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Hi everyone,
I am a 35years old handsome male, married with two kids to a beautiful woman. Outside the bedroom we go along with each other quite well but unfortunately when it comes to sex our relationship is very depressing. We make sex unfrequently (say maximum 1 per week; I would prefer 3-4 times per week minimum and maybe more times at weekends) and our intercourses are rarely very satisfying...sometimes I am not even able to keep my erection going for more than say a few minutes, because, if I am not very horny, her passive behavior does not excite me very much.
Our problem is that our desires do not seem to be compatible at all, let me better explain: I am among those (few) guys who are aroused by sexually aggressive women who constantly take initiative in bed (unfortunately they are a rare breed!). I am not into any extreme fetish or any sort of pain; in my view sex is about a loving pleasure for both partners. However to be very aroused I need to feel that my woman "uses" my body to get her pleasure, the way she wants it and when she wants it (ideally often!). What we do can vary (I love oral both ways, different positions...) but I need to feel that she (almost) always drives what we do and our ultimate sexual goal as a couple is her full pleasure, which in turn will lead to my immediate pleasure. This should be genuine so role playing or pretending do not really work for me.
On the other side my wife (who grew in a very conservative environment) seems to be aroused if in bed I behave as a typical alpha male, courting her and taking the lead in bed, which is something that is just not in my DNA. In the past my wife even got to believe that I was not very interested in her because of my passive behavior, which is not true of course. Then we have clarified but at this stage we still do not know how we can improve our sexual life. Outside the bed compromises always work but sexually speaking they may not be the best solution.
How can we get out of this catch 22? I would love to share your experiences and suggestions.
Many thanks,
Dado
 

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Have you talked to her about this, by actually explaining that this is something you really want?

I'm in a way a lot like you. I like an agressive woman in bed and happily for me I found a partner who is somewhat agressive (not as agressiveas it seems you'd like, but agressive enough to take charge at times). That said, I know she doesn't want to be the agressor all the time, so I think on average we seem to share that duty. Sometimes I'm the agressor, sometimes she is.

My point is, your wife is someone who likes an alpa male, so you'll have to expect to be the agressor a lot of the time. Especially at the beginning since she doesnt seem comfortable with being the agressor herself. Start with trying to get her to do it once and then pour on the positive feedback. Be honest, no false statements, but be as positive as you can and be sure to tell her how much you liked and appreciated it, and how much you'd appreciate it again.

This will likely take months to change (if not years or possibly never), so don't expect her to start doing this right away. Take your time, be positive, explain how much you like it and want it, and go from there.
 

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I am among those (few) guys who are aroused by sexually aggressive women who constantly take initiative in bed (unfortunately they are a rare breed!). I am not into any extreme fetish or any sort of pain; in my view sex is about a loving pleasure for both partners. However to be very aroused I need to feel that my woman "uses" my body to get her pleasure, the way she wants it and when she wants it (ideally often!).
You have already been on my thread about this... so you know our story.... This is all my husband... he told me not too long ago, he likes a woman to just "USE him for her pleasure"...his words... I just laughed.


What we do can vary (I love oral both ways, different positions...) but I need to feel that she (almost) always drives what we do and our ultimate sexual goal as a couple is her full pleasure, which in turn will lead to my immediate pleasure. This should be genuine so role playing or pretending do not really work for me.
He doesn't care for Role playing either...he can't fake anything, he only wants genuine. He would be a suffering man if I didn't desire him. This I KNOW.

I really wonder what your temperament is - if you are the same as him ~ ever take a test ?

Temperament thread HERE with tests links.

Dado said: On the other side my wife (who grew in a very conservative environment) seems to be aroused if in bed I behave as a typical alpha male, courting her and taking the lead in bed, which is something that is just not in my DNA. In the past my wife even got to believe that I was not very interested in her because of my passive behavior, which is not true of course.
Oh my... in our past.. because my husband was as passive as he was, not the aggressive type coming on to me like a freight train showing me his desire... (and I was still stuck in some repression to yet overcome)....I think I questioned him a little too...it was very subtle though ....since I had other things on my mind, I never took this personal though ...since he always JUMPED when I came on to him....

Did you see the Libido/Lover style tests I had earlier in that thread... have you & the wife ever taken them -to see where you are at ??

Great book here to help understand your Libido types... ...

