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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi - my wife and I have had a long journey the past year - we have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 years and are 28 and 27. We have been having issues for a little over a year and things just now exploded in the past 6 months. I got caught back in September sexting online with people and it devastated my wife. Before, that we had no issues but we were growing distant from one another. We tried to fix our marriage after September and we were up and down every other month. Finally in January my wife asked for space and wanted me to move out to my parents. I work from home so I was allowed in our house to work however, that was it. I did not listen to her as much as I was in desperation mode of trying to save our marriage and often hung around the house waiting for her to get home, which was wrong of me. Eventually I was able to come home after my grandfather passed away, and was sleeping in the guest room since February. We tried to work on our marriage and I honestly tried so hard to change for the better, working on the things she requested.
Then a few months ago I noticed my wife has stopped trying as hard, started to become distant. One night she was passed out drunk and I saw on her phone she was sexting another man. I was heartbroken - probably how she felt about me. The feeling was terrible - we talked about it the next day and she explained to me he was an old friend and it was nothing serious. (The texts were serious) however, I wanted to forgive her and she agreed she would stop talking to him.

Last week I noticed they were growing activity on social media - my wife added him on all social media, even went in and liked all his old photos dating back to 2020 (something she did to me when we started dating). She was still wearing her ring with me however, she would take her ring off went she went out without me (red flags). I asked her to tell me about this man this week and she told me again he's just a friend and she doesn't talk to him like that and hasn't texted him since I asked. I did not believe her, I checked the phone bill and saw she lied to my face and has been communicating with him almost everyday all the time. I approached her on this, and she flipped on me for checking the phone records.

Now my wife is moving back in with her parents because she wants space again. We talked and she said she doesn't love me and doesn't know if she ever will love me the same way she once did. I am thinking it is because of this guy and that she caught feelings for him. I want to save my marriage, I love my wife with all my heart, and I am in so much pain knowing she is falling for someone else. She claims this space is for us to help find ourselves and will be good with us - I believe she does still love me and wants this to work. the past week after we talked and she decided to move out (tomorrow she moves out) - she constantly is texting me asking where I am and what I am doing - for example I just needed to clear my head and go out, so I left the house one night without saying anything. She started texting me and calling me a ton asking where I went and would not leave me alone. then again yesterday, I had softball and was reading her texts but not responding - she sent me a total of 5 texts, asking if I was ignoring her, and then called me asking where I was. Why would she do that if she's moving out? Additionally the other day she asked me if I hated her - which I explained that I don't but Im just so upset about this other guy.

I am scared to lose my wife, she is truly the love of my wife and I know I made mistakes but I don’t want this to end this way. I don't know what to do… should I give her the space and just lay low until she reaches out to me? I wanted to ask her before she moves out if we are going to remain faithful during this separation - is that fair of me to ask? Please help
 

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As someone who has just learned the hard way myself, she has checked out fully, friend. Don't be like me and hold on to hope.

She already has your replacement lined up. Your separation is leading to divorce. If you haven't already you need to lawyer up and mentally prepare yourself for whet's coming.

I hate to sound blunt. I was in your shoes not too long ago. Different circumstances (I did not cheat) but the basics sound the same. She's moved on.

I wish you luck.
 

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Basically she wants to cheat with him and if it doesn't work out she wants to know you are home waiting for her, and not cheating...because she wants to do that. I would remind her that you will only do what she does...if she decides she will go out with him then you can do the same...you will not be treated like this.
 

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Dude, stop the pathetic, fear induced desperation to try to salvage something that is gone.

Regain your sense of reality, self respect and whatever dignity you have and put your big boy pants on.

Now, immediately, start getting your ducks in a row, starting with a divorce lawyer to explain to you how to protect whatever financial interests you may have in the relationship.

Don't just go about moping. Jump into action, whatever the end result, at least be prepared for what in reality seems to be your end result: DIVORCE.
She already checked out of the relationship, it's obvious to everyone, but you, because you're living in "hopium" right now.

She already lined up your replacement. Get that through your head. She's way, way ahead of you, but like today's typical clueless male, you just can't see it. Use your head, not your heart, right now.

