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‘Cos she might have been ashamed of it? That would appear to be the most common reason.


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He's so ashamed of it he can't even state the it as the case.
Messed up
 

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So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.

I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view
In terms of how you got your information, this isn't the best way; you need to talk directly to your wife about her past, and what all it involved.

Everyone has a past, even the "good girls". I've been classed as a goody-goody by more than one person because I typically don't put any toes out of line. However, I've had a fair number of sexual partners. Do I readily share this information with a new suitor? Nope, unless I'm asked directly. Information that I do share is whether or not I've been tested recently, as that is the business of anyone that I'm getting involved with. Pasts are everywhere; if you leave your wife to try to find someone who's past doesn't bother you, I wish you much luck because you'll be looking for a unicorn. People like that don't exist, and really, someone can find fault with anything, so you can't win either way. Plus, take it from someone in the dating arena right now: it's very hard to find someone out there who you'll click with. Most are just out there for a quick lay (again with the pasts that everyone has).

Here's what I would honestly do if I were you: I would talk calmly with my spouse, and then I would get myself to a therapist. Her past obviously bothers you, and you need to figure out why. If you love her and legitimately love being in a relationship, I would hang onto the one that you have because the grass isn't always greener.
 

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No, but he seems to be convinced that it was much better than what he is getting now. Is there reason to doubt him?
Impossible to tell based on our very limited exposure to specifics here.

In general, we do know this is not an uncommon issue... and that it is frequently borne more of insecurity than a legitimate cause for concern.
 

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Their lack of sex and her lack of sexual interest in him bothers him (nobody seems to comment about this for some reason?). That’s my final diagnosis. Either that or he found someone else he would rather have sex with.


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Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
She wore lingerie, did more, and talked dirty with her previous lovers.
Could be because she works and is now a full time mom. There are two
kids in the house also who can see and hear things maybe ? You think
you missed out on the best of her? Maybe you brought out the best in her.
Maybe she was looking for someone who would love her and care about her.
Someone to start a real life with, maybe the best is yet to come. Lots of
good memories yet to be made. Me and my wife have made tons of them.

She has already done things with you she didn't with anyone else.

She married you, she could have said no.
She has kids with you, and is committed to you and them.
She could have had your first born, filed for custody and
you would be paying support. You could now have to start
paying support for two. I am not saying stay for the kids but
stay because you want to. Be sure what you want to do.
Don't throw away a good life for nothing. Everybody has a past
some lie about it, some trust the person they are with and confess.

I think you should try counseling and you and her need more time
alone. Time for her to wear lingerie and everything. When me and
my wife first started dating it was just us. We could come and go
and do what we wanted. Sex all day and all night if we wanted.
Kids and living life changed all of that. Now our kids are out of the
house and just us again.

Don't believe everything you hear and see about the single live.
It isn't as great as some people think it is.

Just my viewpoint:

In today's society if you have someone and committed
try and fix the problems first. Try everything first, counseling
working things out etc. If things cannot be fixed then leave.
DON'T CHEAT leave. Once it is gone it cannot be taken back.

If you decide to leave and then feel like you made a mistake.
You may find yourself just thought of as another ex.
 

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Impossible to tell based on our very limited exposure to specifics here.
"We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well."

Seems pretty specific to me.

In general, we do know this is not an uncommon issue... and that it is frequently borne more of insecurity than a legitimate cause for concern.
"We" do not know where the insecurities stem from exactly. Each case will be different.
 

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The seven year itch is scratching at your door somewhat early.

We all go through cycles of happy and unhappy.

Let this one {cycle} pedal on by.

If you keep up this attitude you will push her to relive her fast-past.....with you.

If you cannot make good on your promises, then just end it.

Do not waste yours' or her time.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- THRD
 

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Geez, tough crowd here. You can't always help what you feel, yet some here are ready to tear the OPs throat out :surprise:

Honestly OP, sounds like you are going through a mid life crisis and even possibly dealing with depression? Maybe the first step would be to seek professional help (maybe marriage counseling, but to start it would probably make more sense to just focus on yourself with a counselor).
 

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"We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well."

Seems pretty specific to me.



"We" do not know where the insecurities stem from exactly. Each case will be different.
She may have done all that for any number of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with enjoying it more.

Okay, so sex with them was "different. "

But different how?

That is the critical question for which we don't yet have a definitive answer?
 

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She may have done all that for any number of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with enjoying it more.

Okay, so sex with them was "different. "

But different how?

That is the critical question for which we don't yet have a definitive answer?
More wild but more boring? Come on... :rolleyes:

Are you saying that it wouldn't bother you if your wife had lots more sex with her past partners but not with you? A lot of guys are not bothered as long as their wife desires them as little as everyone else she ever desired. :wink2: If new information comes to light then that changes quickly... I am not saying some husbands don't work themselves up or are unreasonably paranoid I just don't get why people launch at him with therapy etc...It seems a bit ott given the fact that she doesn't particularly want to **** him very much.
 

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I don't think it is fair to hold some one to a standard of the past dating.

So, are you as hot for her as you were with every girlfriend you ever had sex with no matter the duration of the relationship?

If she was married for years and had kids and still had lots of sex, then that would be a fair comparison, but that isn't what we are comparing.

