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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited by Moderator)
We were togheter for almost 3 years. At some point she had to move to another city (for college, she got accepted before we met and couldn't change that decision) and we decided to go long distance.

At some point, something clicked in her. She became less and less engaged. She left me on seen a couple of times. I talked to her, I was so disappointed. She said she is feeling confused about us, and maybe whe should go our separate ways. We talked more some time later, when I went there to stay with her for some time, trying to figure things out.

The conclusion was that after she moved, she realized she doesn't need me and can live without me, so that made her wonder if she even wats the relationship. I explained to her that's not how it works, and that I never needed her. Despite what people say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every day, to be with that person. It's not a need or a desire.

That's just lust. In our past, I ****ed up too. Not the same nature of things, but I did pretty badly. But she always was there. Begging me to stay when I didn't know if I loved here, doing whatever possible to get in touch with me no matter what I did. I didn't understand it then, but she showed me how real it was, what we had. She always had faith in us. That's the person I've fallen in love with, truly. And I did the impossible. I know you say people never change, but I did. For her. And she had to fight a lot, because I really was an idiot. But I did. I will never do those mistakes again.

Because I understand now how much it hurt her, and when I finally saw how much I hurt her, I couldn't live with myself. And I never truly will. So in her confusion, she said for once she wants me to be there how she was when I was confused. But being long distance, talking about this on the phone, was almost impossible. So I let my ego aside, and just told her how I really felt. Everything. What she means to me. She was shocked. She said she didn't know I loved her that much, and she decided we should continue. I basically moved to her place for 6 weeks. We talked about everything, things got better and better and better. It got from I think 2 weeks is to long for you to stay here, to begging me to stay one more week. And one more.

She rememberd what we were, she was just like in day one. And made huge efforts. Texting me every 20 minutes from work to know what she's doing, sending me proof pictures, calling me, we went on dates, went to the gym togheter...everything was going up. But I couldn't shake of this feeling, that she changed so fast in her confusion, seemed like there was something in the middle. Long story short, I kept overthinking, acusing her, she said look in my phone, do whatever you want, you have nothing to find. So I did ad some point. A few times. And every time I looked I kept finding new things. Little lies, having exes I didn't know about on insta, even tho she made another account at some point, talking to some guys in our old breaks, which she never told me, but I told her what I did. So I still felt there's something more. And one night I said I will look once and for all. She went to a festival were there was this guy she was really attracted to, and also met him.

But it checks out, that she never actually met him 1 on 1. Also tried to set him up with her friends. I think she did that to cope with the guilt, and justify to herself that it's ok. But also talking to her friends very badly about me, and saying she might brake it of, as she gets more entertained from these random guys than from me, and I'm boring, just mean things. She met some old guy friends not ever telling me. There was lying everywhere basically. After the weeks before she said that I overthink because I probably have insecurities, and how could I believe she could ever do that. But I showed her final proof now, and I told her, your done. And I left. We talked emotionally trough messages in the morning.

She told me that now, she want to tell me everything because there is nothing to lose anymore and I deserve to know the truth. She didn't do anything with these guys (it checks out, I really digged), but there was this guy, she met at a party. A mutual friend. She vibed with him, and met for coffee after a few days. She said she talked to him about our relationship. About her confusion. After some time, he proposed to go over to her house to smoke something, and she agreed. He at some point tried to kiss her, and touch her.

She said she couldn't do it and stopped him. Told him she was tired and he left. But how could you see me every day for almost 2 months and lie every day with something like this...of course I felt it, we were always so close and deeply connected, you can't hide something like this. But I don't know what to believe about this story, maybe more happened. Maybe it doesn't matter, because even that is too far. I've never been in so much pain in my life. She knows this, and she said she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth. Because if she did, she knew she lost me for good. I think cheating is obviously a deal breaker, but I don't know. I really think I can't we are made for each other.

We are connected sooooo deeply, and she also just put so much effort into this relationship before, but also while lying to me now. That's my dilema, because she didn't tell me why, but she understood what she has and started acting to better herself in this relationship, whitout even telling me why. So she had no obligation to do it. So I feel like she genuinely is ready to change. We are both very young, 21 now, and she has her problems and traumas. I talked to a mutual friend, her best friend, and I agree with what she said.

