[ms.beesknees]

I know it probably sounds sexist but I caught my husband in what was an obvious EA and I assumed automatically it was a PA. After drilling him for the details he said "no, no sex" and from the emails I read from him to her there is nothing there that implies it got to a sexual point. With that said as much as I want to believe him I just cannot grasp that men can have EA's. Is there any guys out there that have sincerely had one, and can you tell me if I should believe him?
Heres the story in a nutshell. We have been together for 5 years, 4 together and almost 1 married. Married in dec of 2011 and 6 weeks later he had to go for a 8 month long job in another state. We both agreed to this as hard as it was because it was an incredable opportunity for him carreer wise and great money. We had no clue the toll it would take on us. I did not tell him how much I missed him out of fear that he would feel more guilty for taking the job, and he did not tell me how hard it was for him and how lonely out of fear I would tell him he could never travel again. His story is he confided in the OW looking for her perspecitive on our situation.. well this OW always liked him so I called bs, told him he was looking for trouble. The skank then flew out to the other state to see him and stayed in his room. He divulged this of his own will, I had no clue, but says no sex. He did have 2 beds in the room. I call bs. Now knowing my husband he is not the player type and took an eternity to put any moves on me when we first met so I can believe that there was no PA. He said they kissed and that was all.
When he came home he was acting like a total stranger and after a month of questioning I hacked his email and got the answers I was looking for. He said they decided to break it off the night I busted him ( and the email I found confirmed that- although I feel it was her wish to break it off more than his)
And so now after many fights, making up etc we are both still here, things going good, except I feel he should be graveling more. I told him that it did not matter if they had sex, the EA was just as devistating, but in reality to me it does matter. And I dont know if I will ever know the truth. Even if he is telling me the truth- why should I believe right? I just needed to vent tonight, and I know you guys are always there to help so I want to ask from a guys perspective- who has had a EA- is it really possible- and what drove you to it? Any other advice is welcome as well. Thanks

 

[walkonmars]

You are still on your honeymoon for chissake.

You really need a good marriage counselor or these issues are going to fester. You both should seek individual counseling too.

You to learn how to deal with the situation internally.
Him to learn how to set proper boundaries and to better understand how he allowed her to even visit him. Much less visit him in his room.

Be sure you interview the MC to ensure he/she is experienced in issues of fidelity in marriage. Be prepared to answer the question:

"What do you want to see happen from successful counseling?"

 

[costa200]

No, we men have no emotional needs and always think with our penis...

walkonmars, i don't know if your husband is physically cheating or not. But EAs for men are pretty much possible yes. Plenty of guys do it. Some even do it without knowing it.

 

[FryFish]

Kissing IS a PHYSICAL affair... and I DOUBT it was just kissing... you dont fly out to kiss somebody...

 

[ms.beesknees]

Funny you said that costa, thats what my husband said.. " theres such thing as an emotional affair??".. and yes I asked him "there had to be a point when you knew you were crossing the line.. was it when she knocked on your hotel door?" He admitted "no it was before that". The funny thing is this is SOOO out of character for him. Do I chalk it up to the 8 months of seperation, etc or do I worry once a cheat always a cheat? Any of you do something like this and then never again? Or is it too tempting to try it again??

 

[Rowan]

My husband had a very intense emotional affair that lasted several years. It wasn't physical because, basically, she friend-zoned him. He got to spend lots of time talking up a hottie and indulging in all the fun, flirty, ego-boosting sexual tension of early dating, along with the rush of getting away with it and doing the forbidden. She got to have a married man ignoring his wife and child to chase her, offering her emotional support, doing fun things with her - and all without ever having to have sex with someone she wasn't all that sexually attracted to.

He was adamant that they were, of course, "just friends".

 

[sigma1299]

I had a full on five alarm EA, but it may not be exactly the comparison you're after because despite the fact that we were never in physically in each others presence there was most definitely a sexual component. I have come to call it a virtual physical affair. Having said that, it was full throttle emotionally to, so maybe it's relevant.

Anyway. Obviously I say yes men can, because I did. I am also with others that the odds that there was no sex are slim. I won't say it's impossible, but he'd be a model of restraint if he's telling you the truth on that one. We're it me, I'd have to assume that they has sex - sorry.

For me, nothing drove me to it, I was drawn into it. Mine was with an old HS GF I hadn't thought of in decades who found me on on FB, you can guess the rest of the story. It happened so fast that before I knew it I was in deep enough that telling my wife qualified as a confession. I kept thinking I could find a way out of the whole mess but of course I couldn't so all the while I'm searching for an exit that isn't there I'm getting in deeper and deeper. The whole thing was an exercise in massive stupidity and selfishness.

As far as ever again?? Not only NO!! but HELL NO!! The interesting thing is my wife and I are reconciling really well. We took the crisis and used it to really communicate and work on our marriage, it's better today than it's ever been and it was good before. It's most certainly different, but it is better, my wife will go so far as to say, "it was worth it." I can't say that - the prices I paid were too great. So no, I would never ever do that again for anyone or anything.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

No, we have no feelings. Men can't love and we find no value in affection or attention.

Just like women cant actually have physical affairs either. Everyone knows its all about emotion for them and women don't really enjoy sex.

