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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?
 

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Re: can my marriage be fixed?

I'm sorry you are here. I don't think I could ever reconcile with my wife if she left me and became pregnant with OM's baby. You have the kids. Let her live in the new life she created for herself. That's my take. I get that you don't want your children to live in a "broken" home, but you did not break up your family.

Here's why I think that your wife's remorse is not real, or why I think you are her "plan B". She now wants to reconcile with you because 1) you have primary custody of the kids (no child support) and 2) real life isn't going so hot for her right now with her DUI...and my hunch is this OM really doesn't want to be saddled with a child. Why does she want to reconcile now after she became pregnant? Simple. She's about to become a single mom with a DUI on her license, and her OM is probably distancing himself from her as we speak.

Think very long and hard about this before you commit to an R with this woman. I think she is playing you, but only you will know for sure. Good luck with trying to figure it out. I gave my opinion for what it's worth.
 

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No you can't make it work.

You can post the OM on cheaterville.com

You need to get a lawyer ASAP to make sure you do not ever have to support this other guys child.
 

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this is one of the worst i've ever heard.

i agree. as if the affair isn't bad enough, she went and got pregnant by this POS. you will never be free of this if you choose to reconcile. the child will ALWAYS be a constant reminder of her infidelity, as well as of the OM. are you sure you can handle that?
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Sorry you are in this position. But your wife is grasping for you to ensure OM's child is well cared for. Apparently she's been hitting the booze while pregnant. That and her age raise the chances of defects for that poor defenseless baby.

Are you willing to introduce a child that may have special needs, while fending off the OM?

Additionally, your wife confessed in summer, but went back to him in autumn. In winter she professed love for the OM. But now says she loves you. What is she going to say in spring?

How much heartache, financial strain, and marital turmoil are you willing to endure. Chances are your wife has become an alcoholic or is heading that way. IMO her future is bleak.

Your family will never be the same again. Could your family be strong if she comes back? What do you think the odds are? As a casual observer, I think the odds are not in your favor.
 

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I am a former wayward wife, and I am trying hard to reconcile with my husband.

That being said, I cannot imagine trying to reconcile with this woman. After coming clean with the affair, she left you and your (her!) children, got her own place, continued her relationship, got pregnant, got a DUI, and NOW wants to R? She has supposedly had NC for 2 weeks. That's nothing. And she can't have NC when she's having his baby -he will be in contact with her at some point.

You have very, very serious questions for yourself if you are truly considering attempting an R with this woman. Can you raise a child that is not yours, but is that of the man she left you for? Can you handle OM being a part of your lives for the rest of your marriage? Can you be ok with the thought that you are Plan B after she attempted life without you and it went to hell (knocked up, DUI, etc.)?

I understand wanting to make it work for the kids you have, but this is really, really broken. And based on what you wrote, I don't see any real remorse on behalf of your wife. I see someone who effed up her life really bad and now is hoping to fall back on you to try to straighten it up again.

I am so sorry. I know you are hurting. I've seen the pain I've put my husband through. I am also very pro-R if both partners are willing and the WS is willing to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and change his/her ways. There is just so much that she would need to fix with this, and I honestly don't see how it's possible.

Stick around on TAM. You will get help here. Listen to what people have to say. Being a betrayed spouse, the advice will be hard to hear, but these are people that have been in similar shoes. They will be supportive but blunt, and you need to hear it.

Once again, I'm so sorry.
 

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I am pretty sure the OM wants to be involved but she has NC with him for a few weeks.
Why do you think that, or is there a chance that you would know this to be true (aside from your wife telling you this)?

If he does want to be involved, it would probably be because he would not want to be labeled a deadbeat dad and carry the stigma plus financial strain of missing child support payments. JMHO, this guy is probably praying that you decide to take this woman back and also put your signature on the birth certificate.

I hope you think this through objectively before you decide on what you want to do.
 

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Sorry for the situation you're in,but if you can reconcile what's happened considering the long haul of the year's ahead,then you're a far,far better man than me.The fact that the OM would be a permanent fixture in your lives,at least to some extent,would be too hard to put up with in my opinion.I wish you well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
 

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If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
Your wife sees you as the backup plan. Don't be the backup plan.

BTW, it's amazing how many times women convince the H to get a vasectomy and then get pregnant by the OM. Kind of like the ultimate FU.
 

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You need to have your head checked pronto if you are even considering R with this nut of a woman.

IT IS SICK. the whole situation is sick. I agree with another poster this is one of ther worst I've seen too.