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life

There are 10 libido types:

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive

Can figure out yours here>>> Identifying your Libido Type

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other... These tests , at the end will tell you which Lover style works best for what your type is....

....I ended up being the Don Juan "the Suave"...and him the "Devoted"...which ironically was a perfect match, even if we are a little backwards !

The Classic Lover
The Exotic Lover
The Suave Lover
The Carnal Lover
The Devoted Lover
The Surprising Lover
The Romantic Lover
The Liberated Lover

Just something you could both do together and learn about each other along the way ...in hopes to pleasing each other more so (and understanding why each is the way they are )... hopefully this can bridge the gap some.
 

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Many thanks Kingsfan and SimplyAmorous.
SimplyAmorous, I certainly remember your story and in terms of sexual preferences the similarities between your husband and me are impressive!!! Can I know why you laughed when he confessed his preferences to you?
I have taken the libido test and have come out as a Reactive/Sensual type. These are the only two types that make sense for me, probably on a 50%-50% split. I am really tempted to buy the book you suggested and share it with my wife. Has your sexual relationship sincerely benefited from it?
I did not finish the other test because in public and especially at work I am very different, quite competitive and assertive. This is the reason why I have always tended to attract more “passive” women, who probably expect me to behave the same in bed. It took me a long time to understand my sexual preferences. When I was younger I was ashamed of myself and tried hard to conform to the traditional model, initiating and taking charge in bed; as a result my sexual life has never been very satisfying. Over time and especially in the last few years, after my marriage, I have finally accepted my preferences and I have been able to discuss this with my wife a few times. Even if she is aware of how I am wired she, as many women, was raised to be the “receiver type” and being also very beautiful and quite traditional she has always adopted a passive attitude waiting for men to approach her and then choosing.
So far I have discovered two ways to make things a bit better: the first consists of venerating my wife (also outside the bed), calling her my Queen, telling her how beautiful her body is, offering to massage her (I should definitely improve in this!), being a gentleman (which I gladly do), etc... These behaviours make her more receptive and confident and put me in a servicing position that I try to replicate also when we make love. However while normally I would enjoy a balanced relationship, in the bedroom I would like her to change gear and really use my body for her pleasure which never happens.
Another one is to make her a bit jealous. She is very possessive and naturally jealous, so when I make a compliment to another woman or when I receive a compliment by another woman in front of her she is a bit pissed off but at the same time I notice that she likes to make clear to me that I am hers and the next time we make sex she acts more aggressively which is great. Often I have to make an effort to provoke her (this is not something that I would normally do). I am lucky that being quite handsome I happen to meet a few admirers, some of which are quite explicit. Something I have never confessed to my wife is that sometimes I end up fantasizing being possessed by some of these women…
It would be great to discover more.
 

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I like my wife to be aggressive and to somewhat "dominate"me in bed,but to me it's not the same if she has to be told to do it,you know what I mean?It just comes off as unnatural.
 

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SimplyAmorous, I certainly remember your story and in terms of sexual preferences the similarities between your husband and me are impressive!!! Can I know why you laughed when he confessed his preferences to you?
Cause I LOVED it [email protected]#$% It was a HAPPY Moment....He is a little odd but he loves
~ this is music to my ears ...and well.. the most important thing.... he desires Me...If sex was a chore, if he thought I was "too much", too aggressive, bothering him... like I had to tone down a part of myself -be more "subtle" -like MANY MEN prefer (especially those Alphas -they want to do the aggressive).... I would be saddened by that. :(

Yes he wants to be Used... but loved too... ...he wants his fireworks in the deal too ! What is strange to me is...HE has a problem giving this back to me - him doing the "taking" for his own pleasure... I got this book to wade through some of the Nice guy in the bedroom... the earlier conditioning.... he fits a lot in there..... Just f*** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (A Guide for Couples)

I have taken the libido test and have come out as a Reactive/Sensual type. These are the only two types that make sense for me, probably on a 50%-50% split.
you are the EXACT SAME as him ! That's cool.

