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Can people explain the forgiveness thing?

949 Views 12 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  unbelievable
Forgiveness , what's that about what's it's point ? l have a lot of trouble with letting her off the hook that easily . Yeah l get the bitter thing but !
See for one thing what she's done and it's timing , is just insane , irrational , irresponsible .
And the second thing is , l forgave an ex gf once for screwing round on me. And all that achieved was seemed to be thinking she could still race upto me at parties or whenever l saw her somewhere , big smile and bs chit chat as if we were old friends.
Well yeah l did forgive her in a sense but that doesn't mean it wasn't a total ***** act and we were buddies again.

l'm really struggling with my wifey on this , there's still a lot of anger inside bc it was to me exactly what l tried to say up there, l also think it was pathetic to be honest , and selfish to extreme, it's quitting .
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it will happen automatically;he resentment,anger all shall go away;
with the onset of new life that is happy again because we have taken charge of our happiness;
You do not have to force anything on you ;just focus on being kind to yourself;the more you are in anger,the more you resent-you are harming yourself and are being unkind to yourself;so just do not do anything for anybody ,just for yourself;

And again,I feel that we have so much anger and resentment because we feel we have been robbed of our happiness ;as if our spouse deceitfuly took away good things from us;In reality ,it is dillusion-noone makes us happy-we create our happiness-it has got nothing to do with our spouse leaving us or stying with us;

I think this is the reality check that is making me move forward and I hope to resume a healthy life carving out happiness again;
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It happens organically. You cant force it.

Accept what it is. Did she make destructive choices (i refuse to call them mistakes....), yes. So what? Who cares?

Once you disconnect and realize that you can only control you and that her actions, in no way, have ANYTHING to do with you, then you can see it for what it is.

Realize that you are the only one that can make you happy. Once you see that, what is the point of being upset all the time?

Hate is not the opposite of love, you know. Apathy is. If you hate her and resent her, you still give her the power to control your emotions. Let that go.

You may never fully forgive her for what she has done, but you will be able to let it go and not care that she did it. At the end of the day, all that matters is you.

And remember these words. I am not OK with .........

You should have told your ex, "I am not OK being on friendly terms with you". Boundaries. Your new best friend. Express what you are ok and not ok with. It is a great feeling.
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It's not something you give because the offender deserves it. It's more a gift to yourself. It gives you permission to move on and not carry that heavy ugly crap around.
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thanks so much people , you all touch us so deeply round here, everyone does .
l think l read somewhere it was healthy to forgive them , couldn't get it though.
but i do see now in the ways you've explained , and l so badly want to reach that point.
this anger and sometimes hate is definitely no damn good for us is it .

thanks again , l would be totally lost right now if not for everyone here.
I don't think a person necessarily needs to let the other person know that they have forgiven them.

As unbelieveable said above, you do it first and foremost for yourself.

Forgiveness and Letting Go
oh right , well l like that method . she deserves to stew for a long long time .

thanks for the link and input to crunch .
itll pass Hawk. Itll come and go..this anger stage..but it'll pass.

then it gets better :)

yuchy stuff
thanks angel , your a caring ******.

l'm afraid you seem to be doing a lot better than me lately. all this christmas stuff you know , makes you that fg angry / hate .

she's coming over sat'y morning , to help organize the families christmas she's torn apart . this orta be good.
Its a loonnggg and painful road. It doesn't happen over night. I will say that as time passes, it does get easier.

I had a long and final discussion about what happened and how hurt I was and all that not so fun stuff. After that last discussion, I have never brought it up ever again. Its been 3 years since the incident and though I still think about it, it doesn't completely overwhelm my world anymore.

There's really no trick to forgiveness. You cant just wake up and say to yourself that you won't be angry or hurt anymore. It takes time. Lots of time. Im still not where I would like to be. I still have trust issues, but they have gotten much better.

We almost didnt make it at one point. I rug swept and about a year after the incident everything came crashing down on me. It was like reliving the nightmare over again.

My best advice to you is to sit down and talk about it. Every detail you feel you want to know about..ask. And after that conversation make a promise to yourself to never bring it up again. Dont let this tragedy control you. You need to be in control of it.

When you get in those depressed and angry moods, do something that makes you smile. For me I just deter my mind to focusing on playing with my little boy. It really instantly takes away the thoughts and the anger.

Good luck!
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It is a beloved biblical principle that by and large, is a process that allows a person who has been betrayed to move forward with their life, clearing their conscience and putting their resulting burdens about it upon God. And it's largely immaterial as to whether that betrayed person has been afforded an apology or not.

But just as forgiveness is a conscience clearing mechanism, it in no way implies that the person extending such forgiveness should ever forget.
I mention this guy in another thread...

"If you have given way to anger, be sure that over and above the evil involved therein, you have strengthened the habit, and added fuel to the fire. If overcome by a temptation of the flesh, do not reckon it a single defeat, but that you have also strengthened your dissolute habits. Habits and faculties are necessarily affected by the corresponding acts... One who has had fever, even when it has left him, is not in the same condition of health as before, unless indeed his cure is complete. Something of the same sort is true also of diseases of the mind. Behind, there remains a legacy of traces and of blisters: and unless these are effectually erased, subsequent blows on the same spot will produce no longer mere blisters, but sores. If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: 'I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next every two, next every three days!' and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the Gods in thanksgiving." - Epictetus

That's what forgiveness is about. It's not about letting the other person off the hook, it's about healing yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

To look at another way, and to quote another of my favorite philosophers...

"But beware of the dark side. Anger. Fear. Aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow. Quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will..." - Yoda

The more you dwell on the wrongs that have done to you, the harder it is to let go of the anger and the hate and move on to your own personal happiness.

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There are no perfect people. It makes little sense to be someone in need of forgiveness but to withhold it from others.
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