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My husband and i have been married for 7 years and have 2 small kids under the age of 5. A few years ago i finally told him that i had an attraction to women but not how deep it was. Well this past year has been huge for us, went thru a lot of changes and broke free from a religious cult. Well, this freedom from the bondage i'd experienced my entire life has finally given me the courage to be more honest about who i really am and to be more authentic and to just really live my life. A few months ago my husband began to encourage me to seek out a girl that i could fulfill my fantasies with and i did. I met a girl that i really like and really connected with. All we've done is make out and heavy petting. Hubby got to watch us make out a couple of times so he was thrilled, everyone was getting what they wanted. The problem came when I told him how much i loved it and that it was better than what i'd dreamed it would be. I've been attracted to women since i was in kindergarten, that was my first female crush, its not just some phase. I got married to a man and had children because it was what i thought i should be doing, i was trying to do the right thing, plus i really loved him. But now things are really confusing and we are both hurting and don't know how to fix it. He has forbid me to see her or any other women but i really don't know if i can do that. Can a marriage survive like this?? How can we make it better?? We are going to marriage counseling starting next week but what else can we do??? HELP
 

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Yes,how true that old saying is.Be careful for what you wish.
When you get it you can never go back.If you knew you prefered
females before you got married you should have never married your
husband.

This will most likely damage him more than if you had
an affair with a male.I have seen this first hand.
A door has been opened that can never be closed.
Sorry there,s no fix for this.Even though he told you to
you in a way cheated.
Get a divorce and maybe both of you can find happiness.
 

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I don't see this as something that is your fault alone. What you did was with your husbands permission. He was looking for sexual pleasure. As you said, everybody got what they wanted. Your husband got to watch you with a woman, while you got to be with one and the woman got to be with one too. .

You and your husband opened the door of your marriage to another person and you both got burned. While you were playing this game, you forgot the two small innocents whose lives are your responsiblity. You two trashed their lives to persue sexual thrills.

You need to pull out all the stops to keep your family together for the sake of your kids. One of your tags is bi-sexual. Are you attracted to both men and women? Were you sexually attracted to your husband before this woman came along? Be honest, don't remake your marital history to justify your activities.

If you are bi and your attraction to your husband existed before this girl came into the picture then you can make a choice. NC with this woman, concentrate on finding your way back to your husband and never persue a man or woman outside of your marriage.

Don't let your husband point his finger at you and dont feel that you are more at fault than he. He needs to acknowledge the damage his thrill-seeking did. If he was not engaged in a selfish behavior with you, this would not have happened.

If he acted as the leader of the family and sought MC to handle the sexual issue, there is a good chance that you would have been able to overcome this. If you acted to protect the stability of the lives of your children, that same outcome was possible.
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Obvisouly your marriage cannot survive like this. You are not interested in your husband anymore. Why continue to stay married if you are wanting other women? How is that fair to him? You said you loved him as in past tense. You can't force your feelings towards women to go away but you should not drag your husband through that either. It isn't fair to him.
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She told him she was attracted to women before marriage. He made the choice to marry her. He was a willing participant in her persuit of a woman. It seems he was looking for every man's dream, a threesome. I am certain he was not planning on just looking. He would have eventually wanted to participate in exchange for letting her have a woman.

He was not dragged anywhere. Her husband was foolish enough to walk into a hornets nest looking for pleasure. What reasonable person would look for pleasure in such a dangerous place. He was thinking with his little brain and it was what dragged him to a bad place. Her husband is a big boy, he had the choice to think with his big brain.
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When did she say this in her post? I'm not trying to be rude but she says she has been married for 7 years and just a few years ago she finally told him she was attracted to women. She didn't say anything about telling him prior to marriage. In fact, they were part of a religious cult, so I would assume she didn't mention this aspect of herself a lot.



I am certain her husband was looking to be in on a threesome. However, I am pretty sure he wasn't thinking he would lose her completely to women. I don't think that it's fair that she continue to pursue other women and stay married to her husband. He obviously has issues with this as well.

