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Discussion Starter #1
My wife is following the script:
"I love you, but I am not in love with you".
You are my best friend.
I need space.
I haven't been happy for a long time.
It has been all about the kids.
I am happy with him.
I thought I was blindsided, but I was just blind. The pink elephant was in the room, but because I love her so much I refused to believe she could be having an affair until it became undeniable....an epiphany.
So here I am wondering if there is a way to end the affair without just waiting it out. A couple days before I knew for certain what was happening she suggested counselling. She had been mean to me which almost never happens. Now she is reluctant to go to counselling. So that appears to be a dead end for now. She told our son. So that roadblock is out of the way. Some of her friends know but I haven't spoken with them. Her sister knows and is prepared to intervene. Would more intervention help? Who has tried? Who has failed?
 

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iamnottheonlyone,

See posts written by Affaircare and Tanelornpete. I'm not the expert they are on breaking affairs and they lay it out the process and steps to take very well.

First ask her to stop after gathering all evidence needed. It seems you are beyond that point. Second, expose to her family and friends -- in a calm and compassionate way letting them know you are trying to work on the marriage and need him out of the way for this to succeed. Seems her sister is on board with that. There are more steps. But I know they'd suggest you go to marriagebuilders.com and review info on love extinquishers, love kindlers, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for the advise. I have checked the websites and reviewed some of the things you have written over time. All these things were helpful in putting things in perspective. So much of what has gone down is "scripted". I have asked one of my wife's good friends to step up. I knew she must have known what was going on. And she did. My wife's friend said she believes in marriage and working through things but will not step up to tell her to stop the affair. They are all co-workers. I talked to another friend of hers who said she would stand by me if I asked for intervention. She said she would do her best. She does not know the boyfriend.

I would really like to know if any one has tried any of this "exposure" and found to be of help. If you read this, please give it a reply.
 

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Thank you for the advise. I have checked the websites and reviewed some of the things you have written over time. All these things were helpful in putting things in perspective. So much of what has gone down is "scripted". I have asked one of my wife's good friends to step up. I knew she must have known what was going on. And she did. My wife's friend said she believes in marriage and working through things but will not step up to tell her to stop the affair. They are all co-workers. I talked to another friend of hers who said she would stand by me if I asked for intervention. She said she would do her best. She does not know the boyfriend.

I would really like to know if any one has tried any of this "exposure" and found to be of help. If you read this, please give it a reply.

Go to Marriage Builders website/forum and search on exposure. You will find that to be quite a popular subject (and highly recommended by the Harleys). It might not be right for everyone...I guess it depends on your personal situation (although some of the posters over there are rabid supporters of exposing affairs to family, friends, etc.)

Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums
 

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Discussion Starter #5
What did you do? I just picked up my wife at the airport. (She is staying at her girlfriends) She said "I love you too" today. But when I asked if I was making progress she said I was not. I said that if we were going to make this work she would have to stop seeing OP. She has has been thinking about that but she will continue because she likes it. I can't tell her what to do. I asked if she wanted a divorce. She said she did not. I told her that most of these affairs end in 6 months after exposure. She said she stopped caring about me romantically years ago. (We've had enjoyable sex a couple times a month until the last two months). Then we go to dinner and you would think there was nothing wrong. Looks into my eyes, holds my gaze; absolutley charming. What is up? Is she an incredible fraud? No wonder I never saw this coming? I do love her. Do I wait this out until the flame burns out? I am not angry, but she seems to be. Masking very well. How can I get through.
 

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Wow, she obviously cares for you, even though you cant see that bc of what she is doing with the OP. She seems very attached to this OP IMO, and that is not a good thing for your marriage or you you or her. That is destructive in and of itself. That being said, she can care for you and even love you and not be attracted to you anymore... it does happen in marriage. You mentioned something about you improving and her saying no you havent.