This is her first real relationship, and she is also a very in the moment person, outgoing and fun oriented, she doesn't actually know values and general boundaries that I consider to be trivial, since I am more mature. I really know we are made for each other. And she also gave me a second change with something extraordinary bad in our relationship. And I did change finally.

But I just don't know what to do. I broke it of, I'm trying to have no contact with her. So she will see what my loss feels like, think about her mistakes and change what has to be changed. But she still texts me every day. Can I ever trust her again? Will she actually change? She is genuinely hurt by what she did. She told me she knows it's 100% her fault, and because she was so stupid, she lost the best thing she ever had in her life, and she can't live with herself for that. But I know she wants me now. I want her too. But how do I know she learned her lesson, if not, how long to let her suffer, and should I even give her a second chance?
 

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We were togheter for almost 3 years. At some point she had to move to another city (for college, she got accepted before we met and couldn't change that decision) and we decided to go long distance. At some point, something clicked in her. She became less and less engaged. She left me on seen a couple of times. I talked to her, I was so disappointed. She said she is feeling confused about us, and maybe whe should go our separate ways. We talked more some time later, when I went there to stay with her for some time, trying to figure things out. The conclusion was that after she moved, she realized she doesn't need me and can live without me, so that made her wonder if she even wats the relationship. I explained to her that's not how it works, and that I never needed her. Despite what people say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every day, to be with that person. It's not a need or a desire. That's just lust. In our past, I ****ed up too. Not the same nature of things, but I did pretty badly. But she always was there. Begging me to stay when I didn't know if I loved here, doing whatever possible to get in touch with me no matter what I did. I didn't understand it then, but she showed me how real it was, what we had. She always had faith in us. That's the person I've fallen in love with, truly. And I did the impossible. I know you say people never change, but I did. For her. And she had to fight a lot, because I really was an idiot. But I did. I will never do those mistakes again. Because I understand now how much it hurt her, and when I finally saw how much I hurt her, I couldn't live with myself. And I never truly will. So in her confusion, she said for once she wants me to be there how she was when I was confused. But being long distance, talking about this on the phone, was almost impossible. So I let my ego aside, and just told her how I really felt. Everything. What she means to me. She was shocked. She said she didn't know I loved her that much, and she decided we should continue. I basically moved to her place for 6 weeks. We talked about everything, things got better and better and better. It got from I think 2 weeks is to long for you to stay here, to begging me to stay one more week. And one more. She rememberd what we were, she was just like in day one. And made huge efforts. Texting me every 20 minutes from work to know what she's doing, sending me proof pictures, calling me, we went on dates, went to the gym togheter...everything was going up. But I couldn't shake of this feeling, that she changed so fast in her confusion, seemed like there was something in the middle. Long story short, I kept overthinking, acusing her, she said look in my phone, do whatever you want, you have nothing to find. So I did ad some point. A few times. And every time I looked I kept finding new things. Little lies, having exes I didn't know about on insta, even tho she made another account at some point, talking to some guys in our old breaks, which she never told me, but I told her what I did. So I still felt there's something more. And one night I said I will look once and for all. She went to a festival were there was this guy she was really attracted to, and also met him. But it checks out, that she never actually met him 1 on 1. Also tried to set him up with her friends. I think she did that to cope with the guilt, and justify to herself that it's ok. But also talking to her friends very badly about me, and saying she might brake it of, as she gets more entertained from these random guys than from me, and I'm boring, just mean things. She met some old guy friends not ever telling me. There was lying everywhere basically. After the weeks before she said that I overthink because I probably have insecurities, and how could I believe she could ever do that. But I showed her final proof now, and I told her, your done. And I left. We talked emotionally trough messages in the morning. She told me that now, she want to tell me everything because there is nothing to lose anymore and I deserve to know the truth. She didn't do anything with these guys (it checks out, I really digged), but there was this guy, she met at a party. A mutual friend. She vibed with him, and met for coffee after a few days. She said she talked to him about our relationship. About her confusion. After some time, he proposed to go over to her house to smoke something, and she agreed. He at some point tried to kiss her, and touch her. She said she couldn't do it and stopped him. Told him she was tired and he left. But how could you see me every day for almost 2 months and lie every day with something like this...of course I felt it, we were always so close and deeply connected, you can't hide something like this. But I don't know what to believe about this story, maybe more happened. Maybe it doesn't matter, because even that is too far. I've never been in so much pain in my life. She knows this, and she said she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth. Because if she did, she knew she lost me for good. I think cheating is obviously a deal breaker, but I don't know. I really think I can't we are made for each other. We are connected sooooo deeply, and she also just put so much effort into this relationship before, but also while lying to me now. That's my dilema, because she didn't tell me why, but she understood what she has and started acting to better herself in this relationship, whitout even telling me why. So she had no obligation to do it. So I feel like she genuinely is ready to change. We are both very young, 21 now, and she has her problems and traumas. I talked to a mutual friend, her best friend, and I agree with what she said. This is her first real relationship, and she is also a very in the moment person, outgoing and fun oriented, she doesn't actually know values and general boundaries that I consider to be trivial, since I am more mature. I really know we are made for each other. And she also gave me a second change with something extraordinary bad in our relationship. And I did change finally. But I just don't know what to do. I broke it of, I'm trying to have no contact with her. So she will see what my loss feels like, think about her mistakes and change what has to be changed. But she still texts me every day. Can I ever trust her again? Will she actually change? She is genuinely hurt by what she did. She told me she knows it's 100% her fault, and because she was so stupid, she lost the best thing she ever had in her life, and she can't live with herself for that. But I know she wants me now. I want her too. But how do I know she learned her lesson, if not, how long to let her suffer, and should I even give her a second chance?
So many mistakes you made. You really have low self esteem and no self-respect.

