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but you started all this.
It doesn't really matters who started what. What really matters is that both of them have done the same things to doom the marriage. Just because he was sexting first, that does not gives her "carte blanche" to pay it back with the same token. She should had separated before getting into the same shenanigans that he did. That's what people with morals and dignity do. I can't abide by the it's all your fault because you did it first. That's a pathetic excuse.
 

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It doesn't really matters who started what. What really matters is that both of them have done the same things to doom the marriage. Just because he was sexting first, that does not gives her "carte blanche" to pay it back with the same token. She should had separated before getting into the same shenanigans that he did. That's what people with morals and dignity do. I can't abide by the it's all your fault because you did it first. That's a pathetic excuse.
I agree with you. In fact I said she is not an angel. It's no way to behave just because the husband did it first.
 

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I don't disagree with you, I have been back and fourth but its because she was truly the love of my life. I have become disgusted with her over the past few days and become more and more angry with her everyday. This is the entire life I built only to be torn down. When I have a beer with her dad tomorrow, I will be curious if they have talked to her. She is a big family person, and tells her mother and father everything, my thoughts will truly be completed after I meet with him. He has so much respect for me he will be honest with me as I will be honest with him about the online **** I did. I have reached out to a divorce lawyer but I can not file for divorce until we are officially separated for 6 months legally in my state. This puts me to December. She will 100% not have sex with this man, as she knows it would end bad for her. Everything we own is in my name since her credit scores were no low and she knows if I found out (which I would) - I would come full force at her.
So basically you are counting on the financial well-being you offer as leverage against her having "sex with this man"?
 

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So basically you are counting on the financial well-being you offer as leverage against her having "sex with this man"?
Not even that. His statement that "everything we own is in my name" would not pass go, will not collect $200 in court. it probably is all marriage assets, regardless of whose name those assets are and who pay for them. Unless he got them all before marriage, which I doubt.
 

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Hi - my wife and I have had a long journey the past year - we have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 years and are 28 and 27. We have been having issues for a little over a year and things just now exploded in the past 6 months. I got caught back in September sexting online with people and it devastated my wife. Before, that we had no issues but we were growing distant from one another. We tried to fix our marriage after September and we were up and down every other month. Finally in January my wife asked for space and wanted me to move out to my parents. I work from home so I was allowed in our house to work however, that was it. I did not listen to her as much as I was in desperation mode of trying to save our marriage and often hung around the house waiting for her to get home, which was wrong of me. Eventually I was able to come home after my grandfather passed away, and was sleeping in the guest room since February. We tried to work on our marriage and I honestly tried so hard to change for the better, working on the things she requested.
Then a few months ago I noticed my wife has stopped trying as hard, started to become distant. One night she was passed out drunk and I saw on her phone she was sexting another man. I was heartbroken - probably how she felt about me. The feeling was terrible - we talked about it the next day and she explained to me he was an old friend and it was nothing serious. (The texts were serious) however, I wanted to forgive her and she agreed she would stop talking to him.

Last week I noticed they were growing activity on social media - my wife added him on all social media, even went in and liked all his old photos dating back to 2020 (something she did to me when we started dating). She was still wearing her ring with me however, she would take her ring off went she went out without me (red flags). I asked her to tell me about this man this week and she told me again he's just a friend and she doesn't talk to him like that and hasn't texted him since I asked. I did not believe her, I checked the phone bill and saw she lied to my face and has been communicating with him almost everyday all the time. I approached her on this, and she flipped on me for checking the phone records.

Now my wife is moving back in with her parents because she wants space again. We talked and she said she doesn't love me and doesn't know if she ever will love me the same way she once did. I am thinking it is because of this guy and that she caught feelings for him. I want to save my marriage, I love my wife with all my heart, and I am in so much pain knowing she is falling for someone else. She claims this space is for us to help find ourselves and will be good with us - I believe she does still love me and wants this to work. the past week after we talked and she decided to move out (tomorrow she moves out) - she constantly is texting me asking where I am and what I am doing - for example I just needed to clear my head and go out, so I left the house one night without saying anything. She started texting me and calling me a ton asking where I went and would not leave me alone. then again yesterday, I had softball and was reading her texts but not responding - she sent me a total of 5 texts, asking if I was ignoring her, and then called me asking where I was. Why would she do that if she's moving out? Additionally the other day she asked me if I hated her - which I explained that I don't but Im just so upset about this other guy.

I am scared to lose my wife, she is truly the love of my wife and I know I made mistakes but I don’t want this to end this way. I don't know what to do… should I give her the space and just lay low until she reaches out to me? I wanted to ask her before she moves out if we are going to remain faithful during this separation - is that fair of me to ask? Please help
Friend? I am so sorry to say this. You have already lost your wife. I am so sorry.
 
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I don't disagree with you, I have been back and fourth but its because she was truly the love of my life. I have become disgusted with her over the past few days and become more and more angry with her everyday. This is the entire life I built only to be torn down. When I have a beer with her dad tomorrow, I will be curious if they have talked to her. She is a big family person, and tells her mother and father everything, my thoughts will truly be completed after I meet with him. He has so much respect for me he will be honest with me as I will be honest with him about the online **** I did. I have reached out to a divorce lawyer but I can not file for divorce until we are officially separated for 6 months legally in my state. This puts me to December.
Wow the irony. Now you know how she felt. You need to do some major self-reflection. Most of what you write is either wallowing in self-pity or being angry that your wife turned the tables on you. You mourn your entire life being torn down, YOU tore it down when you started sexting not only one person but many people. Let's really talk about where credit for the mess really lies. You talk about your happiness in an earlier post and when I read it I realized you are no further on than when you cheated. There is no evidence of remorse or humility, your wife knows it best, the reason why she moved out. You took no concrete steps to help her get over the devastation and breaking of trust, yet you demand respect and fidelity from her and treat her with coldness when she comes to the house. You have not learnt anything from this and it looks like unless you really look inwards things will not change for you with the next relationship either.
 