And yes, this separation is to test drive your replacement. That's a fact.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Update - just to give more details for everyone - last night was the night before she was moving out. I wanted to set expectations for our separation - my first one was about dating, she refused to say she wouldn't date but kept saying she doesn't want to date anyone right now and is trying to find herself. This one hurt - I told her I'm not dating anyone, but I really want to press her that if she has se with anyone else its over, for good. I also asked her what the end goal of this separation was, are we trying to get back together? Her response was I don't know if I want to be married anymore, that's what I need to see. Additionally - she told me she plans to come home all the time to see our cats,.. I feel like this one is where I hold leverage - I want to show her I'm moving on and I feel as though if I push back on her when she tries to come, it will frustrate her.

I have spoken to everyone in her family, I have always had a very close relationship with all her sisters and parents. I informed her mother of this new guy and the possibility of an affair, she was concerned and told me that she will talk with my wife when things settle down about the long term affects this would have. Additionally, both of her sisters are on our sideline, her one sister told me that my wife really wants to make it work and wants this space for us and that this is the best thing for us. they wouldn't lie to me - they would be honest especially about an affair. I alerted her other sister of the affair and she told me that my wife said something about this guy to her and that it was just a freind and I was getting all worked up. Its not just a friend. Additionally, I have spoken to one of our couples friends girlfriends who has a very close relationship with my wife. She said that she has not heard anything about this man either but she would continue to look into it with her (she's not happy how my wife is handling this).

Today I am moving her into her parents, its going to be hard but its for the best. I am thinking I will go ghost on her and not respond to any texts or calls for the weekend. I will stay off of social media and just relax and really soak in what is happening. I do want this to work out, I love my wife with all my heart but I am not going to be her puppy dog while she has a physical affair with someone else.

I reached out to a few divorce lawyers this morning - I am just preparing myself for if she has an affair.
 

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You cheated by sexting. It broke her. She gave you boundaries & you violated them, hanging around when you didn't live there. You tried to fix a broken marriage without professional help & it got mucked up more.

Now she says she no longer loves you. She is sexting another man. She says she doesn't want to be married & she's moving out. In the face of all that evidence that this is over, you insist that contrary to what she says & does, you purport to know what she is thinking & feeling better than she does. You don't. Stop trying to impose your will on her. If you are separating, it's over. You don't get to tell her she can't date. Trying to force something like that makes you controlling. It's highly unattractive & more damaging.

Months ago you would have been better off getting MC & asking what she needs to regain trust & love for you after you cheated. You never did that. Her resentment grew until it poisoned your marriage. Now it's over. Let her go.
 

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It seems that your cheating greatly damaged the way she saw you and the marriage was never the same.
We focus on cheating only because it’s such an obvious and the most extreme example of betrayal of trust. Trust is key to, well, everything. And it’s rare that betrayal of trust occurs in just one area. If someone has cheated, there are likely all sorts of other trust issues that haven’t been addressed. Once it’s all out in the open, it can’t be fixed by simply not cheating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The final update post move out - I helped my wife move into her parents house, we shared good cries when moving her things, I could tell this was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me. I was not expecting her mother to be there, I broke down in tears when she was talking to me, she gave me a massive hug and said that this is for the best and we need space to heal ourselves from the past. My wife came back home to get the last of her clothes she was taking (she did not take everything) and we had our first real conversation in months. She told me she would not be having any sexual relationship or dating for a very long time (ever) and I made a joke except for me and she smiled at me. We hugged it out and both agreed this was for the best, that we needed space. She wants me to take care of myself and find true happiness and that she was only moving right down the street (10 mins away) - I told her the same and that we both needed since we were fighting nonstop. My wife has been through a lot in her life, I truly believe her when she said the above things - as I could hear the pain in her voice. Her friend actually texted me and told me that my wife is hurting with me, and she didn't want to do this but had no other options unless divorce. I believe we may still have a chance in this but I need to heal myself and become the person I once was and fix my issues. I think being alone, will allow me to just focus on the things I need to get organized in my life and this will be good for us. She confirmed she will be coming here to see the cats, and to escape the insanity of her parents home every once in a while. For now, I deleted all social media apps and I intend to law low, not text/call her unless she reaches out to me and truly give her the space she needs. In doing so, I hope it pulls us back together however, if it doesn't I will have found self happiness, I hope.
 

