I had a professor in grad school. He is from India. They have arraigned marriages. The professor's brother is an M.D. and he said in their culture you don't marry for love, but you learn to love your wife. What is love? Is it that teenage eye fluttering, heart pounding, thing or is it more?

 

You need to read Fisher...

Helen Fisher: The brain in love - YouTube

Watch that 16 min video...

Emotional attachment comes in three flavors

Lust
Infatuation
Long Term Commitment

She covers all three in detail... infidelity is not discussed much, but after watching you can easily understand exactly what is happening in the brain when an affair starts up.

It is very easy to feel infatuation for one person while feeling a long term commitment for another.. all three are forms of "love".. they are just different, some last a long time, others last only a night...

 

No.

 

I think it depends on the couple and the circumstances.

In my case, the answer was no. But that does not mean that it is impossible. Just wasn't possible for me.

 

I suppose you could, if you still had feelings for that person and were willing to be vulnerable. I think the risk is too great that the reason for falling out of love will repeat itself.

 

I'm so cynical at the moment I can't find a way to say yes. Possible I suppose.

 

It happened with me and my husband. So, I would say that it depends on the individuals. If it has never happened to you, then the most you can say is that it hasn't happened for you. You can't speak for anyone else. There is a time when I would have agreed with what most of you have said. That was before I fell out of love with my husband, only to fall back in love with a very different kind of man a couple of years later (who just happened to be my husband...... the same man.) The love we share now, far surpasses the love that we shared at any time in the 27 years before our marriage reached the breaking point.

 

Yes, you certainly can! It happened to me. We had a very toxic communication patern with years of building resentment. Finally I broke the toxic communication which rebuilt trust again. It was then followed up by courting like we did before we married. It worked for us and it could work for some others too as long as the respect for each other isn't completely gone.

 

I agree. Ditto. Pretty much the same deal with me and my partner. Enough of the good stuff was still there that we were able to breathe life back into being in love with each other once we started dealing with all the bad, destructive things that had been at work in our relationship.

I think sometimes people don't realize that it CAN be possible. If enough of the foundation is still there, if you're still connected emotionally, if you do the right things, you can bring it back.

 

I can only speak for myself, but once I fall out of love with a man, that's it. Everything about him starts to annoy me. I barely even can think of my exes without a disgusted feeling in my stomach;. once the spark is gone for me, that is RIP for the relationship; that's why I am very careful to keep the passion alive and avoid routine in my M.
But, I'm glad that other couple here did fall back in love. Kudos !

 

Re: Re: Can you fall back in love once you've fallen out of love?

I can only speak for myself, but once I fall out of love with a man, that's it. Everything about him starts to annoy me. I barely even can think of my exes without a disgusted feeling in my stomach;. once the spark is gone for me, that is RIP for the relationship...
But, I'm glad that other couple here did fall back in love. Kudos !

I am this way as well. A good friend of mine refers to it as my light switch.

 

If you think of marriage or any ltr as a living thing then love is the heart. A heart can stop and a heart can be restarted. Regardless of what the more romantic among us say, love is not unconditional. If the conditions change you can fall out of love. If the conditions change you can fall back in love. Love is a choice. A choice that two people make together. It's not some mystical thing that defies explanation. It's actually simpler than many want to admit. If you both choose to love then there will be love.

 

And not to be confused with lust - lust is not a choice.

 

Re: Re: Can you fall back in love once you've fallen out of love?



Those feelings you speak of are infatuation, not bonded love.

 

I don't believe that level of infatuation can be sustained long term. I do believe that bonded love needs to be constantly nurtured and maintained. Everyone has needs. As long as both parties are actively attempting to fulfill each other's needs then bonded love remains strong. Insofar as the sexual aspect of a relationship goes, that is also a need and if you are actively fulfilling your spouse's needs then that sexual connection should be a natural byproduct. This assumes of course that both parties are desiring to fulfill the needs of the other. When the relationship dynamics get tilted too far one way or the other problems will ensue. Also I think you are confusing infatuation with boredom. You have to keep things interesting in order to cultivate those attraction feelings. But that's not the same as infatuation.

 

I'm finding it very difficult to not fall back in love with my first ex-wife with whom I reunited earlier this year after twenty years of separation. She has really gotten her act together and is a completely different person emotionally and mentally. But she is also still as attractive as she was way back when we were briefly married.

We see each other occasionally whenever she is here in California and we usually spend a weekend together goung out and enjoying eachother's company and also having hot, wall cracking sex. She has expressed a desire to R with me many times, but I have put her off.

Slowly though she is breaking down my defenses. But I'm still very wary of her. I don't know what her lifestyle is really like when she returns home back on the East coast . We text and e-mail each other daily, and she claims she only dates men occasionally. But of course, I have to take her word for it. It could all be lies and she could still be a permiscuous wh0re like she always was. But I don't think so. That lifestyle tends to wear a person down and manifest itself in their appearance and health. She looks healthy and vibrant and happy, so I don't think she's passing it out for free like she used to when we were married.

But when we are having sex or enjoying romantic moments, it is very hard to keep those old dormant feelings of love and affection at bay.

 

permiscuous wh0re .

You make "permiscuous wh0re" sound like a bad thing...

Yet you reap the benifits they have to offer.

Now back to point.
I think one can fall back in love. And since this is posted in the CWI section then even after infidelity one can reconnect after betraying their spouse.

But the reality is often the one betrayed can never forgive or trust again. A consequences the wayward faces when they risk everything for lust and/or infatuation they have found when reconnecting with an exlover.

Speaking as a betrayed spouse..isn't regret awsome? LOL

 

I believe that there is always a chance to fall "back in love" because if it was love that you were truly in in the first place, it never dies and therefore, there is always a chance of finding love again. I believe that people do not necessarily fall out of love; however they lose the love that they once had. Finding that love again can be the tricky part.