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You still haven't provided info that was asked. Well, how many times did you "do it" ? All in one go or over more that one day. Three times in one day.


Who initiated ? I didn't initiate but flirted and went along with it.

Where did you do it ? My hotel room.

Did you do anything that you did not do with your husband ? Yes

Is the POSOM married ? No

What was said when you were leaving (how did you leave it with the POSOM)? A note that said thanks for the lay and a text. I haven't responded to texts.

Did you use protection ? No

Who else knows about this ? On my side my brother.

I would take it back if I could :(
I would have said, take it to your grave as I can tell you feel like crap, and never go back to a reunion. But since your brother knows, you are screwed. You have to confess.

I think you are a good person- this is just another example of why married people really, REALLY, need to watch their boundaries. A little booze and things can spin out of control.

And he did things your hubby doesn't get to do? Oh boy. You are going to have to tell him.
 

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Two points I'll add...

One if you tell him, tell him all of it. The first time. Write it down if you have to. Trickle truth is the worst. And if you're going to tell him the sooner the better. Answer all of his questions with 100% truthfulness. Once you tell him be nothing but 100% honest. Let him decide what questions he wants to ask regarding details but if he ask tell him.

Two. I hear you that this was a ONS but what happens if this guy starts messaging you? What happens if he suddenly shows up at your door? This is a guy from your past, presumably some sort of old flame. The problem with old flames is they very seldom go all the way out. Think hard about what happens if he reappears. Odds are probably better that he will than that he wont.

It's a tough spot you've put you both in. I can see the logic behind those that say don't tell. Me. I could never have lived with the secret.
 

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You still haven't provided info that was asked. Well, how many times did you "do it" ? All in one go or over more that one day. Three times in one day.


Who initiated ? I didn't initiate but flirted and went along with it.

Where did you do it ? My hotel room.

Did you do anything that you did not do with your husband ? Yes

Is the POSOM married ? No

What was said when you were leaving (how did you leave it with the POSOM)? A note that said thanks for the lay and a text. I haven't responded to texts.

Did you use protection ? No

Who else knows about this ? On my side my brother.

I would take it back if I could :(
You do realise that you could be pregnant don't you?.
 

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Did you do anything that you did not do with your husband ? Yes

What was said when you were leaving (how did you leave it with the POSOM)? A note that said thanks for the lay and a text. I haven't responded to texts.
The fact that you have not responded to the OM is BIG.

"thanks for the lay" and doing things you didn't do with your husband are both DEADLY POISON, and will work against reconciliation. Please avoid these details, if possible. They are not germane to your marriage, any more than if you did things with prior-to-marriage sexual partners that you don't do with your husband.

If you have refused to do any of these things with your husband, but did them with an AP, that is double-trouble. Be as careful as you can to not reveal this, if that is possible.


I would take it back if I could :(
I believe you. I fully believe that statement from you. That kind of statement, to your husband, is BIG. "BIG" will go away completely when you are "caught", but right now, BIG is in effect.
@personofinterest is still coming down exactly right here.
 

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Two points I'll add...

One if you tell him, tell him all of it. The first time. Write it down if you have to. Trickle truth is the worst. And if you're going to tell him the sooner the better. Answer all of his questions with 100% truthfulness. Once you tell him be nothing but 100% honest. Let him decide what questions he wants to ask regarding details but if he ask tell him.

Two. I hear you that this was a ONS but what happens if this guy starts messaging you? What happens if he suddenly shows up at your door? This is a guy from your past, presumably some sort of old flame. The problem with old flames is they very seldom go all the way out. Think hard about what happens if he reappears. Odds are probably better that he will than that he wont.

It's a tough spot you've put you both in. I can see the logic behind those that say don't tell. Me. I could never have lived with the secret.
Very good points.

Your husband may want you to send him a no-contact letter. Let your husband decide this. Be willing to CHANGE all your contact info if necessary.

I would add Surviving an Affair to your reading list as well.
 

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Your husband may want you to send him a no-contact letter. Let your husband decide this.
If that is what your husband wants, my advice is that you drop EVERYTHING you have on your plate, until you send, in your husband's presence, that exact no-contact, and let the entire tense of your statement be FOREVER.

Do not delay 5 seconds about doing this. This is BIG, and no future contact for any reason is the only way to keep BIG. Any compromise will take away BIG.
Any delay will take away BIG.

Do not make this any kind of "Dear John" letter. Use one very short sentence like "I want you to stay the hell out of my life forever". Speak in no ambiguity.

We men will write everything that we say to you here in the public view, we do not need any private medium.
 

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I think there is something to be said for that. It depends whether there is any risk of it getting found out.
Like you, I know this view will not be popular with the betrayed spouses on the board. It sounds like "getting away with it". But it also spares husband and children a lot of pain.
That's still a cop out though. It's not about whether or not one "gets away with it." It's about both partners having an accurate picture of who they are living with and the knowledge required to respond accordingly.

