Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My wife and i have been together since she was 17 and i was 18. we are now 24 and 25. we've been married for 2 years and have a 1 year old child.

we have had problems in the past when we first started dating with cheating and flirting. we've made up and broken up a few times since we met and got married. since our last break up (before we got married) ive snooped through her emails phone etc, because i was insecure and scared it would happen again. (prior to the break up we were engaged). and this has continued since. she hated the fact that i did it because even if i saw her texting or emailing to a guy she had been with or i didn't like id freak out even if it was nothing. sometimes however i would find something that really bugged me or betrayed my trust and sometimes i would find something really bad. she has also told me she hated that i would play games and ignore her, that's shes stuck looking at the side of my head when she wanted to watch tv or do something with me.

we would rarely talk about what was bugging her because she would never tell me anything was wrong or she was unhappy about something she would pretend to be happy and she would just bottle it all up until it came to a breaking point which usually lead to a break up. we have done this a few times, we would talk and things would get better for a while then we would fall into the same slump again, she would never correct me when i slipped up so after a while she would bottle it up enough again to where we would hit a breaking point.

were married now and we've hit another breaking point, she says shes unhappy and things have to change or we wont make it. she says she loves me as the father to the kid and loves me and cares for me but not in a way a wife should love a husband. we went over all the things that bugged her and was causing her to feel this way and i have stopped doing all of it, admittedly i do slip up sometimes but we both know its gonna take some time for things to change, we have both agreed to go to counselors and try to figure things out. her biggest fear is that things will be fine for a while and go back to the way things were again and she doesn't want to live like that.

shes at the point where she doesn't want to be with be physically or emotionally and just want to take a step back and just be friends for a while while she figures out what she wants to do. she also says even after we go through counseling and if we do fix all our problems there is a chance that she may still not be happy and will want to leave. i have stopped doing everything that bugs her and have taken up all the house work to try and help her relax and have time and a clear head to think things through, i have bought her things and left notes with them telling her how special she is to me and how there's nothing and no one in the world i could want more. yet she is still unsure if she wants to be with me.

i know she is tired of the roller coaster our relationship has been in the past, fixing a problem and it going back to the way it was, and i know i have neglected her over the years and should have told her more often how much she meant to me, but i had no idea how she was feeling and that it had gotten this bad as to want to leave me. were married now and have a family thats not something that i'm willing to risk fixing and falling back into a slump again, i wont let us fall back into that slump, but she doesn't seem to believe me when i say that.

i don't know whats going on in her head and i don't know what i should do. i want to be the one to make her happy i just don't know how. someone tell me whats going on in her head and what i should do!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
Sorry brother, it's over.
Listen, this is life, it's the real thing...people often think they have to "save" a relationship...that's just a hollywood romance movie.
You are young and hav your whole life ahead of you. End what doesn't work and move on with something that does.
It's gonna hurt, the kid doesnt make it easier but yuo are learning a lesson...it's life. **** happens.
If you can't figure her out now, after all this time, it's never going to make sense to you ever.
You would make a woman very happy with your passion...go find that one and start a new life.
Buddy, I promise..you can and will do it...find your happiness and be free of this drama!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
dumpedandhappy- Thanks for taking the time to relay your opinion. but im not going to just give up, no matter how long or how bad it hurts i have to try. i dont want to have to live with any "what ifs". family is the most important thing in my life and i wont give it up without trying.

my question was what could i do or try to help get my marriage back on track? what is going on with her in her head? im not a woman and i dont have a womens way of thinking (not trying to sound sexist)

i just need opinions on what to try, or if anyone else has been through something similar, to know what they did to try to make it work.

