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I know that it looks bad. It is bad. I don't know if it was 2 times or 3 times. It was back to back, fell asleep, once more, fell asleep. Three times start to finish so I say 3 times squeezed into 5 hours. My husband might have his own opinion on it.
To drunkenly have sex with another man and calling it a mistake is stretching it in my opinion but I can see how it could happen.
Three times? not a chance, and I’m beginning to think if he hadn’t left the room you would still be there.
Is the “thanks for the lay” note what’s really upsetting you or the fact that you were seen by other people. Did you believe what you were doing was somehow different than every other married person who cheats on their spouse,something “special”. I have news for you it wasn’t. Your just another statistic in the history of people cheating because they have the opportunity and they think they can get away with it.
Would you honestly be this bothered if your brother hadn’t seen you?
 

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The fact that you left early and racked with guilt with what you’ve done and want to confess is a positive in my book. It is always better to come clean on your own than for your BH to find out by someone that OM May have bragged to.

The negarÃ*an negative is going to be that you explored something new with OM that you haven’t done with your BH. You said it was something that your husband never showed an interest in doing. I’m guessing you had anal with this guy. Just know that just because he never asked for it or tried to get you to try it, doesn’t mean he didn’t fantasize about doing that with you. He may have feared you would reject him or judge him.

If that was the 1st time you ever did that, it makes it that much worse because to the male mind, you would have been giving this guy a virgin spot. Which means you were being even more submissive to the OM than you are to him. So if he doesn’t ask that question , maybe you shouldn’t mention it.
 

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Discussion Starter #84
To drunkenly have sex with another man and calling it a mistake is stretching it in my opinion but I can see how it could happen.
Three times? not a chance, and I’m beginning to think if he hadn’t left the room you would still be there.
Is the “thanks for the lay” note what’s really upsetting you or the fact that you were seen by other people. Did you believe what you were doing was somehow different than every other married person who cheats on their spouse,something “special”. I have news for you it wasn’t. Your just another statistic in the history of people cheating because they have the opportunity and they think they can get away with it.
Would you honestly be this bothered if your brother hadn’t seen you?
Being drunk isnt an excuse. It made what I did easier. I know how I get when I'm drunk and chose to drink anyway. I was just as drunk when the sex started as when it finished. The last time by the time I woke up and came to he was already in me. The first two times were more like one long time. I couldn't have left the bed if I wanted to. I crawled to the bathroom to throw up... my proudest moment.

The note didn't feel good but that isn't why I'm upset... I cheated on my husband. I broke my vows 2 years after I made them. I wanted to take a bleach bath, go home and be with my husband and forget what I did. I don't want either of them. I'm not upset about a note I'm upset that I cheated on my husband. I could have predicted the note. I didn't want him 15 years ago and don't now either.

It has nothing to do with my brother. We're twins. He's my best friend. He'd have known something was wrong without seeing anything.
 

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Of course... but sometimes confessions are good for nothing... :) I'm not defending her actions, I wonder whether the kids should come first. We know what's wrong, but we don't know if putting a wrong right will be right.
Keeping a secret of that magnitude might break a person :(
 

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I can change my number and say not to contact me again. I don't want any contact at all. Do I do that now or wait for my husband to tell me to? Now seems better, no?
In my mind, now is better, yes. Just be able to prove to your husband what you said, exactly, word-for-word, and when you said it.

I'm supposed to tell my husband who was bigger? That seems like one question to lie about.
I'm hard-pressed to answer this. My core beliefs are not in favor of lying. But, I think sometimes the truth can be very cruel and detrimental. I suppose I have to say give the truth, if you are asked for it. You may consider praying that you aren't asked.

I, for one, was so humiliated and embarrassed by it that I developed psychological ED for a few months. And, in the final analysis, I chose to leave the relationship because sex with her became too painful emotionally. I came to the point where I abstained, refused, and avoided sex.

The really sad part of this is that I don't know it was really "truth". I think she may have said it as a "blame-shift", because couple years down the road, she asked me "....what if I were to tell you it was a lie....".... of course, now that she said that, I could have never been convinced that she lied.

I didn't ask.
 

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As a person that had a drunken ONS years ago, I understand what you mean about the number of times. I am not sure why you are getting so much grief for that, but I know that in my experience we had sex twice. It is similar to an alcoholic having a drink, knowing they need to stop but only able to find solace in another drink. Possibly the next drink wont be a lie and bring disaster. Somehow, it made some sort of sense, even though it is logically ridiculous.

When you tell your husband, I would focus on saying it was one night. Rather than multiple times in a day, because that is more of a portrait of what happened. If you start with it was 2-3 times, it will seem like an all day thing with breaks in between where you made new choices to do it again.
 

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To drunkenly have sex with another man and calling it a mistake is stretching it in my opinion but I can see how it could happen.
Three times?
I'll disagree with the "3 times" being so much worse than once. If it were once and then she broke down and fled the room, fine, but otherwise what difference does it make if it was once or five times? The story sounds more sordid if it's multiple times and perhaps in different ways than with her husband, but I just don't see it making a difference in terms of breaking her promise to her husband. One guy, one night. Would it really seem better if she was drunk and had sex backed up against a trash can outside a bar?