It also has nothing to do with probability of getting caught. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

Every day this tale goes untold is another day this marriage is founded on a lie. Perpetuation of lies is not good. Period.
 

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You still haven't provided info that was asked. Well, how many times did you "do it" ? All in one go or over more that one day. Three times in one day.


Who initiated ? I didn't initiate but flirted and went along with it.

Where did you do it ? My hotel room.

Did you do anything that you did not do with your husband ? Yes

Is the POSOM married ? No

What was said when you were leaving (how did you leave it with the POSOM)? A note left for me that said thanks for the lay and a text. I haven't responded to texts.

Did you use protection ? No

Who else knows about this ? On my side my brother.

I would take it back if I could :(
MASSIVE Danger zone here. That's gonna' be a major problem right there.
 

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The fact that you have not responded to the OM is BIG.

"thanks for the lay" and doing things you didn't do with your husband are both DEADLY POISON, and will work against reconciliation. Please avoid these details, if possible. They are not germane to your marriage, any more than if you did things with prior-to-marriage sexual partners that you don't do with your husband.

If you have refused to do any of these things with your husband, but did them with an AP, that is double-trouble. Be as careful as you can to not reveal this, if that is possible.




I believe you. I fully believe that statement from you. That kind of statement, to your husband, is BIG. "BIG" will go away completely when you are "caught", but right now, BIG is in effect.

@personofinterest is still coming down exactly right here.
How the hell is this not germane?
First of all, what was done outside the marriage while married has ZERO equivalence with what may have been done with others before the marriage. NONE.
Second, if she was willing to do intimate things with another she is not willing to do with her husband, that is a very telling dynamic that most definitely plays a part in the state of her marriage. Hiding that is every bit as evil as hiding that she even committed adultery in the first place. If you share that you had sex with someone else but hide that you did different things, that is still deceit, worst of all, depriving the BS of critical information, denying him his right to make a decision based on the whole truth, not some watered down lie.
 

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You still haven't provided info that was asked. Well, how many times did you "do it" ? All in one go or over more that one day. Three times in one day.


Who initiated ? I didn't initiate but flirted and went along with it.

Where did you do it ? My hotel room.

Did you do anything that you did not do with your husband ? Yes

Is the POSOM married ? No

What was said when you were leaving (how did you leave it with the POSOM)? A note left for me that said thanks for the lay and a text. I haven't responded to texts.

Did you use protection ? No

Who else knows about this ? On my side my brother.

I would take it back if I could :(

Sorry friend. I do not see much recovery in your marriage from this. Sorry for your H.
 

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Discussion Starter #75 (Edited)
I did some things I haven't with my husband but he's never asked or tried to do them. I know it will be the worst part though but I can't hide it. The cocky thanks for the lay note wasn't written by me it was left for me to find in the morning. I haven't engaged in any texting or talking since falling asleep that night.

My brother won't say anything but I don't trust anyone on the other side not to. My husband could get a message right now saying what happened. I was the only married person with something to lose. I've been asked to text pictures. I haven't and never would.

I can change my number and say not to contact me again. I don't want any contact at all. Do I do that now or wait for my husband to tell me to? Now seems better, no?

Did you communicate with the OM prior to the trip?Are you facebook friends? I was facebook friends but I'm not active on facebook. We didn't talk before the trip. There was a like on my comment that I was going, in the reunion group. I deleted them from my friends list.

I'm supposed to tell my husband who was bigger? That seems like one question to lie about.
 

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Here is the thing, 3 times in one day is not an accident or a "mistake". One and oops. I screwed up badly. Three times???? How do you believe this will look to your H?
 

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Just don't tell him... if you can live with it. You made a silly mistake and you won't do it again. If you tell him, your family and marriage will be destroyed and your children will suffer. I don't condone it, but think about your kids first. Lots of people won't agree with me over this, so I await the nuclear fallout now... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" >:)</a>
I agree in some respects, but the only problem is what if he finds out on his own? The fallout from an affair and then lying about it will make it 100x worse in his eyes. She is rolling the dice in that situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #79
Here is the thing, 3 times in one day is not an accident or a "mistake". One and oops. I screwed up badly. Three times???? How do you believe this will look to your H?
I know that it looks bad. It is bad. I don't know if it was 2 times or 3 times. It was back to back, fell asleep, once more, fell asleep. Three times start to finish so I say 3 times squeezed into 5 hours. My husband might have his own opinion on it.
 

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I know that it looks bad. It is bad. I don't know if it was 2 times or 3 times. It was back to back, fell asleep, once more, fell asleep. Three times start to finish so I say 3 times squeezed into 5 hours. My husband might have his own opinion on it.
I can assure it will not be a favorable opinion. However, I'm sorry it has happened. Hope it works out for your marriage.
 
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