I am really tempted to buy the book you suggested and share it with my wife. Has your sexual relationship sincerely benefited from it?
Yes I would say it did... It helped ME understand myself more ( I am an Erotic / Dependent).......and to understand his mindset on what does it for him.... being a receptive is a great Lover style really....it works nicely with all of them...except "uninterested"! I

In the back of the book...it has many questions to help a couple resolve their libido differences. It was very enlightening FOR ME...even a breakthrough in no longer questioning his desire. For a time I was building this up in my mind -that I simply had to be some kind of "burden" to him... I did NOT like my drive being higher than his at all. This disturbed me.


I wanted him to be an Erotic in the worst way... during this time... but I had to calm my jets... the fact MY DESIRE turned him on - when I got THIS through my THICK skull (cause I also learned during this time his Test levels were on the lower end of normal)... that just made all the difference in the world to me...this is WORKABLE, a blessing even....I LIKED playing Mrs Robinson ~ so what was I complaining about.

I did not finish the other test because in public and especially at work I am very different, quite competitive and assertive. This is the reason why I have always tended to attract more “passive” women, who probably expect me to behave the same in bed.
See, I can't relate my husband to you in this respect at all... He is the SAME on the job as he is ...well in bed..... YOU couldn't pay him to be a Boss, he would rather be in the background somewhere ... he's more the peacemaker type.

Just goes to show no person can be Boxed though ~ I have read that those with A LOT of responsibility at work tend to want to give this up in the bedroom & be controlled. Don't understand it all. :scratchhead:

It took me a long time to understand my sexual preferences. When I was younger I was ashamed of myself and tried hard to conform to the traditional model, initiating and taking charge in bed; as a result my sexual life has never been very satisfying. Over time and especially in the last few years, after my marriage, I have finally accepted my preferences and I have been able to discuss this with my wife a few times.
Just a FEW times... time to open this wide open....ordering that book could be a stepping stone, would she find it interesting - go through it with you?


Even if she is aware of how I am wired she, as many women, was raised to be the “receiver type” and being also very beautiful and quite traditional she has always adopted a passive attitude waiting for men to approach her and then choosing.
I'm a little different, in dating I feel 100% the MEN should be the pursuers (I would never go there- I am old fashioned in this respect - not modern at all)... but once the commitment is flowing, Love is going both ways, that's out the window for me, so long as I know he wants me.... I'll TAKE him.

I was once Repressed & shy about Sex though... even then I initiated, I just wanted the lights out ... Dahhh...I always did what I needed to do - to get "mine".

So far I have discovered two ways to make things a bit better: the first consists of venerating my wife (also outside the bed), calling her my Queen, telling her how beautiful her body is, offering to massage her (I should definitely improve in this!), being a gentleman (which I gladly do), etc... These behaviours make her more receptive and confident and put me in a servicing position that I try to replicate also when we make love. However while normally I would enjoy a balanced relationship, in the bedroom I would like her to change gear and really use my body for her pleasure which never happens.
Yes, anything to make her feel more sexually confident, and get her in a FLIRTY amorous MOOD... You know her best !

Do you feel she is inhibited due to Good Girl Syndrome or this is just more of her nature personality/ temperament (that is harder to change I feel).....

Another one is to make her a bit jealous. She is very possessive and naturally jealous, so when I make a compliment to another woman or when I receive a compliment by another woman in front of her she is a bit pissed off but at the same time I notice that she likes to make clear to me that I am hers and the next time we make sex she acts more aggressively which is great.
A lot of people is against what you are speaking here...but I understand it....have read about this very thing.... I have this book
Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse: Books...here is the review speaking of the role of a little "Jealousy".....

Husbands must turn their wives into mistresses and wives must make their husbands lovers. Jealousy, the strongest of all human emotions, can create erotic desire in the minds of husbands and wives suffering from waning attraction. Extracting the principal ingredients of an affair and transplanting them into marriage is the secret to countering the effects of familiarity and routine.

