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You know what OP? You think the age difference isn't an issue but you're wrong. You imagine that you're mature and that's all there is to it but there are other issues whatever maturity you have won't compensate for.

I know because my ex was 19 years older. I met him whevi was 31 and he was 50, so I was much further along in life then you.

First of all, a 20 year old can be mature compared to other 20 year olds but you still only have the life experience of a 20 year old, and a lot of maturity comes from life experience. Were you really as mature then are you are now? I hope not because that means you haven't grown.

Second, why do you think a 44 year old man would sniff out and marry a 20 year old? There is an emotional power imbalance due to the difference in life experience that makes young women good targets because they put up with a lot more then a woman his own age. Look at what you've already put up with, and on top of that you brought a kid into this.

I finally left my ex a few years ago at 44 and should've left him a lot sooner. And my ex wasn't an abusive drunk...we had other issues. But he definitely sniffs out much younger women because they put up with his nasty crap.

Do yourself a favor and go home to your family. Ad long as your hb is a drunk he's going to be dangerous. Don't start with affairs...that's trashy...but don't let anyone shift all of the focus to your affair either. You have much bigger issues in the form of a predatory, abusive drunk who is both selfish and dangerous. A older woman is much lesser likely to put up with this..
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
You know what OP? You think the age difference isn't an issue but you're wrong. You imagine that you're mature and that's all there is to it but there are other issues whatever maturity you have won't compensate for.

I know because my ex was 19 years older. I met him whevi was 31 and he was 50, so I was much further along in life then you.

First of all, a 20 year old can be mature compared to other 20 year olds but you still only have the life experience of a 20 year old, and a lot of maturity comes from life experience. Were you really as mature then are you are now? I hope not because that means you haven't grown.

Second, why do you think a 44 year old man would sniff out and marry a 20 year old? There is an emotional power imbalance due to the difference in life experience that makes young women good targets because they put up with a lot more then a woman his own age. Look at what you've already put up with, and on top of that you brought a kid into this.

I finally left my ex a few years ago at 44 and should've left him a lot sooner. And my ex wasn't an abusive drunk...we had other issues. But he definitely sniffs out much younger women because they put up with his nasty crap.

Do yourself a favor and go home to your family. Ad long as your hb is a drunk he's going to be dangerous. Don't start with affairs...that's trashy...but don't let anyone shift all of the focus to your affair either. You have much bigger issues in the form of a predatory, abusive drunk who is both selfish and dangerous. A older woman is much lesser likely to put up with this..

Oh I'm not saying he wasn't predatory and didn't take advantage back then. And yes I've grown. There isn't an emotional power balance now.. There is no emotional balance at all in this man that is logical or meaningful. Yes, I've brought a child into the world under this, I also can't change that so thank you for pointing it out. I can however change the scenery for my child and intend on doing so.

There are many points I agree with here and appreciate you're insight.
 

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Oh I'm not saying he wasn't predatory and didn't take advantage back then. And yes I've grown. There isn't an emotional power balance now.. There is no emotional balance at all in this man that is logical or meaningful. Yes, I've brought a child into the world under this, I also can't change that so thank you for pointing it out. I can however change the scenery for my child and intend on doing so.

There are many points I agree with here and appreciate you're insight.
My kid comment wasn't meant to suggest you could change it or that you should want to. Kids are great and I'm happy you get to have that...I have 2 now grown sons whose father was also a drunk, albeit my age, so I even understand that part. A big reason I married the older guy was because I was damaged from my marriage to my kids father. Fortunately he has since quit drinking and we have an amicable relationship now.

I'm not surprised that your hb's emotional advantage is shrinking. It was the same with my ex...he was quite emotionally stunted so as I got older whatever advantage he had disappeared just like your situation. Our situations have much in common. My ex had the emotional development of a 12 year old and couldn't talk about anything beyond sports and the weather, and 44 year old me just had enough.

I hope you find it in you to get rid of this guy. I'm much happier without my ex...I have a lovely bf much closer to my age and it's fantastic. Go home to your family and focus on becoming self sufficient. I built my career and now make 6 figures, but I didn't come to this field until I was 37 so you can do it too. I wasn't going to take care of an old guy who treated me like ****.
 

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You need to get out & you know that but you are not strong enough to. Try going to some Al-Anon meetings. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics. There you should find the support you need to get away from this gun wielding depressed lunatic you call a husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I no longer respect my husband because he feels helping out or doing any home chores makes him 'the woman' in a marriage and he literally told me he wasn't built to scrub floors or wash dishes. After he actually said that out loud, any remote ounce of respect I had for him vanished.
 

