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Honestly, right now your attitude is completely toxic to your marriage. You're jealous, you're envious, you're resentful, you're angry, you're self-absorbed, you're self-entitled, and you're acting like a 14 year old hormonal teenage boy having a tantrum because he wants so badly to hit the RE-START button.
It had to be said. And there ain't nothing else to say.
 

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I did ask this question but did not get a clear reply. Did she lie about or withold information about her past when you were about to marry her ? Especially the bit about cheating etc ? Would this have made a difference to you at the time ?
 

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I guess you should see how many virgin brides are available at your age and location. Everyone has a past, whatever her past was, that is what made her who she was when she was apparently good enough to throw some babies in.

Life gets complicated, people get tired, it requires work to sustain a relationship.

I am not saying your feelings are invalid, but the conclusions and justifications you are drawing from them are. Of course it hurts to think that she was hotter for someone else. Well, there also was no responsibility there either. There were no cares, duties, jobs, just fun.

There is a reason that people are so infatuated with affair partners, because there is no baggage, no work, and no demands.

This is life man, you need to work through your stuff. She could be more supportive, but I would bet that your presentation of this came out as a bunch of whining and looking weak. Insecurity is not a big turn on.
 

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Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.

In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.

There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.
I'll give you a possible reason she won't do those things for you.

Judgement. Both from you and herself.

Read your posts and ask yourself if someone felt the way you do towards her would you be open to experimenting with them?

Or would you be afraid if you said or did the wrong thing they would judge you? A person only fears the judge of someone who matters to them.

Something else: she did things with others she won't do with you? Is she with them or you? In NSA sex the other person doesn't matter so they don't fear their judgement because they don't plan on a relationship or aren't in love! They aren't vested in the other person.

If someone matters it takes trust in them to open up.

With an anonymous person (nsa sex) they feel free to let go just like people who are judgmental/or jerks on internet forums only because they are anonymous.

I'll give a likely scenario: somewhere in the first year or so of your relationship the 2 of you were talking and she said something about her past, or she did something with you, and noticed a judgemental look on your face, or you said something offhand that shut her down.

Lead the way.

Eta: judgment of herself. Even though nothing is wrong about talking dirty and lingerie perhaps she judged herself for cheating and said to herself she was a bad person. She wore lingerie and dirty talked while cheating therefore linking dirty talk and lingerie to being a bad person.
Until you know her you won't know what it is, but you can't know her as long as you are judging her or sitting in the chair of insecurity.

What you aren't seeing is you're living your life now.
As for living "your" life. Grow up!
If you aren't living your life, then you are living hers or your childrens life.
If you're living for your children by attending every sport available why? If you want to fish take them fishing. If you want to hunt take them hunting. Be the leader instead of a tag along being blown by the winds of every school year change.

I wouldn't trade partying and jumping beds for a solid relationship anyday. Not all it's cracked up to be unless your wife is emotionally abusive.

Hopefully I didn't go too deep.
 

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To answer your question, she withheld some information. Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it.

Yeah my concerns are consistent with a teenage boy wanting to press restart. But the thing is there is that option of pressing restart. Yes it may be painful but as was mentioned it is currently toxic so i see separation as being a way to take the heat out of this issue. I dont think separation is abandonment especially as i would want to try and have equal custody

Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again. Any other guys going through the same issue?
 

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Let me clue you in on something.

The thoughts of your wife's past are not going to go away, even if you divorce. I have never, by the grace of God, had a divorce.... but my wife, who had a sordid past, and taunted me about it, passed away, and I remarried.

Guess what? The thoughts of that traumatic marriage have stayed with me, even until today, and her passing was now 29 years ago. Certainly, they do not carry the intensity of emotion they did then. But, the feelings of inferiority that began in me then have plagued me for nearly 3 decades beyond the point at which my wife was no longer in my life.

What helped me to reduce the intensity of these thoughts was THE TRUTH. My wife admitted the truth, finally. That she was not attracted to me as a man, ever, not even from the beginning. Her attraction was to my "qualities".... being a good husband, father, provider. It was these things that she wanted from me, the things she couldn't find among the "bad boys" she had wild sex with. None of them wanted to marry and "nest".... they wanted the sex, but beyond that, they only wanted to move on to the next woman.

I don't recommend that you seek a divorce, that word makes me wince, but I'm also aware that there are cases in which divorce is the "gnat" and the lousy marriage built upon lies is the "camel".

Hopefully, you can establish truth in your relationship to your wife.

Maxpelle12 said:
Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it.
That is, for damned certain, the case with me. I would not have wasted my freedom, my time, my energy to try and create a satisfactory marriage if I had known the truth before.

Maxpelle12 said:
Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again.
Yep, and do that from a position of strength.
 

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Now it's starting to come together.

You feel you were duped and didn't marry the person you thought?

What have you discovered that made her a different person?
 

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Max, I agree with TJW in part. Whatever is going on your head, it is coming from a place of insecurity. That insecurity is going to stay with you, wherever you go until it is dealt with.

You owe it to her and your kids to do everything you can to work through that without blowing this up.
 

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What helped me to reduce the intensity of these thoughts was THE TRUTH. My wife admitted the truth, finally. That she was not attracted to me as a man, ever, not even from the beginning. Her attraction was to my "qualities".... being a good husband, father, provider. It was these things that she wanted from me, the things she couldn't find among the "bad boys" she had wild sex with. None of them wanted to marry and "nest".... they wanted the sex, but beyond that, they only wanted to move on to the next woman.
Wow.

Just wow.

What a charming person she was.
 

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Dear Max,

It is my opinion, your wife hasn't given you any cause for concern. According to your post, she has been a good wife. The past is her past and maybe she has grown and want to be a better person. You better think before you throw away a good thing. You must find yourself a good counselor.

Best,
Dreamer
 

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Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.

Ah here we go. So that’s the issue then, not her past. I doubt there are any men who care about their wife’s past as long as she is ****ing their brains out.
(How do you know so much detail about her past anyway?)




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So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.

I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view

What about trying to make sex with your current wife better? Is that possible or not likely?


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Woah I’m not sure why so many are kicking you while you are down....’nice’

I don’t read it as if you are blaming your wife. I think you both need to find ways to improve your sex life, that’s really the main thing.
It seems to me that you are having all these insecurities because sex life is a bit **** at the moment for you, and you are wondering why she is different with you whereas she had wild crazy sex with many other guys...The natural conclusion to you might seem that she is less attracted to you right?
It’s more complicated. She would never have married hose guys, she chose you. Plus sex can and does more often than not get stale when people have been together for a while. Priorities change. It says nothing about her levels of attraction towards you. At least there is not reason to believe that there is.
Talk to her about you insecurities. Ignore people who tell you to hide them.
Unless you already met someone who you fantasies about having better/more sex with? In which case ignore my post.


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Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.

In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.

There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.
Nope. She doesnt have to do one single damn thing that she did with anyone in the past. Not sure why you think you are so damn entitled. She is giving you the best she has right now, raising a family with you and honestly it sounds pretty freaking good from here. But I guess you are not yet grown up enough for something this real. Pretty effing sad.
 

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So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.

I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view
If what your getting at is she jumped the race barrier and did not tell you before marriage, I'd have to ask myself why would she withhold that info?
 
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