 

[TCSRedhead]

You say she flew out from another state to meet him AND stayed in his room and they only 'KISSED'. Please tell me you are not that naive - there was definite sexual contact.

To answer your original question, men and women can have emotional affairs. Pick up the book 'Not Just Friends' to get some additional insight on this.

Also, tell him you want a polygraph. See if his story changes on what really happened that night.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

He said they kissed and that was all.

That's not an EA.That's a PA.

open your eyes.

 

[sinnister]

I'm sorry to say...they did more than kiss.

 

[AngryandUsed]

Pit is right.

Very right.

In 8 months, he cheated? Dont be blissfully ignorant.

Wake up.

 

[NextTimeAround]

My fiance reconnected with someone he had recently dated. I call it an EA because he was not honest with me about her; still maintaining that they were "just" friends and continued contact with her without telling me.

He told me that before he met me, they had attempted sex 3 times. Something about he never finished. So, ok, the sex wasn't all that great with her before he met, according to him, but.......

when she decided to make herself available to him, he avoided sex with me.....which leads me to believe that he was contemplating having sex with her again. So avoiding sex with me would make himself feel more of a good guy if had chosen her over me.

I have seen the e-mails, text messages and FB exchanges between them, there is nothing to suggest that they had sex after he and I started dating. Even the trip they took together, I can see a text message where he said he got a room with 2 single beds.

But it does seem that one pivotal moment between them was when he went in a for a kiss, and he admitted a passionate one, and she rejected him. This occurred about one week after they had finalised their trip together and also on the night that he closed a 3 figure bar tab for her and her friends. So I'm assuming he felt as if her needed to see whether she was open to dating him or not (or if she was just yanking his chain).

A female friend of mine annoyed me by claiming that men will always treat a woman better when she doesn't put out.

They didn't see each other for 2 weeks which was when he stepped up his pursuit of me. Hm. But then told me about her, so I am wondering if he felt guilty at that point about our relationship while he was hoping to have one more chance with her.

Before he left, he said that he wanted to go to the cinema together when he got back but tried to push me to buy the tickets which I refused to do.

the first night of their trip (time stamp after midnight), he e-mailed me telling me that she had a boyfriend, so now we could all be friends. He told me it was her idea that he should tell me since he was worried that we may not get together when he got back. But I do wonder if he had at first made the moves on her,got rejected and then decided to chuck it in.........

So, BeesKnees, you may want to consider at what points did he mention her, or mention that "something was going on." For example, my fiance's first mention of her (indirectly so) was when he asked me if it was ok, if he saw other women but just as friends.

It might be that each time he gave you an indication of her presence, he was at least contemplating moving the relationship "forward" in some way.

 

[TCSRedhead]

My fiance reconnected with someone he had recently dated. I call it an EA because he was not honest with me about her; still maintaining that they were "just" friends and continued contact with her without telling me.

He told me that before he met me, they had attempted sex 3 times. Something about he never finished. So, ok, the sex wasn't all that great with her before he met, according to him, but.......

when she decided to make herself available to him, he avoided sex with me.....which leads me to believe that he was contemplating having sex with her again. So avoiding sex with me would make himself feel more of a good guy if had chosen her over me.

I have seen the e-mails, text messages and FB exchanges between them, there is nothing to suggest that they had sex after he and I started dating. Even the trip they took together, I can see a text message where he said he got a room with 2 single beds. You realize people can have sex on a single bed, right?

But it does seem that one pivotal moment between them was when he went in a for a kiss, and he admitted a passionate one, and she rejected him. This occurred about one week after they had finalised their trip together and also on the night that he closed a 3 figure bar tab for her and her friends. So, he was a wallet for her. Does he behave this generously with you and your friends? So I'm assuming he felt as if her needed to see whether she was open to dating him or not (or if she was just yanking his chain). You're Plan B for this guy - is that acceptable to you?

A female friend of mine annoyed me by claiming that men will always treat a woman better when she doesn't put out.


Before he left, he said that he wanted to go to the cinema together when he got back but tried to push me to buy the tickets which I refused to do. So, he funds her fun but not yours - NICE GUY!!!

the first night of their trip (time stamp after midnight), he e-mailed me telling me that she had a boyfriend, so now we could all be friends. Well, now that she's turned him down, he's looking for a way to keep her on the side line in case she changes her mind. He told me it was her idea that he should tell me since he was worried that we may not get together when he got back. But I do wonder if he had at first made the moves on her,got rejected and then decided to chuck it in.........

You're not married yet, please tell me you're not still going through with this wedding?

 

[NextTimeAround]

You're not married yet, please tell me you're not still going through with this wedding?

That trip was more than 2 years ago. And we hashed things out last year. But how to manage things was what brought me to this board. He has gone no contact with her and full transparency. And never did the how dare you's when I admitted I had snooped.

But of course, I am here to air out still without hassling my fiancé and to find plausible explanations for the still unknown like the OP in the thread.

Just like some people say of their favourite novels, "every time I reread them, I see something new."

In the OP's situation, maybe your H was contemplating moving on to sex with his EA. Sometimes, a partner will try to manufacture reasons to make it ok. for example, did you ever feel as if he was creating arguments between; raising unimportant issues; rehashing ones that you thought were settled.