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I no longer respect my husband because he feels helping out or doing any home chores makes him 'the woman' in a marriage and he literally told me he wasn't built to scrub floors or wash dishes. After he actually said that out loud, any remote ounce of respect I had for him vanished.
Did you marry Fred Flintstone?
 

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This right here is what I'm talking about! There's nothing that gains my respect and admiration for a man than this.
I think context is important in that quote, for instances it's OK and healthy to be emotional in reasonable circumstances such as death or whatever. I don't want to make it seem like I am advocating for men to act like Vulcans. If anything that has gotten us into problems too. We all should strive for emotional intellegence.
 

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I no longer respect my husband because he feels helping out or doing any home chores makes him 'the woman' in a marriage and he literally told me he wasn't built to scrub floors or wash dishes. After he actually said that out loud, any remote ounce of respect I had for him vanished.
The devil is in the details and a matter of context here. If all he does is sit around drinking beer and playing video games and doesn't lift a finger to provide for or take care of the family home, then I understand your grievance.

But does he do other things to provide for the support, safety and functioning of the house and home besides scrubbing floors and washing dishes? Does he climb up ladders to work on the roof and gutters? Does he do maintenance and repairs on the lawn mower and take care of the lawn? Does he patch holes in the concrete in the driveway? Does he unclog the toilet when you drop a big bomb that gets stuck? Does he keep the cars in running order? Does he work 2 or 3 jobs to pay for everything?

If we are going to judge men by how much they scrub the floor and make them shine, we're probably setting ourselves up for disappointment. Not to be sexist but most men simply have a different scale of what constitutes a thorough scrubbing and how clean is clean.

I've tried to scrub the floors and thought if I could do that it would take some of the stress and pressure off of her, but no matter what I do or how much elbow grease I put into it, she would just come along right behind me and do it anyway and say that I didn't do it right. (sigh :confused:) So in that sense, I guess I am not "built" for scrubbing floors either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
@oldshirt

So to be more clear, I have NEVER asked him to do either of those things, that's him pulling that out of what I'm trying to describe as my own needs for more of a connection and knowing that he appreciates me. I needed him, these last three years to get up with our son once in a while during the night, maybe cook a meal once month, offer to out our son to bed once in a while so I can go to bed when I'm exhausted. Now, our child doesn't want him to do anything for him, because 'that's momma's job.' It's freaking sad, and he's mad at me. Oh yes, I tell my son, "Now make sure when dad comes to help you, even though you're calling for me that you freak out." Like I need that on my plate too. No, this is just the circumstances of you avoiding being involved.

Yes he can do all the things you described above. And because he has those abilities, that's the only contribution he will provide when needed. They are important things too to a household but not all a healthy household runs on. I too, have worked on our home, removing drywall, patching drywall and painting, even putting a floor down myself in my office. I cut the grass, he does not, though he would if I let it grow tall enough. I also can and do fix plumbing because I've been put in a position where I had to do it. So I'm not down playing those important contributions of a talented male, it's just there are other desires and needs I have other than simply having a 'manly' man, who won't attempt to connect with our family on any other level.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Did you tell him what your reaction to this is?
I've not told him in the literally words no. We are just going about our day to day. He loves to pretend everything is fine, would rather put his head in the sand than give anymore attention to it.


The day he said that to me, we were sitting outside and it just took me back to when he made it point to tell me how we are not partners and I should have married a woman if that's what I wanted. I didn't speak a word from that point on. It was just the seal to the envelope of knowing what I need to do next. We are finished. Well, I am finished.
 

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@oldshirt

So to be more clear, I have NEVER asked him to do either of those things, that's him pulling that out of what I'm trying to describe as my own needs for more of a connection and knowing that he appreciates me. I needed him, these last three years to get up with our son once in a while during the night, maybe cook a meal once month, offer to out our son to bed once in a while so I can go to bed when I'm exhausted. Now, our child doesn't want him to do anything for him, because 'that's momma's job.' It's freaking sad, and he's mad at me. Oh yes, I tell my son, "Now make sure when dad comes to help you, even though you're calling for me that you freak out." Like I need that on my plate too. No, this is just the circumstances of you avoiding being involved.