once again thank you for you opinion, but im not going to just give up. that may have been what you did and now your happy. but my true happiness is having a loving thriving full family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
Well brother, I can only say to you that I admire your conviction, it is good to hear you don't want to give up. But like all men, you beleive that if you can just find the leak, you will save the ship from sinking...trouble is that she has already scuttled the ship.
What is she thinking? What are you thinking!? In your message you were loud and clear about what she said, an dthe meaning is clear to all that read it.
Family is the most important thing for me as well...and guess what? My family, my kids are even stronger and closer now than they were before the separation!
You say you don't want to give up...ok then, live in denial, make this all much more painful for yourself, your ex and the kids. That what you want brother?
Listen, as I said, you sound like a good guy, but ( and take this with a grain of salt ) it is time to be a Man.
Your lady has spoken, if you truly love her and the kids, give her what she wants. If she still loves you then she will be back...
The Old Saying Goes: "If you Love someone let them go..."
I am saying this all to you becasue I have been exactly where you are, and I want to help you. But if you want to be stubbourn and live through things the hard way...it's your life.
All I can say to you is, everything you have indicated so far points to the fact that your lady no longer wants the marriage. What is she saying? That's it's over, time to wake up and smell the coffee friend!
Men go into war zones everyday ( God bless them ) and Men take risks for their families everyday.
It is now your turn, like many of us, to do the toughest thing you will ever do......
Let go.
You can do this. Life does go on. And life has a way of surprising you. If you can summon the strength to do theright thing now, it will be much easier than the alternative. You will drive yourself crazy otherwise, I know of what I say....
I hope you find happiness and learn from all of this.
May you have peace in this life and the next.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,931 Posts
dumpedandhappy- Thanks for taking the time to relay your opinion. but im not going to just give up, no matter how long or how bad it hurts i have to try. i dont want to have to live with any "what ifs". family is the most important thing in my life and i wont give it up without trying.

my question was what could i do or try to help get my marriage back on track? what is going on with her in her head? im not a woman and i dont have a womens way of thinking (not trying to sound sexist)

i just need opinions on what to try, or if anyone else has been through something similar, to know what they did to try to make it work.

once again thank you for you opinion, but im not going to just give up. that may have been what you did and now your happy. but my true happiness is having a loving thriving full family.
You don't have to give up or listen to those who would embarrass you for trying. No one can fault a man for trying. That's what makes a man, even if he fails he can say to himself he gave it his best shot. Your problem is you don't know how to go about it. Knowing that you could fail and as the state of your marriage is today, you have so far.

How to make a good marriage is not a secret. You just weren't taught. Each of you have physical and emotional needs that have to be fulfilled. From your post you most likely haven't filled those needs, hence she is falling out of love with you. Since she has already told you she's not feeling it, I don't know if you can recover. But if your willing to try, what do you have to lose. At least she is going to counseling, that's a start.

Start by working on yourself, make sure your in shape and look good. Show a confidence about you. No childish independent behaviors. You don't sit around and video game, do you? Take charge about your roll and chores in the household. Remember don't be clingy it looks weak.

Buy and read these two books. Use them as guides, see how a real marriage looks and works. And how a man should carry himself. Good luck, you have a lot of work to do. Don't let other discourage you. Trust your self, you'll know when to quit.

His Needs Her Needs

Married Man Sex Life

There both on kindle. And no it not a guide to have sex.

Get 'Divorce Busting' too, also on kindle. It will guide you.
Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
anchorwatch- No i dont play games hardly at all any more, and the little that i do its when she isnt home and the kid is asleep. i still keep up on all the chores in the household, and i try do give her as much attention as i can, talking, complimenting her, and just trying my best to be there for her. but i know not to over do it. as of right now we have just taken a step back and are playing the "friend" role. we dont kiss, say i love you, cuddle, or have any kind of sex. she said shes not sure if she knows whats going on in her head, she has been through alot lately that i think may be a reason for the steep change. she had a baby a year ago, she got pregnant shortly after and we made a choice to get an abortion (opinions on that matter can be kept to their selves), she has started a new birth control, and she has recently had to take on taking care of her father part time. i think she may have a hormone problem and possibly some kind of depression not to mention alot of stress, but that might not be the case either. all i know is shes not sure if she wants to continue or not, shes at a cross road as to which direction will make her happier. and all that is the reason she wants to go to counseling to get her mind unraveled and work herself out before she makes a decision. she says she does love me she just feels its not in a romatic way, like the romance is lost.

i will look into those books, and i have a few others im looking into right now.

thanks again for the response, every opinion helps. im just trying to get some 3rd party perspective on our relationship. which is another reason im going seeing a counselor too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
as of right now we have just taken a step back and are playing the "friend" role. we dont kiss, say i love you, cuddle, or have any kind of sex. she said shes not sure if she knows whats going on in her head, she has been through alot lately that i think may be a reason for the steep change

Wow. I am sorry to harp on about this but dude, the match is over, the score 0-0 and you are still wanting to send your boys out on the pitch?

