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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've seen lots of threads about bad marriages and sexual infidelity. It seems a lot of times the reasons the partners stray is due to bedroom boredom. I want to avoid this since it's wrong to cheat and it doesn't seem anyone ever ends up happy.

I have a good marriage to a loving, kind man. We never had sexual chemistry but we do have strong affection to one another.

Can one create sexual chemistry in a good marriage?
 

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This is just my .02. I dated LOTS before I got married and in my experience either the chemistry was there at that first kiss or it wasn't. Dated some fabulous men that I really really wanted something long term with but I only 'liked' them they didn't get me all hot and bothered. I tried to manufacture chemistry with a few guys but it didn't work. I had to let them go. :(

Oh and to make matters worse I had chemistry with one guy making out/kissing but the sex was bad. Now in this case I think we could have fixed it since it was more technique than anything. But we had other problems so it was a moot point so I just broke up with him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
This is just my .02. I dated LOTS before I got married and in my experience either the chemistry was there at that first kiss or it wasn't. Dated some fabulous men that I really really wanted something long term with but I only 'liked' them they didn't get me all hot and bothered. I tried to manufacture chemistry with a few guys but it didn't work. I had to let them go. :(

Oh and to make matters worse I had chemistry with one guy making out/kissing but the sex was bad. Now in this case I think we could have fixed it since it was more technique than anything. But we had other problems so it was a moot point so I just broke up with him.
I appreciate your honesty. I think it could be done. I'm just not sure how.
 

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True chemistry is rather rare, hence I'm also not giving up on my wife without a good enough reason and as long as she keeps up what she's been doing recently.

When I think about the idea that most relationships actually even have chemistry, my wife is only one of two women who I actually really clicked with and I've met tons of women in my youth. So either they are all full of sh-t, and that chemistry is as rare as I've been finding it, or I'm just too complicated to find a match easy compared to everyone else. Due to the lack of options, I'm finding the idea of "being ready to move on if things don't work out" getting harder and harder.

Starting to appreciate that my wife feels the same way towards me as well, I just hope we can continue this and move back together soon. I am also unsure of whether one can really create chemistry. You CAN work on transparency and search for hidden sparks I guess but... come to think of it, I have no idea.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
True chemistry is rather rare, hence I'm also not giving up on my wife without a good enough reason and as long as she keeps up what she's been doing recently.

When I think about the idea that most relationships actually even have chemistry, my wife is only one of two women who I actually really clicked with and I've met tons of women in my youth. So either they are all full of sh-t, and that chemistry is as rare as I've been finding it, or I'm just too complicated to find a match easy compared to everyone else. Due to the lack of options, I'm finding the idea of "being ready to move on if things don't work out" getting harder and harder.

Starting to appreciate that my wife feels the same way towards me as well, I just hope we can continue this and move back together soon. I am also unsure of whether one can really create chemistry. You CAN work on transparency and search for hidden sparks I guess but... come to think of it, I have no idea.
How hard can it be? Maybe chemistry is an illusion created by Hollywood? With divorce rates so high I'm wondering if people are expecting too much out of marriage. I don't know.
 

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In our third and final counselling session. I looked into my XW's eyes and her pupils were dilated. I mentioned that to her and she turned away. She could not look me in the eyes from that point on. I don't think she will ever lose that chemistry. She can only attempt to replace it.

We are all attracted to many different people. We can find it elsewhere. We cannot find that same person or that exact same feeling. I loved my first wife, but not in the same manner as my second. My second wife was the 'one'.

You can be reasonably happy. You can only find one 'true happiness'. Good luck.
 

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Heh I doubt it's an illusion, some people just click (for the most part :p). However it is rather rare to have that strong chemistry I found, and even then it doesn't mean that things will work out. Like my first, and even like my wife but we're hanging on.

Sexual chemistry at least for me doesn't mean just the physical either, which makes it harder, the mental/emotional has to be with it. I'm assuming it's the same for everyone though.

Still, I've heard arranged marriages are very successful, much more then romantic marriages. Which makes me wonder if chemistry can indeed be created.
 