To answer your underlying question, “no. This relationship is over”. Your gf is a liar and a cheater. Is that the girl you want in your life forever?

“she might be ready to change”… ha. She might not. She might just be a liar and a cheater.

Get some self respect. Dump this one and look for a girl who only has eyes for you. Your gf has eyes for a lot of other men.
 

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You need to gain some self-respect and give yourself the best life you can.
 

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We were togheter for almost 3 years. At some point she had to move to another city (for college, she got accepted before we met and couldn't change that decision) and we decided to go long distance. At some point, something clicked in her. She became less and less engaged. She left me on seen a couple of times. I talked to her, I was so disappointed. She said she is feeling confused about us, and maybe whe should go our separate ways. We talked more some time later, when I went there to stay with her for some time, trying to figure things out. The conclusion was that after she moved, she realized she doesn't need me and can live without me, so that made her wonder if she even wats the relationship. I explained to her that's not how it works, and that I never needed her. Despite what people say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every day, to be with that person. It's not a need or a desire. That's just lust. In our past, I ****ed up too. Not the same nature of things, but I did pretty badly. But she always was there. Begging me to stay when I didn't know if I loved here, doing whatever possible to get in touch with me no matter what I did. I didn't understand it then, but she showed me how real it was, what we had. She always had faith in us. That's the person I've fallen in love with, truly. And I did the impossible. I know you say people never change, but I did. For her. And she had to fight a lot, because I really was an idiot. But I did. I will never do those mistakes again. Because I understand now how much it hurt her, and when I finally saw how much I hurt her, I couldn't live with myself. And I never truly will. So in her confusion, she said for once she wants me to be there how she was when I was confused. But being long distance, talking about this on the phone, was almost impossible. So I let my ego aside, and just told her how I really felt. Everything. What she means to me. She was shocked. She said she didn't know I loved her that much, and she decided we should continue. I basically moved to her place for 6 weeks. We talked about everything, things got better and better and better. It got from I think 2 weeks is to long for you to stay here, to begging me to stay one more week. And one more. She rememberd what we were, she was just like in day one. And made huge efforts. Texting me every 20 minutes from work to know what she's doing, sending me proof pictures, calling me, we went on dates, went to the gym togheter...everything was going up. But I couldn't shake of this feeling, that she changed so fast in her confusion, seemed like there was something in the middle. Long story short, I kept overthinking, acusing her, she said look in my phone, do whatever you want, you have nothing to find. So I did ad some point. A few times. And every time I looked I kept finding new things. Little lies, having exes I didn't know about on insta, even tho she made another account at some point, talking to some guys in our old breaks, which she never told me, but I told her what I did. So I still felt there's something more. And one night I said I will look once and for all. She went to a festival were there was this guy she was really attracted to, and also met him. But it checks out, that she never actually met him 1 on 1. Also tried to set him up with her friends. I think she did that to cope with the guilt, and justify to herself that it's ok. But also talking to her friends very badly about me, and saying she might brake it of, as she gets more entertained from these random guys than from me, and I'm boring, just mean things. She met some old guy friends not ever telling me. There was lying everywhere basically. After the weeks before she said that I overthink because I probably have insecurities, and how could I believe she could ever do that. But I showed her final proof now, and I told her, your done. And I left. We talked emotionally trough messages in the morning. She told me that now, she want to tell me everything because there is nothing to lose anymore and I deserve to know the truth. She didn't do anything with these guys (it checks out, I really digged), but there was this guy, she met at a party. A mutual friend. She vibed with him, and met for coffee after a few days. She said she talked to him about our relationship. About her confusion. After some time, he