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New to this site. This is going to be a stupid long post. Fair warning. I'm a 34 year old woman, married to a 56 year old man for the last 14 years. Briefly I would like to clear a few things up. I don't have 'daddy' issues, I've always been more mature for my age and I know the age gap seems staggering for some, well maybe most.. With the exception of him having a 1950's mindset, it's never been a problem.

Even now, the age difference I don't believe is our issue but hell, we've got so many issues who knows.

When we first got married, my whole family was involved, no one tried to stop us or freak out over the age difference so that's also not been a barrier for us. We moved out of state for him to take a promotion in his career and were on the brink of bankruptcy when we got together after him going through a divorce. Looking back, being so young I'm not sure how I kept that from happening but it was one of the first things I remember majorly helping him with and learning as I went about finances. I've helped him advance in his jobs by writing reports for him (him dictating, me typing them up) as he has severe dyslexia and writing for him is difficult, which makes excelling in what he does for a living hard for him.

I've worked so many different jobs to help support our household and his boys who moved with us back then. About a year after us marrying he began drinking a lot more. I'm not totally sure, but I don't remember him drinking bottles of whiskey each night when we first got together, a few beers maybe, but never what it rolled into after we got married. After three years and a second move to another state (another promotion) he was travelling a lot more. Which was fine, that was never an issue, I don't need constant attention or him by my side.. But when he would get home, unless I was on the way to the freezer, I wouldn't even get a hello. This went on for three years. He would come home, get the botte of SoCo out and work on it all evening. After I'd gone to bed, he'd come into our room simply to wake me up, get his rocks off and then leave immediately to finish that bottle. Night after night this was my life.

I don't know why I didn't leave then. His sons had moved back in with their mom, as he was just not someone they wanted to be around, they also had more freedom at their moms. So I no longer had them keeping me there. But instead, I took up receiving and giving attention to a man I would see from time to time at my place of work. Worst decision I ever made, maybe apart from my marriage being #1.. I know this brands me immediately for most, I take that like it is. Anyhow, after about 3 months my husband caught on and found a note this other man had written to me. I came home after a late call out (I was a volunteer medic) to him seething, drunk with a gun in his back pocket and holding that letter.

It was a nightmare, him threatening to kill himself, to kill the other man. He had every right to be mad, I just couldn't stand being alone emotionally anymore and I sought that connection with this other man. I was sorry for it before I even got caught and then of course REALLY sorry once all was out in the open. Not because I was caught but because I knew it would hurt my husband. I should have left my marriage before doing what I did, but I young and stupid. So for months this went on, no more with the gun and threats of harm, but yelling at me, barricading me in rooms so I couldn't get away from him, not going anywhere for fear of coming back to him being crazy. I mean I understood why he was enraged and didn't trust me and I deserve all that, but the pushing me and blocking me into closets to continue his screaming and such. It was really scary and I couldn't get out of it in the moments. He would just intimidate me at any cost.

He continued to drink, but said he'd start therapy. He was going and one day he said the therapist wanted to talk to me. I was shocked to find he was speaking with a female therapist as he's very sour about women in general usually. Once there, she informed me my husband had brought her up to speed on everything I'd been 'up' to. I was floored. I expected him to share about my infidelity however, none of the verbal assaulting had been shared or the physical things he'd been doing to keep me in our bedroom or blocking me in bathrooms/closets, ect. had been shared conveniently. When I spoke about this, she literally told me I should expect him to be this way and it's because of my affair and something I have to deal with. I don't even know how to explain how this made me feel but in that moment, I knew, my husband hearing her say what he was doing was okay, was only going to fuel his fire and he loved every moment of it. He'd set me up for this very thing and this therapist couldn't see past the manipulation he was doing.

