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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After reading the synopsis, I decided to buy NMMNG for my husband. He was very resistant to reading it and asked me several times if I'd prefer if he was a bad guy instead.

Fast forwarding a bit, I decided to read it myself to learn how to better approach the problem. To my surprise, I identified many of the traits that Nice Guys have in me.

My questions to you are:
Can women be in fact "nice girls"?
Have you encountered any? If so, how to you perceive and deal with them?

Thank you in advance for you time and you input.
 

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After reading the synopsis, I decided to buy NMMNG for my husband. He was very resistant to reading it and asked me several times if I'd prefer if he was a bad guy instead.

Fast forwarding a bit, I decided to read it myself to learn how to better approach the problem. To my surprise, I identified many of the traits that Nice Guys have in me.

My questions to you are:
Can women be in fact "nice girls"?
Have you encountered any? If so, how to you perceive and deal with them?

Thank you in advance for you time and you input.
My wife was a "Nice Girl" in the extreme. She had fantastic qualities, they are why I kept her by my side for over 40 years. But she also had a deeply dark side which eventually brought our marriage down.
 

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Sure they can.

I have a female friend, married, who is about as "nice" as you can get. She takes verbal abuse from her husband, he treats her with disrespect yet the more he does this, the more she tries by doing more for him, working more hours and providing sex for him whenever he wants.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My wife was a "Nice Girl" in the extreme. She had fantastic qualities, they are why I kept her by my side for over 40 years. But she also had a deeply dark side which eventually brought our marriage down.
Interesting! How would you describe that dark side? What made you walk away?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Sure they can.

I have a female friend, married, who is about as "nice" as you can get. She takes verbal abuse from her husband, he treats her with disrespect yet the more he does this, the more she tries by doing more for him, working more hours and providing sex for him whenever he wants.
Do you think that has to do with her early life experiences?
I often see that the genesis for this type of behavior is in their childhood. People develop these mechanisms has a way of coping with whatever is wrong emotionally.
 

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I was the "Nice Girl"....never wanted to rock the boat. That also made me kind of selfish. No anymore. Gladly the affair fixed it. I am still nice, but I also let people know when they are in the wrong. I do not say yes to everything and expect as much as I give.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I was the "Nice Girl"....never wanted to rock the boat. That also made me kind of selfish. No anymore. Gladly the affair fixed it. I am still nice, but I also let people know when they are in the wrong. I do not say yes to everything and expect as much as I give.
I felt similar. Made me completely miserable.
 

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One of my best GF's would be considered a NICE LADY by all... she is helpful, considerate, she gives you her time, praises people... but the dark side to her is this... when you cross her, if she gets upset... the wall goes up...she is "passive aggressive"... when we had a falling out -due to something stupid I said in a moment...in order for her to not throw me away....I needed to confront her & us talk it out -deeply - to move on with our friendship.

She is the type that will seeth inside ....and try to numb herself against any hurt ...the other person blackened in her view from then on...

She will call me & I get to hear how upset she is over something someone did, a family member, etc...but then when she is around them at a future event.... she puts on a pretty face....as to "get along".... Some of these people may feel like she has made up after the fact. But this could not be true at all - she carries it!

It's the same dynamic in No More Mr Nice Guy... They feel their value is to Be nice, so that everyone will like them. But do they really know them? These things have a way of coming back to haunt you -when you are not being your authentic self before others...that includes being assertive....in the face of hurt, standing up for your own needs....and well.. you might need to be a Bi*ch on occasion (not literally)... but stand your own ground......if you feel you are justified in that situation anyway.


This is the equivalent for women >>

Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship:
 

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I do not say yes to everything and expect as much as I give.
This would be a great book for anyone who struggles here >>>

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator --

Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask:

- Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
This book is written by Christian authors... but one does not have to be to enjoy it's message... it is one of my all time favorites.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
One of my best GF's would be considered a NICE LADY by all... she is helpful, considerate, she gives you her time, praises people... but the dark side to her is this... when you cross her, if she gets upset... the wall goes up...she is "passive aggressive"... when we had a falling out -due to something stupid I said in a moment...in order for her to not throw me away....I needed to confront her & us talk it out -deeply - to move on with our friendship.

She is the type that will seeth inside ....and try to numb herself against any hurt ...the other person blackened in her view from then on...

She will call me & I get to hear how upset she is over something someone did, a family member, etc...but then when she is around them at a future event.... she puts on a pretty face....as to "get along".... Some of these people may feel like she has made up after the fact. But this could not be true at all - she carries it!

It's the same dynamic in No More Mr Nice Guy... They feel their value is to Be nice, so that everyone will like them. But do they really know them? These things have a way of coming back to haunt you -when you are not being your authentic self before others...that includes being assertive....in the face of hurt, standing up for your own needs....and well.. you might need to be a Bi*ch on occasion (not literally)... but stand your own ground......if you feel you are justified in that situation anyway.


Here is the handbook for women >>

Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship:

I relate to what you wrote. The way you described your friend, could have also been used to describe me.
Ironically, I did noticed whenever, I put my fake smile on, people just didn't find me desirable at all.When I was my true self,it had the opposite effect. Unfortunately for me, she never staid long :D
I have been making some progress,but some times it is so hard!!