proposed to go over to her house to smoke something, and she agreed. He at some point tried to kiss her, and touch her. She said she couldn't do it and stopped him. Told him she was tired and he left. But how could you see me every day for almost 2 months and lie every day with something like this...of course I felt it, we were always so close and deeply connected, you can't hide something like this. But I don't know what to believe about this story, maybe more happened. Maybe it doesn't matter, because even that is too far. I've never been in so much pain in my life. She knows this, and she said she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth. Because if she did, she knew she lost me for good. I think cheating is obviously a deal breaker, but I don't know. I really think I can't we are made for each other. We are connected sooooo deeply, and she also just put so much effort into this relationship before, but also while lying to me now. That's my dilema, because she didn't tell me why, but she understood what she has and started acting to better herself in this relationship, whitout even telling me why. So she had no obligation to do it. So I feel like she genuinely is ready to change. We are both very young, 21 now, and she has her problems and traumas. I talked to a mutual friend, her best friend, and I agree with what she said. This is her first real relationship, and she is also a very in the moment person, outgoing and fun oriented, she doesn't actually know values and general boundaries that I consider to be trivial, since I am more mature. I really know we are made for each other. And she also gave me a second change with something extraordinary bad in our relationship. And I did change finally. But I just don't know what to do. I broke it of, I'm trying to have no contact with her. So she will see what my loss feels like, think about her mistakes and change what has to be changed. But she still texts me every day. Can I ever trust her again? Will she actually change? She is genuinely hurt by what she did. She told me she knows it's 100% her fault, and because she was so stupid, she lost the best thing she ever had in her life, and she can't live with herself for that. But I know she wants me now. I want her too. But how do I know she learned her lesson, if not, how long to let her suffer, and should I even give her a second chance?

No.

Let each other go.

You two are incompatible.

She doesn't reciprocate your feelings

You'll never forget or truly forget.

It will always be a constant in your mind.

You'll never trust her again (if you did at all).

You'll never feel secure about the relationship again. (if you ever did)


Also you have low to non existent self love, self esteem, self respect.

Please go to therapy and learn how to love yourself.
 

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You need to do a total reset.
You need to dump this person.
You need to spend the time to work on yourself.
You need to get yourself sorted and develop some self-respect.
Get yourself some counseling and come up with a plan to become the person you want to be.
Then implement it.
After you sort yourself, then you can go out and find someone who wants to be with you for all the right reasons.
In the long run, you will be better off for it.
 

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How long should you let her suffer to make sure she learns her lesson? Seriously? She's not a child, and even with a child you don't use suffering to teach. You seem to have outright cheated and then projected and started policing every little thing she did. She had to send proof of where she was all the time? You got mad at things she did when you weren't even in a relationship together. You're upset about her confiding in her friends about the cheating you've done. You're trying to hurt and punish her. She's not actually into you when it's long distance. You can't argue someone into loving you. And if you feel you can't trust then you need to break up, not start policing everything she does. That's not a good relationship for either of you. Just stop. Stop treating her like a child to be punished and taught, loved but never trusted. Stop insisting that you know better how she feels about you than she herself does. Stop pushing the relationship when you can see that her feelings have changed. Stop frantically trying to turn her refusing a guy's advances and telling him to leave into something worse than your actual cheating. Just stop this whole unhealthy mess.
 

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I couldn’t even read all that but o agree with the others, this is a self esteem and self respect issue on your part.

Wash your hands of her and then start focusing on developing yourself and build a good life for yourself.

Don’t worry about women at all for awhile until you get yourself fixed up and squared away.
 

