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I'm speculating here, so please confirm or redirect as required for understanding.

1. You said you have sex with your husband once or twice a month. That's a pretty low rate of physical intimacy.

2. You said your husband prefers kleenex, which is indicative of a lack of desire for you

3. You said (of the adulterous act) it felt good (at the time).

Putting those all together, it sounds like you aren't getting enough physical attention in your marriage and it felt good that someone wanted you physically. The desire to be desired is very powerful, and without it, one can easily feel like there is a gaping hole in ones life. Throw in a party atmosphere, old flames, and a good dose of alcohol, and it's gonna' be easier to abandon ones vows when the marriage doesn't feel like it's on solid ground to begin with.

If this is all so, I think we all agree that it's still no justification for the adultery, but it does help explain the context.

The key for you is that, if that is the case, you don't open with that, and if and when it comes up further down the line, you do everything in you power to keep it from coming across as an excuse for your actions or any kind of blame shifting.
 

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Sorry- those are things a guy can't get over.
The problem is, the OP is going to know she lied to her husband. And, her husband probably knows her better than any other person alive. She will most likely not be able to lie to him without him knowing it. Her body language is going to become a flashing neon sign.

And, when her husband knows she's lying, all the basis of trust upon which any reconciliation could be reached is destroyed. If she lied about this, then the veracity of everything she said comes into dispute.

This is one of those damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't things which are brought on by adultery. It's likely that the marriage will be ruined whether truth or lie is given as an answer. One can only hope her husband doesn't ask.

If her husband does ask, she has the opportunity to additionally point out that his penis size was not a reason why she cheated, and is clearly not a reason why she remained in the affair, because she stopped the affair immediately. His penis size is not, therefore, any factor worthy of consideration in their future life together.

If she "volunteers" the information, not only "he's bigger" but "size does matter" has now been said.

1 Peter 3:17 (KJV)

For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.


It will be better for the OP, going forward, if she loses her marriage, that she lost it because she refused to continue in evil than because she tried to engage in further evil.
 

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@st232

Lets take a step back from the dramatics for a moment.

Can you live with not telling him? Doesn't seem that way based upon your posting. Seems apparent you are remorseful.

If and when you are going to tell him, have a plan. If he wants you to leave, I suggest you know where you are going to go.

Waiting makes it worse. How is your behavior around your husband? Does he think you seem 'off'?

Your post reminds me of a similar circumstance a number of years ago. Female poster, drunk, one night stand. She couldn't even really account for why she made the choice she did. That didn't sit very well with most here, but I believe it was the truth.

Affairs almost always have a way of finding the light of day. Be it sooner, or much, much, later. Years later ... impact on the betrayed spouse will always be as if it happened yesterday.

You fundamentally have 2 choices.

You suck up your guilt, live with it, and go be the best partner you can be to your spouse ... and hope the truth never comes out. (You will have to be the judge of how likely that is)

Or you own what you did, you tell your spouse what happened, and you deal with those consequences.

One choice gives you a clean slate ... that will be very, very, painful for a good long while. The other gives you the facade of a clean slate, one that you will always have to wonder if it will remain that way.

Regardless of the choice you make, you will get through it. You have to. You have young children counting on the fact that you will.
I don't often post on these kinds of threads but this quoted post addresses the options well.

I would like to add that by getting your poor choice out in the open you will take back some control of a very bad situation as the OM can forever hold your indiscretion over your head until you break, forever afraid that if you do keep it silent for the time you can (not in your control), you will suffer constantly in fear of the truth being disclosed.

Whatever your weakness or wherever it lies, and that you really do not know why is a grey you must resolve.

No more alcohol... sans, fini, fini, terminé, accompli, réalisé, done.

Get yourself into individual counseling immediately... understand why your lack of control in this desire took you there.

As @Deejo said, you will get through this, understand that cause and effect is going to play rough with you for a bit but as the change took you into a tough time, change will also bring you back out... understand and accept where you are as you walk back to the middle.