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The final update post move out - I helped my wife move into her parents house, we shared good cries when moving her things, I could tell this was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me. I was not expecting her mother to be there, I broke down in tears when she was talking to me, she gave me a massive hug and said that this is for the best and we need space to heal ourselves from the past. My wife came back home to get the last of her clothes she was taking (she did not take everything) and we had our first real conversation in months. She told me she would not be having any sexual relationship or dating for a very long time (ever) and I made a joke except for me and she smiled at me. We hugged it out and both agreed this was for the best, that we needed space. She wants me to take care of myself and find true happiness and that she was only moving right down the street (10 mins away) - I told her the same and that we both needed since we were fighting nonstop. My wife has been through a lot in her life, I truly believe her when she said the above things - as I could hear the pain in her voice. Her friend actually texted me and told me that my wife is hurting with me, and she didn't want to do this but had no other options unless divorce. I believe we may still have a chance in this but I need to heal myself and become the person I once was and fix my issues. I think being alone, will allow me to just focus on the things I need to get organized in my life and this will be good for us. She confirmed she will be coming here to see the cats, and to escape the insanity of her parents home every once in a while. For now, I deleted all social media apps and I intend to law low, not text/call her unless she reaches out to me and truly give her the space she needs. In doing so, I hope it pulls us back together however, if it doesn't I will have found self happiness, I hope.
Dude. All the crying is completely meaningless. Disregard WHATEVER was said. Just a lot of talk, again, meaningless.

Quit trying to convince yourself that 'she wants to work this out' and pay attention to her actions.
 

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Marriage will never be the same.. unfortunately
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
A few days post move out - I feel like a weight was lifted off of me, but I do miss my wife so much - we have been in contact since she has moved out. I unplugged our video doorbell, and she started questioning why I did so and wanted me to fix it. I ignored it. Yesterday, I went to the beach and she was texting my phone non-stop saying she hopes I have fun, wanting to know if I need her to feed our cats. She got mad when I told her I already booked someone to do so. Additionally - she left some things she needed (she didn't take everything she owns just clothes and shoes) like her robes and had a package delivered, I dropped it at her parents before going to the beach and she questioned why I didn't want her coming to the house.. Additionally today, I fixed the doorbell, and caught her trying to see what I am up to 3 times already... but have not talked to her since yesterday afternoon where she was really short with me towards the end of the day. This entire "separation" was her idea, and I just don't know what the hell she is doing. If she is done and moving on why is she stalking me through the camera, texting me all and wanting me to still go to a concert with her this week? Also, I asked her dad get a beer with me to talk about everything, so I am meeting him this week as well. I talked to her sisters, and they are confused about everything as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
We have now reached the stage where I think I am done - I have thought about the past few months and have seen how horrible she has treated me and how uninterested in the marriage she is. I have caught her since moving out, looking at our doorbell camera (and asking why its off when I unplug it), trying to log into my bank account (she wanted to use her own going forward) and reaching out to me everyday saying "I hope you have a great day" - I know this is her way or trying to keep me close in case things done work out with this other person. I think letting her go is my best bet at this point. We do have a concert tonight so I am curious how that goes, I am going to treat her like a normal friend at it.
 

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I'm glad you are coming to terms with the reality of your situation. I would deny her access to the video doorbell. You will need to be civil until things are fully finalized.

Good luck.
I wouldn't bet anything on it. OP is saying that, but not really meaning it. The fact that he's still considering, regardless of her separating to test drive the other dude speaks a lot of his self respect and dignity for him to even consider to stay in this sham of a marriage.

My take is that even if he finds out that she actually had sex with the other dude, and she decides to comes back to him, he will take her back. For his sake I hope that I'm wrong, and he finds his pride, dignity, and self respect instead of not listening what she's been telling him.