Yet, can couples flirt with their attraction to strangers and remain completely monogamous? Will jealousy not destroy them in the end? Should wives reveal their fantasies about strangers to their husbands? As Rabbi Boteach explains, married couples need to find the ultimate passion by discovering each other's inability to be completely devoted to the marital bed. Couples must discover how to:

-- Bring the secrecy and danger of an affair into a marriage without either party being unfaithful

-- Bring erotic voyeurism into marriage

-- Have a secret e-mail affair with each other

-- Discover the explosive nature of female sexuality

-- Turn attraction and fantasies about strangers into an electric night of passion with each other

Rabbi Boteach has created yet another revolutionary and controversial, yet profoundly insightful, work exploring the deepest corners of the erotic mind that will no doubt be the most hotly debated and discussed book of the next decade.
Dado said: Often I have to make an effort to provoke her (this is not something that I would normally do). I am lucky that being quite handsome I happen to meet a few admirers, some of which are quite explicit. Something I have never confessed to my wife is that sometimes I end up fantasizing being possessed by some of these women…
It would be great to discover more.
Hmmm yeah.. better watch confessing that one ....you may not live that down ~ In the Dog house you will go.....This might also stunt her confidence -feeling she is not "enough" -play on her mind ...but you know all of this... If & when you bust all this open & she feels she is superwoman in bed - this may be a different story...then she may look upon those fantasies of yours -more as an inviting challenge ...to fulfill them.
 

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From personal experience I have learned that most women will get more aggressive if you are more aggressive. In other words if you crank it up she'll feel the need to crank it up. Not always the case though.

Some like to be dominated.

You'll have to poke around a bit to see what she's into. Who knows. You may be boring her.
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It depends. My spouse claims to want me to be more assertive in bed but my attempts usually falter. Either he rebuffs me or won't tell me explicitly what he likes that seduces him. And once he made fun of me but hopefully you at least know better.

Positive feedback and reinforcement are vital. If there is something you don't like, save it to discuss later.
 

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Cause I LOVED it [email protected]#$% It was a HAPPY Moment....He is a little odd but he loves
~ this is music to my ears ...and well.. the most important thing.... he desires Me...
UAO! I would LOVE if my woman loved it! I guess the moment you expressed your joy your husband was both relieved and excited. There is nothing better than knowing that your lifetime partner loves how you are in bed and is ready to take the lead…

Yes he wants to be Used... but loved too... ...he wants his fireworks in the deal too ! What is strange to me is...HE has a problem giving this back to me - him doing the "taking" for his own pleasure... I got this book to wade through some of the Nice guy in the bedroom... the earlier conditioning.... he fits a lot in there..... Just f*** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (A Guide for Couples)
I am the same, I want to be used but loved too… I can take the pleasure but I need to know that my pleasure satisfies my partner’s deep desire. I have real trouble forcing or even asking her to do something in bed. For instance if she goes oral it is because she loves it and in that case I love it too but I would not ask her if I was not sure about that. The idea of f****** her does not sound that interesting to me, rather I love to be her helpless prey. I can also stay on top (physically I mean), but I have to know that I am there because she is asking me to satisfy her that way… I like to be told what to do (with love please!)

Yes I would say it did... It helped ME understand myself more ( I am an Erotic / Dependent).......and to understand his mindset on what does it for him.... being a receptive is a great Lover style really....it works nicely with all of them...except "uninterested"!
In the back of the book...it has many questions to help a couple resolve their libido differences. It was very enlightening FOR ME...even a breakthrough in no longer questioning his desire. For a time I was building this up in my mind -that I simply had to be some kind of "burden" to him... I did NOT like my drive being higher than his at all. This disturbed me.
I will buy the book asap! Many thanks for this!!!

I wanted him to be an Erotic in the worst way... during this time... but I had to calm my jets... the fact MY DESIRE turned him on - when I got THIS through my THICK skull (cause I also learned during this time his Test levels were on the lower end of normal)... that just made all the difference in the world to me...this is WORKABLE, a blessing even....I LIKED playing Mrs Robinson ~ so what was I complaining about.
Unfortunately for us it will be a bit more complicated because my wife is not like you and I cannot force her to be someone she is not; however I am sure we can improve a lot

Just goes to show no person can be Boxed though ~ I have read that those with A LOT of responsibility at work tend to want to give this up in the bedroom & be controlled. Don't understand it all. :scratchhead:
Yes I do have a lot of responsibilities but I do not think that I belong to that type of people who long to give them up and be controlled in bed. On top of that I have no interest at all in whips, chains and pains…
What drives my sexual desires is much more related to my idea of a relationship. I love to know more and more about my partner, I love to communicate with her and please her, make her feel special (my Queen…) and while in the daily life I cannot “hide” my character because I certainly have one and tend to like a balanced relationship, in the bedroom I fully express these desires. Plus I am amazed by the beauty of the woman’s body which leaves me speechless and willing to surrender. The mental part is the most important though and that is why I have always been attracted by intelligent, inventive, outspoken ( + feminine and loving) women.

