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My husband says his pain of not having seen his children for 10 months is impossible to bear, he is questioning his purpose in life and says he sometimes wishes he will never see me again ....he seems very depressed, sad and hurt. He says his pain is unbearable.....
And yet, everyone I talk to and ask how my husband seems to them, everyone says he seems perfectly fine, he makes jokes, he plays with other kids, laughs and behaves like nothing has happened to him....
I understand he is not showing his emotions but how can he be like that?
He says that in those moments he tries not to think about us and that nobody knows what is going on inside him....

My question is...how can he behave like that? Showing one happy face when he is out there? Is this normal? Can a person who is depressed put this double face on?

I am really sorry and I feel his pain...I don't understand how someone who misses his children so terribly does not want to
come and be with us....
 

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I had an aunt who was always cheerful, charming, fun, good company. Her children told me that in private she said she had never been happy, having been part of a 'shotgun' weddding in the 1940s, so perhaps yes some people can hide their real feelings extraordinarily well. Must be a terrific strain, though.

Wishing you well.
 

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I will tell you what has happened with me. I cannot speak for him. Maybe it will help.

Everyone lied to my ex. They did not want her to think there was something wrong with me. They did not want her to have the upper hand and take advantage of me. They did not know what she would do to me.

They did not want her near me. They thought, "If she feels sorry, she may try to come back. He cannot take this. He may commit suicide if she decides to leave him again." Therefore, for my sake, everyone lied. They told her I was great. They told her I was happy. It was the farthest thing from the truth.

At the time all of this was going on. I knew nothing of what was happening. No one told me a thing. They were protecting me. They shielded me from contact with her so I would not slip backward toward thoughts of suicide.

The thing is, they thought I wanted to commit suicide the day she left. I really did not. It was only later, when they all kept her away from me and she didn't know what was going on, and neither did I, that I seriously considered it. By that time, however, the means by which they thought I would do the deed had been removed.

All I had was terrible loneliness and sadness, which I could not do anything about and was pretty much forced not to do anything about since the folks supporting me said they would stop if I contacted her at all. I could not risk losing the few I had supporting me.

I was not capable of seeing what was going on. I was like a baby in my thought processes. I had regressed to a point in my life where I did not trust myself. I needed to ask before I did anything.

If I was wrong about my marriage and my wife thoroughly disguised her feelings, how could I trust anything? All my past experiences were useless, I thought. I did not know how to take care of myself. I was not capable of reasoning logically. I don't know why this was.

It all started the day she left. I was in shock that day. I was not ready to commit suicide. I was just in shock. She called me to get more clothes a couple of days after she left. I said I would get her whatever she needed, put it in a plastic garbage bag and set that on the porch. She could pick it up when she wanted.

I asked what she needed. She said, I think someone told her what to say, but I don't know for sure, "I need my lingerie." "What do you mean?", I said. She said, "I need my panties and my sexy lingerie." I don't remember exactly, but she told me she needed her sexy clothing.

Right in that time frame ,less than a minute or two, I had my breakdown. I thought, "I can't believe this. Everything I thought I knew about her is wrong. I have made a terrible mistake in believing she loves me. I thought I knew what I was doing. I know nothing. I have learned nothing from my past relationships. Everything I know is wrong." I could feel myself giving up. I thought, "Don't give up. Don't give in." I could not hold out. I gave up.

At that moment, I felt a very warm sensation run through the left side of my head from behind my left eye to just behind my left ear. It centered in the front left quadrant of my brain.

This happened while I was still on the phone with my ex-wife. She was telling me she needed her stuff. I started saying, "I'll get it for you honey. I'll get it for you." I could not stop saying that and I could not stop sobbing. I wanted to stop.

From that point onward, things just spiraled out of control and I ended up in the hospital. The doctors told me, "it was like a stroke. You may or may not fully recover. We don't know."

No one wanted her to know. I think they did not want to hurt her. I think they also didn't want to scare folks. They didn't want to harm my reputation or hers.

Folks she was with, lied to her for different reasons. They told her I was okay. They told her I was faking. They told her I didn't want her. At the time, I could not think at all and so could not do anything to help her or me. I lost around 40 pounds. I was in terrible trouble.

The folks on her end, especially her male friends, wanted to take her from me. I could not stop that. She would not believe me even if I could have told her. They used her. They broke her. She blames it all on me.

It was not me who suggested she leave. As a matter of fact, I told, no, begged her never to leave me like that. I told her before we were married, I could not take it and begged her to promise she would not handle things that way. She agreed.

I guess we never know what we are going to do in a given situation.

Folks at work knew more about what was going on than I did. Some things I told them. Some things, some of my family told them, without my knowledge.

They worked against me to keep us apart. One guy, at work, who I did not know was seeing her, had the perfect set-up. I was blabbering things I never should have said. It was due to my illness. I can only imagine how he twisted my words and took them back to her. I had no chance. We had no chance.

They also thought they were doing it to protect her. I don't know what she told them. I don't know what she or they thought she needed protection from. I may have said something bad, I don't remember. I was really out of it for a long time. I think it was close to a year before I could even start to think straight.

They may have had ulterior motives. I don't know. I can speculate. I have reasonable conjecture and circumstantial evidence, but I cannot prove anything.

The doctors I was seeing told me not to call my ex-wife. They subtly threatened to throw me in jail if I contacted her. Only after a year, did my doctor tell me It was okay to contact her. By that time, it was way too late. I think he knew this.

I cannot yet go without some of my family in my life, so I try to lie to myself in the face of what I now perceive to be the truth. I just hope it doesn't come back to bite me.

So, I would believe he is not okay at all until I see it for myself. My family would not let anyone know the truth. They did not want my ex and I to get back together.

Good Luck.
 

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My x wife was like this. When she asked for divorce, she claimed she had been unhappy for years, yet everyone else was stunned to hear that. People said she seemed very happy to them. In the last month or so of our marriage, she acted unhappy around me, yet be around someone else, and she was a bundle of happiness.

One woman told me she didn't understand this. She said, "I believe if I was so miserable that I had to have a divorce, I'd be unhappy all the time and not be able to hide it."
 

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2ntnuf, I hope you're doing better these days. I felt sad reading your story.

AnoukNZ, I would definitely not rely on what others tell you. Your husband is being honest with you, and you seem to be looking for reasons not to believe him. This will lead you in a direction you do NOT want to go! Your husband should be your #1 priority, and you have a duty to support your family in being together and active in each other's lives right now while your kids are still young.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
2ntnuf, it is heartbreaking what you've been through....
The people who say that he is just fine are friends with me and him and they do want us to be toghether again...

I am trying to contact him and tallk to him but he does not want to communicate....
It's like he says one thing then he does the exact opposite....It breaks my heart to think of what he is feeling but he does not let me do anything. I asked him what I can do but he does not want to answer...
The kids are asking to talk to him but he just says I should explain them something, anything....it's like he wants to punish me but doesn't he understand that he is also punishing his children?

On the other hand he claims his pain is so unbearable....and I just not get it...if it's true, and I believe it's true , how come he can play with our friend's kids how come he can laugh and make jokes and seem perfectly fine....
Does he have a double personality?
 

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Some people are very good at hiding their true feelings in public, and in front of those that they want to convince everything is ok. I am saying this because I am one of those people so I can sort of relate. Either way I really hope things work out for the two of you and for the sake of your children. It sounds like both of you are very unhappy with the situation.
 
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