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There is only hope to repair the relationship if both parties truly want to and work hard at it. Once a relationship is compromised, infidelity of any sort. The ties which bound you as a couple are severed. At certain points to get through another day, it felt I had been erased from sight right along with our relationship. Everything around me was simply a lie, your whole life together became nothing. I truly couldn't tell what was real or made up, what secret life he established without me. You experience so many fazes; confusion, denial, blame yourself, anger, hate. It is a found gateway to hell as it issued a very warm welcoming personally for you is the only way I can explain the feeling. The only thing remembered about a love story was how it began and how it ended. Everything else gets lost in the translation. In one fail swoop I lost my husband, my best friend, our marriage, the place we called home and all the financial security I put forth in the labor of love for over twenty years.

Today, I have taken my life back as my own. I can honestly say, I am a stronger and more determined woman than ever. But I was still there to get my husband the help he needed with porn, webcam sex and dating site addiction. After he spent our retirement and we were totally broke, he wanted to have a life with me again. Not to mention the countless love relationship scammers he was in contact with.

It's been two years since I found out the truth, I don't trust him, I'm not certain we will ever be able to put this behind us. The one thing I can say, is I honored my wedding vows for better or for worse. I put him above myself when he needed me the most. I will cherish our time together even if it comes to an end. I will continue on with my life just as I am and sadly, he will never find someone who loved him the way I did, was loyal and had respect enough to take care of him when most would have kicked his ass to the curb.

No one can determine the questions you asked but yourself. You must make decisions on your own accord. Decide if this relationship is truly worth saving.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quick update. After some days without contact, my feelings got the better of me and I told her I wanted to talk to her face to face. She confessed the cheating to me after I broke up with her, and that was via text, so I wanted to have a last real talk, for closure. Even tho I didn't believe she would do that sacrifice. But she didn't hesitate a second. She took the 3 hour drive in the night, missed both work and her college exam to come talk to me. We sincerely talked for the first time in a long time, and have been honest with ourselves, both the good and the bad. What she did didn't change, but I have a new perspective on everything. Although what you all said is true, and this relationship changed me, ruined my self esteem and self respect, I think I will at least try to be open, for just a while. I understand her now also. I understand I was an idiot, and the way I acted in the past made her question if I was the man she could see herself with in a marriage. She was firstly confused because she thought our love was just a habit, since we spent so much time togheter. Then when she tried to do what she did, even though she stopped it from going any further, it confused her. Because she didn't understand how could she let that happen, if she truly loved me. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't tell me the truth, and I understand that. I don't agree with it, I don't respect it, but I understand it. And even tho she didn't go all the way, it's still cheating. And she acknowledged everything. She takes full responsibility, but couldn't tell me the truth. Because she knew she would lose me. For once, I want to let my ego aside and do what I feel. What she did killed me, and even tho I need to get away from her to heal my pain, not being with her hurts me even more. It's a lose lose situation, but I will take the route that gives me the least amount of pain. I told her that. I told her I will, for a very long time, be on and of about what I want. I will keep being confused. And when I will at some point be 100% sure, I might decide to leave her. She knows this now, but she is fighting no matter what. I asked her for nothing, but this. Do just what you truly feel. No matter of how I will feel. Because we have to be honest, 100%, both in actions and words, and only then we will know if this love is truly worth fighting for. She is quiting her job today, and moving back home, leaving everything behind. Knowing full well that maybe I will still decide to end it. It's obvious she made up her mind and wants to be here. My feelings about us keep changing, but every time I get to the same conclusion. That our love is worth fighting for. And I know it a cliche. But it will never be the same with someone else. Even tho I never fully heal. We are both young, stupid and immature. And nobody's perfect. But it's obvious what she truly wants, and I can't let myself stop her from doing all these things. Only time will tell. It will be a hard road. And I understand the risks. Fully. But I have to be honest with myself about how I feel, and fight for it. At least this time. In order for me to be truly content walking away, in case it all turns to bits. It was wrong of her to hide how she truly feels from me, and go talk about it to other people. She should have just talked to me. I think she understands that now, and knows that was the beginning of the end. She is truly hurt and disgusted by herself, I can physically see it. So maybe she finally matured, or maybe she hasn't. But it's only one way of knowing. And I won't be able to truly be free, if I don't know that answer. I hope you all cand understand where I'm coming from, and try to see it from my view also. I know the logical decision was easy, but feelings are not. And it will be extremely hard, if not impossible. But we will fight for love. And if it's not meant to be, so be it. At least I will be content. I will still focus on myself, until I have an answer. I still have to come back and become the person I was and I want to be. But I want to give this message to everyone reading this. Just like my gut knew what was truly going on, it always what to do also. It's your best mechanism. Never doubt it, always follow it and don't feel sorry for how you feel. If you are in a similar spot, have a real discussion with yourself, and follow you gut. Otherwise you won't be able to live with yourself. And at the end of the day, no matter how much you've known someone's pain, you will never truly understand them. Only they know all the details, and what's best for them. You can't make others take decisions to do even if it's hard and have nowhere to go. It's your life, only you know best. Wish everyone a happy life!
 

