She is confused between loyalty and taking care of herself. That's what she is. I hope she finds out what she needs to do and the sooner the better. Choose one option or the other but get it done.You are free to put me on ignore
If you read the entire thread, you see that I encouraged the OP to come clean, I encouraged her to take full responsibility. I recommended books and ways to make amends.
Once her husband's past and his reaction to her confession came to light, I turned my attention to HER welfare because, quite frankly, there were already enough people positioned to remind her that she cheated.
A man who yells at his wife every day of their marriage (I don't know where the 2 years thing came from because she was CLEAR that it has always been an every day thing), who lies to police, who locks her out of the house, who threatens to use their children as punishment, and who spreads slander and libel about mental illness and pregnancies (HE seems to be the one embellishing) is not someone she needs to cower under and cater to right now. Yes, remorse and change is VERY important. However, giving power to someone who is behaving the way her husband is is just inviting more abuse.
It goes back to a post I made in the middle of the thread - are people responsible for their own choices, or aren't they? We cannot say "she is responsible for her choice to cheat no matter what" and then say "Oh, well, he is only acting this way because he found out she cheated."
OP, my advice to you would be to keep working on yourself and your own issues, make amends in the ways you can safely do so. However do NOT open yourself up to more abuse, and protect your rights as a person and as a mother fiercely.
I completely agree with your last statement.
Either these two need a complete rebuild or they need to part ways.
Just understand, the other posters here aren't the enemy unless one steps way out of line. Secondwind and Dreamer seem like really good people to contribute here for a while. I will admit. This is not my primary board. I just thik the focus should be on her and not other posters and I get caught up in the crap too so I get it
However, I have tremendous experience in this area and I can read through some things but in this world of cheating and DV, nothing is absolute. Part of me wants them to survive, part of me thinks it's best that they end it.
And you are right, she is responsible for her own choice.