down her legs when she gets up to pee.
Whatever. that was not my point.

 

OK. I'm sure you've heard all this before, but in case you haven't, here's how I dealt with my wife ramming this stuff down my throat when I told her I didn't want to hear it...

#1 I have a past. A somewhat murky and perky one. Embarrasingly, I'm not sure how many women I've slept with. The point is, it's hard for me to judge anyone. I think I'm a good guy, I don't think I was terrible to most women, and I honestly tried to be respectful. I think I ended up in a good place. Why can't the same be true for a woman?

#2 I'm a big believer in looking forward, not back. She had a past. Am I the future? Do I like being with her? Do I have to think about her being with someone else? Or can I choose to put that out of my mind, and love my wife? Love having sex with her? That goes a long way.

#3 She's good in bed. She had positive sexual experiences for the most part. This led her to like having sex, and now we have a lot of really great sex as a result. She's taught me many things, things that I enjoy, and wouldn't know if she didn't know them. She gives these things only to me, and has done so for a very long time. In a way, I'm really, really happy she's had good sex before me. I mean, if you think about it, if I'm her last sexual partner... and she's 'all in' with me when it comes to sex... all that other stuff was just practice compared to what we have now.

#4 I must be pretty decent in bed if she had good partners before me, and she still chases me around the house.

 

Sad. What a waste of 4 years.

I think at least you mostly understand this is a 'you' problem and nothing wrong with your wife. I agree you'll have to be clear with any potential partners about your issues so you can avoid going through this all over again but a lot of times details do come out, you may read something from her past or learn about it a different way. Maybe continue with the professionals, try a new one, to get to the root of the problem.

 

I would have a problem too if my wife would brag to me about the guys she fvcked and sucked before me.

 

Your wife sounds pretty inconsiderate. Or, maybe she feels so comfortable with you she is willing to open up with you about everything. And then there are some people who have no filter between their brain and their mouth. I know several people like this.

Anyway, if you can't get past it maybe you need to divorce and then go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.

 

go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.

Yes. Find a girl who is sexually avoidant and has no history or any desire or want and then come back in a year or two to complain that she is a prude in bed. Good idea

 

Better yet, tell her every time she has the urge to tell you about her past sex exploits, you will whip your wang out and cram it in her mouth.

That will shut her up. Take the Alpha male approach.


Maybe she wants you to be more aggressive with her?

 

Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
It's when you love someone this **** hurts.
Yes I have done the flip her over and **** her brains out routine.
Yes, she loves it bossy. She would be happy to be tied and spanked and ****ed in the ass every night.
I do it and like it. Problem is I doesn't fix my issue.

 

Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.

But you aren't ok with her stories of sleeping with two guys

 

If the two of you are incompatible then..well...that's that. Nothing you can do about her mouth. She was born with it.

 

Good evening
People can react strangely to a partner's past exploits. Long ago I was dating my (future) wife. She broke up with me, started dating another guy. Eventually told me they were engaged to be married.

I had a healthy reaction to this, and started dating a very nice woman and having lots of wild sex. It wasn't really FWB, we cared about each other, but we knew it was not long term - just fun sex for both of us. Eventually we broke up (amicably). My (future) wife broke up with the guy she was going to marry (not really surprising).

Eventually my (future) wife and I got together again and eventually got married. (>25 years ago now)

Here is were it gets strange:
I wan't particularly unhappy. She had dumped me (not good) and hooked up with a guy who I'm convinced sweet talked / deceived her about marriage in order to get sex. I felt like her humiliation at being used was fair and natural punishment for her dumping me - the score seemed even to me. (I had warned her that this guys intentions were not honorable).

Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?


So, to the OP. Think hard about your own reactions. Yes your wife had sex with other guys before you. Unless she specifically told you that she was a virgin, that is completely expected. It sounds like her sex life was fairly normal. She wasn't a prostitute. She didn't engage in huge orgies in sex clubs. She just had sex with some guys and enjoyed it. Nothing in her stories was particularly surprising. Were you a virgin when you were married or did you have fun sex with other women?


