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Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long.

My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together.

We're still happy but 18 months ago, our 7yo son made friends with a new kid at school. The dad is a stay at home dad and he and my wife started organising play dates for the boys. He seemed like a good guy, I met him several times and things were friendly and seemed normal between us but I noticed he paid a lot more attention to my wife than me. He would make prolonged eye contact with her even while the three of us were supposedly having a conversation. He always refused my suggestions that we have a beer on friday etc but has no trouble making time to see my wife.

Very quickly, they went from dropping boys off for playdates to staying for coffee, then staying the whole time. They have also been hanging out a lot with just the two of them, during the day when the kids are at school and I've been at work. They also started texting each other a lot, hundreds of times a month. When they hang out, it's all day I'm talking from as early at 7.30am til dark. He often texted her early in the morning and late at night while we were in bed. I hated it.

Skip ahead a few more months, he's confiding in her about his troubled marriage, he's also told her some secrets he's never told anyone else. They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ).

We've had many fights about how much contact she has with this man. She has always insisted that they are just friends, that they have a special connection but its not romantic.

Last week my wife confessed she has been in love with him the whole time. She said she had an immediate attraction and when he started texting her a lot, she loved it and respnded. She has tried to cut back on contact and tried not to initiate contact and other things but she realised she didn't have the willpower to do what she knew she was supposed to do. She told me this because she has decided to cut all contact with him.

My wife is extremely apologetic and she says she feels like she has woken up, that she can see it from my shoes now. She insists that he has never returned her feelings. She said she told him 4 months ago. He was very sick at the time and nearly died so she decided to tell him she loved him. Apparently he said he didn't think of her like that. They agreed to just carry on as they had been. She says she felt like it was okay because if he didn't like her back, then nothing was ever going to happen. She swears nothing physical has ever happened between them, that he's never even tried.

I'm upset. She had to break up with this guy. She had to tell him it was too hard for her and that she can't see him anymore. Then they had a fight and there were tears. Doesn't sound like 'just friends' to me.

What do you guys think about this man? Do you believe he didn't feel anything more than 'just friends' for my wife? I can't imagine being this attentive and persistent with some chick I didn't want to screw. My wife is hot, smart and fun.

And what should I do about my wife? She is very sorry and doing everything to make it up to me. She is completely open with me now. She's taken her passcode off her phone, she has unfriended him on facebook. They talked twice after the day after she broke up with him and I knew about both times. They have not spoken since. She has told his wife. Playdates will be organised with the wife and only when the husband is not around. My wife and I do not want to see him.

I don't know what to do here. I'm angry that she and this guy had a secret like this from me. I'm angry that they were so intimate. He told her she was his best friend. They said I love you to each other once while he was sick. He has written her poetry, drawn her pictures and played her songs. He talks about her all the time on fb and mentions her in his work (he's a writer). She has confessed that she was flattered. He swears that he has only ever treated her like any other friend. She is upset about that. Post break up he wouldnt even say that she was special to him. She says this helped her snap out of it but I'm pissed that she was upset about not being special to another man.

Whole thing makes me sick. Still love my wife. Glad she stopped this but I don't know what to do.
I'm just so angry about the whole thing.
I don't really know what I want to hear. I guess I just want to get it off my chest. I'm not telling anyone in RL that my wife has been in love with another guy. Best part? We all live on the same street. Not next door thank god but we are still going to see them all the f*ing time.

Thanks for listening.
Luke.
 

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It sounds to me like the only thing that woke her up is the fact that her love was unrequited. What would have happened had he said he loves her too. You must remember this as you go forward. That is not to say you should not R but just an important point you must think about.
 