Unless counseling can convince her to not having feelings for other women, which would put her right back where she was with the cult by suppressing her feelings, (which she has already stated that is not a phase and she is very much into women), or is willing to make this an open marriage where her husband can pursue other women as well, I don't see how this will work. She would remain miserable and have to forfeit her feelings toward women.

OP, I hope you can find happiness in whatever you choose to do. It's not just about you though. You have a husband and two children. Decisions like these must be made with certainty and caution...not sexual desires.

Best answer thus far, thank you! Everything you said is spot on. And no he did not take me seriously when i told him, even when i told how deep it really was he still didn't, just thought it was hot. It wasn't until he saw how turned on and how happy it made me that he got scared and decided to pull the plug. Some one else also said that a door has been opened that cannot be closed, and its true. You can't unexperience something, it's already happened. The next step is what to do with it, and thats the part i can't figure out. What i want to do, what i need to do and what i should do are 3 totally different things. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems that no matter what decision i make some one will get hurt, and it's usually me.
 

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nope you wont be the only one hurt, your husband is hurt and may NEVER get over it odds are the marrige will be over and now 4 people 2 adults 2 kids hurt. you cant undo it. the easiest way divorce him you now know what you want to delay it. you have wanted this like you said since kindergarden.
 

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Since you have kids I think you should not divorce.

You both made a serious mistake, you by marrying a man, and he by encouraging and enjoying you falling in love with another woman.

Seen this behaviour it will probably continue like this in the rest of your lives, but then each with other people, creating more damage in the lives of yourselves, your children and others.

So why not keep married for the sake of your children, and you have a partner on the side? In earlier times the marriages were not about being 'in love' and millions of people succeeded in life like that.

The gravity of your mistakes must be carried by the both of your in my opinion, not transferred to others.
 

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Since you have kids I think you should not divorce.

You both made a serious mistake, you by marrying a man, and he by encouraging and enjoying you falling in love with another woman.

Seen this behaviour it will probably continue like this in the rest of your lives, but then each with other people, creating more damage in the lives of yourselves, your children and others.

So why not keep married for the sake of your children, and you have a partner on the side? In earlier times the marriages were not about being 'in love' and millions of people succeeded in life like that.

The gravity of your mistakes must be carried by the both of your in my opinion, not transferred to others.
he just wanted to see us kiss not fall in love.plus hi dont want anything to change between him and I.I dont want him being with another woman
 

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he just wanted to see us kiss not fall in love.plus hi dont want anything to change between him and I.I dont want him being with another woman
He really wanted to see the two off you go all the way, watch and participate. He took time to encourage you to do this. It's a deliberate plan.

It happens often that other feelings interfere with such a setup. Like you really falling in love and leaving him (out).

That's where his problem comes from now. He is jeaulous and afraid.
 

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Even though you have always felt attracted to women, it doesn't mean that the first woman you get involved with would be a good partner. While it's true that you can't "unexperience" the event, I hope you'll do some serious soul-searching before you let your marriage fall apart and bring all the collateral damage to your children.

Your first experience was thrilling and exciting to you, I get that. But I hope I can remind you that MANY people find themselves in an infatuation that will never lead to something significant because they have an unexpectedly good time with another person. There is no real bond between you and this other woman right now.

You could choose to see if one develops. What happens if it doesn't? What harm will have come to you, your children, and your husband then?

You could also choose not to see what develops. If you choose this route, you will need to ask yourself some serious questions about your sexual orientation and figure out IF your husband can satisfy you for the next couple of decades.
 

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OP, you have the problem to find out what your real feelings are for this women based on your sexual preference,
AND
the feelings caused by the so called 'FOG', that apply in situations where someone falls in love with someone outside of the marriage.

Read about the fog on these forums. That is not worth giving up your marriage for in my opinion. You will end without your husband, but also without this woman.
 
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