The focus on the tawdry is instructive only in terms of thinking what might be going through her husband's mind. But on TAM it often seems to play out like a "No, you're more shameful than that" game. What matters most is how her husband will react, rather than whatever label people here choose to place on what she did. Admittedly though, there is a connection, since the gamut of reactions here might help prepare her for what happens next.
 

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As a person that had a drunken ONS years ago, I understand what you mean about the number of times. I am not sure why you are getting so much grief for that, but I know that in my experience we had sex twice. It is similar to an alcoholic having a drink, knowing they need to stop but only able to find solace in another drink. Possibly the next drink wont be a lie and bring disaster. Somehow, it made some sort of sense, even though it is logically ridiculous.

When you tell your husband, I would focus on saying it was one night. Rather than multiple times in a day, because that is more of a portrait of what happened. If you start with it was 2-3 times, it will seem like an all day thing with breaks in between where you made new choices to do it again.
Yeah, that will soften the blow. Sheesh.....
 

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I'm not going to have sex with my husband until I have an STD test. My doctor said it's too early to test.
So I'll ask because nobody else will. Would it be normal that you'd be gone since the 19th, this is the 30th now, and there'd be no sex after you got back from the trip? I'm admittedly HD but still, makes me wonder if you've had issues in your marriage regarding HD/LD/whatever prior to this? Your husband's reaction to what went on could be ballistic if, for example, you've been reluctant to initiate or have sex in general, then you go off on this trip and...

Just seems a bit odd that you haven't mentioned any difficulty in keeping things at bay, sexually, until you get the blood test.
 

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The devil is in the details. Let's call it sugar coating. It goes down easier.
At this point, aren't we trying to help her feed her husband a **** sandwich the best way possible? I am not advocating for her to lie or hide anything.

She came here looking for help, it is pretty clear she already has enough in her feeling like ****, why do we need to berate her more?

People here are harping on 3 times!!! 3 times!!!! What a *****, you loved it and you want to do it again, you want to film it and make your husband watch. You want to do it again and run home so your husband can go down on you right after, because you are a dirty *****!

None of that is helpful in getting people to move to places of healing. I know that this place has a hard time thinking that the WS might be in pain, but along with being responsible, they are also in pain.
 

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I did some things I haven't with my husband but he's never asked or tried to do them. I know it will be the worst part though but I can't hide it. The cocky thanks for the lay note wasn't written by me it was left for me to find in the morning. I haven't engaged in any texting or talking since falling asleep that night.

My brother won't say anything but I don't trust anyone on the other side not to. My husband could get a message right now saying what happened. I was the only married person with something to lose. I've been asked to text pictures. I haven't and never would.

I can change my number and say not to contact me again. I don't want any contact at all. Do I do that now or wait for my husband to tell me to? Now seems better, no?

Did you communicate with the OM prior to the trip?Are you facebook friends? I was facebook friends but I'm not active on facebook. We didn't talk before the trip. There was a like on my comment that I was going, in the reunion group. I deleted them from my friends list.

I'm supposed to tell my husband who was bigger? That seems like one question to lie about.
Do NOT take any action before telling your husband.

ANY action you take before then will be seen as deception.
 

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"depriving the BS of critical information, denying him his right to make a decision based on the whole truth, not some watered down lie."

Are you mis understanding intentionally? No one has said the betrayed spouse should be deprived of information. What we are saying is that he gets to decide how much he wants to know. There is no reason to preemptively write a blow-by-blow sex of novel. Know… there is not. However, she should answer every question that he asks.
 

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Discussion Starter #97
When were you asked to do this?
Did you take pictures with the OM?
Or does he want new pictures?
He's texted me two days later to take a naked picture and send it to him. I did NOT take pictures with anyone. I understand I suck as a wife but that's lower than I'd go. Just no.
 

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"I'm supposed to tell my husband who was bigger? That seems like one question to lie about."

Only if he asks

I do not mean to sound jaded Kama but there are some betrayed husbands on forums who will tell you to do things that are intentionally destructive because they want your husband to leave you. Every wayward wife is a proxy for their own.
 

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Discussion Starter #99
So I'll ask because nobody else will. Would it be normal that you'd be gone since the 19th, this is the 30th now, and there'd be no sex after you got back from the trip? I'm admittedly HD but still, makes me wonder if you've had issues in your marriage regarding HD/LD/whatever prior to this? Your husband's reaction to what went on could be ballistic if, for example, you've been reluctant to initiate or have sex in general, then you go off on this trip and...

Just seems a bit odd that you haven't mentioned any difficulty in keeping things at bay, sexually, until you get the blood test.
My husband prefers kleenex. We have sex once or twice a month. So no he hasn't noticed.
 

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OP, I suggest you talk to your brother. Then tell your husband EVERYTHING he asks for.

"I don't want to give him the specific sexual details... I've asked for those details in my past and I regret doing that. Do I write the timeline before I talk to him? It has to be a play by play of that day? I'm not making a play by play of the sex..."

What you asked for in your past situation has NO bearing on this event at all.
Men think much differently than women.
I would not withhold anything he asked for......good luck.
 
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