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Ok i read your post again.
I think that this was not a one sided EA it has become a PA

The only problem was that he was a predator thinking only to score with your wife and your wife wanted more . She realized that he played her and is in damage control

Don't be fooled that she has confessed ,it does mean anything about your R ,it means that she tries to control the information, the fallout
 

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First of all my friend, you need to realize that your wife is lying to you now and has been lying to you for all this time. The conclsion I am drawing from what you said is that your wife has had sex with this man many, many times. I also think that she has "come clean" to you because something happened either in the relationship with this man or she expects the affair to be exposed to you and she is now trickle truthing you to set you up for the "bomb". You made a huge mistake by allowing her to get close to a stay at home dad in the first place. No matter what she said you should have drawn the line back then and forbid her from meeting with him. Most men who come here learn too late that a man and a woman can't simply be "Just Friends" (I just can't believe you allowed this sh1t to go on! A date?! Really?!). This is what I think you need to do:

  1. Forbid your wife from ever contacting this man ever again, your child's friendship will just have to suffer.
  2. Contact his wife immediately (don't even finish reading my post, do it now) and discuss with her what you have learned. I am willing to bet she already knows, but make sure that she is in the loop and she is working with you on this.
  3. Start snooping. GPS in the car. Voice activated recorders, Keyloggers on the computer, Phone Monitoring software. Your wife has proved to you she can't be trusted and I'm willing to bet this ain't over.
  4. Realize that anything she says to you will be a lie and she will try to "gaslight" you and put you on the defensive. Make her understand that if she doesn't cooperate with you 100% you are tossing her out.
 

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She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ).
Curious... Why did you put up with that crap? Seriously! By then i'm pretty sure you already knew what was going on. Why didn't you just roared that wanker away? Dude picks up your wife, takes her to a date and brings her back!

Also this sounds false:

She said she told him 4 months ago. He was very sick at the time and nearly died so she decided to tell him she loved him. Apparently he said he didn't think of her like that.
You're a guy. Do you imagine investing time like that if you didn't want to bang her? Are you sure you're not getting a sanitized version of events?

If the guy had no interest in her would he not back down after she confessed love?
 

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Is, Middleman's post may seem harsh to you, but you should take it a a wake-up call. I have female friends, but I would never indulge in the kind of intimacy that you describe between them. Serious boundary issues here. Painful as it may be, you need to go into full surveillance mode to verify that this is over. Then consider a polygraph to find out if she has minimized her transgression ( you bet she has). You are at the starting point of a long, hard road. God speed and prayers with you.
 

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They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home.
Well, she's admitted they're not just friends. She told him she loved him, and she told you that too. So all of that "friends" stuff was just a big fat lie. First, she practiced lying to herself about the nature of the relationship, and when she got good at that, she started lying to you.

It is possible it didn't go physical. As far as I have been able to tell from hundreds of emails spanning years, all of which I discovered on my own, my H did not have sex with his AP. There are some men out there who will do that. But they are pretty rare.

Amazing his wife let him go on a dinner date with her. I wonder what lies he told his wife to pull that off. Or maybe she was out of town when it happened.

Have you talked to the OMW yet? She needs to know.

I know it hurts that he essentially 'dumped' her before she realized that what she did was wrong. Point out to her that this hurts a lot, and is part of your inability to trust her and get past it. She's basically told you (assuming she's being truthful) that she would have f*cked him in a second if he'd only asked. That is a big pill to swallow.


As Satya suggests, get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--she was a nationally recognized infidelity researcher. Her book is definitive and especially useful in understanding emotional affairs. Take a look at the link in my signature to the google excerpts of the book, especially the table of contents. Get HER to read it if she's so sorry about what she did.

Then find a marriage-friendly marriage counselor TRAINED in infidelity. Do not get one who wants to put this in the deep past and say look! She stayed with you! You should be so happy! Because that = rugsweeping and rugsweeping = a festering wound that will burst open again some time in the future.
 

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Is, Middleman's post may seem harsh to you, but you should take it a a wake-up call. I have female friends, but I would never indulge in the kind of intimacy that you describe between them. Serious boundary issues here. Painful as it may be, you need to go into full surveillance mode to verify that this is over. Then consider a polygraph to find out if she has minimized her transgression ( you bet she has). You are at the starting point of a long, hard road. God speed and prayers with you.
:iagree:

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Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long.

