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Hey everyone. I just joined and hope i could get some advice or comments about my situation.

So i am 29 my wife is 30. We meet when i was in my early 20s. We dated for about 1.5 years and then she fell pregnant with our first. We got engaged and married within 1 year of our child being born. I remember thinking that I was too young to get married and settle down but i needed to do that for my child. We since had another child and have progressed in life. We have good jobs, we own a house, we go on family holidays. But there has always been an unsettling feeling about her past. I knew some of it when we dated - she cheated on her ex, partied alot and went through a phase of just sleeping with numerous men. However recently i uncovered more information about her past and it created this painful and nervous feeling in me. I found how she used to dress, she cheated multiple times on her ex, she dated some pretty gangster type guys. Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help. I do feel insecure and feel that not only did i miss out on having fun times because i married early, she had alot of fun and is just settling down.

Im not sure what i can do. I feel this tremendous sense that ive been played and im so angry which is affecting my life. I have contemplated divorce and there are days where i really want to go through with it. Has anyone been in my situation? If so what did you do?

Thanks in advance
 

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This is about resentment.

Resenting the past.
The one she had, the one you did not.

It is a shame that you are now are thinking these harmful thoughts, two children later.

You should have worn condoms with her if you did not want children.

OK, now what?

I think you need to get a grip on things.

You are having second thoughts.
Having little kids running around the house is no longer a lot of fun. It is a lot of work.

Yes, she partied around a lot early in life, and yes she cheated on her ex, but she finally grew up. You knew that when you married her.

I say bull to the reason you want out. It is not only because she was rather loose and carefree, but because you are tired of being a full time father, tied to a marriage.

If you do divorce, never tell her that her past is the reason. That would be too cruel. She knows what she did. She told you to get over it.

That tells you she has no regrets. Take that at face value.

I suggest counseling or divorce. I feel sorry for the children.
Do not make them suffer at your hands.

I believe there is more to your story.





[THM]- THRD
 

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Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help.
Firstly, her minimization of it IS a BIG problem.

Secondly, her statement that her past is the past is a half-truth. It's a "trickle truth". It is now a problem in her present, and in yours, because she did not open up to you about the extent of her promiscuity, nor about her mode of life, nor about having dated gangster types. She needs to own her error, and seek your forgiveness for being less than honest with you prior to marriage.

Thirdly, when people are married, what is a problem for one of the people is a problem for both of the people. Telling you that you are "insecure" is a huge cop out, your insecurity is based upon a normal human reaction to her behavior. Many people would also feel insecure in similar circumstances.

Fourthly, telling you to "get help" is shirking her responsibility to work through these issues with you as your loving and devoted wife. She should be "in it" with you for the sake of being to you what she promised to be.
 

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Uh oh.....

Well, you must be pretty studly to have tamed that filly!

Has she been faithful and committed, loving to you in your marriage?

If so, you found something pretty golden.

I don't think you should even consider divorce over this.

Has she been good to you and your kids?

My oldest son is her age. He is married to a shrew unfortunately but he is hard working and successful.

Maybe you two could trade? His wife doesn't have much of a history at all but is meaner than a one nut badger and less sane.
 

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You aren't making sense. She's only one year older than you, which means if you got married young then she got married young+1 year. That's hardly a significant difference. So this isn't about being married young, it's about lack of experience compared to your wife.

You are blessed. Your wife "sowed her wild oats" before she met you and likely got rid of any desire to seek out others after marriage, unlike YOU. You are looking over the fence and thinking that the grass is greener over there. Don't make that mistake. The BEST sex I ever had was with my wife, the woman who loved me and was devoted to me. Trust me, you aren't missing anything. Without love, if you've been in one woman you've been in them all.

Her past is the past, just like she says. She's with you now and that's all that matters. You are thinking of divorce??? Stand in front of a mirror. Now slap yourself in the face and say out loud "I'm a fool!". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
 

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You'd be surprised to know how many wild women (who would have been called the S word without reservation or remorse) back in their younger days I know who are now the most faithful and devoted wives.

Once they honed in on one and chose to settle down, they did so with great fidelity and commitment. I don't think it's that uncommon.
 

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The past is the past, only when it's in the past.

I like to know people. Meaning, if someone has cheated in the past I like to learn the person well enough to understand why they cheated which is the only way to put it in the past for you. Some women are unable to express why in words.

The mistake people make is to ask about the past so they may create a judgment, or feed their self-fulfilling prophecies of inadequacy, failure, or whatever it may be, instead of taking a serious interest in the individual as to what they think was the reason; how they felt about it; what they thought of themselves, what issues did you face within yourself, what was your best moment, your worst................

From your post you have yet to do that, or those insecurities wouldn't be nagging at you. Some people are okay with a normal relationship.

My wife told me I was the only one to ever take an interest in her as a person to know her for who she is, and what made her tick. Former women from relationships have said the same.

Hope this makes sense.

If she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her, if your relationship is on solid ground build an even stronger foundation by learning who your wife is.
 

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Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
 

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Is it possible she senses your disturbance with her past? Have you told her? Maybe that is making you less attractive.

You feel the way you feel, but a man who is worried / jealous of their partners exes is not an attractive thing.

Can you accept here as the woman you love completely and ignore the past?


Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
 

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Your wife is right, it's not about her past it's about you. Does she even look back on it fondly?
 

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Hey everyone. I just joined and hope i could get some advice or comments about my situation.