Be strong... I do wish you strength as you make some very hard decisions.
 

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I'm in the camp that you have to tell him. Be very prepared when you do it. Have a timeline ready and be open to answering any/every question he might have. Be prepared for various reactions - explosive anger; silence; leaving the house, etc. Make sure you have read McDonald's 'How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair' and follow the advice the author gives.

You have destroyed the marriage as you knew it, whether you tell or stay quiet. You can't take it back. You just can't. So understand that it is what it is and you have to deal with the consequences. Many people threaten and/or destroy their relationships with infidelity. Your BH deserves the truth of his own life, and you need to accept the results of your actions. Sad, but true.
 

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Maybe you should consider this an exit affair. Something was missing in your heart and your relationship which enabled you to do this. And add in the lack of intimacy in your relationship and it's hard to see the point of continuing the marriage. Those are some pretty terrible indicators for the future of the relationship. Even in the best case, just improving that intimacy problem would be extremely difficult. Add in the cheating and there's just too much bad stuff going on. Take this as a sign it's not working out and move on to other things. It will take years to recover from cheating, but what's the point? Even if you do, I get the feeling that some other problem is going to break you guys up. Ending this and starting on new paths may be the best thing for everyone.
This advice is absolutely ridiculous. It is obvious that the original poster and loves her husband.
 

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I have not read through all the pages of this thread. However, I will warn you that you need to get tested for STIs immediately and preferably get the results before being intimate with your husband.

Be sure to include HPV testing in addition to the usual heavy hitters you can block with condom use.

BTW, I don't know if anyone already asked. Did you use a condom?

You need to be honest with your husband and NOT put any blame on him for your huge, lapse.

If he chooses to leave you, well, that's that.

If he chooses to stay? consider that to be an incredible gift.

BTW 2, if your STI test comes up positive for any kind of infection, you must immediately tell your husband for obvious reasons.
 

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OP,

When it comes to lying, all these guys telling you to lie about it prefer comfortable lies to painful truth. I value truth over everything, and am not at all afraid of going through agony for a while. I know the pain will eventually end.

You know your husband better than anyone. I would suggest honesty regardless, but that is because i place a very high value on truth and honesty. If your husband is like that, then tell him. If YOU are like that, then DEFINITELY tell him. Otherwise, it will erode you.

My wife was completely honest with me, and remorseful. She was willing to do whatever i asked. I do not regret reconciliation at all.
 

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This advice is absolutely ridiculous. It is obvious that the original poster and loves her husband.
I'm sure she does love him, but consider how few stories on TAM about cheating or sexual incompatibility that have a happy ending. They are quite rare. In her case, we have both problems together. Either problem alone is very hard to overcome. I'm just being realistic. Don't go into this thinking it's going to be easy to fix. It's going to be impossibly hard and success is uncertain no matter how hard you work at it. At this point, there is infidelity and the marriage almost qualifies as sexless. Love or not, at some point you need to look at the relationship and see if it's going to work out or not.
 

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This advice is absolutely ridiculous. It is obvious that the original poster and loves her husband.
I'm sure she does love him, but consider how few stories on TAM about cheating or sexual incompatibility that have a happy ending. They are quite rare. In her case, we have both problems together. Either problem alone is very hard to overcome. I'm just being realistic. Don't go into this thinking it's going to be easy to fix. It's going to be impossibly hard and success is uncertain no matter how hard you work at it. At this point, there is infidelity and the marriage almost qualifies as sexless. Love or not, at some point you need to look at the relationship and see if it's going to work out or not.
As soon as I read a post of hers expecting it to be easy, I'll be sure to point that out.
 

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OP,

When it comes to lying, all these guys telling you to lie about it prefer comfortable lies to painful truth. I value truth over everything, and am not at all afraid of going through agony for a while. I know the pain will eventually end.

You know your husband better than anyone. I would suggest honesty regardless, but that is because i place a very high value on truth and honesty. If your husband is like that, then tell him. If YOU are like that, then DEFINITELY tell him. Otherwise, it will erode you.