Games over man.

Wow.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
dumpedandhappy- every post you have put up has told the person to give up and move on, no matter what the situation is. like i have said before, it might have been how you went about it, but im not going to give up right away. you may be right, im not saying your not, but i still have to try. its only been a month since she relayed to me that she was unhappy im not throwing in the towel in the first inning, the score is 0-0 but the match just started.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,931 Posts
Those book are among the most recommended by members of TAM. Get them and read them. Get the one on divorce first.

That is a lot for a person to go through in a short period of time. If she is willing to work on the marriage and go to IC and MC you can go that route. If she is not willing to work on it, you will have to take another approach. You will need to know when you are at the point where she is just using you as a convenience.

One question, do not be offended by it. Have you checked if she has any contact with any other man? It is common that when someone gives the ILYBINILWY speech they have found someone to fill their needs or are vulnerable to having someone else fill their needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
anchorwatch- im certain she isnt contacting another man, i used to snoop through her emails txts u name it and that was one of our problems, we broke up once when we were dating and started seeing someone she was contacting (even though she would tell me they were just friends). and after a period of time we got back together and i would always keeps tabs on her, after a while she got very upset about it because id have freak outs over the littlest thing, but never found her actually flirting or cheating on me, thats when she got to the point where she would get upset that i couldnt trust her, and she was right, thats one of the things im working on at the moment, so me going through her things again would probably make things worse.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,931 Posts
As long as one is not hiding anything there would be no reason to continuously snoop. Not trusting her in that case would make you look weak. Every time you look weak, she loses attraction for you, You looking weak is explained in MMSL. Now that happened you would look worse if you did it for no reason. Just keep your radar on.

If we had to build something we would seek out instructions. The shame of it is that we build our marriages and we don't look for instructions till if starts falling. Continue the reading.

Will she do MC? If so find one who is pro marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
we have talked about MC and she said she would do it, but our insurance only covers 1on1 counseling, so we decided to go with that for now. but i think it still is a good idea and im trying to find a way to work out the finances so we can.

and as far as hiding things i know she deletes things, but she says it was only to keep me from freaking out over something petty and small, so she would delete anything that might even come close to bugging me. but that could go both ways, she could be being honest, or she has something to hide.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
I feel your pain OP. I don't have kids with my wife, but otherwise your story feels very similar, except my wife has gotten more and more bitter over time. As my own thread indicates I think it may be going down for the count, but like you, I'm still trying to recover.

To answer the question postulated in the OP, and the question I have to answer to is the answer could be NO. Bottom line is you can't make someone else love you. I'm rooting for you as I think you want to make it work, as I want to make it work too, but like me I think you need to prepare for a life after the relationship.

PS, My wife too got into messages and texting another man. That was what lead to the final ' I want a divorce ' when I found out she was still texting that man (supposedly not about a relationship, but still talking after agreeing he was a bad influence). And I too send emails saying how much I want to be with her and willing to change, and got no response which hurts sooo much when one party has checked out before the other. So we may be heading down the same rabbit hole.

Good luck.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
we have talked about MC and she said she would do it, but our insurance only covers 1on1 counseling, so we decided to go with that for now. but i think it still is a good idea and im trying to find a way to work out the finances so we can.

and as far as hiding things i know she deletes things, but she says it was only to keep me from freaking out over something petty and small, so she would delete anything that might even come close to bugging me. but that could go both ways, she could be being honest, or she has something to hide.
Deleting thing so you won't get mad? RED FLAG there my man. Key logger time. If it's her phone experts here will suggest various spyware applications.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
tom67- i honestly dont think there is anything going on with her and some other guy. i snopped for a VERY long time and just recently stopped, it is one of the big issues that brought us to this breaking point, and the whole time i snooped around i never found anything serious. i even got to the point where id cross check her fb mail to her email and anything she did delete was really nothing, just causual "hey hows life goin" stuff. me snooping around was just something i did as a defence from what happened from the time we broke up before we got married. i couldnt trust her after she hurt me so bad and i can see why she would delete things like that to avoid me wigging out over something petty. i can see after it happening for so long why itd be easier to delete it than to deal with my insecurity.

thanks again to everyone posting, its greatly appreciated.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top