Me, personally as a man, the moment I'd find that my woman is interested in another man, that's it. I'd immediately file for divorce, no questions asked, no pleading, no pathetic acts of desperation. I have sufficient self respect dignity, and pride to even consider being a reluctant cuckold.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
Me, personally as a man, the moment I'd find that my woman is interested in another man, that's it. I'd immediately file for divorce, no questions asked, no pleading, no pathetic acts of desperation. I have sufficient self respect dignity, and pride to even consider being a reluctant cuckold.
I don't disagree with you, I have been back and fourth but its because she was truly the love of my life. I have become disgusted with her over the past few days and become more and more angry with her everyday. This is the entire life I built only to be torn down. When I have a beer with her dad tomorrow, I will be curious if they have talked to her. She is a big family person, and tells her mother and father everything, my thoughts will truly be completed after I meet with him. He has so much respect for me he will be honest with me as I will be honest with him about the online **** I did. I have reached out to a divorce lawyer but I can not file for divorce until we are officially separated for 6 months legally in my state. This puts me to December.
 

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I don't disagree with you, I have been back and fourth but its because she was truly the love of my life. I have become disgusted with her over the past few days and become more and more angry with her everyday. This is the entire life I built only to be torn down. When I have a beer with her dad tomorrow, I will be curious if they have talked to her. She is a big family person, and tells her mother and father everything, my thoughts will truly be completed after I meet with him. He has so much respect for me he will be honest with me as I will be honest with him about the online **** I did. I have reached out to a divorce lawyer but I can not file for divorce until we are officially separated for 6 months legally in my state. This puts me to December. She will 100% not have sex with this man, as she knows it would end bad for her. Everything we own is in my name since her credit scores were no low and she knows if I found out (which I would) - I would come full force at her.
Don't let hate and resentment take over. If you think it is time to end it then do it, but no need to get ugly. You both own responsibility in the demise of your marriage. You both own responsibility in the repair and success of your marriage if that is the path you choose. Talk to her dad and see what comes from it. She is likely still broken from the sexting you started last year.
 

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I have been back and fourth but its because she was truly the love of my life.
You may think so, but the reality in this world, specially at your age is that at any given moment another one might come along and that would be the "love of your life", which in itself is a fallacy perpetrated by the Disney's type of romance being fed to the younger generations. Life and love was seldom if ever like that until recently in modern times with the overabundance of everything in life in the rich economies of the world. Secondly, you and most of today young generations need a dose of biology 101 (reality), where you would learn what being alive as a human really means and what as an individual specimen your main concerns should be, such as: the first law of nature is self preservation (I, me, mine). Those that deviate from that dictum are putting themselves in line to be eliminated out of the gene pool, or eliminated soon enough. You "must" love yourself first before you start to invest in the biological business of "pairing for procreation" and everything that that involves.

She is a big family person, and tells her mother and father everything,
Please, don't deluge yourself with such perceptions. She might be the type as you say that confide in her parent/family, that doesn't mean that she will be honest with them in everything, specially with issues where she might think that goes against her parent's principles. so do not get your hopes high. Also, she might confide in her parents about her situation with you, but it will be as she sees it fit to fill the narrative she would want to convey.

He has so much respect for me he will be honest with me as I will be honest with him about the online **** I did.
That might be, nonetheless, you need to understand and realized that his priorities and his loyalties will be to her.


She will 100% not have sex with this man
How would you know that??? Remember, not too long ago you thought you were her world.


Everything we own is in my name since her credit scores were no low and she knows if I found out (which I would) - I would come full force at her.
It doesn't really matters. If everything you own was purchased during the marriage, the courts will treat it as marriage assets and will be divided per your state laws. So, do not get blindsided here. So, your best bet is to consult with a lawyer, let him explain it all to you, fallow what he says. You might end up back together; nonetheless, you need to be fully prepared in case you divorce.
 

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I have become disgusted with her over the past few days and become more and more angry with her everyday.
You should be disgusted with yourself. You have ruined your marriage and now you blame her. She is definitely not an angel - I believe she is having at least an EA with the other man - but you started all this.
 
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