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To begin with, in my opinion, anyone who cheats because their sex life at home is unsatisfactory in only justifying their actions. If you want to go outside the marriage for sex you either get your spouse's permission or you leave.

My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time. You won't have the same feelings after being with someone for a long time that you had when you were first getting to know them. However, you will (if you're in the right relationship) have much deeper feelings and a much stronger bond. The chemistry shouldn't be any less intense...just different. If it's not it indicates that one or both sides in the relationship have allowed it to slide.
 

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We never had sexual chemistry but we do have strong affection to one another.
Not sure it applies to you and I don't mean to put words into your mouth. Sexual chemistry isn't just for the bedroom.

My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time.
All very true, but I'll admit I've had some trouble with that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
To begin with, in my opinion, anyone who cheats because their sex life at home is unsatisfactory in only justifying their actions. If you want to go outside the marriage for sex you either get your spouse's permission or you leave.

My comment on the chemistry is to be aware it changes over time. You won't have the same feelings after being with someone for a long time that you had when you were first getting to know them. However, you will (if you're in the right relationship) have much deeper feelings and a much stronger bond. The chemistry shouldn't be any less intense...just different. If it's not it indicates that one or both sides in the relationship have allowed it to slide.
I agree. But if you read the cheating threads it seems they all start with sexual complaints. I rarely read a thread that a husband starts cheating because his wife failed to remove the stains from his undershirts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Not sure it applies to you and I don't mean to put words into your mouth. Sexual chemistry isn't just for the bedroom.



All very true, but I'll admit I've had some trouble with that.
We find each other attractive. We easily cuddle and hold hands. However, when he tries to kiss me passionately I do pull away. I don't have animalistic urges for him, I never did. We both discussed this about two years ago that our sexual chemistry never seemed to be there but we want to be together.

In the past, the men who turned on were very verbally aggressive in bed. I'm not into the hitting part of BDSM but I get very excited over the psychological part. The dirty talk was so extreme and wild which was combined with a lot of intense eye contact and wrestling. I liked the feeling of danger. However, the danger was real since these men were dangerous, so I knew those relationships couldn't last. At the same time, I can't help what turns me on which is why my fantasies are pretty kinky.

I won't go outside the marriage to get these needs met. If anything I'll buy more vibrators.

LOL
 

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I suppose I did but they were unhealthy relationships. I've never had intense sexual chemistry in a healthy relationship.
Given your past I think you will struggle to find it outside of an unhealthy relationship. You NEED that danger for it to work because it's all you know. That's not the way it is in a healthy relationship. In fact it's the total opposite...it's SAFE. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Given your past I think you will struggle to find it outside of an unhealthy relationship. You NEED that danger for it to work because it's all you know. That's not the way it is in a healthy relationship. In fact it's the total opposite...it's SAFE. :)
You're right, my emotional issues do filter into my sexual world. My major needs are safety but my sexual needs are danger. I really get why men look at porn so much.
 

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That's not why men look at porn. Your situation is completely different. Your childhood has programmed you to connect abuse to sex.

This is what being raised by a psychotic father will do for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
That's not why men look at porn. Your situation is completely different. Your childhood has programmed you to connect abuse to sex.

This is what being raised by a psychotic father will do for you.
You're probably right. He never sexually abused me but his repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare must have something to do with my sexual appetite.

Yuck.
 

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My dad committed emotional incest with me as well as repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare. And yes it absolutely messes you up sexually.

Yuck is right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
My dad committed emotional incest with me as well as repetitive abandonment and psychological warfare. And yes it absolutely messes you up sexually.

Yuck is right.
Actually, I think my dad did too! He would talk to me about such adult issues which didn't make sense, it just made me confused and really depressed. I hated hearing his stupid monotone voice telling me how unhappy he is and how he should have never married my mother. He even told me when I was about 12 that he got my mother pregnant because when the vietnam war was going on he was called down. Since he was a coward and didn't want to go to war he asked what he could do to get out of it. He was told by the recruiter that if he got his wife pregnant he'd probably be excused.

I remember going home and telling my mother this story she was so angry he told me. She said "I wanted you anyway."
 
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