Cut her loose fast, believe me you do not want to continue this marriage. You will NEVER live a normal or happy life again. Let the POS OM raise the child, not you.

Yeah what will you tell your kids? Oh mommy got herslef pregant with some other guy, here's your new half-sister/brother.

Once a cheater/liar always a liar. They can never be trusted again.
 

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If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
Like this:

You: Kids, your dad is not the father of your baby brother/sister.

Kids: Then who is the father, and why isn't it you?

You: Wife, go ahead...tell them...

Wife: I slept with another man, got pregnant and I gave birth to his baby. Your dad decided to forgive me and work it out.

Kids: Dad, why would you ever agree to take care of some other guy's kid - especially since he had sex with mom?

Sorry man, there's no good way to break the news to them if you decide to reconcile with your wife. I can't help but think that your own kids would lose some respect for you if you did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.
 

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If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
r

Depends on your state. You do not have to adopt. In some states, if you are married you are assumed the father.

That said, you really have to think this over. Ask your family and friends, Your family also needs to accept your wife and her child,

Go to IC and make sure what you are doing,
 

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This is what I was talking about, heavy<3. You are going to get harsh responses, because yours is an exceptionally rough case. The odds aren't good -at all. And that means, the odds aren't good that she is going to change and remain faithful. R is beyond difficult, even when NC is maintained, and I just don't see how it can be in your situation.

Yes, your wife is staying at home and going to church, but I have to agree that it seems like it might be because she is out of options and hoping you will be a safe bet to wager on her new child. I think it is very important to remind yourself though that THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD. And just because you told her to leave does not mean it is your fault that she took back up (or never left touch) with OM and got pregnant by him. PLEASE do not think this is in any way your fault.

People here promote the 180 for good reason - by you distancing yourself, it has 2 outcomes: your spouse freaks out and realizes what s/he he is about to lose or you gain the strength to learn you can do with her or him. By having her leave, you did basically the 180, and she didn't come running back. She went to the OM and got pregnant. That is a huge, HUGE sign as to where her heart is at.

I'll be blunt about my story. My husband put a mic on my phone because he didn't trust me, and he recorded me having sex with a friend of ours. He came to my office immediately and confronted me. That afternoon, he made me leave our house and I went to my parents'. I never had any contact with xOM since that day. He made me live with my parents for 2 months before he allowed me back home. It's been nearly 8 months, and I still don't know if he will eventually leave me. I am disgusted and devastated by what I did, and I honestly don't recognize the person I was last year that was capable of hurting my husband this bad and jeopardizing the lives of our 3 and 5 year olds. As soon as he kicked me out, I realized what a huge mistake I made, and I got into counseling, cut off OM, and have attempted to do all I can to show my husband that I want only him and am beyond sorry for betraying him like I have.

I am no saint. I hate myself most of the time. I have done terrible, awful things that I am ashamed of. I have broken my marriage vows, commandments (I'm a Christian), and hurt family, friends, and loved ones. I really am no better than your wife, but I do feel like I realized quickly what I had to lose, and when my husband gave me a glimmer of hope that our marriage might not be lost, I immediately jumped on it and worked like hell to try to fix and save it.

Sadly, I don't see where your wife did any of this.

Once again, I'm sorry you are here.

One thing I will say though: you can get through this without her. You have been a wonderful dad to your kids despite what your wife has put all of you through over the past year. I completely understand the desire of wanting a 2 parent home for your kids. I do too. My husband does too, which is the only reason he hasn't divorced me. But you have to ask yourself what is really in the best interest of your children. Your wife didn't just leave you; she left her kids. I can't even fathom that. There were certainly times I didn't put my kids first when I was in my affair, but when my husband made me leave, I hated not having my kids with me. I had them whenever I could, and the one time that he tried to keep them from me was the only time that I looked into securing an attorney. She has not only screwed you over, but her children too. Don't ignore that.

I know this is beyond hard. I know you want the life you had. I know it has to seem like all is possible now that she is back, but she is PREGNANT. With SOME OTHER MAN'S baby. Life will never be the same -for you or your children. Love your children. Care for them. Know that you -and them - will get through this, and will be healthier without her.

And let me remind you -I'm a WAYWARD saying this! I know you want someone to say it's possible to come back from this, but I just don't see it. Take care of yourself and your kids. They need one healthy parent.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
changingme
thanks for your thoughtful post. I just wanted to clear the air on one fact. I felt she was unstable at the time and i asked her to leave after i found she befriended OM on FB. She resented me for "taking her away from her children" and feels i was using the kids against her. I got temporary custody and she basically could watch them after school but could not stay overnight
 
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