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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I need to give a breif history for you to understand. We have been married 17 years now. It all started when i was working a lot, not giving her much emotional support, feeling stressed, and not getting emotionally from her what i needed as well. One night we were going out together and she comes upstairs all decked out, not her usually dress code, and at the last minute tells me that she is going over her friends house and will meet me out later. Well, a little after midnight comes around and she finally gets home. She said that she was out with freinds having drinks and had to take "greg" home b/c he was not feeling well. "What time was that i asked?" She said "around 10." "So where have you been?" I got all different excuses even "i forgot to turn my watch ahead for DST." We argued for almost an hour and then she wanted to have sex. Which blew my mind b/c if she is pissed or in a bad mood, forget it! not happening tonight...
She seemed into it that night. I dismissed it for a while but got to thinking about this guy and remember my wife telling me one night that she had an attraction for him. And she needed to be careful around him. He pushed all the right buttons for her. Well, i noticed the continuing in the sexy dressing, change of hair styles, coloring of the hair, going out with the friends more. Especially thursday and saturday eve. Then about 4 weeks after the initial incident i over hear her talking to her girlfriend saying that "she has been lying to me(the husband) for over a year now and i hate it" "i look him in the eye and have to lie" And the killer was when i heard her say " i was really nervous meeting Greg's girl friend last night" WTF... i guess this was going on for a while and I just did not see it. There was a huge fight, she slept over Greg's house that night and returned the next day saying she wanted to make things work. She stopped seeing him and wierdly enough, her best friend that was also a mutual friend of this guy for 9 months. no contact whatsoever that i could see. Then my wife and her girl friend started getting together again and hangning out. After probing and trying to communicate, she flat out denied having an affair on several occasions. But just the other week during a meltdown she admitted she was in love with him. I think she still is. Sex has never been the same since catching her and I always have to initiate it. she never does nor does she ever seem in the mood for it. Because i know how to work her, i can make her horny, but i would like to have some reciprocity here also. She also said she disconnected from me earlier before that relaionship. I think she disconnected years before, now looking back. Needless to say, I emotionally disconnected from her after that and had a couple of affairs that were stickly sexual and i think even anger provoked. I am not happy with those decisions and 2 wrongs don't make it right. I am now just as guilty as she is. She still says she loves me, i have a hard time saying it to her. It seems she can act and go through the motion, like making love, and make you belive its all true. She is a good actress. I feel like there is no marriage, no trust and no emotional connection to her. I thought in a marriage you could talk about everything, your desires, fantasy's, your fears, and even your weakness. How come most women have this "girls code" thing and they will always keep things from their husbands? She never tells me the whole story on many things. especially if she is out with her girl friends. And by the way are single.... I am emotionally seperated, and depressed but care for her and our kids. we Both agree that this marriage is not what it should be. But i don't think I am in love with her anymore. I often find myself thinking of what it would be like to be with someone else. Someone that i could connect better with emotionally, sexually and intellectually. she is a nice person and not malicious. She married young and someone said she might have needed to get it out of her system. Well, that does not do me any good now does it? What are these emotional affairs I keep reading about here? I thought because a women is emotional, that is what they needed to have sex. How can they be in love with another guy and not have sex? I know the way she was with me in the beginning, and that's why i suspect she had a sexual affair. But she denies it. Probably that girls code thing. Help?? What would be your opinon on all of this? And should i go with my gut feeling?
 

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You two are singles living in the same house. The only reason she tells you she loves is because it gives her security. And she does not want to have to deal with the guilt of starting the breakup of you marriage. She wants to party. You want to be with someone to love. Move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Is she in love with me or someone else ???

Yes i agree about the security part of it and the guilt of not wanting to be the one to break it first. But why just cut things off so quick with him and her girl friend when caught?

Also, do you think she had a physical affair based upon what happened? All the quirky stories, lies, sex afterwards, nervous meeting his girl, ect..
 