I agree with closing off her accounts so that you are not funding her activity, thats just wrong/weird actually. I also agree that if you love her that you welcome her back with open arms if she ends the affair, but you truly have to welcome her back, but even then, she may punish you for having her remove this other person. My husband has been punishing me for a year because he had to stop contact with other woman... dont know if he is punishing bc he saw me as the person who took her away or because he was still in contact with her and felt guilty and took it out on me. Either way, he is finally crawling back out of his depressed hole... but still not the person he was... he was having this affair with her while we were dating and even while he was dating others before me... it was going on for 7 years.

I think it has finally reached the end and that is why he is coming out of his hole, so there is something to be said for just waiting it out... bc she may continue to see him secretly anyway. So you could out her and then she will continue anyway as it sounds like her attachment and enjoyment of him is high.

Tread lightly if you dont want to lose her. It may just require firm patience.
 

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The only way she will stop the affair is if you make the AFFAIR not as much fun. If you tell her parents and siblings and other best friends, she will KNOW everyone disapproves of her. If you tell HIS parents, siblings, and friends, they will disapprove of him.

Suddenly, this wonderful fantasy love they think they have will start to smell like yesterday's garbage (assuming he's not just doing it to get some free sex).

And if they work together, you need to go to their HR department and let them know there's a workplace affair going on and you expect them to look into it before you consider whether to get a lawyer. And the lawyer will look for the rich company before they go after any people.

Yes, exposure WORKS.

I've been at MB for years, and I have seen literally dozens of marriages fixed, but ONLY after the betrayed spouse exposes the affair and makes it obvious to the affair partners that no one is going to just accept this replacement person. Your wife will NOT get to bring this guy home to Thanksgiving Dinner.

Plus, I will add that with wayward wives, only those husbands who take swife, decisive, powerful action accomplish this. The ones who wring their hands, profess their love, beg their spouse to remember the past, etc....those guys LOSE their wives because the wives lose all respect for him.

Your wife NEEDS you to fight for her.

That's why she went out and found a guy who WOULD take strong action, even if it's just to cheat. He excites her because he's not a pansy like her husband (sorry, but that's how a wayward wife thinks).

Yes, exposure works.

You gather proof. You ask her to quit. If she refuses, you expose. Then you shut off her access to money if she's using it to pay for the affair. You close her phone if you're paying for it. You tell her that you will not accept her carrying on ANY affair activity in YOUR home or in front of YOUR kids, and if she does, you will ask her to leave. And if she still continues, you kick her out. Yes, this does work.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for the help everyone. I am heading out to my first therapy session in a few minutes. I really don't know what to expect. Let me add a few things from Right now we are sharing an extra car my brother had. I crashed our car 2 days after I found out while I was trying to pay attention. She texted me this morning:
" I am feeling a lot of angst & frustration due to my lack of transportation.. I'm STILL dependant on you for the car.. I don't have the ability to go where I want when I want! You have the control which makes me resentful...do you get that?"
By the way, she keeps her paycheck..about $50K. She pays for the car (not the insurance) and the rent on a winter ski house (not the utilities). I think the affair was triggered about the time she ran up a $20K credit card bill she couldn't pay and I urged her to get it under control with a credit counselling which she did. She resents me for helping her out of the last 3 similar situations. This all caused me to be more distant and detached. So I do take responsibility for not giving her things she needs. I can see that intervention has its attractions and so does seperation. Anyone have any success with either?
Thanks again for your feedback. I feel much better having people to talk to.
 

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And you answer: "I only have control because we are dealing with your infidelity and your credit issues. If you want more control, take steps to eradicate those issues."
 

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I've been following this thread, but haven't replied, mostly because I have been trying to get a handle on the exact situation. I will have to say this: you got very good advice from RWB and Turnera. If you want your marriage to recover you would be wise to take their advice. There are still some things I am confused about...

You wife texts:

" I am feeling a lot of angst & frustration due to my lack of transportation.. I'm STILL dependant on you for the car.. I don't have the ability to go where I want when I want! You have the control which makes me resentful...do you get that?"
Your wife makes $50K and is complaining about transportation. This makes no sense. With that kind of money, she can pay cash for a decent vehicle. She can get a reliable one for $1500 - $2000. May not be a status symbol, but it is transportation. If you thought this through, you would have to conclude that the issue has nothing to do with transportation. But I do wonder if her comment on control is more on target. How much control do you exert over her? People tend to resent anyone who controls them.

