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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (24) for 2.5 years. Generally, our relationship has been great. There is one problem, however, that has gone forever unresolved and it's getting to the point of being unbearable.

My boyfriend has a friend from high school, let's call him K. K, 22, is your typical womanizer, has never been in a serious relationship, and has always been bothered that my boyfriend and I got serious so quickly because he jealously feels I stole my boyfriend from him. I also believe he is a borderline alcoholic.

About a month after my boyfriend and I started dating, he, myself, and 3 of his friends went up to my family's home in the mountains. K was more disrespectful to my parents' home than anyone I've ever seen. He was piss drunk, spilling things all over the floor, broke a chair, was yelling despite neighbors (this is a condo and not a free standing residence), etc. My boyfriend and I were trying to fall asleep when I heard him knock something over in the living room. I left the bedroom, walked up to K, and removed his drink from his hand. I walked to the kitchen and started pouring it down the drain when he came up to me, aggressively grabbed my wrist, and said "Who do you think you are, you ****ing *****?" I returned to the bedroom to tell my boyfriend, who, somewhat bothered, walked out and told his friend to calm down. But he was never angry over the way K treated me. Because the relationship was so new, I figured he didn't want to polarize his relationship with me and his relationship with K, so I tried to let it go, but never liked K after that.

For the first 6 or so months of our relationship, my boyfriend and I would attend small parties at his friend's house, B. B and K are best friends, so K was always present. On one occasion, while very drunk and my boyfriend wasn't in the room, K walked by me, grabbed my breast and said "You know you're coming home with me tonight, right?" I tried to brush it off and elected not to tell my boyfriend.

On a later occasion, when my boyfriend and I were leaving, I went to give K a polite hug goodbye and he decided to pick me up, essentially by my butt, and in front of my boyfriend squeezed it and said "that's a great ass." Baffled, we left. In the car, I said "Don't you think K is a little too touchy with me? I find it kind of strange" to which my boyfriend said "No, that's just K"

At this point, I was hurt that my boyfriend didn't feel defensive and saw no need to stand up for me. K was always very vocal about his dismay that my boyfriend spent less time with his friends after getting into a relationship. None of my boyfriend's other friends ever bothered him about it, as they had all been in serious relationships before and understood that he was bound to be around less.

After the incident I just described, I completely withdrew from being around my boyfriend's friends ever because K made me extremely uncomfortable and it was clear that my boyfriend wasn't up for the confrontation. My lack of connection with his friends--and my concern when he is with them--has been a huge source of trouble in our relationship. K, as I mentioned, drinks very heavily. I feel strongly that my boyfriend has a strange need not to upset K, so he is more likely to drink to excess when around K. For this reason, I'm always naggy, asking when he'll be home, getting upset if he's home later than he said, etc. My boyfriend also feels that he has somewhat removed himself from his friends because his being with them always causes a fight between us. Sad to admit, if K were not in the picture, I would never be that girlfriend. So our biggest, almost only, source of fights throughout the relationship has been about his friends, but up until recently I had never been honest about my feelings about K.

Fast forward to last summer--I ended up cheating on my boyfriend once. I didn't sleep with the other guy and I came clean the next day. We broke up for a month and a half and he took me back mid-October. (Please spare me any criticisms on the cheating--that's not what this post is about). All of my boyfriend's friends gently welcomed me back into his life, which I believe is the right thing to do. If you can forgive someone, your friends should be on board. Everyone forgave me, except K.

One night shortly after my boyfriend and I reunited, he was at K's for dinner. I came down with a migraine so severe that I needed to go to the hospital and had no way to get there--and my boyfriend is so intent on not upsetting K that I actually had to beg him to come get me and take me--he was reluctant and asked if I could find somebody else. He ended up coming (and leaving before he could eat dinner), and K was furious.

Then, several weeks ago, my boyfriend went out to a bar with K, one other friend, and a female that K knows. I didn't know it at the time, but K hates me so much that he actually set up this outing to introduce my boyfriend to this girl in hopes that he would leave me for her.

That was the last straw for me.