There after he said he'd stop drinking and even attended a few AA meetings, bringing back a little disc * day 1, 1 month sober,ect.. But he wasn't sober, he was still drinking. The intense rage never let up for long, a few days maybe and for the next four months or so he would come to my work to check on me. Some days this other mans company truck would be up there, or it was his partner up there maybe working on something as they contracted at the hospital where I worked. I never saw him after that night this all came out anymore but that didn't matter because there was no trust. But my husband would come to my work and if he saw one of those trucks there he'd start calling or worse, walk into the hospital and start getting loud in my office. I finally had to quit my job to make it stop. I started cleaning houses after that to make ends meet.

One weekend about 8 months later his middle son and girlfriend came to visit for the weekend. I was up making breakfast waiting for everyone to get up as I had a cleaning job that morning to be at and wouldn't be able to hang out in the morning long. My husband came into the kitchen and just started berating me out of no where, that I wasn't going to work, that I was meeting up with this other man. It really was overwhelming, I thought we were past (well not past it all) but really had no idea what may have triggered him to be feeling this way just straight from getting out of bed. His son didn't know about all we were going through and I was asking him to please quiet down and he just got louder saying "Oh you don't want everyone to know you were whoring around?!" I had to get to my cleaning job and just left before his son got up hoping they didn't hear everything. I was in tears and just torn apart. That morning I cleaned this couples home for the last time. I explained to them I was in a situation with my husband where I couldn't stay any longer, I needed to drive straight from their house to my family 10 hours away and that's just what I did.

My entire family already knew what was going on. My husband had called my mom at some point and started in and then left it to me to tell the rest. So I did. I spilled it all. I think he wanted them to hate me, and while of course they were disappointed in me, it didn't have quite the affect he'd hoped. So I called my mom and my aunt and explained what I'd been dealing with (they didn't know about me quitting my job, about the verbal abuse I was enduring or the other things) and they took me in for bit. By the evening he was calling and I didn't even answer my phone, I couldn't. He called my mom and she told him I was on the way back to them and he was livid of course. In his mind they were harboring a fugitive.

After about two weeks I went back. Returned with the promise of AA, no more drinking and a new therapist who specialized in alcoholism. This therapist was great, he was able to see through my husbands BS, and while he didn't of course condone my affair, was able to get my husband on track with either "You either can't move on from the mistake she made, you don't want to, whatever it is and you need to make plans to separate, or you love her enough to forgive, maybe not forget.. but move forward without the continued hostility." You only have two options. And to be he reminded me that I don't need to continue to put up with what my husband was doing. "You've beat yourself up long enough, and he certainly has beat you up emotionally enough that you too, don't have to continued to take what he is dishing out. You're sorry, you can't go back and change it and you're not doing it anymore. So you have options too." And my husband of course didn't like either of those things he said to him or to me.

Eventually we moved to another state, his drinking was less but he never stopped. Since we were 5 states away from where the affair occurred that finally slowed down to a trickle, but every now and then he'd bring it up and throw it at me. I just let him, it was usually when he was drunk. I found out he too had been speaking to other women he used to date when he was in high school. But that was okay because it was just talking (and pictures) but nothing physical. I didn't even care anymore. They eventually lost interest in him or he them and then he work kept him busy. I know he's not innocent, but I did my time and things got better. Now and again his ugly would come out, but it was few and far between. Then his youngest son from his second marriage died. He was just a teen, being a teen and paid the ultimate price for being young and acting dumb. You can imagine this sent him into a tailspin and the drinking really took over again.

At this point, I didn't try to intervene, there was no sense. He had so many friends enabling his drinking, they weren't thinking about the rest of us, just him. Which is his mindset. Me, me, me. So while we both worked, I would come home and do everything just as I always did, and he would sit and drink. Come to bed long enough to tap it and then leave right away to go back and drink. He started talking about having a child with me and I thought he was crazy. He'd talked for years about us having a child together but I was content to be step mom and take care of what he had. Plus I never wanted to bring a baby into the mix with our history and his drinking. But after his son died something changed. I told him I would consider it, but he would truly need to get help for his addiction. He agreed and wasn't drinking and going to therapy, it was good. But it didn't last and by that time I was pregnant.