Yes he can do all the things you described above. And because he has those abilities, that's the only contribution he will provide when needed. They are important things too to a household but not all a healthy household runs on. I too, have worked on our home, removing drywall, patching drywall and painting, even putting a floor down myself in my office. I cut the grass, he does not, though he would if I let it grow tall enough. I also can and do fix plumbing because I've been put in a position where I had to do it. So I'm not down playing those important contributions of a talented male, it's just there are other desires and needs I have other than simply having a 'manly' man, who won't attempt to connect with our family on any other level.
I would like to move (or copy) some of your posts on this thread to that thread you already have. They give valuable info to help us all know what you are going through. Are you ok with that?

You work outside the home as well, right?

When I asked my son's father to share in the housework with me, specifically clean toilets, he told me with indignation that he does not do toilets. So I replied to him that we have a problem because I don't do them either. And then I hired someone to do the house cleaning. If he's too good to clean a toilet, so am I. And for the records, yea, we both had full time jobs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
I would like to move (or copy) some of your posts on this thread to that thread you already have. They give valuable info to help us all know what you are going through. Are you ok with that?

You work outside the home as well, right?

When I asked my son's father to share in the housework with me, specifically clean toilets, he told me with indignation that he does not do toilets. So I replied to him that we have a problem because I don't do them either. And then I hired someone to do the house cleaning. If he's too good to clean a toilet, so am I. And for the records, yea, we both had full time jobs.
That is fine. There's so much that's gone on and going on that should probably just not even respond to others on their posts. I mean well, but I have my own thoughts based on what I'm going through that just may not actually be helpful? sigh I don't want to push my biases' on anyone else.

Yes I work for a call center (cloud based) from home and then am the director of a two day a week mother's day out program as well. You do make a good point though and in his defense, I actually do remember him telling me to hire someone, I never did because I could do it all, I just never understood why he wouldn't help. Plus we didn't have the money for it really.
 

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@oldshirt

So to be more clear, I have NEVER asked him to do either of those things, that's him pulling that out of what I'm trying to describe as my own needs for more of a connection and knowing that he appreciates me. I needed him, these last three years to get up with our son once in a while during the night, maybe cook a meal once month, offer to out our son to bed once in a while so I can go to bed when I'm exhausted. Now, our child doesn't want him to do anything for him, because 'that's momma's job.' It's freaking sad, and he's mad at me. Oh yes, I tell my son, "Now make sure when dad comes to help you, even though you're calling for me that you freak out." Like I need that on my plate too. No, this is just the circumstances of you avoiding being involved.

Yes he can do all the things you described above. And because he has those abilities, that's the only contribution he will provide when needed. They are important things too to a household but not all a healthy household runs on. I too, have worked on our home, removing drywall, patching drywall and painting, even putting a floor down myself in my office. I cut the grass, he does not, though he would if I let it grow tall enough. I also can and do fix plumbing because I've been put in a position where I had to do it. So I'm not down playing those important contributions of a talented male, it's just there are other desires and needs I have other than simply having a 'manly' man, who won't attempt to connect with our family on any other level.

I read your other thread. IMHO it's basically time to stick a fork in it. I think you've been used and played.
You thought he was a charming mature and developed man and were probably flattered that he was giving you time and attention.

But as was alluded in your other thread, it was all more dark and predatory.

When a 44 year old man is wining and dining a 20 year old woman, it's easy for the 20 year old to think that the reason she is getting his attention and courting is because she is skinnier and prettier and sweeter than those jaded and nasty 30something and 40something year old women with their muffin tops and cellulite.

But real reason is the mature women with the life experience and wisdom can see what duds and losers and dysfunctional protoplasm they really are and so they won't touch them with a ten foot pole.

Yes the 20 year olds are skinnier and prettier but what is more important to guys like this is they are naive and more easily manipulated and used. They lack the life experience and wisdom to smell the rat and know whats really going on.

They think they have won the prince, but what they have really gotten is the village drunk and village sheister dressed up in the prince's old clothes from the castle's thrift shop.

Now you are the jaded 30something with the stretchmarks and the lines on your face from gritting your teeth and having a permanent scowl.

But you can also see him for the dud and failure that he really is. Now you can smell the rat and can spot the predator a mile away. Now you will know which men are to be avoided at all costs. And now you can warn the young 20somethings that the grown men sniffing around them taking them to fancy restaurants and trendy clubs in nice cars aren't exercising their ability to get the prettier and skinnier girls because they are such a fine catch..... but rather because experienced and mature women can see through their bullshyt.

