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My husband prefers kleenex. We have sex once or twice a month. So no he hasn't noticed.
He'll be using it a little differently now.....:(
 

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Discussion Starter #102
My MIL wants to take my boys for the weekend so that's when I have to tell my husband. I'm shaking from thinking about it. I flat out say what I did? No build up? I hate myself...
 

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@st232

Lets take a step back from the dramatics for a moment.

Can you live with not telling him? Doesn't seem that way based upon your posting. Seems apparent you are remorseful.

If and when you are going to tell him, have a plan. If he wants you to leave, I suggest you know where you are going to go.

Waiting makes it worse. How is your behavior around your husband? Does he think you seem 'off'?

Your post reminds me of a similar circumstance a number of years ago. Female poster, drunk, one night stand. She couldn't even really account for why she made the choice she did. That didn't sit very well with most here, but I believe it was the truth.

Affairs almost always have a way of finding the light of day. Be it sooner, or much, much, later. Years later ... impact on the betrayed spouse will always be as if it happened yesterday.

You fundamentally have 2 choices.

You suck up your guilt, live with it, and go be the best partner you can be to your spouse ... and hope the truth never comes out. (You will have to be the judge of how likely that is)

Or you own what you did, you tell your spouse what happened, and you deal with those consequences.

One choice gives you a clean slate ... that will be very, very, painful for a good long while. The other gives you the facade of a clean slate, one that you will always have to wonder if it will remain that way.

Regardless of the choice you make, you will get through it. You have to. You have young children counting on the fact that you will.
 

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"depriving the BS of critical information, denying him his right to make a decision based on the whole truth, not some watered down lie."

Are you mis understanding intentionally? No one has said the betrayed spouse should be deprived of information. What we are saying is that he gets to decide how much he wants to know. There is no reason to preemptively write a blow-by-blow sex of novel. Know… there is not. However, she should answer every question that he asks.
The novel is written if BH requests the novel.
 

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My MIL wants to take my boys for the weekend so that's when I have to tell my husband. I'm shaking from thinking about it. I flat out say what I did? No build up? I hate myself...
It is a good time to tell all while the kids are away. Yes, sit your H down and state the facts. No beating around the bush. No half truths. Be prepared for your H reaction.
 

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"depriving the BS of critical information, denying him his right to make a decision based on the whole truth, not some watered down lie."

Are you mis understanding intentionally? No one has said the betrayed spouse should be deprived of information. What we are saying is that he gets to decide how much he wants to know. There is no reason to preemptively write a blow-by-blow sex of novel. Know… there is not. However, she should answer every question that he asks.
I get that. If he doesn't want to know or thinks that level of detail need not be a part of his decision, that's entirely up to him.

There are just too many "even if you tell him about the affair, don't tell him about this aspect of it" posts, made without regard to his wants or needs. The focus in those posts was squarely on withholding certain aspects of the issue.
 

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So I'll ask because nobody else will. Would it be normal that you'd be gone since the 19th, this is the 30th now, and there'd be no sex after you got back from the trip? I'm admittedly HD but still, makes me wonder if you've had issues in your marriage regarding HD/LD/whatever prior to this? Your husband's reaction to what went on could be ballistic if, for example, you've been reluctant to initiate or have sex in general, then you go off on this trip and...

Just seems a bit odd that you haven't mentioned any difficulty in keeping things at bay, sexually, until you get the blood test.
My husband prefers kleenex. We have sex once or twice a month. So no he hasn't noticed.
The way you worded this gives me the idea that sex may be a source of frustration in your marriage. At some point, unless your husband just walks away at the very beginning, he will probably try to take some responsibility for your choices if you are high drive and he has not been having sex with you. It would be easy to let him do that period don't let him do that period any sexual issues in your marriage are separate from your choice to cheat. I lived with a basically a sexual husband. I know how much it hurts. But do not let that mitigate your choices. It does both you and your husband a great disservice.
 

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@st232

Lets take a step back from the dramatics for a moment.

Can you live with not telling him? Doesn't seem that way based upon your posting. Seems apparent you are remorseful.

If and when you are going to tell him, have a plan. If he wants you to leave, I suggest you know where you are going to go.

Waiting makes it worse. How is your behavior around your husband? Does he think you seem 'off'?

Your post reminds me of a similar circumstance a number of years ago. Female poster, drunk, one night stand. She couldn't even really account for why she made the choice she did. That didn't sit very well with most here, but I believe it was the truth.

Affairs almost always have a way of finding the light of day. Be it sooner, or much, much, later. Years later ... impact on the betrayed spouse will always be as if it happened yesterday.

You fundamentally have 2 choices.

You suck up your guilt, live with it, and go be the best partner you can be to your spouse ... and hope the truth never comes out. (You will have to be the judge of how likely that is)

Or you own what you did, you tell your spouse what happened, and you deal with those consequences.

One choice gives you a clean slate ... that will be very, very, painful for a good long while. The other gives you the facade of a clean slate, one that you will always have to wonder if it will remain that way.

Regardless of the choice you make, you will get through it. You have to. You have young children counting on the fact that you will.
This post ignores the fact that her husband has every right to know what happened. She doesn't really have a "choice" of whether to tell him or not.
 