I remember being exhausted and finally having the balls to ask him to help me out around the house. He proceeded to tell me the following, "This isn't a partnership. I'm not a damn women and if you wanted a woman then you should have married one." Being pregnant my emotions on this one really got to me. Years later it still hurts thinking about it and he says he doesn't remember saying it. He was drunk when he said it so maybe not, but he seemed a little embarrassed. But even now he isn't embarrassed enough to actually help out around the house. But two weeks ago, he again told me he wasn't made to scrub floors or wash dishes. That him and I aren't equal. He is the breadwinner, yet he is also the major spender in our marriage. So I too have to work to support all his little projects he likes to work on. He's better than me because he makes more money. 馃憦 I guess I'm na茂ve or was just too dumb to ever realize how mysogonystic he really is. He never helped me with our son after he was born. For one week he got up long enough to get him out of his crib and put him down because my back was out. But that was merely to hand him off to me only. The resentment I feel has not been something I throw in his face, I'm not a fighting wife or passive aggressive, I just shut down. So while I don't dread it up, I feel it every day and have not been able to let go it. And I know that in itself is destructive.

But I can't take it anymore. I've done nothing but give, give and give some more, thinking I could make up for my mistake, thinking it would make him love me, and I don't even know what else. Last fall two days before our anniversary he had me answer an email for him and up popped his messenger with a female pic. I didn't think anything of it, swiped it away and finished the email he was dictating to me while his best friend I'd flown in for his birthday played in the pool with our son. I joking handed his phone back to him and said "Oh your GF messaged you by the way on messenger." He got extremely flustered and was like no one messaged me, and just started acting stupid and I was like here I'll show you and I took his phone and opened it up and there it was, talking about her ass in high school and asking her for pics because it was his birthday and her asking what she was going to get in return.

I just couldn't believe it really, I was just joking when I said what I did and after everything I've done to right this terrible atrocity of wrong doing to and innocent man?? Honest to God, I don't know what else I can do to make this man happy. He has a spouse (with the exception of the affair I had ten pus years ago) at his beck and call, sex on demand, however you want it for that matter, built in maid, babysitter, financial planner, cook, secretary, ect. Most men would be begging for and then this. Like when is the playing field evened up? Were you getting back at me for the affair when you were talking to your ex 5 years ago? Were you still getting back at me when you left the hospital the night I had our son to drink and watch porn and is this also payback for my onetime affair? How much more do I need to go through?

After that, my emotion for him, it just died. I've been living like this for a year and it's taking it's toll. He finally realized I guess two weeks ago when he asked me what was wrong with me. I'm just done being taken advantage of. I've tried for months to talk about how I was feeling, but he always just shut me down. I understand he doesn't want to talk about what he was doing last year, I get it. He made me though, rather he didn't let me talk but just expected me to take the lashing I was getting over and over and I did like a champ and you can't have one heartfelt conversation with me? It just killed everything I thought I knew about this man. He isn't a bad man, selfish yes, he would do anything for a friend or college, he's dedicated to his work, but he just can't put 1/8 of the effort into his marriages. I should have seen that knowing he'd been divorced twice before me. But hell, I was barely an adult, I didn't know any better.

So here I am, doing everything I was doing before, being the good and dutiful wife. Am I miserable, yes. I don't have the financial means to live on my own. I don't want to destroy my child. I'm not that selfish. He asks me what I want to do and I don't have an answer. I finally told him last night, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. "Oh I'm not complaining, but for you to be happy maybe therapy?" I'm not against therapy but that's not going to fix my unhappiness. As long as my unhappiness isn't affecting you negatively then why does it matter. It never mattered before to you. He still has clothes everyday, gets sex when he wants it, even though it's just me there until he's done, he's just fine with that. I can be robot, I have been for years.