What is everyone's opinion on this? I can't be in a relationship anymore where something so external is causing so many problems internally. Do I have any right to ask my boyfriend to end his friendship with K? If not, how do I handle this situation? I have no desire whatsoever to reconcile with K, so that's not an option. I want him out of my life--and I would hate to think that I may leave a relationship because of my boyfriend's ****ty friend. Any advice would be genuinely appreciated.
 

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Sure, it's reasonable to ask. But you need to figure out what you're going to do if your bf declines.

And given your bf's remarkable passivity and your action which-shall-not-be-mentioned, it would be just as reasonable for you to break up with your bf.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
your bf's remarkable passivity


@GTdad

Yes, my boyfriend not being defensive or protective is a whole separate issue for me and something that obviously needs to be dealt with. As I mentioned in my post though, what is strange is that it's only with K. He had another friend, Z, who admitted who having a crush on me, which was a little out of line and didn't need to be brought up in the first place, and my boyfriend was pissed, and didn't talk to Z for months. But with K...my boyfriend, as I said, has this weird desire not to upset him about anything. I don't think he is scared of K, but he is certainly not looking to confront K at all.
 

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Well I'm not going to touch the relationship aspect of it. You guys are very young and there is already a lot of drama there and I suspect you are both in the "learning who you are" phase. Whether you ultimately learn that you are good together or not remains to be seen.

That said, if this guy K is exactly as you describe, he is toxic for your boyfriend and will ultimately drag him down. He should have figured that out on his own by now (he is old enough), but hasn't. He likely has some insecurities and, for lack of a better way to phrase it, feels better about himself being a follower of the "alpha dog".

Super common for guys in high school... by 24? not a good sign. By 24 a guy should already be a man and working on establishing what kind of man he is, not still following around his image of what the "cool guy" looks like.

To your original question? You can ask, but it won't work honestly and your BF will likely choose K over you (hate to say it). Especially since there has already been a rift.

What you can possibly do is subtly try to help him see who this guy is and how he is a bad influence.

Does your boyfriend work? Does K work? Do you? Is anyone in school?

I hate to sound like an old man, but to me kids in their 20s should be 250,000% focused on how they're going to manage to feed themselves over the next 30 years. Your generation is inheriting a pretty big pile of crap, unfortunately, and there isn't a lot of room for nonsense. The ones who can step away from this kind of drama early, and focus on what matters, will be the ones on top long term. And in the future "on top" will be far more vital than it even is now (the "middle" is going away)

OK... turning off "dad mode" now :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well I'm not going to touch the relationship aspect of it. You guys are very young and there is already a lot of drama there and I suspect you are both in the "learning who you are" phase. Whether you ultimately learn that you are good together or not remains to be seen.

That said, if this guy K is exactly as you describe, he is toxic for your boyfriend and will ultimately drag him down. He should have figured that out on his own by now (he is old enough), but hasn't. He likely has some insecurities and, for lack of a better way to phrase it, feels better about himself being a follower of the "alpha dog".

Super common for guys in high school... by 24? not a good sign. By 24 a guy should already be a man and working on establishing what kind of man he is, not still following around his image of what the "cool guy" looks like.

To your original question? You can ask, but it won't work honestly and your BF will likely choose K over you (hate to say it). Especially since there has already been a rift.

What you can possibly do is subtly try to help him see who this guy is and how he is a bad influence.

Does your boyfriend work? Does K work? Do you? Is anyone in school?

I hate to sound like an old man, but to me kids in their 20s should be 250,000% focused on how they're going to manage to feed themselves over the next 30 years. Your generation is inheriting a pretty big pile of crap, unfortunately, and there isn't a lot of room for nonsense. The ones who can step away from this kind of drama early, and focus on what matters, will be the ones on top long term. And in the future "on top" will be far more vital than it even is now (the "middle" is going away)

OK... turning off "dad mode" now :)
I agree with your analysis largely. My boyfriend and I are both at 4 year universities. My boyfriend is the head of technology and web director at a hockey company. K works at a pet supply store and is in community college...and only because he got discharged from the Air Force. I think deep down my boyfriend knows the truth about this friend, but for reasons unknown can't find it in himself to walk away, despite the problems it's causing between us. At some point, I will have to walk.
 

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One of your BFs friends had a crush on you the other did/does not. Your BF was threatened by the guy who had genuine feelings for you. That guy is more of a threat to your relationship than K could ever be.

