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Can anyone offer advice.

990 Views 7 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  JustNeedAnEar
I'll try to make this breif.
I'm 44, married for almost 3 yrs to my second wife. It's both of ours second marriage. Together, we've got 5 kids. I had 2 previously, she had 2, and together, we have 1. All but one of mine live with us. I don't work, because I'm disabled. I do, however, have a nice disability income. She does work, a lot, and makes pretty good money. We have a home, car, and all that comes with being a grown up now days.

With that said. Things seemed pretty good with us until about 2 or 3 months ago. She was always up late, online, watching friends of ours host online radio shows about vaping (an alternative to smoking cigarettes, which we both quit). One Sat. morning I woke up, and went to log into my facebook, but didn't know it was logged into hers. I saw a message waiting, so I looked at it. It was from a guy we both knew, and when I saw it was to her, and very flirtatious, I read through the message thread. There was a lot of sexual innuendo, flirting, and just ingeneral improper conversation for someone who is married. I waited until she woke up, because she works hard during the week and I try to let her catch up on the weekends, then more or less questioned her about it. I was hurt. I felt betrayed a bit. Well, a lot, in total honesty. To that point, I'd almost completely trusted my wife, except for one small period when she was traveling weekly out of town for her previous job for almost 6 months straight. During that time, I thought she did something one night while a co-worker from here was there with her, because she was mad at me and they both went to a club together. This particular co-worked had just recently admitted to her that she'd not only had an affair, but an abortion due to it, all without her significant other knowing. Anyway, during this private message session between my spouse and this person, she said she had made out with someone previously for 30 seconds. When I asked particularly about this, she said " I was lying to him". Really? Why lie to someone you've never met and lives over 1500 miles away? Anyway. When I confronted her about all of this, she said it was my fault, that I was being petty if I said anything to him, and that she'd talk to whomever she chose. I felt more threatened than anything at this point, so I somewhat accepted it. That monday, I called and scheduled for marriage counseling, which is due to happen FINALLY this next Wednesday. (So, essentially, it's taken 2 or so months to get here). When I brought it up to her, she said she'd go, but then she messaged this guy to say that I'm the woman in the relationship and that I'd scheduled counseling. She also told him to say whatever to her, don't change, that it's my fault of anything she's done or does. That we have problems. I get having problems, but I also think adults talk about them together, or with someone who has their best interests in mind, not to random people online.

Since I moved past this particular issue, because I know she rarely talks to him (but when she does, I notice her telling him little lies, and it confuses me), she get's mad at the drop of a hat. I wake her up in the morings for work, because she won't wake up to alarms typically, but she keeps going back to bed. Usually during the course of this, she finds reasons to yell (I know what time it is! I heard you! I'm Up...leave me alone), but then when she finds out she got up late, it becomes "Why didn't you wake me up by.......??!!??"
I make her lunch and breakfast to take with her, as well as coffee for here and her commute. If for some reason I am sick she complains I left her in a lurch. If I forget to pack something, I should just stop helping her, because if I help her and don't do something, then she counted on me, and I let her down. It seems, especially in the mornings, I can do no right. This morning, she asked me about something, which I told her was by her purse last night, and as she tried to find it (she'd already put it in her work bag), she yelled at me to "just go away, i'll find it!".
During the daytime, we talk through messenger on Facebook off and on, and she does call sometimes. She broke down crying last week because of my bloodpressure. She said "I can't make it though life without my other half. I can't do this alone. We need to get you better". She's working this week to get me seen by my dr. next week on b.p meds, as well as anything else I might need. She often initiates conversation about events in the short and long term future with both of us. She even talks about it all fondly.
I just don't know what's going on. I feel like she's being deceptive about something. I know, at one point in the last 5 months, she took a "payday loan" to help pay for some legal billls due to a custody hearing for one of her kids. She never mentioned it to me, and when I asked she said she had, and she says she's payed it, but I know she hasn't payed it, atleast all of it, yet. I asked her about our car payments, which she says are all current, but I know she was on the website for it this morning for some reason. Not sure why, though. We've had water cut off, which I had to pay out of my disability check (actually, I had to advance money from my bank) because she constantly over-spends. She is CONSTANTLY checking her bank's site/balance on her phone, and when she does, she practically hides the screen from me. If I ask, she says don't worry about it. I've never seen her bank statements or balance, she's seen mine because I'm totally open about what I have. We're a family, our money SHOULD go to the family first, then when the family's bills are paid, we get our own spending cash.
I dunno what's going on at all. She says she wants to be with me forever. She says she is totally in love with me, I'm her soulmate. She says ..she says... but then she acts like this and calls me "crazy" if I question ANYthing she does.

Any help or advice ANYONE can give is GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks in advance...........
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Sounds like she has lots of baggage and is afraid of divorcing again.

She probably is a mess and does not see proper boundaries in your marriage...face it you've both failed before.

She needs to learn what marriage really is about. Sounds like she could use a heavy dose of IC.
Well lots of issues for a young marriage. Are you saying her behavior towards you is worse after you discovered her talking to another man? Who is this man & how to do you both know him? Is he married?

Read the threads in the CWI forum on this site. She may be having an EA with FB dude.
Based on all that I have read it sounds like she may be taking you for granted. I don't know that she sounds trustworthy to me. I think you need to gather up some solid evidence and take confront the darkness in your relashionship. Do not let her walk all over you, if she doesn't appreciate your help than let her do it on her own.
We've been married for 3 yrs, but together for almost 7. Yes, since I found out (and according to the pm's, I apparently found out the 2nd day they'd talked, give or take.) I left my previous wife because she was dishonest and constantly cheated, and my current wife left her previous husband because he was emotionally unavailable and controlling, the controlling part is why she wants control completely of her own finances.
I don't know all the terminology. Trying2, what does "does of IC" mean?
I don't know all the terminology. Trying2, what does "does of IC" mean?
Individual Counseling
Ahh, ok. We talked a little about that today and she said that she thinks now, after previously being on anti-depressants, that they're crutches because she never felt anything while on them. I don't know where she currently stands on counseling, individual or couples, right now. I'm seriously almost to the point of taking my next disability check due in a week and just getting an apartment for myself, my 17yr old daughter, and my 4yr old son, and just moving on. This woman's the absolute love of my life, but I'm afraid she's waiting to just rip my heart right out of my chest.
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