They won't listen to you of course because now they'll be the ones thinking you are the bitter and jaded one. But they'll learn. Just as you have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
I read your other thread. IMHO it's basically time to stick a fork in it. I think you've been used and played.
You thought he was a charming mature and developed man and were probably flattered that he was giving you time and attention.

But as was alluded in your other thread, it was all more dark and predatory.

When a 44 year old man is wining and dining a 20 year old woman, it's easy for the 20 year old to think that the reason she is getting his attention and courting is because she is skinnier and prettier and sweeter than those jaded and nasty 30something and 40something year old women with their muffin tops and cellulite.

But real reason is the mature women with the life experience and wisdom can see what duds and losers and dysfunctional protoplasm they really are and so they won't touch them with a ten foot pole.

Yes the 20 year olds are skinnier and prettier but what is more important to guys like this is they are naive and more easily manipulated and used. They lack the life experience and wisdom to smell the rat and know whats really going on.

They think they have won the prince, but what they have really gotten is the village drunk and village sheister dressed up in the prince's old clothes from the castle's thrift shop.

Now you are the jaded 30something with the stretchmarks and the lines on your face from gritting your teeth and having a permanent scowl.

But you can also see him for the dud and failure that he really is. Now you can smell the rat and can spot the predator a mile away. Now you will know which men are to be avoided at all costs. And now you can warn the young 20somethings that the grown men sniffing around them taking them to fancy restaurants and trendy clubs in nice cars aren't exercising their ability to get the prettier and skinnier girls because they are such a fine catch..... but rather because experienced and mature women can see through their bullshyt.

They won't listen to you of course because now they'll be the ones thinking you are the bitter and jaded one. But they'll learn. Just as you have.

95% of this is true, however I don't have frown lines or a permanent scowl. I had cellulite and was chubby way back when and still weigh the same I did 15 years ago. Thankful for that lol. I do now also have a few stretch marks from my son, but I can live with that! I'm not all used up so I got that going for me haha.
 

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95% of this is true, however I don't have frown lines or a permanent scowl. I had cellulite and was chubby way back when and still weigh the same I did 15 years ago. Thankful for that lol. I do now also have a few stretch marks from my son, but I can live with that! I'm not all used up so I got that going for me haha.
I am sure you are a hottie. My point is not to imply that you are at all unattractive but rather to point out that you are now the woman that your 20 year old self thought was was all jaded and bi+chy and overweight etc and why that successful and charming 30/40 something man with the Lexus was picking her instead of the women closer to his age.

Now that you have the life experience and the wisdom and knowledge, you can see the truth. Your 20 year old self didn't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
I am sure you are a hottie. My point is not to imply that you are at all unattractive but rather to point out that you are now the woman that your 20 year old self thought was was all jaded and bi+chy and overweight etc and why that successful and charming 30/40 something man with the Lexus was picking her instead of the women closer to his age.

Now that you have the life experience and the wisdom and knowledge, you can see the truth. Your 20 year old self didn't.
Oh yes. I'm fully on board with what you were trying to portray. He also was also bankrupt when I met him, so no Lexus or fine dining there, I genuinely loved him. But moving on from the shallow, I'm definitely aware of what I wasn't then. You have hit the nail on the head.
 

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I no longer respect my husband because he feels helping out or doing any home chores makes him 'the woman' in a marriage and he literally told me he wasn't built to scrub floors or wash dishes. After he actually said that out loud, any remote ounce of respect I had for him vanished.
Yeah, because look what that means he thinks of you -- in his eyes, you are lowly and so are other women. He thinks he's superior. Not uncommon, but tragically ignorant.
 

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That is fine. There's so much that's gone on and going on that should probably just not even respond to others on their posts. I mean well, but I have my own thoughts based on what I'm going through that just may not actually be helpful? sigh I don't want to push my biases' on anyone else.

Yes I work for a call center (cloud based) from home and then am the director of a two day a week mother's day out program as well. You do make a good point though and in his defense, I actually do remember him telling me to hire someone, I never did because I could do it all, I just never understood why he wouldn't help. Plus we didn't have the money for it really.
Well, it's good he's down for hiring someone, but it doesn't diminish his crap attitude thinking he's better than women and above doing things they do routinely. Once you leave him, he will try to find a new maid and cook and babysitter but if not, he can hire his own housekeeper.
 
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