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I don't disagree with this. Perhaps it's some of the posts that rub me the wrong way but they seem to swing to such extremes from one end to another: I don't think life is so black and white.

Have you ever felt insecurity? If not, then you maybe won't be able to easily relate to the OP. This particular situation is somewhat alien for me too (in the way that it was composed) but I cannot guarantee I wouldn't feel insecure if my wife decided to stop/reduce sex significantly with me. We discuss these things all the time, the only difference here is that his wife has a past so she obviously has not always been LD.
I've read every post thus far, but must've missed something. I don't remember OP saying that his wife is LD, just that sex isn't quite as frequent, which makes sense given that they're parents and probably have a lot going on. I'd bet that after a day of working, looking after children's needs, cleaning and cooking, OP's wife may not feel like having wild horndog sex with her husband. My energy levels certainly wouldn't be up for doing that! What I don't remember being stated, is how much the OP contributes to the household duties. Does he look after the cooking and dishes while his wife looks after the children? Does he contribute to cleaning up at the end of the day? Or, does he go sit on the couch and wait while his wife looks after everything? There's a big difference there, and one that would make any spouse feel like a life partner versus a maid/chef/taken advantage of.
 

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I've read every post thus far, but must've missed something. I don't remember OP saying that his wife is LD, just that sex isn't quite as frequent, which makes sense given that they're parents and probably have a lot going on.

Maybe. **** knows. I am always on the side of the underdog anyway, just in case.



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Ok so if you walk away and play the single life
she gets to do that also right ? Will you be thinking
about who she is with then ? What she is wearing
and doing with them ? What if she starts a new long
term relationship ? Together they take the kids on vacation,
thinking about that also ? What if she gets remarried and
then seems really happy ? Kids also. Your single living the
good life then right ?

I have known people who got married to their first love.
Men and women both. First in everything, sex included.
Then they divorced, because they thought they had missed
out on something. They found out the hard way that they
hadn't. They missed what they had to begin with. Some moved
on with out any regrets.

The past is the past, what you want and have now is what
matters. Either work on this together or let her go. This doesn't
mean it will last forever or fall apart. That is the future, you could
spend your every waking moment worrying about that also. Or you
could spend your time working on your marriage and making it better.

That is your choice, it is called life how you live yours is up to you.
If you truly don't want to stay with her let her go. It is not fair to
to keep her in limbo. She gets to live her life also, with you or with out.

If you keep thinking about this and that and everything in between she
may decide for you. Think about that now? Her life she gets to decide
that also.
 

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It is her fault for hiding the fact that she was a bicycle for hood thugs. How would you feel if one day, (hypothetically) after years and years of marriage, you found out from an old friend of your wife's that she had been a rock groupie for years before she married you?

"Wow honey... so... you were a road ho for Motorhead huh? My my, funny you never mentioned that. I was wondering why I was growing warts on my penis..."
That's a pretty big jump from "gosh golly, my wife has a past" to "that's why I've had gential warts for years"
 

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Maybe. **** knows. I am always on the side of the underdog anyway, just in case.
Me too. It's why I'm siding with the wife in this particular instance, because there's nothing wrong with having a past (everyone has one), and she also doesn't have a voice on this forum. She seems like a stand-up person the way OP has described her, and would do well to be free of her husband.
 

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I can't un-see this now.
I apologise for violating your mind. Lol! >:) I have to live with it every day and I'm just stumped about it when a wife as solid as this one isn't appreciated more.

My youngest son isn't nearly as responsible or hardworking as my oldest and his fiance is beautiful, had a degree before graduating high school and is ambitious and definitely the intellectual leader of their partnership. To his credit, my youngest is amazing with people and has positively influenced her life and the lives of her family.:smile2:
 

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Ah here we go. So that’s the issue then, not her past. I doubt there are any men who care about their wife’s past as long as she is ****ing their brains out.
(How do you know so much detail about her past anyway?)




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Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...

My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.

The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.

Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.
 

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Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...

My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.

The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.

Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.
Yes, to me, this makes absolutely perfect sense.
Perhaps the answer is honesty and frequent, wild monkey sex with current partner!
 

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Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...

My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.

The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.

Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.
Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.

Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.

Her past bother you more or the lying about it?
 