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If you are going to win her back (if that's even possible at this point), cut off all ALL contact with her. Do not call, text, drive by her house, etc. Stop everything. If you both have lawyers, all discussions go through your lawyers.

You need to let her think you are done, you are moving on with your life and you will be just fine (even if you have to fake it for now). Be a man and don't beg or cry to her. That stuff doesn't work. Buy new clothes, start working out, etc. She needs to think you are moving on and only then, might she second guess her decision and consider reconciliation.

Either way, you both stepped out of your marriage and a fresh start for both may be the best thing.
 

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I agree with the others. You damaged the relationship by cheating (I think setting is a form of cheating) and things just crumbled from there. Anything is possible if two people want to reconcile a relationship but sounds like she’s done. Her sexting to be clear, is out of line too - but sounds like neither of you are willing to officially end it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
There's no reconciliation occurring for the realtionship, I have started to move on. I no longer want to be married to her. We have hired a mediator to help us finalize everything. I went to a baseball game last week, while there she raided the house of things, and took the cats without telling me. I came home to all the shelves being empty, she also stole the battery to my doorbell camera so I couldn't see what she was taking. I am so mad about it. I also started talking to someone else, who I rekindled with over drink and we are connecting now. At this point, I just have to pay her out on her share of the house and get out of this. I believe she went on a date last weekend as well. We both talked Friday and agreed not to fight with each out, we want to still maintain a relationship with one another post divorce as we both do love and care about each other.
 

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I rekindled with over drink and we are connecting now
Be careful.. if there is one thing I have learned here in TAM, it is nothing happens quickly. Connections aren't just made. The process of healing can't be rushed, and no matter what you think will cure your ailment.. whether that is another person, place, or thing, nothing beats time.
 

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Be careful.. if there is one thing I have learned here in TAM, it is nothing happens quickly. Connections aren't just made. The process of healing can't be rushed, and no matter what you think will cure your ailment.. whether that is another person, place, or thing, nothing beats time.
Amen to that. Take time to heal...as lame as that may sound right now. A lot of people want to start dating right away to show their ex what that are losing. But trust me, been there done that and it will only lead to more pain.
 

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There's no reconciliation occurring for the realtionship, I have started to move on. I no longer want to be married to her. We have hired a mediator to help us finalize everything. I went to a baseball game last week, while there she raided the house of things, and took the cats without telling me. I came home to all the shelves being empty, she also stole the battery to my doorbell camera so I couldn't see what she was taking. I am so mad about it. I also started talking to someone else, who I rekindled with over drink and we are connecting now. At this point, I just have to pay her out on her share of the house and get out of this. I believe she went on a date last weekend as well. We both talked Friday and agreed not to fight with each out, we want to still maintain a relationship with one another post divorce as we both do love and care about each other.
Damn.

Have you changed the locks yet? Need to.
And install multiple hidden cameras with audio, in case you're unable to restrict her access.

Hang in there.
 

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Update - just to give more details for everyone - last night was the night before she was moving out. I wanted to set expectations for our separation - my first one was about dating, she refused to say she wouldn't date but kept saying she doesn't want to date anyone right now and is trying to find herself. This one hurt - I told her I'm not dating anyone, but I really want to press her that if she has se with anyone else its over, for good. I also asked her what the end goal of this separation was, are we trying to get back together? Her response was I don't know if I want to be married anymore, that's what I need to see. Additionally - she told me she plans to come home all the time to see our cats,.. I feel like this one is where I hold leverage - I want to show her I'm moving on and I feel as though if I push back on her when she tries to come, it will frustrate her.

I have spoken to everyone in her family, I have always had a very close relationship with all her sisters and parents. I informed her mother of this new guy and the possibility of an affair, she was concerned and told me that she will talk with my wife when things settle down about the long term affects this would have. Additionally, both of her sisters are on our sideline, her one sister told me that my wife really wants to make it work and wants this space for us and that this is the best thing for us. they wouldn't lie to me - they would be honest especially about an affair. I alerted her other sister of the affair and she told me that my wife said something about this guy to her and that it was just a freind and I was getting all worked up. Its not just a friend. Additionally, I have spoken to one of our couples friends girlfriends who has a very close relationship with my wife. She said that she has not heard anything about this man either but she would continue to look into it with her (she's not happy how my wife is handling this).

Today I am moving her into her parents, its going to be hard but its for the best. I am thinking I will go ghost on her and not respond to any texts or calls for the weekend. I will stay off of social media and just relax and really soak in what is happening. I do want this to work out, I love my wife with all my heart but I am not going to be her puppy dog while she has a physical affair with someone else.

I reached out to a few divorce lawyers this morning - I am just preparing myself for if she has an affair.
If you didn’t want to blow up your marriage why’d you sext? It was fine for you to do?
 
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