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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is another attempt to understand my situation.

Can best friends be spouses? I have always heard that is so important to be friends with the person you marry so that when times get tough and as you grow older, you can lean on that friendship.

Well, my friendship with my wife seems to be our achilles heel. We were very close friends for about a year and a half after we first met. We would stay up until the odd hours of the morning talking about everything. We took turns being romantically attached to each other while the other wasn't interested until finally we matched up. We got married right after graduation from college. We were very happy. We shared so many things and believed that we wanted the same things in life. We thought we were bulletproof, as did our friends and family.

Well, time went by and we fell into the trap of not paying enough attention to each other. We stopped doing the little romantic things (her moreso than myself), and we became basically roommates. The thing is, we were still pretty happy because we were still very good friends. We still had a good time doing things together and we enjoyed each others company. The problem is that our friendship was hiding how bad our marriage was becoming. A long time ago, apparently, my wife stopped being in love with me. She hasn't felt sexually attracted to me for many years. For fear that it would hurt our friendship, she never said anything. Well it festered for so long that she ended up having an emotional affair with a coworker that lasted for over two months. When it finally came to a head, she told me that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, might never have been, but that she loves me very much and and terrified of losing me as a friend. Not terrified enough to not divorce me so she can have sex with other people, but I guess I should be thankful that she at least values me as a friend.

My problem is that I am her husband first and her friend second. She cannot have me as a friend if she rejects me as a husband. They are the same thing to me. The love I feel for her is in both capacities and they cannot be split. For her, they are separate. She wants to be married to someone she feels attracted to, but wants me to be her friend for forever. She loves me for the kind, gentle, funny, sweet, caring, fun, dependable, smart, and loving guy that I am. But she doesn't know if she can stay married to me, knowing that she (according to her) cannot connect to me in a sexually intimate way.

I have pointed out to her that she can have me as both or neither. I am not strong enough to split my love. I have pointed out to her that we used to feel that connection, and she used to find me attractive, even if just a little. We can find that again, and with the proper efforts, make it stronger. She doesn't believe that, but has, to her credit, said she will give it a shot. She is doing it for our friendship, but not our marriage, but at least she is going to try.

We are half way there because I am and always will be head over heels in love with her. She just needs to get herself there as well. I believe that our friendship guarantees that we will be great life partners if we can resolve our current situation. But her stubbornness and her sex drive might be stronger than everything else right now.

Thoughts? Advice? Thanks for listening.
 

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We had a similar discussion to what you asked not to long ago:
BrokenFrag said:
Can best friends be spouses? I have always heard that is so important to be friends with the person you marry so that when times get tough and as you grow older, you can lean on that friendship.
It can be found here "Do you have to be bestfriends?"
 

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I would simply say 'yes' to your original question. But in your case I think the question should be 'can spouses just be friends' and my answer, as I think yours is, is no.

In my case friendship is what brought us together (online). We connected so well I went to see her in real life, even though she lived in another country. We got on straight away, and have been in a relationship ever since. Now we're engaged. I cannot imagine that our relationship would have worked or lasted without friendship but it is so much more than friendship. For one, there is an intimacy and trust between us that I do not - and would not want - with any other friend. Without that, our relationship would be dead, I think, quite honestly. I really don't mean to imply that your relationship is dead - although in a way it clearly is for your wife - but keeping the flame of desire alive requires more than friendship, I think. You need love.

I'm not really sure what to suggest for you, apart from really sitting down with her and talking about her sex drive and what you can do to meet it, and what she can do for you to help meet it. If you can't succeed in this, then I think you have real problems because a loveless marriage must be a horrible place to be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well, the more and more I think about it, I am the best friend she ever had, and I tried to treat her like my best friend (trusted her, confided in her, had a great time with her), but something has always been missing. She has issues with her self worth. People have always gravitated towards her without her ever trying for or wanting the attention. Even now, knowing that she is almost entirely responsible for the situation that we are in, she doesn't want to fight for it. Maybe because she doesn't think the friendship and the marriage aren't worth it, or maybe because she thinks she is not worth it.

I still believe we have everything we need to live happily ever after. I just don't know how to convince her of that.

30somethingguy. I am happy that you are happy, and I don't want to disillusion you, but my wife and I felt the same way when we were first together. We couldn't have imagined finding a better person in life, and we couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope you are able to hang on to that for the rest of yours. And sex isn't necessarily the problem. It is the connection during sex that is. Her physical needs are met, but not her emotional ones. But, she has stopped trying, so there really isn't anything more for me to do but prepare myself to be alone for the first time in 10 years.
 
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