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I have seen this once before, and frankly it is a dangerous mindset. My view of the entire scenario, is that OP will use her past to justify either an affair, or a divorce. As I said, I had one couple come to the office for me to determine which had the greater equity in their home and business. Financially speaking it was a minefield. As they got to talking, which is not unusual for people in this situation, (I find that they want to explain their reasons to split) He pointed out that she had a past, and she was his first. She had, somewhat misled him when they were dating, limiting the number of partners from her past. It apparently was made clear to him after a period of a few years, that she had a more extensive past, and had experienced several things that she did not do with him. He found out from a former best girlfriend of hers, (sounds to me as if the GF had an agenda, and told him things that unnerved him) He had confronted his wife, and after her confession, their marriage slowly unraveled. I took this as him being both immature and resentful. He used the knowledge provided by the girlfriend, and justified less than stellar behavior. His wife was accommodating, but ultimately, he justified betraying her, and ended the marriage. He has not remarried. She has a nice relationship with a gentleman of my acquaintance, and she learnt to be more forthcoming with her past. My opinion of the now ex husband has not changed, immature and resentful. SMDH.
 

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Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.

Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.

Her past bother you more or the lying about it?
I am on board with you Conan, riding down the highway in your Sedona while you MB at home for the 8th time lol

I would not so much be bothered about my Ws past if I found out down the road if it wasn't something that we had already discussed. However, if it was something we did discuss and she blatantly left out information (or flat out lied), that would be a huge issue. Those are things that may have impacted my decision earlier on as to whether or not to continue the relationship, so purposefully holding back that information is a big no no.
 

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OP

The past,

How many people on here or in real life have a past ?
Good, bad, worth remembering or filled with regret.
How many people are still the same or have they
changed and grown ? Me and my wife have changed.
When we met we had no kids. I was in the delivery
room for both of their births. She had a miscarriage,
I was there for that to. We both have traveled
and seen many things and places together. Met a lot
of great people and different cultures.

Now we have grand kids and that is a new experience to.
Can't do a lot of the things I used to be able to do. Old bones
and aches and pains. Not going to stop living and trying thou.
Guess it could all end anytime, but I have lived and enjoyed
every moment with her. Planning on many more, maybe great
grand kids.

Did we both have some relationships before we met. Yes
we did, way back in the past. Some good some bad, they don't
matter. What we have and have been through out weighs it all.
Talked about them all.

My point is OP what you and her have together should matter most.
She may not have told you everything because she regrets those
things. Mistakes she made, and wants to forget. I am sure you made
some also. We all do when were young, its what we learn from them
that counts the most. That is what people do after all.

Hope you work this out for all of you.
 

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I am on board with you Conan, riding down the highway in your Sedona while you MB at home for the 8th time lol

I would not so much be bothered about my Ws past if I found out down the road if it wasn't something that we had already discussed. However, if it was something we did discuss and she blatantly left out information (or flat out lied), that would be a huge issue. Those are things that may have impacted my decision earlier on as to whether or not to continue the relationship, so purposefully holding back that information is a big no no.
My hat brother and I really like it.
 

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I agree with Bandit on this. Need to stop beating up on him. Whether he wants out of the marriage or not, the basic fact is she lied to him! About cheating! He never got the chance to take that into consideration. And now he also knows that she did things for others but won't do it with him. It may be her God given right to not do them but it will still sting.

So for all the ones saying she is a great wife where are you getting that from ? For all saying she cannot change her past, well neither can a murderer who did not confess to murdering someone (not as extreme, I know). But she chose to do it, chose not to tell him and now makes him feel like she is withholding sexual favours (even if she isnt).

Now it may be true that he wants out anyway but you cannot ignore what she has done too.
 

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The OP does seem to want this to justify divorcing his wife. That seems rash, but it's ultimately his to decide.

I do kind of get his feeling like he's missing something with this current, tamer version of his wife. I know it's an overstatement and I understand how people and priorities change, but sometimes it seems like people, usually women with a wild past are explaining their transition to a more placid sex life with something like, "I love you and I'm done having fun, so let's get married". Little bit like that.
 

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Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
So basically, you're getting married sex and you're jealous that she got to have a lot of crazy sex and you didn't.

And you're twisting this around to be her fault because you won't admit the truth.

Classy.
 

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Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.

Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.

Her past bother you more or the lying about it?
This particular lie or understatement while uncomfortable for sure, didn't bother me as much as it could have mainly because 35 or 100, meh, by the time one gets into those numbers, it becomes pretty academic. She was the one who asked me very point blank and early on what my number was. After a minute or so of uncomfortable disbelief, she told me hers. For those who might want to try and go down that road, she told me without my prompting. What I heard recently did actually amuse me a bit because of the old adage that one should take what a woman says her number is and multiply by three to get the truth. Well, anecdotally, there ya have it.

It was evident from the very start that she and I saw sex differently. She sees sex as more of a recreational activity like golf or rollerskating with no necessity for higher importance or deeper meaning. There is also very little that she hadn't tried previous to me, but combine that with her competitive nature, and her trophy collection tendencies, and there were a lot of firsts for me that she actively tried to collect...even if they were things she did not like to do previously, she wanted to make sure she could lay claim to being my first in what ever it was.
 
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