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You are free to put me on ignore

If you read the entire thread, you see that I encouraged the OP to come clean, I encouraged her to take full responsibility. I recommended books and ways to make amends.

Once her husband's past and his reaction to her confession came to light, I turned my attention to HER welfare because, quite frankly, there were already enough people positioned to remind her that she cheated.

A man who yells at his wife every day of their marriage (I don't know where the 2 years thing came from because she was CLEAR that it has always been an every day thing), who lies to police, who locks her out of the house, who threatens to use their children as punishment, and who spreads slander and libel about mental illness and pregnancies (HE seems to be the one embellishing) is not someone she needs to cower under and cater to right now. Yes, remorse and change is VERY important. However, giving power to someone who is behaving the way her husband is is just inviting more abuse.

It goes back to a post I made in the middle of the thread - are people responsible for their own choices, or aren't they? We cannot say "she is responsible for her choice to cheat no matter what" and then say "Oh, well, he is only acting this way because he found out she cheated."

OP, my advice to you would be to keep working on yourself and your own issues, make amends in the ways you can safely do so. However do NOT open yourself up to more abuse, and protect your rights as a person and as a mother fiercely.
She is confused between loyalty and taking care of herself. That's what she is. I hope she finds out what she needs to do and the sooner the better. Choose one option or the other but get it done.

I completely agree with your last statement.

Either these two need a complete rebuild or they need to part ways.

Just understand, the other posters here aren't the enemy unless one steps way out of line. Secondwind and Dreamer seem like really good people to contribute here for a while. I will admit. This is not my primary board. I just thik the focus should be on her and not other posters and I get caught up in the crap too so I get it

However, I have tremendous experience in this area and I can read through some things but in this world of cheating and DV, nothing is absolute. Part of me wants them to survive, part of me thinks it's best that they end it.

And you are right, she is responsible for her own choice.
 

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Don't put personofinterest on ignore so she can derail threads at will. Report her.

OP I hope the infighting started by personofinterest doesn't keep you from posting.

How are you doing today? Where did you sleep last night? Have you seen a lawyer?
I am glad you are here with us btw. Keep contributing !!! Your thoughts mean a lot
 

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Name calling, character assassination, yelling, patronizing, dismissiveness, "joking", sarcasm, insults of your appearance, pushing buttons.

Threats, direct orders, outbursts, unpredictable, walk out.

Blaming you for their problems, saying you have no sense of humor, trivializing, denying their abuse, goading then blaming.

Demanding respect, shutting down communication, dehumanizing you, withholding affection, turning you out, calling you needy, indifference, dispute your feelings.
st232, every bit of this is ABUSE.

You can't recognize it because you're in the middle of it and you've been mentally beaten down to the point of not believing in yourself. PLEASE find a therapist and start going. You need help dealing with this from a professional who will help you see your options and what's right and wrong, ok? Please find someone today.
 

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I'm a bad mom for staying. I'm a bad mom for going. I'm a bad mom for ruining my kids lives. I'm a bad mom for risking my kids wellbeing. Even if I divorce my kids will see him regardless because he's the dad I picked for them. I wouldn't have had my first if I knew this was how it was going to be. He wasn't like this before and its my fault because he wasn't like this before being with me.
How do you know he wasn't like this before he was with you - you weren't WITH him. That's illogical.

And if you give your kids ONE home out of two that is loving, healthy, free, and nondysfunctional, they will be able to grow up understanding what good looks like, and will be able to CHOOSE that as they grow up. If all they grow up in is abuse, abuse will be what they live with as adults.
 

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Moderator Warning:-

No more threadjacks, please. And no more attacks on other members.

If you can't stand reading the posts of some members, do NOT hijack a thread where someone is desperate for help to attack the other member.
 

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How do you know he wasn't like this before he was with you - you weren't WITH him. That's illogical.
You so correctly and fully understand that your choice to cheat was not your husband's fault. You are right to have confessed and forsaken your own sinful actions. This is commendable. You are still very much in the "knee-jerk" period for him.

Please also understand, that your husband's choices in the way he treats you, and in his own fornication, are not your fault. Not in any way. Your husband has, most likely, been this kind of individual long before you and will, without intervention and professional help, continue in the same choices and behavior.