I would bet dollars to donuts that you were more attentive to the girls you dated than you are currently to your wife, so give me a break.
 

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To answer your question, she withheld some information. Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it.

Yeah my concerns are consistent with a teenage boy wanting to press restart. But the thing is there is that option of pressing restart. Yes it may be painful but as was mentioned it is currently toxic so i see separation as being a way to take the heat out of this issue. I dont think separation is abandonment especially as i would want to try and have equal custody

Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again. Any other guys going through the same issue?
Maxpelle, I do understand where you are coming from based on your reply above. Its not just that she had this past but she also withheld info from you that, as you said above, would have caused you not to go through with the marriage, had you known. You essentially married a cheater without knowing that fact. And she did not come clean with all the facts on her own - you had to find out from others.

So with that in mind I do understand your feelings on this. To make matters worse if she is withholding from you what she freely did with others, will add salt to the wound - this is not to say that she has to do anything with you that she did in the past with her other lovers, but it will sting nevertheless.

So while your actions have insecurity all over them, this comes from an understandable source. HOWEVER ...

this doesnt mean that you have to divorce to sort this out. It sounds like both of you need to go to counselling. She needs to go in order to understand why she withheld info from you and to have a better understanding of how you feel about it (empathy) so that she can help you. You need to go to understand how you can communicate these feelings better, get a better understanding of whether you think she is a better person now and get an understanding of why she isnt doing those things with you that she did with others.

You need to arrive at a point where you believe that she is a good, loyal and loving wife to you and a good mother to your kids (regardless of her past) OR if you believe that she is irreparably flawed, then you need to separate (but not until you fully understand why you are separating). And you need to do this for the sakes of both of you else your resentment will just grow and become very damaging.

If you do decide to stay, once you have received therapy, then you need to make sure that you come to terms with why she denies you whatever it is that you seek sexually and arrive at either a compromise or a mutually agreeable solution to it.

All of this is going to take work. Do you value your marriage enough to put this kind of work in?

Again, remember that I am not blaming you at all for feeling this way (unlike many others here). I do understand. But, as I said, there is work that needs to be done to get to the other side.
 

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More wild but more boring? Come on... :rolleyes:

Are you saying that it wouldn't bother you if your wife had lots more sex with her past partners but not with you? A lot of guys are not bothered as long as their wife desires them as little as everyone else she ever desired. :wink2: If new information comes to light then that changes quickly... I am not saying some husbands don't work themselves up or are unreasonably paranoid I just don't get why people launch at him with therapy etc...It seems a bit ott given the fact that she doesn't particularly want to **** him very much.
All I'm saying is I wouldn't assume. I'd want to know more. If that process of discovery confirms the surface appearance, then of course it would bother me

But there are women out there who go through a wild phase and end up deciding vanilla is their favorite flavor after all. I fully understand the sense of loss that comes with not having been a part of that.
 

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All I'm saying is I wouldn't assume. I'd want to know more.

I think that’s precisely the reason why he is posting here...Finding our if there is anyone else who feels like him and why he is feeling like this...Until he got bashed away for being an insecure and ungrateful moron...
Gotta love the positivity here.


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I think that’s precisely the reason why he is posting here...Finding our if there is anyone else who feels like him and why he is feeling like this...Until he got bashed away for being an insecure and ungrateful moron...Gotta love the positivity here.
I don’t see it as him getting bashed. I see this as more of a very strange situation of him not agreeing with the person that his wife used to be. The person she used to be probably isn’t who she is now, and everyone has a past. If he divorces her for having a past, he’ll never find anyone because no one will have a past that satisfies him unless she’s a former nun. He’s chasing after unicorns, and it’s unfortunate, but OP doesn’t realize it.
@Maxpelle12, I was married, and am now divorced. My former husband was hard to take, and our relationship had very few good and healthy points. I’m now in the dating scene, and will say that it’s hard. Not just a challenge; it’s hard and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I’ve been online dating off and on (mostly on) since mid-December 2017, and have met and been on dates with approximately 100 men, and do you know how many nice ones that I’ve found? About 3 of them. And all of them have had pasts of varying degrees.
 

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I don’t see it as him getting bashed. I see this as more of a very strange situation of him not agreeing with the person that his wife used to be. The person she used to be probably isn’t who she is now, and everyone has a past. If he divorces her for having a past, he’ll never find anyone because no one will have a past that satisfies him unless she’s a former nun. He’s chasing after unicorns, and it’s unfortunate, but OP doesn’t realize it.
The way I am looking at it (assuming this is a legit story), the OP is not in the right state of mind. Whether it is depression, mid life crisis, etc... he is probably not thinking straight. I am sure other people here have dealt with this, with depression, dealt with being unable to calm your irrational thoughts. In a case like this, egging him on to just do his W a favor and get a divorce, or talking down to him just doesn't seem all that productive. That is why I am cringing at some of these responses here where some folks are essentially lecturing him and want to push him further along towards divorce. I get it, when I first read his opening post and subsequent responses, I wanted to post the same type of replies. So how about we try to help save this dude's marriage, help him get back to reality and not push him further off the edge (this is not directed at you Ursula) :D I actually think @manfromlamancha response was great. I also feel odd writing this as I have quite a few posts here that really have no purpose nor help anyone lol.

Your post has me imagining nuns riding unicorns lol
 
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