My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together.

We're still happy but 18 months ago, our 7yo son made friends with a new kid at school. The dad is a stay at home dad and he and my wife started organising play dates for the boys. He seemed like a good guy, I met him several times and things were friendly and seemed normal between us but I noticed he paid a lot more attention to my wife than me. He would make prolonged eye contact with her even while the three of us were supposedly having a conversation. He always refused my suggestions that we have a beer on friday etc but has no trouble making time to see my wife.

Very quickly, they went from dropping boys off for playdates to staying for coffee, then staying the whole time. They have also been hanging out a lot with just the two of them, during the day when the kids are at school and I've been at work. They also started texting each other a lot, hundreds of times a month. When they hang out, it's all day I'm talking from as early at 7.30am til dark. He often texted her early in the morning and late at night while we were in bed. I hated it.

Skip ahead a few more months, he's confiding in her about his troubled marriage, he's also told her some secrets he's never told anyone else. They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ).

We've had many fights about how much contact she has with this man. She has always insisted that they are just friends, that they have a special connection but its not romantic.

Last week my wife confessed she has been in love with him the whole time. She said she had an immediate attraction and when he started texting her a lot, she loved it and respnded. She has tried to cut back on contact and tried not to initiate contact and other things but she realised she didn't have the willpower to do what she knew she was supposed to do. She told me this because she has decided to cut all contact with him.

My wife is extremely apologetic and she says she feels like she has woken up, that she can see it from my shoes now. She insists that he has never returned her feelings. She said she told him 4 months ago. He was very sick at the time and nearly died so she decided to tell him she loved him. Apparently he said he didn't think of her like that. They agreed to just carry on as they had been. She says she felt like it was okay because if he didn't like her back, then nothing was ever going to happen. She swears nothing physical has ever happened between them, that he's never even tried.

I'm upset. She had to break up with this guy. She had to tell him it was too hard for her and that she can't see him anymore. Then they had a fight and there were tears. Doesn't sound like 'just friends' to me.

What do you guys think about this man? Do you believe he didn't feel anything more than 'just friends' for my wife? I can't imagine being this attentive and persistent with some chick I didn't want to screw. My wife is hot, smart and fun.

And what should I do about my wife? She is very sorry and doing everything to make it up to me. She is completely open with me now. She's taken her passcode off her phone, she has unfriended him on facebook. They talked twice after the day after she broke up with him and I knew about both times. They have not spoken since. She has told his wife. Playdates will be organised with the wife and only when the husband is not around. My wife and I do not want to see him.

I don't know what to do here. I'm angry that she and this guy had a secret like this from me. I'm angry that they were so intimate. He told her she was his best friend. They said I love you to each other once while he was sick. He has written her poetry, drawn her pictures and played her songs. He talks about her all the time on fb and mentions her in his work (he's a writer). She has confessed that she was flattered. He swears that he has only ever treated her like any other friend. She is upset about that. Post break up he wouldnt even say that she was special to him. She says this helped her snap out of it but I'm pissed that she was upset about not being special to another man.

Whole thing makes me sick. Still love my wife. Glad she stopped this but I don't know what to do.
I'm just so angry about the whole thing.
I don't really know what I want to hear. I guess I just want to get it off my chest. I'm not telling anyone in RL that my wife has been in love with another guy. Best part? We all live on the same street. Not next door thank god but we are still going to see them all the f*ing time.

Thanks for listening.
Luke.
Luke

Buddy, when this in bold happened, why did you allow it to happen? What did you say at the time? How could any thing she could have said make you ok with it?

This right there made you a cuckold. Look it up.

You let her do this and she lost all respect for you. Don't believe her when she says no PA.
 

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And, real quick:

I agree with those who have said that she will likely try to reach out to this man again, will likely try to follow him from afar (facebook, drivebys, mutual friends). You don't just 'snap out' of a deep infatuation. The whole scenario was / is highly addictive. She has to be entirely out of contact for quite some time before the worst effects will wear off.

