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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When you are no longer sexually attracted to a partner, is it merely because of greater issues that, once addressed, will allow you to regain that attraction? Have you found that it *does* come back? If so, how do you get there?

What if the lack of attraction borders on aversion?
 

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When you are no longer sexually attracted to a partner, is it merely because of greater issues that, once addressed, will allow you to regain that attraction? Have you found that it *does* come back? If so, how do you get there?

What if the lack of attraction borders on aversion?
Yes you can get it back if both of you do the things that are needed to rebuild the connection.

Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. They can show you how to do this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Vague questions get a vague answer. It depends. Give more details and ill try again. :)
It was more a general question. I just wondered, when it gets to the point that you are no longer sexually attracted to a partner, or even repulsed by the idea of of sex, is the relationship too far gone to save?

I see a couple of affirmatives.
 

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It was more a general question. I just wondered, when it gets to the point that you are no longer sexually attracted to a partner, or even repulsed by the idea of of sex, is the relationship too far gone to save?

I see a couple of affirmatives.
Hi

I often do have a conflicted feeling towards this myself.

I cannot say, I need to rip my husband's shirt off after 7 years of being together. Keeping Love and sexual attraction going is probably the hardest. I think this gets far more complex in a long-term marriage. I'm just trying to be honest.

1) I did discover that my h was playing the field + long-term Mistress of 3 whole years. (He obviously found someone attractive to experiment over such a long time + PA with one off OWs + long-term EA) This had stopped but who knows.. he would be tempted again.
2) Complete lack of "newness"; "same old" perhaps on both to himself and to myself. Everything is predictable. Re-connecting post-A may lead to sudden interest to each other but this may well be temporary.

I'm not repulsed by him sexually at all (he's a good looking guy) but I am not over-excited by him for the above reasons.
I have no plans to leave him or have any A.
 

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When you are no longer sexually attracted to a partner, is it merely because of greater issues that, once addressed, will allow you to regain that attraction? Have you found that it *does* come back? If so, how do you get there?

What if the lack of attraction borders on aversion?
If you find out, can you let my wife know? :(
 

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IMO sexual attraction in it's pure form is less about a decision and more about the brain's response to stimulus from the senses. I believe we can only remove ourselves from the object of our attraction. The brain then will start to react rationally and show us the reasons that person is not the best person to be in a relationship with.

I believe, if we change the behaviors which cause the rational mind to feel aversion, we then can allow ourselves to openly express those feelings of sexual attraction toward the original object.

The questions this brings up for me are these:

Once we change ourselves, will we want to let our own rational mind take over or will we allow our natural responses do the thinking?
 

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Maybe, maybe not. I think a lot depends on your perspective on everything. Are you one of those people that finds all the negative things or all the positive things to focus on?

Being the person that finds the good in everything will go a long way to finding that attraction to your partner. It is easy to get into a negative rut, focus on the worry, stress, annoying habits and such. Changing that focus to the things that feel good can be a challenge but it will improve all kinds of areas of your life.
 

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My perspective is that it is impossible to be attracted to someone who is a source of disappointment and pain. Two weeks ago I would have described my husband as fat, lazy and boring. Today, I describe him as strong, determined, and loyal. Which guy do you think attracts me?

I don't believe spouses are as superficial as someone in the dating scene. Losing the attraction toward a spouse has more to do with losing the connection, than any physical change. How could any man be attracted to a woman whose body is scared? How could any woman be attracted to someone fat? It's all about the connection and feeling the love.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for the information and thoughtful responses. It would seem that, for the most part, attraction is lost because of deeper issues within the relationship. My take from that is that it *can* be regained if the issues are addressed and dealt with.
 
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