However, this K fella is actually dangerous. He has molested or attempted to molest you on a number of occasions. You need to protect yourself physically from him. Call the police. Get a restraining order. Have him arrested or something.

That will be the real test for your bf. K is your bfs best friend. I imagine it's tough for him to side with either of you more than the other. But if you push the issue by calling the police, you are protecting yourself and finding out what kind of man your bf really is.

Seriously this is a dangerous situation. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself anywhere near this K guy!
 

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K was always loyal to your boyfriend. You weren't and K will make sure your boyfriend hears that at every instance.

It's best for you to move on. I wouldn't like changing for you wither. Either expect him and his friends or leave.
 

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I'm just going to tell you what I would've done...and have done in your same situation...I'm not saying that that's what you should do, but please listen to what your gut is telling you.

first of all in this part:
I walked to the kitchen and started pouring it down the drain when he came up to me, aggressively grabbed my wrist, and said "Who do you think you are, you ****ing *****?"
I would have thrown that M-'fer out of my families house right then and there. The fact that you bf did nothing there, especially being YOUR families house, is appalling!


This part here:
grabbed my breast and said "You know you're coming home with me tonight, right?
I tried to brush it off and elected not to tell my boyfriend.
WHY in the world wouldn't you make an immediate SCENE about someone touching your BREAST!? I would have yelled bloody murder and told it on the mountain!
and WHY didn't you tell your BF so he could kick his ass?!


Seriously, this guy is indeed toxic, disgusting, evil, jealous, miserable ahole, and if your boyfriend can't confront him for whatever reason then i don't know what to say.

Could it be that K has some info on your BF and is blackmailing him? because to me it sounds like your bf is afraid to "upset" K, why? I don't know, but it sounds suspicious. I knew about a situation like that where a buddy friend was allowed to act like a butthead because he knew the bf had cheated on his girl, but I'm not saying that's your situation at all.

Why haven't you said "no more"? it's ok to demand that, you know. it's about respect. K does not respect you, and your bf is obviously not respecting your feelings either.
 

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So, your boyfriend got pissed at the guy who had a crush on you, but he's ok with k grabbing your ass? What kind of man is that? If my guy failed to stand up for me and protect me in such circumstance, it would really be a deal breaker. I once had a bf like that, and he had friends like k.
guess.what? When my bf and i had fights, those friends of his that he pedestalized so much, tried to get me in bed and said they wanted me from the very begining. I'm pretty sure that k would jump under your skirt if he could. He is just a miserable, obnoxious guy jealous of his best friend relationship. And if your bf can't see that, if his friends are more important to him than you, then he does not love you. Dump him & find a man who acts like a man, not like a boy. You can do better.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
K was always loyal to your boyfriend. You weren't and K will make sure your boyfriend hears that at every instance.

It's best for you to move on. I wouldn't like changing for you wither. Either expect him and his friends or leave.
Though I see what you're trying to say...I'm not sure how you don't see K's violating me as being disloyal to my boyfriend. If one of my friends hit on him (or almost hit him), I'd see that friend as pretty damn disloyal.
 

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sydney:

I know *YOU* see it as two separate issues, but it's not. It's one issue, and you're not focused on it.

Your BF does NOT stand up for you. Not against insults (at your parents' condo), not against physical assaults (grabbing your wrist @ parents condo, grabbing your ass in front of him), not in the loyalty department. Whatever his guilt trip or bromance or whatever is with K, it's worth MORE TO HIM than you are.

Plain and simple. You're NOT the LOVE of his LIFE. If you were, none of the above would EVER have been tolerated...not from K, not from anybody. You're NOT the LOVE of his LIFE...you're the cute gf he's banging, but that's ALL you are!

This relationship has outlived it's usefulness. He treats you disrepectfully by allowing others to treat you disrespectfully. You have cheated on him. There is NOTHING left to salvage.

End this now with dignity for BOTH OF YOU! This week. Finish it NOW.

After you end it with bf, be sure to stay FAR AWAY from K because that is one SNAKE IN THE GRASS whom I would NOT put it past to attack you (read that rape) either drunk or sober. He's a mean, sick psycho....stay the hell away from him! (Consider changing your cellphone number once you break up with bf.)
 
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