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She is in love with him emotionally and physically. She is in love with you for security and stability of the family. And to make her not feel like a home wrecking ****. Dump her. She is a mess JMHO
 

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Emotional affairs are quite common. They generally start when one spouse finds their mate is not providing a specific need for them. Generally it is respect or some emotional support need. TOM/W supplies that and the spouse becomes enamored with the attention and an emotional bound forms. It is very real and doesn’t necessarily require a sexual relationship. You wife was/is very much in an EA. For her to let go of him will likely take time even if they are out of contact. Did she have sex with him, I don’t have enough here to make a guess. As for the sex after her “date” I would guess two scenarios. One, she wanted to have sex with you out of guilt that she was spending time alone with Greg. Second, she was fresh out of personal contact with him and fantasized about him while having sex with you. I’m sorry that option must sting. I will disagree with IFTD here. You at this point are having trouble understanding your feelings for her and until you do you should not leave the marriage. She likely stays in the marriage for the same reasons you do. Security, sense of duty and loyalty to your children. Just because you failed to meet her emotional needs in the past does not mean you can’t in the future. If she had truly ended all contact with him your marriage has a chance to recover but you must both make changes to have this happen. The two of you need to have a frank and calm discussion as to what each of you need and want in the relationship. As far advanced as your problems are I would suggest counseling as a couple. Good luck, this can get better for your both.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you. WE have been to counselors. She did agree to work on some things. However, after 2 or has it been 3 years, she has not been able to change much. After pondering this myself, I think it comes down to personality at this point. Her love for me and my love for her is not what it use to be. MY expectations have been extremely disapointed and I am sure likewise for her. So, does it come down to a compatibility issue? just how compatible are we? Did we get married for the wrong reasons? The only thing i lool forward to is sex. And even that is not that great. But it is a stress reliever for me. She has alway been good about not holding out on sex. Which reading some other posts, you all have some measurement of how the marriage is based on sex. However, my wife will have sex very quickly if she is emotionally attached. That's why i asked about this with the other guy. Even when we were dating i refused her for a couple of months. I could have gotten laid on the second date:). But I just did not think that way. I wanted to respect her at the time. Now i find myself not respecting her. And i am sure that is felt. even though i don't mean it. The problem with nice people is .... what the hell is wrong with us???? oh.. i have something called a conscious... Who put that there. can't i just loose it for a while?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
So many thoughts going through my head. Another person said i should confront her and ask her if she is still in love with him. and if she is, then give her the choice of me or him. The only problem i have with that is she can say whatever she wants to keep peace. Like Amplexor stated she is comfortable and content with not rocking the family boat. she can still go out with friends, and have her family. And I did think about why she would want sex after being out that 1st night, and had the same thought as Amplexor. And i am sure she has fantasized about him many times while F*** me. Not that i don't object to fantasies, but be honest and let it be a healthy one you both can participate in. Maybe she cut off contact because she knows the next time could lead to the next step. who knows. Is there anyway to get the truth out of her? What would prevent her from being completely honest? Isn't that how we both can free our minds from any and all this S**T?
 

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Whether this is an EA or a PA for our marriage to have any chance she will have to end contact with him. When you confronted her about her phone call and the lies, did she confess what she had been lying about? What was her take on her relationship with Greg? If you do lay down the ultimatum how comfortable are you that she can be trusted that it’s over?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Also, i am open to more thoughts or suggestions from others that have insight. This is a great forum. It's nice to talk and get everything off my chest and hopefully make an educated decision.:D
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Re: Can you tell me if she is in love??? UPDATE

UPDATE. As Amplexor suggested to have a calm discussion.

I asked questions re: are you still in love with him? her response was "I was in love with those qualities that i was not getting from you" She felt she has been missing the attention and smoozing for many years and with the stress of moving, jobs, family ect. she needed an outlet and it was nice to get some good attention and not negative attention i was giving her. She said she realizes now that he did not have any responsibilities therefore that was why he could give time and attention to her.
I then asked some questions re: sex with him, why were you nervous meeting his girl friend and why did you want sex with me after fighting that night you came home from being out with him?" And she said that I over analyze everthing. But then i asked one more, " but you told me that the way to your heart and sex, is I all i need to do is smooze and give some good attention and that is a real turn on for you. That is what makes you want to have sex. Her response was "yes but with you not others." Then the conversation was over.... for now. Typical conversation for her. however, i did metion during the talk that I did not care if she had sex with him, i can get over that but the fact that she is lying about so much is what hurts. She did not say anything.
 