It is good that he is being faithful to his marital vows, and he needs to come to a place of repentance for mistreating you. His "too much work" and kleenex preference show me that he is a self-centered person who sorely needs to come into a right relationship with his Lord and be a good husband in the coming days. I do not condone the things he has done in the past, nor do I condone what he is doing in the present.

I'm looking forward to reading here how you two have gotten some wise counsel and are working upon fixing the marital problems you have.
 

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You so correctly and fully understand that your choice to cheat was not your husband's fault. You are right to have confessed and forsaken your own sinful actions. This is commendable. You are still very much in the "knee-jerk" period for him.

Please also understand, that your husband's choices in the way he treats you, and in his own fornication, are not your fault. Not in any way. Your husband has, most likely, been this kind of individual long before you and will, without intervention and professional help, continue in the same choices and behavior.

It is good that he is being faithful to his marital vows, and he needs to come to a place of repentance for mistreating you. His "too much work" and kleenex preference show me that he is a self-centered person who sorely needs to come into a right relationship with his Lord and be a good husband in the coming days. I do not condone the things he has done in the past, nor do I condone what he is doing in the present.

I'm looking forward to reading here how you two have gotten some wise counsel and are working upon fixing the marital problems you have.
excellent post. Thanks. 100% correct
 

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Last T/J, for OP's sake: Considering that 95% of all abuse happens to women, that's not much of a curve. Disgusting bias much?
Actually that is dead wrong. Abuse is evenly spread. Physical abuse has a slightly larger % of male perpetrators but it's not very much large. At the same time abuse in the form of verbal and emotional have a slightly larger % of women perpetraitors.

There are a lot of studies you can easely google that shows this.

Basically men and women are equally abusive.
 

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I'm a bad mom for staying. I'm a bad mom for going. I'm a bad mom for ruining my kids lives. I'm a bad mom for risking my kids wellbeing. Even if I divorce my kids will see him regardless because he's the dad I picked for them. I wouldn't have had my first if I knew this was how it was going to be. He wasn't like this before and its my fault because he wasn't like this before being with me. I don't want my kids with him 50% of the time. He doesn't yell at them as much as me and he doesn't hit or push them but he could. I know how leaving can go and what can happen and that isn't worth the risk to me. My real mom died leaving. She did everything right to leave and when the day came she died. I can't leave and I need my husband to stay with me. If I was a better wife my husband would treat me better.
That bold part makes me realy scared for you. It is NEVER the abused persons fault! I seriously want you to tack to a therapist. You realy need to, both for your self and defonately for your kids!
 

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That bold part makes me realy scared for you. It is NEVER the abused persons fault! I seriously want you to tack to a therapist. You realy need to, both for your self and defonately for your kids!
That statement made me recoil as well.
@st232



First of all, if you were so bad, he wouldn't or at least shouldn't have married you. He has ZERO reason to complain about who you are. He knew who you were and he married you. NO FAULT OF YOURS THERE!

Now, even more relevant, is that based on what you've told us, we all know now, as you know, that your husband has mistreated you for years. This is NOT because of you being a bad wife or who you are, but rather an indication of who HE is. Period.

So secondly, here's the ground truth of why your statement about him being justified in his treatment of you is so dead wrong. Since he as been continually abusive of you for years, you could just as easily say that you had your sudden fling because he is a **** husband. While few here would condone the action you took, none here would disagree with the assessment that your husband is NOT a good husband. And yet, you have never once claimed his abuse as an excuse for your infidelity. Now turn that around. If he had any integrity himself, he would NEVER, EVER, EVER blame YOU for HIS behavior.

It's clear you are looking at this whole thing through some very distorted, and worse, unhealthy lenses. You definitely should seek some intensive individual counseling immediately. We are getting very concerned about your statements and where they may lead.

Please, take care. We're all rooting for you.
 

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that bold part makes me realy scared for you. It is never the abused persons fault! I seriously want you to tack to a therapist. You realy need to, both for your self and defonately for your kids!
that statement made me recoil as well.

@st232



first of all, if you were so bad, he wouldn't or at least shouldn't have married you. He has zero reason to complain about who you are. He knew who you were and he married you. No fault of yours there!