Bring on the criticisms, I know I need to hear it. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe to vent, maybe a little validation because my feelings have only ever been invalidated? I don't know.
 

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It sounds like a very unhappy marriage to me. It's hard to see how either of you can be at all happy. Do you want this to continue?
 

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I was a medic, I have to go back to school. I'm no longer national registered.
If that would help you support you and your child then go for it. You're 34, you're going to look up and be 44 in the same situation if you don't act.

I know you said something about therapy won't fix your unhappiness. If you do leave and want to have a healthy relationship in the future you will need therapy to figure out why you stayed in relationship like this. Otherwise the next guy is going to be just like him.
 

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I get it.
Leave him, divorce him.

I agree, finish up your schooling for that EMT job. These jobs are in demand, nation wise.
If possible, stay at your parents while you finish up your degree.

You may consider joining the Army National Guard.
They will pay for your schooling and you can be a medic in the Guard.
There is an age cut off, so, don't dally.

If you put in 20 years you will get a lifetime pension and health benefits.
That is rare offering in today's America.


Are Dee-
 
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Come up with a plan. And execute the plan.

You don't have the resources to cut it on your own now? Change that. While you still have the security of the marriage.

You have friends or family that can assist?

I'm left with the impression that this isn't about helping you arrive at a decision. I suspect you are already there. The problem is that you don't have the means to follow through on the decision. Is that the case?
 

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Come up with a plan. And execute the plan.

You don't have the resources to cut it on your own now? Change that. While you still have the security of the marriage.

You have friends or family that can assist?

I'm left with the impression that this isn't about helping you arrive at a decision. I suspect you are already there. The problem is that you don't have the means to follow through on the decision. Is that the case?
 

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Yeah, you made several serious mistakes. Marrying him in the first place, for one, and more seriously, getting pregnant by him when he was an unrecovered alcoholic who talked about shooting people.
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe to vent, maybe a little validation because my feelings have only ever been invalidated?
You didn't say very much about your feelings.
 

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I know you said something about therapy won't fix your unhappiness. If you do leave and want to have a healthy relationship in the future you will need therapy to figure out why you stayed in relationship like this. Otherwise the next guy is going to be just like him.
Yes, this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Come up with a plan. And execute the plan.

You don't have the resources to cut it on your own now? Change that. While you still have the security of the marriage.

You have friends or family that can assist?

I'm left with the impression that this isn't about helping you arrive at a decision. I suspect you are already there. The problem is that you don't have the means to follow through on the decision. Is that the case?
I don't have family anywhere near me. I can't move back home because there is no room. Yes I want out, but I don't know how to execute it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Come up with a plan. And execute the plan.

You don't have the resources to cut it on your own now? Change that. While you still have the security of the marriage.

You have friends or family that can assist?

I'm left with the impression that this isn't about helping you arrive at a decision. I suspect you are already there. The problem is that you don't have the means to follow through on the decision. Is that the case?
I don't have the means no. I don't have any family close to me, 10 hours away. We've been here about 2 years, I have friends but not friends that can help with my son. I do work so I've started saving what I can in the event the time to leave does arrive. I'm not in physical danger.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yeah, you made several serious mistakes. Marrying him in the first place, for one, and more seriously, getting pregnant by him when he was an unrecovered alcoholic who talked about shooting people.

You didn't say very much about your feelings.
Yeah, you made several serious mistakes. Marrying him in the first place, for one, and more seriously, getting pregnant by him when he was an unrecovered alcoholic who talked about shooting people.

You didn't say very much about your feelings.
He said 10 years ago the night he found out about the affair. That's not ever happened again. Not that's its a good excuse for even doing it that one time. Recovery in an alcoholic is never ending. At least in his case.
 

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He said 10 years ago the night he found out about the affair. That's not ever happened again. Not that's its a good excuse for even doing it that one time. Recovery in an alcoholic is never ending.
Yeah, I understand and agree on both of those points.
 
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