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In the back of my mind this thought keeps popping up (no pun intended)
Is he suffering from depression? Could be as a result of low T and all the ED issues.
If I read it correctly, then the bending sounds like Peyronie's disease. Something that does or does not get better. It's a bit of a ****** and can rob a man of his self esteem.
Can I ask, have you told him the things here that you are telling us? Maybe your raw honestly will plant a seed with him.
I know this sounds like it's out of left field but would he consider an open marriage if all else fails? Just a thought.
 

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I'd be willing to bet he is also depressed--'tis only human. His inertia may evolve from hopelessness. He likely can feel your frustration and withdrawal.

Is he on anti-depressants--they can cause problems with libido? If his back is the main physical source of his issues a lot can change in 10 years and seeking a medical specialist for this may be helpful. If he felt like there was hope, he'd likely be more amenable to seeking other help like sex therapist. Good luck...
 

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Yes he is a bit depressed, has been on antidepressants for a couple of years. He started getting anxiety from nowhere. It has knocked his self esteem we’ve discussed all that. I’ve been overly caring about it all, regardless of how frustrated I’ve been for years. Some may wonder how we got our babies and I can tell you the two middle ones were hand made if you get my meaning. Having the children kept us strong made me happy but now that’s done and he’s lost interest in everything.
I have told him everything I’m saying here, except the going off him part. He would never allow his partner to sleep with someone else, he’d go mad if I suggested it. I realise if someone comes my way and something happens that will be the end of us. I deliberately never go out socialising or drinking without him as I know there’s always temptation and I’d be the one feeling I’m doing wrong. He’d be happy to stay like this forever, he’s too selfish to put me first.
Ok sorry to suggest it. I just sometimes try to think of many angles for answers.
The anti-dep could certainly NOT be working properly or causing these sexual side effects. Rather common I'm afraid.
While a knee-jerk reaction is to call him selfish, let me suggest another viewpoint.
He's depressed and so mired in his own pain that he's not seeing yours.
He's a guy (sorry men) who are sometimes not as aware of all the nuances as we women are. Men can sometimes be less complicated in their perceptions and expectations. Which can be lovely and refreshing, but can sometimes leave us feeling that they are not aware of what we are going through.
Can you go with him to the doctors? Can you take him, make the appointments? Sometimes its just so damned hard to do when you are in the middle of it.
To get a glimpse, watch a video by the Black Dog Institute called I Had A Black Dog: His name was depression on YouTube. Maybe you will see some of this situation in the video.
I'm afraid that my own struggles with depression make me more biased that way in my answers. I"m hoping that someone else can give you another perspective.
 

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I would ask him permission to sleep with other men. You have needs and If he isn’t trying how is that fair for you?
 

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Thank you for your suggestions, every idea is helpful as I’ve been dealing with this alone and never told a soul. I’ve had depression myself in the past, much worse then he’s going through. So I really do empathise and this is what’s kept me with him. I would have to tell you a lot more about what I put up with for you to get the full picture. I have been doctors with him many many times, this week too. He does have problems but what about when he’s feeling good? Am I supposed to give up on my happiness because he’s given up on his? I need support, I’ve been supporting him for years and he throws it back in my face and there’s no one I can talk to about him.
Hopefully we can help here. But we are no experts. Are you able to go to counselling? Living with someone who is depressed is very hard. You need someone neutral to talk to. Perhaps staying isn't such a good idea if you get a different perspective. Im not sure that you can change him. The only person that you can change is YOU.
How you ask? Find a professional that you can talk to. Keep the exercise going. Yoga, meditation. Dancing. Whatever you like
You need to get yourself in a better place to deal with this.
You say that there is a lot more. Again i say, a counselor for you to work through this.
To answer your question, no. You should not have to give up on your happiness. I also wonder if your children are aware of whats going on, they can sense it. They are actually more aware than we give them credit. They can feel if there is tension.
 

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Did I see correctly on another thread that your husband has often been messaging other women?
If this is the case, why are you still there?
 

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I can't imagine actually having sex with anyone else, i'd have to be drunk, i'd feel too guilty towards him and the children to actually do it. He did say to me last summer to go and get myself a boyfriend, but i don't know if he could actually handle it, think he'd get angry and be hurt. Then knowing me i'd fall in love with someone cus i'm kind of romantic, loving and passion greedy hahaha.
Its good that your conscience wont let you do it, I would be the same and I would be pretty hurt if a man I was with suggested I did that rather than trying to please me himself.
To be honest this can be one of the issues of marrying a man who is in effect old enough to be your dad. We are both in our 60's and its very different from being in your early 40's physically and emotionally.
 

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Thank you. Yes I feel I do need a counsellor but I don't want to talk to our GP about this, its so personal. I told him to search out support groups online a couple of years ago, he may even have been here lol. I have been counselling him for years, we are friends and to the children we are a normal happy family. I work hard to keep a happy family. I cry myself to sleep sometimes but it's my problem, my frustration and I know I should have thought about this before having children with him. You honestly can not imagine the pain of a sexless marriage until you've been in one for years. I don't know what I can do to ease my frustration, went running this afternoon and then for a sauna, but i'm continuously sexually frustrated.
I can and I do. Try 20 years.
Many people have been in sexless marriages for a lot longer than yourself. So you are sadly in good company
 

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So, i bet this is SERIOUSLY messing with his head and is making him think about his aging and the fact he has a hot younger wife. However, he still had fingers and a tongue (sorry not trying to be crude here) and he needs to realize that you have needs. He can still provide most of what you need (i hope ALL of what you need). A fling outside the marriage, no matter WHAT he says is NOT going to solve this and make your marriage solid. You both need to work through this with a counselor.
 

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Get the book "Divorce Busting", read it.

Pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment. You need to shake things up 'cause right now he's stuck in a place where he is very comfortable, so he does not really understand how serious this all is. After all, if it's all ok for him, what's our problem? :)
 

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EleGirl what do you mean by shake things up? We have spoke and he has agreed to make some changes with himself to try and improve things. But it's kind of like I've heard it all before. We've made a plan but i don't have a clue how serious he is. I am afraid to write on here incase he can read it all. It would be so obvious it is me.
Ask admin to move it to the Private Members Forum (30 posts required I think)
 
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