I know you know you are thinking somewhat irrationally, but you really need to be more self-aware of this. She did NOTHING wrong. You have to do your absolute best to not blame her - even in your own mind.

 

Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?

It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.

And hit the roof.

I mean, how could I not wait to get everything settled like a gentleman? And to just hop into bed with some random woman... was just being disrespectful and showed my lack of character!

My sister nearly peed herself laughing at her when my ex told her that.

 

Generally speaking our past relationships help make us who we are today, and both the good and bad experiences are something that couples can share with each other and be able to strengthen your marriage.

My wife will ask me what it is like for me to have had sex with other women, and I have no hesitation to tell her that it was god awful, horrible, and usually made me want to cry!

Badsanta

 

This is a personal problem, nothing to do with your wife. She told you these things on 2 occasions when she was intoxicated, booze tends to remove the filters. The FWB thing doesn't even involve any info other than the thoughts you put in your own head.

 

If you're with someone who is not a virgin, sooner or later you will hear something about their past. Even if they don't make a point of telling you, these things slip out.

"I wouldn't know, I've never used condoms."
"I tried that act once, and I loved it!"
"I've never seen an uncircumcised penis."

It happens. And sometimes it hurts. But you have to learn to let go, because it will always happen sooner or later.

You are sensitive. Your wife has a big mouth. Neither of these things are likely to change. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that there's a reason she's no longer with those guys, and there's a reason she's still with you.

 

I think many of the responses are unreasonably harsh. It's not that she has a past, it's that when you insist on ramming details that your spouse didn't ask for down their throat you send the message that you fvcked a bunch of people before them so just in case your spouse thinks they're special it's best they remember that they're not. They fall into a long line, and that's a crappy message to send a spouse.

I do think it's unfortunate to end a marriage over it, and I have to ask the OP what he's done to discuss that while he's fine that she has a past he doesn't care to hear about it? Because after that if the sharing continues it becomes rude.

Here's what I did with my husband's oversharing:

I had told him a number of times I didn't want to hear it. He'd apologize and it would get a little better until it started again. I've gotten the same stories many times.....it's like my husband just had a pathological need to shove details down my throat.

The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I was getting him a cookie. Then I told him all kinds of details about my past that he didn't want, including the huge d!ck on my first. That ended the sharing.

OP, how does your wife react if you share details of your past? To me that's indicative of her intent; if she gets upset then it's an emotional weapon on her part. If she's ok with it maybe she has a different view of ex sharing, but have you discussed with her that you don't want to hear it? If she's only done it a couple of times while drunk it seems like an unfortunate reason to end a marriage.

To me it's in very poor taste to share a lot of details with your spouse unless they specifically ask.

 

The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I was getting him a cookie.

Why a cookie? Honestly if I was your H that would only encourage me to talk even more since I love cookies lol.

FYI - I did enjoy your post, the cookie thing just gave me a chuckle :grin2:

 

You're clearly obsessing to the point of adding unneeded details. Then you go on to share how big you are. You can keep doing the mindfulness for your thoughts, but this all wreaks of you needing to work through your insecurities. Your woman is sexual. Now she's sexual with you. Enjoy her sexuality, don't let it be a hot bed for self doubt or jealousy.

 

I do not think that two confessions while drunk represents "ramming it down your throat".

I also think a new poster, first post, telling us his **** size is 7" and he rams her cervix sounds a little trolley. But maybe that's just me

 

I do not think that two confessions while drunk represents "ramming it down your throat".

I also think a new poster, first post, telling us his **** size is 7" and he rams her cervix sounds a little trolley. But maybe that's just me

Yeah I'd wait at least until the third post...

 

If someone acts in a way that seriously goes against your values thats a deal breaker. From what you're saying, i get the impression you would end up having a problem with just about anyone. You really do need to get these feelings under control and figure out why you are having them in the first place or you are going to end up to be very lonely. It is best that you leave this relationship . You're not ready for one. Find a new therapist and do the work.

 

Agreed.