A better way to do things is to avoid control altogether, and instead, allow natural consequences to occur. For example, she runs up a huge credit card debt. Let her handle it. It is no reflection on you.

I do want to point out something:

She resents me for helping her out of the last 3 similar situations.
No, she does not resent you helping her. She resents the way she is treated AFTER the help is offered. What she is 'resentful' of (is it a possibility that is the wrong term?) is this:

This all caused me to be more distant and detached.
Instead of emotional support, you remove yourself. And she finds someone else who DOES offer it. As usual, that's the way most affairs happen.

I can see that intervention has its attractions and so does seperation.
Could you please explain what you mean by 'intervention'? If you mean the same thing as a drug intervention, then I would honestly say this would most likely have negative results. There are much better - and more effective steps - to take. See the post by RWB, stuff written by Turnera, see Marriage Builders, and by Affaircare and myself. We've been at this a long, long time, and we have seen it work over and over.

As for separation: that is a step you take AFTER you exhaust the preceding steps. Do it too soon, and you will simply end your marriage.

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Now playing: Rick Wakeman - Catherine of Aragon
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In terms of outing her... maynot work if her friends already know. If you only have your opinion of your marriage on your side (as most men do not talk with their best buddies about marital issues), then you may be surprised to find that her friends already know, parents etc.... if this is the case and they already have an opinion of your marriage or you, outing will backfire.

There is some great advice here, just have to make sure you know your situation well enough to choose the best way.

She makes her own money so stripping her of that wont work, you arent funding her affair.

WIth my husband, I had to state calmy several times, that I would leave the marriage if he didnt start choosing us as a priority. Its not what I want, but I realized that myhusband is so stubbron that it requires a stubborness in return that exceeds his own. He would initially throw back "how could you do that, you cant afford it." Then he said "you wouldnt do it..." I had to calmly stand my ground. I also said I dont want to divorce, but I feel as if he would rather live with lies and distance than an actual marriage (which honestly, I think that is what he prefers). So since this ultimatum he has started stating that he doesnt want us to divorce, he doesnt want me to leave and he wants to have sex. The other woman was in town this past week, so I dont know if something happened there that dissapointed him to the point of seeking me out again or what.

I have to say I did some damage control talking with the other woman as well:) She had left an abusive first husband and my husband had begun to emotionally and sometimes physically be abusive... I let her know what was going on in a "girlfriend kind of way. Not at first... I befriended her, she is on my FB page, not his and updated with good things initially. Then, I asked if I could confide. I knew it would destroy whatever feelings she still had for him. I had to do it to bring my husband back to me. Its taken about a year, but it was worth it to end that delusion he had created and she had been spoon feeding.

Perhaps reconsider talking to the OM? Differnt things work for different people.
 

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whynot has valid points, but I would like to point out a BIG fallacy that so very many people make: ASSUMING.

People ASSUME friends know, or parents know, or siblings know, or work knows. In fact, they typically don't. That's half of the allure of an affair - sneaking. That's what gets the adrenaline pumping - not getting caught.

Also, by assuming, you are cutting off a big source of support for you and potential damage for the affair.
 

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whynot has valid points, but I would like to point out a BIG fallacy that so very many people make: ASSUMING.

People ASSUME friends know, or parents know, or siblings know, or work knows. In fact, they typically don't. That's half of the allure of an affair - sneaking. That's what gets the adrenaline pumping - not getting caught.

Also, by assuming, you are cutting off a big source of support for you and potential damage for the affair.
My cheating wife was telling her girlfriends that i was the one who was cheating! It was so bizarre. She's off screwing a guy for most of a decade and during her walks, going for coffee, etc., with her girlfriends she'd whine about me with totally fabricated stories about me. She admitted this to me years later.

I was so angry I made her call up her best girlfriend and tell her the truth.

I used to wonder why I'd get the stink eye from this group of ladies.

Now I know why.