This man might also crave her attention and try to keep her roped in as a "friend." Or worse, it's also possible he did feel the same way--because right now you only have the words of a liar to go on. Keep that at the front of your mind--she has been living a lie for a very long time. It's become a way of life and again, you don't just turn an off switch somewhere and become truthful again.

Last, to answer your first question
can my wife have an EA on her own?
It is possible to have a one-sided obsession with someone. My thoughts on that: one-sided obsessions can be even worse than mutual relationships. That's because the infatuation is largely a figment of the mind and imagination. But much more likely is that this man returned her feelings but his wife caught him and forced him to end it. The other possibility is that this man is a validation-seeker who craves female attention and he keeps lots of gals on a string. When one gets too close, he ends it with her, but he's got others to keep the affirmations flowing.

You only have your wife's words to go on right now.


Also--BLOCK him on facebook using his name and all possible emails he may have. She can still see his page even if she unfriends him if she has the right settings or they have mutual friends.
 

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They had a lovers quarrel and this guy isn't ready to get together with your wife if she left you. HE did not want her beyond a fling.


She confessed out of guilt and out of spite for OM the moment she realized that she was used and discarded. You don't even have 1% of the story ?

Why else do you think she suddenly confessed when she could effortlessly lie to you all this time and have dates with him ? Even the OM's story does not match with hers.

What phone does she have ?

And how the hell did you allow this guy to court your wife all this time ? They basically dated for 10 months and broke up.
 

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She hasn't stopped lying. Get a keylogger on her computer and you need to retrieve their deleted texts. If they were having sex all this time, lying to you about it now isn't that tough either.
 

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EA?.....REALLY?

She wanted more from her but he knows your wife is a cheating , so when she expressed her desire for a rue relationship he may have dumped her like a hot potato.
She is damage control and don't believe a word she says. believe only what you can verify. Now you may have access to her mail but it is cleaned and set ready for you to read.
Just ask her how many times she screwed him she may tell you she lost the count..
But one thing I don't get is How can you allow your wife to go for a date with another man? If you don't have any problem with that then why now?
Even I might have cheated if I got such an opportunity at home, to be with another spouse without any boundaries.
You have doubts, she lied to you but you didn't acted on it. still you are sitting on this **** load with what your wife told you thinking as if she is an angel.
Did you were there when she told OMW? If not contact OMW and get more information.
 

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Next time OM wife has a playdate with the kids join her. Bring phone records,and all the evedence you have.collect the gift ,and so on..
To compare notes. OM its impossible she can be this cool,from what you discribed.
But wait a few days. Install a key logger first..


Sorry to say it but it was a EA/PA
 

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Luke

Buddy, when this in bold happened, why did you allow it to happen? What did you say at the time? How could any thing she could have said make you ok with it?

This right there made you a cuckold. Look it up.

You let her do this and she lost all respect for you. Don't believe her when she says no PA.
Agree. Totally.
Maybe she told you because be dumped her? Or someone has threatened to expose the A. Don't know just sounds suspicious to me. It's not very often a wayward just comes clean, but I suppose we could give her the benefit of the doubt.

Come on now. You need to do a lot of reading and set the boundaries.
You know the drill:
Total transparency
No trickle truth,
No rugs weeping ......
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Best part? We all live on the same street. Not next door thank god but we are still going to see them all the f*ing time.
I know you don't want to hear this. But here goes.

Infatuation is a very powerful emotion. No one just walks away from it. No one. Even if your wife appears to have chosen to do so, those feelings are very strong.

All the time you see ex's reunited via facebook (married or not) after decades and thousands of miles. That is because once you feel this way about someone--it rarely goes entirely away. Sometimes one partner will do something so god-awful that 'love' turns to hate. But usually that isn't the case.

Every time they see each other, it is a reward hit to the brain that feeds the addiction of infatuation. Every time.

I'm not going to tell you to move away. But that is what you are up against. And that's assuming there was no physical side, and he wasn't that into her. Both of which are quite a stretch.
 
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