Just a FEW times... time to open this wide open....ordering that book could be a stepping stone, would she find it interesting - go through it with you?
I totally agree. You are just great!

Do you feel she is inhibited due to Good Girl Syndrome or this is just more of her nature personality/ temperament (that is harder to change I feel).....
I think it is due to her personality / temperament but there is a part which is quite significant that is due to the education she received. She can certainly overcome that part. The good thing is that she really likes to be spoiled (in a good way) and she can use that side much more in bed, I am sure!
One thing that hurts me is that she finds incredibly difficult to have an orgasm, which is the very reason why I love making love… the woman’s orgasm is really central to me, it makes me feel proud of myself, be a real man. I know she has always been that way but the fact that I do not behave as an alpha male may have a negative effect as well (I have never asked this directly) …

A lot of people is against what you are speaking here...but I understand it....have read about this very thing.... I have this book
Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse: Books...here is the review speaking of the role of a little "Jealousy".....
I loved this phrase: “Husbands must turn their wives into mistresses and wives must make their husbands lovers” but I do not advocate going very far on this route.

Hmmm yeah.. better watch confessing that one ....you may not live that down ~ In the Dog house you will go.....This might also stunt her confidence -feeling she is not "enough" -play on her mind ...but you know all of this... If & when you bust all this open & she feels she is superwoman in bed - this may be a different story...then she may look upon those fantasies of yours -more as an inviting challenge ...to fulfill them.
I know and agree with you. This will stay as a secret. I believe a significant part of my craving depends on the fact that our sexual life is not (YET I hope!) very satisfying.

Thank you!
 

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I have real trouble forcing or even asking her to do something in bed. For instance if she goes oral it is because she loves it and in that case I love it too but I would not ask her if I was not sure about that.
It is interesting to hear from another like this... Mine never pushed or asked me for a BJ in 19 long yrs, but would have died & went to heaven for that.

..... There was another reason though - MY fault... a :slap: comment I made in the past. Talk about putting my foot in my mouth...this was a Doozy.....I told him I thought all penis's were "homely". When I asked him 4 yrs ago - why in the world didn't he try to get me to go there ~ he reminded me of that damn comment saying ..."It was ugly, I wasn't going to ask you to put your mouth on it!!". We can laugh about this now.:rofl: It's like who the heck was THAT crazy woman back then! I sure don't feel that way today!

I guess if anything, this can show.. some of us can majorly change , the cage door opened.....coming out of our sexual shells.... I know I took him by surprise, he never thought he'd see the day. Always a possibility.

Not sure of your ages, but a woman's prime is late 30's -early 40's generally. (whereas a guys is early 20's)... why did God do that [email protected]#$%^& She gets a little more aggressive...due to her hormones spiking... this explains a little of that...

Balance the seesaw.

When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.

Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years.

The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.

The idea of f****** her does not sound that interesting to me, rather I love to be her helpless prey. I can also stay on top (physically I mean), but I have to know that I am there because she is asking me to satisfy her that way… I like to be told what to do (with love please!)
My husband does NOT like that word either, or ever uses it (unless working on a vehicle, lots of those fly)..

Unfortunately for us it will be a bit more complicated because my wife is not like you and I cannot force her to be someone she is not; however I am sure we can improve a lot
It will come down to acceptance of what she is able ... willing to give...and Be for you.. and you too.. on your end... for her... sounds you both will have to push your own boundaries in this ...step up the assertive ALPHA...

I've had to "accept" my husband for NOT being the Creative erotic I so desired... for that wild phase I was going through, so I focused on what I had... but even reading here would trigger some jealousy at times... He also is not much of a dirty flirter in bed... he will respond to mine.... but I am the initiator here also. He is very quiet in bed on his own, he'd be fine with pure silent sex from start to finish.

On top of that I have no interest at all in whips, chains and pains…
What drives my sexual desires is much more related to my idea of a relationship.
He feels the same. No whips chains though we do joke now & then about it.

One thing that hurts me is that she finds incredibly difficult to have an orgasm, which is the very reason why I love making love… the woman’s orgasm is really central to me, it makes me feel proud of myself, be a real man.
Many women feel pressured by this and refer to the man's EGO in needing this........Me personally I don't see it that way, cause I know how my husband is as well... and I LOVE the fact he feels so strongly about this...I would not demean him or say he has an EGO problem... but that's just how I feel about it....