Now, even more relevant, is that based on what you've told us, we all know now, as you know, that your husband has mistreated you for years. This is not because of you being a bad wife or who you are, but rather an indication of who he is. Period.

So secondly, here's the ground truth of why your statement about him being justified in his treatment of you is so dead wrong. Since he as been continually abusive of you for years, you could just as easily say that you had your sudden fling because he is a **** husband. While few here would condone the action you took, none here would disagree with the assessment that your husband is not a good husband. And yet, you have never once claimed his abuse as an excuse for your infidelity. Now turn that around. If he had any integrity himself, he would never, ever, ever blame you for his behavior.

It's clear you are looking at this whole thing through some very distorted, and worse, unhealthy lenses. You definitely should seek some intensive individual counseling immediately. We are getting very concerned about your statements and where they may lead.

Please, take care. We're all rooting for you.
exactly!!
 

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I don't want to leave him or lose him. Everything in my marriage I agreed to when I married him. I knew what I was signing up for and agreed to put it behind us. Two wrongs don't make a right. I can ***** about my marriage but it's the one I chose. Theres no you did it first in marriage.
Two wrongs don't make a right all right. That is why your reunion came out side ways. You may have forgiven your husband with words, but the sideways reaction tells a different story. That was your first mistake. Your second mistake was saying your "I do" to a serial cheater.

Your indiscretion is indeed an exit affair. It simply came out sideways. I hope he doesn't forgive you and sets you free. You deserve better than accepting the sham of a marriage you agreed to.

Please get professional help. You picked a wrong man to marry. He is not marriage material. He sucks rocks in all honesty. That can't be love. It is obviously painful to see it can't be healthy love what you feel at all. I have not read after your quote above, but you didn't break any vows. Your marriage was a hell you should of never had signed up for. Love yourself enough to get out please!
 

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I am finally caught up.

Oh ST, you are a great mom. You have been trying so hard for a very long time. Please get real help from family and loved ones. You have a twin brother. Please call him up. Do you have any family or friends where you live right now? I don't think you work because you probably stay and take care of your kids.

Your husband is an abuser. He had a gem of a wife and two beautiful kids. He doesn't have the capacity or tools not to destroy you and the kids. Please see a lawyer. You need to get your babies back and the right to get rid of their dad. He is a terrible man. Stop the cycle of abuse here. It has been 12 awful years honey. It is time to let him go and save yourself and the kids. Find help ASAP!

((((Hugs))))

You came to the right place online. We are here for you. Now go fight for your babies in real life by getting a good lawyer and some serious therapy for the 3 of you.
 

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Actually that is dead wrong. Abuse is evenly spread. Physical abuse has a slightly larger % of male perpetrators but it's not very much large. At the same time abuse in the form of verbal and emotional have a slightly larger % of women perpetraitors.

There are a lot of studies you can easely google that shows this.

Basically men and women are equally abusive.
agreed. The numbers are closer than people realize.
 

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Actually that is dead wrong. Abuse is evenly spread. Physical abuse has a slightly larger % of male perpetrators but it's not very much large. At the same time abuse in the form of verbal and emotional have a slightly larger % of women perpetraitors.

There are a lot of studies you can easely google that shows this.

Basically men and women are equally abusive.
agreed. The numbers are closer than people realize.
OP, other than the affair that you confessed, can you think of any abusive behaviors that you perpetrate on your own husband? In your particular situation, it is your husband who is acting abusively toward you. I'm not sure how helpful abuse stats are to YOU



Have you had a chance to speak with an attorney about your rights? Is your husband calming down any or is he still very angry?
 

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I have a couple of things for you to think about. First lose the if I had been a better wife, he would be a better husband attitude. Many of us have been cheated on and that is not how we responded. I understand him being hurt, but I question this relationship even before the reunion. I think you need to take a very honest evaluation of this relationship, though it is probably a moot point. Even if he stays, you can expect him to continue the attacks and most likely go back to his former ways and then blame you for them. As for your children, the only thing worse than being from a broken home, is being in a broken home. If he is as selfish as you say he will probably dish them off to his mother or take less visits altogether. I think you and your children could use a break from this situation. Just something to think about.
 
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