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My MIL wants to take my boys for the weekend so that's when I have to tell my husband. I'm shaking from thinking about it. I flat out say what I did? No build up? I hate myself...
My wife told me the OM was bigger....It devastates me even today.
I've been divorced over a year now...

I really hate to say this....but yes....Lie about it, if it's true. Tell him a little smaller.
Don't hesitate when he asks...be ready. He will probably ask.
Do not say I don't remember or not really.

See there are things we can fix as men.....that's not one them.

It haunts me to this day...
 

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He's texted me two days later to take a naked picture and send it to him. I did NOT take pictures with anyone. I understand I suck as a wife but that's lower than I'd go. Just no.
It's good that there are no pictures, this OM sounds kind like an A hole, from the note and from having sex with you when you were passed out.
If there were pics he might send to your H, just to be an A hole. There are threads where trophy pictures turn up after the fact.

They say when you are going through hell to keep going. Tell the truth, don;t blame him even for your 2 x month sex life.
 

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My MIL wants to take my boys for the weekend so that's when I have to tell my husband. I'm shaking from thinking about it. I flat out say what I did? No build up? I hate myself...
Yes. Tell him in a straight forward and gentle manner. Do not spend 5 minutes giving background information. That is just torture, and he will figure out what is coming halfway through it. Be honest, be humble, and backup your remercie with action.
 

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My MIL wants to take my boys for the weekend so that's when I have to tell my husband. I'm shaking from thinking about it. I flat out say what I did? No build up? I hate myself...
Can you write a letter and then sit him down and give him the letter to read?
 

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"depriving the BS of critical information, denying him his right to make a decision based on the whole truth, not some watered down lie."

Are you mis understanding intentionally? No one has said the betrayed spouse should be deprived of information. What we are saying is that he gets to decide how much he wants to know. There is no reason to preemptively write a blow-by-blow sex of novel. Know… there is not. However, she should answer every question that he asks.
The novel is written if BH requests the novel.
Well, duh, am I speaking Chinese? I think that has been made abundantly clear.
 

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ST232,

Generally men are most interested in the sexual details, so please don't lie, minimize or omit. Your H may sense your dishonesty and never recover.

Please don't even kiss your H you are putting him at risk for oral and throat cancer.
https://oralcancerfoundation.org/understanding/hpv/hpv-oral-cancer-facts/

Your H may have a very hard time understanding how you can have a ONS but sex with him only once or twice a month.

Offer to take a polygraph to assure him there are not more affairs and that he has the whole truth.
 

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ST232,

Generally men are most interested in the sexual details, so please don't lie, minimize or omit. Your H may sense your dishonesty and never recover.

Please don't even kiss your H you are putting him at risk for oral and throat cancer.
https://oralcancerfoundation.org/understanding/hpv/hpv-oral-cancer-facts/

Your H may have a very hard time understanding how you can have a ONS but sex with him only once or twice a month.

Offer to take a polygraph to assure him there are not more affairs and that he has the whole truth.

Yes, tell him whatever he asks.

If one read her comment about her husband preferring Kleenex, one can logically infer that her husband is the one not interested in having sex.

I get that cheating wives are triggering, but I swear emotion clouds people's objective reading skills.
1st, yes definitely tell him everything he asks. 2nd, if one reads her
 

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Maybe you should consider this an exit affair. Something was missing in your heart and your relationship which enabled you to do this. And add in the lack of intimacy in your relationship and it's hard to see the point of continuing the marriage. Those are some pretty terrible indicators for the future of the relationship. Even in the best case, just improving that intimacy problem would be extremely difficult. Add in the cheating and there's just too much bad stuff going on. Take this as a sign it's not working out and move on to other things. It will take years to recover from cheating, but what's the point? Even if you do, I get the feeling that some other problem is going to break you guys up. Ending this and starting on new paths may be the best thing for everyone.
 

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Sorry to hear about the situation that you are in.

You are being given some great advice on here to help you and your husband through the first part of this.

Some comments you made in posts after seem to indicate that your marriage, at least on the intimate side of things, is not so good.

As it was mentioned, I can see how you got yourself into this situation when many factors are considered and come into play.


The bottom line is that you did cheat on your marriage and husband and he does have the right to know about it from you.

It is natural to feel scared about telling him and about the future after that.

You said you were cheated on before so you will have at least some idea of what he is going to go through.

Unfortunately, it is up to you to make things as easy as possible for your husband to hear about this and then the both of you need to decide how to move forward.

Good luck.
 

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Whether or not you've had sex with your husband since your return should figure into the choice you finally make. You've had unprotected sex and god only knows what the OM has been up to for the last 10 years. STD testing is necessary.
 

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My wife told me the OM was bigger....It devastates me even today.
I've been divorced over a year now...

I really hate to say this....but yes....Lie about it, if it's true. Tell him a little smaller.
Don't hesitate when he asks...be ready. He will probably ask.
Do not say I don't remember or not really.

See there are things we can fix as men.....that's not one them.

It haunts me to this day...
You got that right. There has to be some lying involved, not matter what people want to believe.

Lie about the size, lie about the number of times, and where things (ahem) went.

Sorry- those are things a guy can't get over.
 
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