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Candi

3K views 52 replies 13 participants last post by  Prodigal 
#1 · (Edited)
#2 ·
Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. We have been together for 15 years. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. I’m 20 years younger, we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?
How old is he and has he sought medical advise?
 
#3 ·
Have his testrotone checked probably low, and once on if erection issues get him the blue pill or the like. The T will help with desire and the other self explanatory.
 
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#4 ·
Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. We have been together for 15 years. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. I’m 20 years younger, we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?
You mentioned he's 20 years older than you and you've been married 15 years.
That would mean he's over 55 but it's really important to know generally know his age. The advice you'll get may be different for a 55 year old versus a 70 a year old.
 
#6 ·
Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. We have been together for 15 years. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. I’m 20 years younger, we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?
Vegan.:grin2:
 
#8 ·
He’s 61 and yes seen specialist a few times over the years. Had Viagra and alike in the past, had something go wrong, sudden bruising causing it to be bent over 2 years ago, they said nothing they can do. Was offered a pump, it didn’t work for him and this year offered some injection thing at low dose it didn’t work. He wouldn’t bother Persevering or asking if he can try a higher dose. I’ve tried everything I can, I flirt, try it on. Lost weight, started running, had a tummy tuck and really made an effort but nothing. It’s sad, as we are a family and the kids love Dad but I’m really struggling getting no attention at all off him. I’ve talked until I’ve cried and he says he understands but he does nothing. I feel like my life is over.
Would he and you be open to him pleasing you sexually even if he can't get an erection?
 
#11 ·
😂 Not had sex in maybe 18 month....obvs have helped myself a bit but it’s not the same, gets boring!!
I was actually suggesting a lifestyle change for him.

He would have to be motivated however.

I'm about 12 years younger than your husband but recently changed to a vegan diet and, while I wasn't experiencing Ed, the diet almost immediately gave me far more and improved erections.

Just something to consider.

What health problems does he have? What type of shape is he in?
 
#12 ·
Well we’ve tried that and in the past it’s been better then nothing but he avoids it, it must be boring or frustrating trying to please some hungry bird when you can’t get no satisfaction lol
I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately if he's exhausted his medical options, there isn't much else he can do for ED however that doesn't mean you two can't share intimacy. A good sex therapist could help you two come up with alternative ways to get your intimacy needs met but your husband has to want it.

Would he be willing to go see a sex therapist with you?

If he's not willing then there's nothing else to do for it. You have to accept there will be no more sexual intimacy in your relationship with him. You can decide your future based on that knowledge.
 
#14 ·
He first had erection issues going back over 10 years ago. It has nothing to do with me, I am attractive and loving towards him. I wondered if it was hormonal but I don’t know if he had that tested. I’m fed up with him not trying. I said go Harley street see a specialist but he does nothing. He’s given up, he don’t care about me. It’s like a fake relationship from what I see. I can’t tell him to leave because I still care about him and the children love him. I can’t see things improving and I feel like I’m gonna go mad with the frustration. The running has kept me going this year. I have a lovely family, house, car and I’d be financially independent without him but I do love him and I’m sad he doesn’t seam to want me anymore.
The key is him not even trying anymore.

You can't make him put this effort into your marriage.

What you can do is control your actions about it.

You are nearing the top end of what is a sexual peak for most healthy women.

Are you able and willing to be in a sexless marriage from now on?
 
#21 ·
In the back of my mind this thought keeps popping up (no pun intended)
Is he suffering from depression? Could be as a result of low T and all the ED issues.
If I read it correctly, then the bending sounds like Peyronie's disease. Something that does or does not get better. It's a bit of a ****** and can rob a man of his self esteem.
Can I ask, have you told him the things here that you are telling us? Maybe your raw honestly will plant a seed with him.
I know this sounds like it's out of left field but would he consider an open marriage if all else fails? Just a thought.
 
#22 ·
I'd be willing to bet he is also depressed--'tis only human. His inertia may evolve from hopelessness. He likely can feel your frustration and withdrawal.

Is he on anti-depressants--they can cause problems with libido? If his back is the main physical source of his issues a lot can change in 10 years and seeking a medical specialist for this may be helpful. If he felt like there was hope, he'd likely be more amenable to seeking other help like sex therapist. Good luck...
 