My wife was completely honest with me, and remorseful. She was willing to do whatever i asked. I do not regret reconciliation at all.
I feel ya, but did your wife tell you the OM was bigger?
That's the only lie that still haunts me today.
 

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Did you receive my private message?

Are both children his?

You don't have to give him the sexual details immediately. Tell him your experience with the details and suggest delaying until he sees an IC first to help him handle the details.

Lying to him is not an option because he may eventually insist you take a polygraph test. It's true the details could cost you your marriage - but it's more likely that getting caught later withholding details will do even more damage to your marriage.

Were you in contact with the OM prior to your trip?
For example, facebook friends?

You were in town for 4-5 days before the party (sex). How often did you see or text or call the OM prior to the party?
Did the OM expect in advance that you would be his date at the party or was he expecting to see you?

I ask because I think your husband will eventually ask (and confirm with a polygraph test).
 

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I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings but good men don't have sex with another man's wife. Good men don't contribute or participate in destroying a marriage with young kids.

From the note the OM sent (and the fact that he's single and doesn't need discretion) he's likely already bragged to at least one of your classmates (and by know many people know). This isn't a secret.
 

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Did you receive my private message?

Are both children his?

You don't have to give him the sexual details immediately. Tell him your experience with the details and suggest delaying until he sees an IC first to help him handle the details.

Lying to him is not an option because he may eventually insist you take a polygraph test. It's true the details could cost you your marriage - but it's more likely that getting caught later withholding details will do even more damage to your marriage.

Were you in contact with the OM prior to your trip?
For example, facebook friends?

You were in town for 4-5 days before the party (sex). How often did you see or text or call the OM prior to the party?
Did the OM expect in advance that you would be his date at the party or was he expecting to see you?

I ask because I think your husband will eventually ask (and confirm with a polygraph test).
No man should be PMing a WW on this forum.
 

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I feel ya, but did your wife tell you the OM was bigger?
That's the only lie that still haunts me today.
at one point, yes. it would have bothered me if she told me that in order to try to hurt me, because of the intention behind it, but not because of the facts being what they are. it also probably would bother me more if i were not able to satisfy my wife in bed, but i am, so i let it go.

to be fair, i do not emotionally respond to things the same way most people do.
 

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Tell him. Whatever he asks you answer. Truthfully.

He may yell. Scream. Cry. Call you names. File for divorce. Have the kids tested to make sure they are his. Everything you say will be suspect. His entire life with you will now be in doubt. The list goes on and on.

You wanted orgasms and some anal. So be it. You had your fun.

Now Own It.
 

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Maybe you should consider this an exit affair. Something was missing in your heart and your relationship which enabled you to do this. And add in the lack of intimacy in your relationship and it's hard to see the point of continuing the marriage. Those are some pretty terrible indicators for the future of the relationship. Even in the best case, just improving that intimacy problem would be extremely difficult. Add in the cheating and there's just too much bad stuff going on. Take this as a sign it's not working out and move on to other things. It will take years to recover from cheating, but what's the point? Even if you do, I get the feeling that some other problem is going to break you guys up. Ending this and starting on new paths may be the best thing for everyone.
This advice is absolutely ridiculous. It is obvious that the original poster and loves her husband.
It is not ridiculous. Love is one thing...in love is another. And guilt does not equal love. In other words, don't waste his time with reconciliation ideas if she is one foot in and one foot out. Give him an amicable divorce and move along.
 

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Dear ST232,

You must understand that good people can sometimes make bad decisions. I do believe you are a good person because you are being torn apart by your conscience. It is my opinion, in your heart, you couldn’t withhold telling your husband about the affair because that is not the type of person you are regardless of the outcome. SunCMars has given you a short but a descriptive process in how to proceed. I’m hoping for the best for you and your family.

Many Blessings,
Dreamer
You will need to tell him. I agree with the above post. Your conscience is like a shaken can of soda ready to explode from the guilt you feel. You need to confess for your benefit also.
 
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