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We were togheter for almost 3 years. At some point she had to move to another city (for college, she got accepted before we met and couldn't change that decision) and we decided to go long distance.

At some point, something clicked in her. She became less and less engaged. She left me on seen a couple of times. I talked to her, I was so disappointed. She said she is feeling confused about us, and maybe whe should go our separate ways. We talked more some time later, when I went there to stay with her for some time, trying to figure things out.

The conclusion was that after she moved, she realized she doesn't need me and can live without me, so that made her wonder if she even wats the relationship. I explained to her that's not how it works, and that I never needed her. Despite what people say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every day, to be with that person. It's not a need or a desire.

That's just lust. In our past, I ****ed up too. Not the same nature of things, but I did pretty badly. But she always was there. Begging me to stay when I didn't know if I loved here, doing whatever possible to get in touch with me no matter what I did. I didn't understand it then, but she showed me how real it was, what we had. She always had faith in us. That's the person I've fallen in love with, truly. And I did the impossible. I know you say people never change, but I did. For her. And she had to fight a lot, because I really was an idiot. But I did. I will never do those mistakes again.

Because I understand now how much it hurt her, and when I finally saw how much I hurt her, I couldn't live with myself. And I never truly will. So in her confusion, she said for once she wants me to be there how she was when I was confused. But being long distance, talking about this on the phone, was almost impossible. So I let my ego aside, and just told her how I really felt. Everything. What she means to me. She was shocked. She said she didn't know I loved her that much, and she decided we should continue. I basically moved to her place for 6 weeks. We talked about everything, things got better and better and better. It got from I think 2 weeks is to long for you to stay here, to begging me to stay one more week. And one more.

She rememberd what we were, she was just like in day one. And made huge efforts. Texting me every 20 minutes from work to know what she's doing, sending me proof pictures, calling me, we went on dates, went to the gym togheter...everything was going up. But I couldn't shake of this feeling, that she changed so fast in her confusion, seemed like there was something in the middle. Long story short, I kept overthinking, acusing her, she said look in my phone, do whatever you want, you have nothing to find. So I did ad some point. A few times. And every time I looked I kept finding new things. Little lies, having exes I didn't know about on insta, even tho she made another account at some point, talking to some guys in our old breaks, which she never told me, but I told her what I did. So I still felt there's something more. And one night I said I will look once and for all. She went to a festival were there was this guy she was really attracted to, and also met him.

But it checks out, that she never actually met him 1 on 1. Also tried to set him up with her friends. I think she did that to cope with the guilt, and justify to herself that it's ok. But also talking to her friends very badly about me, and saying she might brake it of, as she gets more entertained from these random guys than from me, and I'm boring, just mean things. She met some old guy friends not ever telling me. There was lying everywhere basically. After the weeks before she said that I overthink because I probably have insecurities, and how could I believe she could ever do that. But I showed her final proof now, and I told her, your done. And I left. We talked emotionally trough messages in the morning.

She told me that now, she want to tell me everything because there is nothing to lose anymore and I deserve to know the truth. She didn't do anything with these guys (it checks out, I really digged), but there was this guy, she met at a party. A mutual friend. She vibed with him, and met for coffee after a few days. She said she talked to him about our relationship. About her confusion. After some time, he proposed to go over to her house to smoke something, and she agreed. He at some point tried to kiss her, and touch her.