I wonder if your wife feels pressured though?? She likley knows how much this means to you...and her not being able to get there -maybe she feels like a let down??

A thread was started in the Ladies section about this issue, how women fear being honest about their orgasms or not fully opening up to their husbands -about their needs...out of a hard to articulate Fear... and Shame...
 

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It is interesting to hear from another like this... Mine never pushed or asked me for a BJ in 19 long yrs, but would have died & went to heaven for that.
..... There was another reason though - MY fault... a :slap: comment I made in the past. Talk about putting my foot in my mouth...this was a Doozy.....I told him I thought all penis's were "homely". When I asked him 4 yrs ago - why in the world didn't he try to get me to go there ~ he reminded me of that damn comment saying ..."It was ugly, I wasn't going to ask you to put your mouth on it!!". We can laugh about this now.:rofl: It's like who the heck was THAT crazy woman back then! I sure don't feel that way today!
I am amazed by how you (and your husband) have grown sexually. I understand that you have been through ups and downs (which I guess is absolutely normal) but in the end, even with a certain mismatch, you can enjoy a very happy sexual life.
In your previous post you wrote: “the fact MY DESIRE turned him on - when I got THIS through my THICK skull (cause I also learned during this time his Test levels were on the lower end of normal)... that just made all the difference in the world to me...this is WORKABLE, a blessing even....I LIKED playing Mrs Robinson ~ so what was I complaining about.”
If you knew you liked to be the aggressor what was blocking you? I mean why did it take so long to switch to a new dynamic? Did you have to overcome your own education, the general societal conventions? I feel that, even today, many women are brought up thinking that they do not have the right to enjoy themselves, pretend an orgasm from their men even if they would really like to and they end up giving this up. This is very sad.
I guess if anything, this can show.. some of us can majorly change , the cage door opened.....coming out of our sexual shells.... I know I took him by surprise, he never thought he'd see the day. Always a possibility.
Absolutely, you are the living example!
Not sure of your ages, but a woman's prime is late 30's -early 40's generally. (whereas a guys is early 20's)... why did God do that [email protected]#$%^& She gets a little more aggressive...due to her hormones spiking... this explains a little of that...
My wife is 31 , I am 35 so in theory the best years are ahead of us. I feel I need to be the catalyst of her sexual emancipation and empowerment otherwise we may end up like those sexless couples mentioned by Trenton here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/64144-female-shame-men-misunderstanding-when-comes-sex-women-5.html and this may ruin our relationship. I believe the frequency of my fantasies with other women depends on this situation.

He also is not much of a dirty flirter in bed... he will respond to mine.... but I am the initiator here also. He is very quiet in bed on his own, he'd be fine with pure silent sex from start to finish.
Maybe this is something where I am a bit different from your husband; I do like talking before and during it but I would not classify as a dirty flirter. Ideally I would respond to her language, whatever it is. Because my wife is very silent I tend to constantly whisper compliments to her when we make love or say things like “I belong to you” , “I am yours” etc...
Many women feel pressured by this and refer to the man's EGO in needing this........Me personally I don't see it that way, cause I know how my husband is as well... and I LOVE the fact he feels so strongly about this...I would not demean him or say he has an EGO problem... but that's just how I feel about it....
Yes, there is no ego really, it is just a strong desire to please you.
I would be already very very happy if she could orgasm when I go oral but this is a strong taboo for her; I have basically stopped doing that (which is something I would do any time if she liked!) and even thinking about it because she is not very comfortable with the idea of her man doing it, I mean I know from our previous discussions this is not personal.
I wonder if your wife feels pressured though?? She likely knows how much this means to you...and her not being able to get there -maybe she feels like a let down??
I try to avoid the subject most of the times but periodically this issue resurfaces. I am not sure how pressured she feels either; if it is present it is probably something quite subtle. What I know is that when we make love she seems to follow a crescendo till a certain point; then her libido flattens and never grows again. At that point she almost waits for me to come. There seem to be a ceiling that we are not able to break…. My wife does not speak much about what stops her so for me is more difficult to understand. I find depressing that she can think of being satisfied with this for our entire life.
 
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