#24 ·
Yes he is a bit depressed, has been on antidepressants for a couple of years. He started getting anxiety from nowhere. It has knocked his self esteem we’ve discussed all that. I’ve been overly caring about it all, regardless of how frustrated I’ve been for years. Some may wonder how we got our babies and I can tell you the two middle ones were hand made if you get my meaning. Having the children kept us strong made me happy but now that’s done and he’s lost interest in everything.
I have told him everything I’m saying here, except the going off him part. He would never allow his partner to sleep with someone else, he’d go mad if I suggested it. I realise if someone comes my way and something happens that will be the end of us. I deliberately never go out socialising or drinking without him as I know there’s always temptation and I’d be the one feeling I’m doing wrong. He’d be happy to stay like this forever, he’s too selfish to put me first.
Ok sorry to suggest it. I just sometimes try to think of many angles for answers.
The anti-dep could certainly NOT be working properly or causing these sexual side effects. Rather common I'm afraid.
While a knee-jerk reaction is to call him selfish, let me suggest another viewpoint.
He's depressed and so mired in his own pain that he's not seeing yours.
He's a guy (sorry men) who are sometimes not as aware of all the nuances as we women are. Men can sometimes be less complicated in their perceptions and expectations. Which can be lovely and refreshing, but can sometimes leave us feeling that they are not aware of what we are going through.
Can you go with him to the doctors? Can you take him, make the appointments? Sometimes its just so damned hard to do when you are in the middle of it.
To get a glimpse, watch a video by the Black Dog Institute called I Had A Black Dog: His name was depression on YouTube. Maybe you will see some of this situation in the video.
I'm afraid that my own struggles with depression make me more biased that way in my answers. I"m hoping that someone else can give you another perspective.
 
#28 ·
Thank you for your suggestions, every idea is helpful as I’ve been dealing with this alone and never told a soul. I’ve had depression myself in the past, much worse then he’s going through. So I really do empathise and this is what’s kept me with him. I would have to tell you a lot more about what I put up with for you to get the full picture. I have been doctors with him many many times, this week too. He does have problems but what about when he’s feeling good? Am I supposed to give up on my happiness because he’s given up on his? I need support, I’ve been supporting him for years and he throws it back in my face and there’s no one I can talk to about him.
Hopefully we can help here. But we are no experts. Are you able to go to counselling? Living with someone who is depressed is very hard. You need someone neutral to talk to. Perhaps staying isn't such a good idea if you get a different perspective. Im not sure that you can change him. The only person that you can change is YOU.
How you ask? Find a professional that you can talk to. Keep the exercise going. Yoga, meditation. Dancing. Whatever you like
You need to get yourself in a better place to deal with this.
You say that there is a lot more. Again i say, a counselor for you to work through this.
To answer your question, no. You should not have to give up on your happiness. I also wonder if your children are aware of whats going on, they can sense it. They are actually more aware than we give them credit. They can feel if there is tension.
 
#33 ·
I can't imagine actually having sex with anyone else, i'd have to be drunk, i'd feel too guilty towards him and the children to actually do it. He did say to me last summer to go and get myself a boyfriend, but i don't know if he could actually handle it, think he'd get angry and be hurt. Then knowing me i'd fall in love with someone cus i'm kind of romantic, loving and passion greedy hahaha.
Its good that your conscience wont let you do it, I would be the same and I would be pretty hurt if a man I was with suggested I did that rather than trying to please me himself.
To be honest this can be one of the issues of marrying a man who is in effect old enough to be your dad. We are both in our 60's and its very different from being in your early 40's physically and emotionally.
 
#35 ·
Thank you. Yes I feel I do need a counsellor but I don't want to talk to our GP about this, its so personal. I told him to search out support groups online a couple of years ago, he may even have been here lol. I have been counselling him for years, we are friends and to the children we are a normal happy family. I work hard to keep a happy family. I cry myself to sleep sometimes but it's my problem, my frustration and I know I should have thought about this before having children with him. You honestly can not imagine the pain of a sexless marriage until you've been in one for years. I don't know what I can do to ease my frustration, went running this afternoon and then for a sauna, but i'm continuously sexually frustrated.
I can and I do. Try 20 years.
Many people have been in sexless marriages for a lot longer than yourself. So you are sadly in good company
 
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