My wife was so messed up that she would be cheating and complaining to her friends about me, get all that hand-wringing and complain about men/cheating husbands for some twisted ego stroke, then go out and do worse than she told them I did. Nevermind that I didn't do it!

What I am trying to say is that a cheating wife lies in ways that you cannot imagine happening. Airing the truth to any and all can only be good.
 

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To add to what turnera said, family and friends only know what they are told. In my situation when I went to expose to friends I was sure my wife had already talked to them. She had, but left out many of the details of her actions. She had told them she was falling in love with another guy, but not how far their relationship had actually gone. They were very surprised when I provided that information.

The only one that didn't seem too surprised was the one that is having problems in her own marriage.
 

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And those are almost ALWAYS the worst enemies of your marriage. It's like they want to drag your spouse down with them.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thank you all for your advise. I do appreciate it. But remember I asked her to leave as soon as I found out. She left that morning. She thought I told her to tell our son and she did. She is angry with me. It is fair to say there was a fair amount of neglect by both us. I accepted it, which I shouldn't have. She had a natural outlet because of her job. I am trying to put deposits in the love bank but with so little time together I think I am taking more withdrawals. It is so difficult to be upbeat when your heart is ripped out. I am only crying for short bursts once or trice a day and generally about the same images or reflections. In the three days that I had a clue as to what was going on before confrontation and at the confrontation every turn was the wrong one. I am starting to feel like a wimp. I am thinking she is trying to manipulate me, even rewriting our recent history.
I complement her. I have bought flowers on two occasions. She told me to stop. I think I should continue to bring flowers. Not paying her phone bill or her car insurance I see are withdrawals. Getting the second car I/we can't afford is a plus and a minus. She sees me in the positive light of working with her and giving her independence and she has the indepence to drive to her boyfriend's whenever she wants.
As to me bailing her out...each time the issue came up there was a lot of tension. She has nothing to show for spending that kind of money. I never looked at her credit card bil except by accident when opening bills. That is how I found out. No new jewelry. No new clothes...except the draw full of thongs. All the money is spent while traveling. So you see all this training in concealing came to use in the last few months.
I agree that the neglect and inattention from my could be the result of these incidents. It stressed all the things we did together.
Given what you know, all of you, How do I make deposits in the love bank. I text her twice a day even if we talk. All positive thoughts. At this point it seems she just doesn't want to here it. I believe I just have to push through and hope the affair collapses of its own weight. What do you think?
 

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Ask her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire. It will teach you what YOU do that she doesn't like, so you can stop doing it.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
By the way, I slept fairly well last night. Is saw the therapist yesterday. She was no more helpful than you folk. I don't mean that in bad way. Being able to get all of this off my chest to those I can trust is helpful. I think sleep came easier as I am getting perspective. There is no majic bullet. The financial situation for me will only get worse for the next several months no matter what I do. If I don't get the second car I save the money but pay it to a divorce lawyer. Then what we have is split and she can blow all of that. Spend now or spend later.
I am thinking to spin my wheels with a 6 month window before starting to think of other companions. That would put us at our 20th wedding anniversary.
Should I ask her if it is okay to talk with our closest mutual freinds? Should I tell them and ask them to keep it to themselves? I think this one of the areas that is causing a lot of anxiety for me.
What do you think?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I printed out the love busters stuff out two days ago but with the statement by her that I was not making progress, I didn't give it to her. I did not work on mine. She could see this as another attempt at control. I am asking her to do something...withdrawal from the love bank. Maybe I should ask her if she would consider doing it so I can gain a better underatanding about where I went wrong.
 

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Exactly. Make it about YOU, how YOU screwed up. She should love the chance to tell you. ;)

btw, you don't have to agree to any legal separation or divorce proceedings, in most places. You can refuse to participate, stating only "I don't talk divorce; I only talk marriage." That will gain you time to show her why she should choose you. What marriagebuilders calls Plan A - you being the most awesome you that you can be. The LB and EN questionnaires are part of that step.

Friends...you need someone to talk to. If your goal is to prove to her that you are 100% reliable, tell her first that you need someone to talk to and you're going to talk to them. You don't need her permission.
 
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