Thank you for the book! Ill look for it :)
 

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I think nice people in general are hard to find, but my wife is a nice wonderful woman. She is so good, pure, good nature there is not an ounce of hate or anger in her. She likes helping others stuff like that and is a very happy caring considerate person. She is not passive aggressive or anything like that, she is one of the few people I've met in my life other than my mother who is genuinely an all around good person. I have seen her when she is angry and at her worst from sadness over say the death of a loved one and i have never seen her spew hate out of her mouth or wish ill intentions on anyone.

Quite odd to me at times how when angry she has never had even close to the thoughts i have had or folk i know have had.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
I think nice people in general are hard to find, but my wife is a nice wonderful woman. She is so good, pure, good nature there is not an ounce of hate or anger in her. She likes helping others stuff like that and is a very happy caring considerate person. She is not passive aggressive or anything like that, she is one of the few people I've met in my life other than my mother who is genuinely an all around good person. I have seen her when she is angry and at her worst from sadness over say the death of a loved one and i have never seen her spew hate out of her mouth or wish ill intentions on anyone.

Quite odd to me at times how when angry she has never had even close to the thoughts i have had or folk i know have had.

I think you are missing the point here. I am not talking about good people, but "nice" like Dr. Glover describes it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think I was too 'nice' with my ex
It's not actually my natural state but I was much younger when I met him and thought keeping the peace was the way to go
I'm far more assertive now :)
Good for you! :) I definitely put up with a lot of crap in the past... I was young and naive.
 

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i think nice people in general are hard to find, but my wife is a nice wonderful woman. She is so good, pure, good nature there is not an ounce of hate or anger in her. She likes helping others stuff like that and is a very happy caring considerate person. She is not passive aggressive or anything like that, she is one of the few people I've met in my life other than my mother who is genuinely a all around good person.
 

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Sure they can.

I have a female friend, married, who is about as "nice" as you can get. She takes verbal abuse from her husband, he treats her with disrespect yet the more he does this, the more she tries by doing more for him, working more hours and providing sex for him whenever he wants.
She sounds like a codependent.
 

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My wife is a "nice girl". However, I value that in her and try not to abuse her niceness. I'm not always successful because I have a dark side but I REALLY try to keep that in check. I like her niceness and try to enjoy it and keep others from abusing that side of her. It's not necessarily a bad thing unless someone is taking advantage.
 
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Interesting! How would you describe that dark side? What made you walk away?
It’s very much as SimplyAmorous describes.

You think you know them and to a certain extent you do. But they keep a lot hidden. They are basically two faced, deceitful in order to keep up a facade of being Nice.

Their Nice Persona, the face of Niceness they put out to the world is one of the most important values for them and one which they’ll never compromise under any circumstances.

For example, my wife came with me to start a new life in a new country even though she didn’t want to. She came because she didn’t want to look “Not Nice” in my eyes and the eyes of other people. Whereas we’d have really appreciated her honesty, not her deceit.

Her deceit was her betrayal. And yet still she couldn’t be up front with me, I only discovered this stuff because she told somebody else.

It’s difficult really to describe. In essence they tell one person one thing and others other things about the same subject, to all the while look like the Nice Person. It seems at times that they are so two faced and deceitful that they quite literally delude themselves to what the actual truth is.

Again I will balance the above that in many ways my wife was a very wonderful person. My family loved her to bits, adored her, there was never an argument anywhere at any time with them. She was an excellent mother and both our sons love and adore her as well.

So it’s by no means all bad. I just wish she’d have been more up front and assertive. Still a man can’t have everything.


I walked away because of her passive aggression. Well I ended up running away, I'd just had enough and it's the only way I could protect myself from her. Fight or fly sort of thing and she's small and I'm big so I ran.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It’s very much as SimplyAmorous describes.

You think you know them and to a certain extent you do. But they keep a lot hidden. They are basically two faced, deceitful in order to keep up a facade of being Nice.

Their Nice Persona, the face of Niceness they put out to the world is one of the most important values for them and one which they’ll never compromise under any circumstances.

For example, my wife came with me to start a new life in a new country even though she didn’t want to. She came because she didn’t want to look “Not Nice” in my eyes and the eyes of other people. Whereas we’d have really appreciated her honesty, not her deceit.

Her deceit was her betrayal. And yet still she couldn’t be up front with me, I only discovered this stuff because she told somebody else.

It’s difficult really to describe. In essence they tell one person one thing and others other things about the same subject, to all the while look like the Nice Person. It seems at times that they are so two faced and deceitful that they quite literally delude themselves to what the actual truth is.

Again I will balance the above that in many ways my wife was a very wonderful person. My family loved her to bits, adored her, there was never an argument anywhere at any time with them. She was an excellent mother and both our sons love and adore her as well.

So it’s by no means all bad. I just wish she’d have been more up front and assertive. Still a man can’t have everything.


I walked away because of her passive aggression. Well I ended up running away, I'd just had enough and it's the only way I could protect myself from her. Fight or fly sort of thing and she's small and I'm big so I ran.

I don't think its deceit per se. I don't believe the dishonesty is intentional. But by not being honest about ourselves and our feelings, we end up being perceived that way. But I understand what you are saying.

I was also, usually, nice... too nice. But when couldn't take it anymore I was the last person you would want to be with. I was passive aggressive and at times, aggressive.
 
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