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WRC,

Time to fish or cut bait. I guess you get something out of the pain you cause each other. What, I don't know. What ever you had appears to be dead. Time to kick her to the curb.
 

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women R complicated-

I think you need to change the focus.

If you look at the #1 thing that causes women to have affairs, then perhaps if you feel your past actions fit the bill, you can work on yourself.

From what I have learned, what makes women shut down emotional and sexually, and also leads to affairs, is a build up of resentment. If you can cast your mind back over the entire marriage, there will have probably been a few long running issues, that she often mentioned but you did not feel important at the time.

I was very hard on my wife when the kids were younger, and it slowly poisoned our relationship. I was a very black and white person in those days. When I started to lighten up, things got a lot better. Our relationship is very good now, but every now and then I remember something I did or said in the distant past, and I make a point of bringing it up and apologising.

I also occasionally bring up things she did that upset me - but that does not always go down so well :D So don't even think of doing this until she loves you to bits.

By saying sorry out of the blue for something long ago, if it is done right, a real sense of remorse can be conveyed to the benefit of all.

It is vital to tell her and show her you love her. If you have a problem with vocalised and demonstrating this, you must fix this as a priority.

So to sum up, working on yourself is the fastest way to "work" on her :)

My thread has some tips on vocalising:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/28353-post16.html
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Mark Twain,
I can understand your reasoning. In fact. when i look back i do see times when my actions have been less than nice or appropriate. However, this is around the same time that I started losing respect for her due to expectations that were not being fulfilled. kind of like a contract that you both signed and one party breaks their end of the deal. That is what i see looking back. She did not keep her end of the deal here in this journey, which made me withdraw, then in turn most likely caused her to withdraw. And now look what we have.

I read your post on the sex and romance.
I agree, the first year of marriage, she was like a nymph. everyday she wanted it. I was still in school trying to study and here she is shaking the booty. then once the baby and work came, then it all became a reality check for her. now she is too tired.

thanks for the reply.

still not sure if i am staying in the relationship but at least when i make a decision, i know i have thought of all angles.
 

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Re: Can you tell me if she is in love??? UPDATE

i did metion during the talk that I did not care if she had sex with him, i can get over that but the fact that she is lying about so much is what hurts. She did not say anything.
wRc

Of course you care that she may have had sex with him. It hurts like hell and she needs to understand that. If she feels you don’t care it sends the wrong signal that what she may have done is ok or give her a green light to do it. Yes, make her understand the lying hurts but don’t minimalize your feelings about staying true to your spouse.
 

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Didn't you have two affairs first? Sure, two wrongs don't make a right, but the way you're talking, it's as if you are indignant that she broke that trust and those vows when you haven't. But you have. Remember that.

I don't think you have much to work with here because she's obviously not being open with you and she's clearly a very, very good liar. It's hard to get back to trust when there's no communication going on.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
wow. mslady, She is a good liar? do you really think so? Living with someone for many years causes us to become numb and or blind to some things. So how good a liar is she based upon this thread?
I think you may be right.
I am pretty clear cut and dry when it comes to conversation and you know where i stand at the end of it. but her, I sometimes still don't know where she's coming from. like several folks stated earlier, she may be staying for the security and guilt. and maybe the sex.:lol: toot toot..
i have not had any more sexual encounters and I don' believe she has either.
I am not indignant toward this or her. I have not told her either but if it ever became a question, i would tell her. Like i said. i can forgive and move on but there needs to be mutual agreement and a plan on how we are going to get there. you just can ignore and hope it will go away. And that's what worries me. she has always been the one to close the eyes, bury the head in the sand and hope it goes away. or ignore it long enough and it will go away.
 
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