She said she couldn't do it and stopped him. Told him she was tired and he left. But how could you see me every day for almost 2 months and lie every day with something like this...of course I felt it, we were always so close and deeply connected, you can't hide something like this. But I don't know what to believe about this story, maybe more happened. Maybe it doesn't matter, because even that is too far. I've never been in so much pain in my life. She knows this, and she said she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth. Because if she did, she knew she lost me for good. I think cheating is obviously a deal breaker, but I don't know. I really think I can't we are made for each other.

We are connected sooooo deeply, and she also just put so much effort into this relationship before, but also while lying to me now. That's my dilema, because she didn't tell me why, but she understood what she has and started acting to better herself in this relationship, whitout even telling me why. So she had no obligation to do it. So I feel like she genuinely is ready to change. We are both very young, 21 now, and she has her problems and traumas. I talked to a mutual friend, her best friend, and I agree with what she said.

This is her first real relationship, and she is also a very in the moment person, outgoing and fun oriented, she doesn't actually know values and general boundaries that I consider to be trivial, since I am more mature. I really know we are made for each other. And she also gave me a second change with something extraordinary bad in our relationship. And I did change finally.

But I just don't know what to do. I broke it of, I'm trying to have no contact with her. So she will see what my loss feels like, think about her mistakes and change what has to be changed. But she still texts me every day. Can I ever trust her again? Will she actually change? She is genuinely hurt by what she did. She told me she knows it's 100% her fault, and because she was so stupid, she lost the best thing she ever had in her life, and she can't live with herself for that. But I know she wants me now. I want her too. But how do I know she learned her lesson, if not, how long to let her suffer, and should I even give her a second chance?

It's over. You could be a fool and try to hold on or accept reality and just move on. This girl will only get worse with time. Save yourself the wasted youth and find a new love.

Listen, women want men to like them and especially when they are young they will flat out lie if they think it'll make people like them. At the same time she is doing everything else she wants. Her lying because she wants you to like her is not the same as her being committed to you and your relationship. There are plenty of other women out there, you have to cut yourself free to find the right one.
 

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Despite what people say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every day, to be with that person. It's not a need or a desire.

That's just lust.
Well…disagree with this. I think love is both. Still lust after my wife after 12 years. If you’re giving her a hug from behind out of “choice” and because it’s something you “should” do in a relationship if you love someone, instead of something you just want to do because it feels nice and you’re so attracted to her, she’ll sense that.
 

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And when I will at some point be 100% sure, I might decide to leave her. She knows this now, but she is fighting no matter what. I asked her for nothing, but this. Do just what you truly feel. No matter of how I will feel. Because we have to be honest, 100%, both in actions and words, and only then we will know if this love is truly worth fighting for.

But I have to be honest with myself about how I feel, and fight for it. At least this time. In order for me to be truly content walking away, in case it all turns to bits. It was wrong of her to hide how she truly feels from me, and go talk about it to other people. She should have just talked to me. I think she understands that now, and knows that was the beginning of the end. She is truly hurt and disgusted by herself, I can physically see it. So maybe she finally matured, or maybe she hasn't. But it's only one way of knowing. And I won't be able to truly be free, if I don't know that answer. I hope you all cand understand where I'm coming from, and try to see it from my view also. I know the logical decision was easy, but feelings are not. And it will be extremely hard, if not impossible. But we will fight for love. And if it's not meant to be, so be it. At least I will be content. I will still focus on myself, until I have an answer. I still have to come back and become the person I was and I want to be.

I am proud of you, kid. You came to this on your own and only you have to understand and live with your decisions. What is underlined are the best words felt and spoken. To heal yourself if nothing else.


Continue to focus on yourself because there will be times of doubt if you stay together. Maybe her heart felt guilt and self loathing is real in the moment, but just remember how far it will go in the future or if it is a fleeting moment. Your relationship was not torn apart overnight and it will not be repaired in one night either.

I wish you happiness and love in the future. If it is with her great, if it is not you will be a better person and a better partner for someone to have a real love with.
 

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One more thing...when you get those feelings and have a difficult time dealing with the day. Start a journal. Get all those emotions and feelings out on paper, just as you did here. The paper passes no judgement, it simply accepts your truths.

In the beginning, some of my entries were nothing more than a 🙂and I made it through another day. To more complex and heart wrenching moments. Then read them again a couple months later. You will be amazed.

Good luck kid.
 
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