So i am 29 my wife is 30. We meet when i was in my early 20s. We dated for about 1.5 years and then she fell pregnant with our first. We got engaged and married within 1 year of our child being born. I remember thinking that I was too young to get married and settle down but i needed to do that for my child. We since had another child and have progressed in life. We have good jobs, we own a house, we go on family holidays. But there has always been an unsettling feeling about her past. I knew some of it when we dated - she cheated on her ex, partied alot and went through a phase of just sleeping with numerous men. However recently i uncovered more information about her past and it created this painful and nervous feeling in me. I found how she used to dress, she cheated multiple times on her ex, she dated some pretty gangster type guys. Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help. I do feel insecure and feel that not only did i miss out on having fun times because i married early, she had alot of fun and is just settling down.

Im not sure what i can do. I feel this tremendous sense that ive been played and im so angry which is affecting my life. I have contemplated divorce and there are days where i really want to go through with it. Has anyone been in my situation? If so what did you do?

Thanks in advance


How did you ‘uncover’ it?
People will probably tell you to get over it. This problem seems to crop up quite a lot so I guess it IS a problem. Usually, when someone had one image of their wife and then it suddenly changed through some kind of traumatic uncovering experience or when the husband feels he’s loosing ‘control’ (when his wife stops sleeping with husband or the husband gets a feeling the wife is more interested in someone else). Just guessing here.
In theory, it shouldn’t matter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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On the one hand I agree with others who say do not focus on her past IF she is being a good wife to you today while on the other hand, my understanding is that you would like her to do all those things with you and she has not, but now you find that she did them with her previous lovers (lingerie, dirty talk etc).

So I do understand the resentment especially if you have asked her for these, she has declined and now you find that she did them before.

Also finding out after you have married that your wife was a cheater is clearly important and impactful and may have ifluenced your decision to marry her or not - so that would have been lying by omission.

Is this accurate ? And if so, how did you find all this out ?
 

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Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
You don’t feel that you missed out on “the best part of her” you feel like you missed out on life in general. You knew you were too young to be married but you did it anyway. Now you are rewriting history to justify your feelings.
Other than a time machine there’s nothing your wife can do about her past. She obviously senses that you are pulling away from her and her reduced desire for you is a symptom of that.
You are mourning a past that you didn’t have and because your wife had a more adventurous younger life you feel cheated.
Ask yourself this,if you divorce do you honestly think you will have beautiful women flocking to your door just dying to have sex.Or will you just be another guy who threw away a beautiful,sensual women because you thought the grass was greener somewhere else?
The past is the past and if your wife is faithful to you then what she got up to in her teens/early twenties is immaterial.
As for her wearing lingerie for other men,maybe buy her some and she will wear it for you.
 

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So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.

I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view
 

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Max, before you give up to "get away" from your feelings on this, I think that maybe you should do some Counseling -- they can help you deal with these types of feelings and also you can improve yourself.

I think that you leaving/divorcing will NOT solve your issues -- because i doubt any woman you meet now will NOT have a past, and it will always be that sword that hangs over your head if YOU don't get control of this.
 

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So that's the excuse you want to use to justify the bad choices you've continually made to get where you are and why you want out so bad? Her past?

YOU were 50% of the irresponsibility that led to her getting pregnant. You keep whining about how you were 'forced' to marry too soon and act as though you're an innocent victim who got dragged into this mess against his will, but the truth is, you helped CREATE the mess you're in. And unless a gun was held to your head, then the ONLY one you can blame is yourself.

Own your ****.

You already knew things about her past that you weren't comfortable with - that she'd cheated on her ex, partied a lot, had lots of NSA sex, etc. But apparently, that didn't stop you back then from being involved with her. The more I'm reading, the clearer the picture is becoming. I'm getting the impression you didn't have much (if any) experience with women before you started dating her, and that's why you were willing to accept these things that you suddenly NOW find to be so unappealing. Because back then, you had a woman who was happy to spend time with you and have sex with you and you weren't about to give that up, so you were more than happy to overlook her past.

But now that you want out and see yourself as some kind of innocent victim who was led down the garden path, her past has suddenly become a deal-breaker for you. :rolleyes:

Own your ****.

It's not her past that you can't accept. You're envious and resentful that she got to have a past before you, and you (for whatever reason) didn't really have much of a past before you met her. That's not her fault. But your victim mentality will ensure that you see it as you once again being the victim of the big, bad woman who took away your innocence and your freedom. :rolleyes:

One last piece of advice - own your ****.
 

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You'd be surprised to know how many wild women (who would have been called the S word without reservation or remorse) back in their younger days I know who are now the most faithful and devoted wives.

Once they honed in on one and chose to settle down, they did so with great fidelity and commitment. I don't think it's that uncommon.
Yes, that is the desired outcome and 'hope'.

Life is a crapshoot.





[THM]- The Typist I
 

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I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.
Well Max, let's see.

The woman works a full time job, has given birth to TWO kids and is probably the one doing most of the child-rearing when she's not at work, and I'm also willing to bet she does the majority of the work from the time she gets home each night right up until she finally gets to lay down in bed.

And all the while, you're silently seething on the inside, jealously wondering why she was able to have so much more free time to dress up and be a vixen for all those other guys and poor poor you, you've been given the short end of the stick because she's too damned BUSY helping support the household by working full time, too damned BUSY raising the two kids you both chose to have, too damned BUSY keeping order and cleanliness in your home 24/7, and is likely too damned TIRED to turn into a sex kitten just for you at 10pm every night.

Hey - here's a crazy thought. Maybe THAT'S why she had all the time in the world for those other guys - she wasn't the workhorse for them that she's become with you. But somehow, you've still managed to make yourself the victim here.

Honestly, right now your attitude is completely toxic to your marriage. You're jealous, you're envious, you're resentful, you're angry, you're self-absorbed, you're self-entitled, and you're acting like a 14 year old hormonal teenage boy having a tantrum because he wants so badly to hit the RE-START button.

Personally, I think you'd be doing her a huge favor if you did leave.
 

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Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.

In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.

There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.
 
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