Can a person really change?

996 Views 7 Replies 7 Participants Last post by Chuck71, Nov 9, 2012

colorado

Discussion Starter · Nov 3, 2012

Sorry if this gets long. My husband and I have had a rocky road alot of emotional distress taken on by mostly me. This last year my husband struggled with an addiction to oxycontin pain killers and smoking pot. This almost ruined our marriage. We also would have huge disagreements of having kids, he didn't want kids (changed halfway through marriage) and I did. Well in August I had enough and told him we needed a seperation well after alot of fighting we decided to stay together with his promises to change. Well before the seperation fight I became pregnant finding out afterwards of course. Its november now and my husband has seemed to be doing good we still can't agree on having kids. I want more than one and he doesn't, he actually wants a vasectomy. He also recently hurt his back and of course got vicoden prescribed, he said don't worry I wont get bad. I just worry about well everything. Can people really change? Can he always stay this nicer person or is it a front? I would some advice or stories of previous experience.
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tryingtobebetter

· #2 · Nov 3, 2012

yes people can change if they want to.

I have definitely changed with time, some of it just the gradual mellowing that I think comes as you get older, some of it as a result of a conscious decision.

Life experiences change people, of course, though these are rarely under our control and their effect may be impossible to predict with accuracy.

Have hope.

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KathyBatesel

· #3 · Nov 3, 2012

Yes, people can change if they want to, but it's not easy or common. I'd encourage you to consider changing your own view of having more children if your husband struggles with addictions.

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2ntnuf

· #4 · Nov 3, 2012

No. Not unless they are committed. Most people will not have the intestinal fortitude it takes to commit to permanent change. They will slip up for the rest of their lives. They will not ever be perfectly changed. True change in circumstances of a relationship requires, in my opinion only, change on the parts of both parties in the relationship. One cannot change without there being a change in the other. We may not realize the change as it is happening but, we will see the results if it is occurring.

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Acorn

· #5 · Nov 3, 2012

I feel like I have undergone an incredible amount of personal growth and change in the last 3 years, but I have worked my tail off to do it. Next to my kids, it has been my #1 focus in life.

If you truly believe he's working hard on becoming a new person, the best way you could help keep it going would be to trust and accept it. In the beginning, he's evaluating his changes just as much as you are. The commitment to changing is pretty fragile in the beginning but can grow with strength and trust, and positive feedback from you.

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2ntnuf

· #6 · Nov 3, 2012

Acorn said:
I feel like I have undergone an incredible amount of personal growth and change in the last 3 years, but I have worked my tail off to do it. Next to my kids, it has been my #1 focus in life.

If you truly believe he's working hard on becoming a new person, the best way you could help keep it going would be to trust and accept it. In the beginning, he's evaluating his changes just as much as you are. The commitment to changing is pretty fragile in the beginning but can grow with strength and trust, and positive feedback from you.

To me, that means a commitment from both parties in the relationship and a change in both. I do agree.

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Tinkerbell24

· #7 · Nov 4, 2012

Change is possible. Definitely. I have changed so much since becoming a mum. I've grown up and I now have a mature outlook on life. It can be tough though when one has changed and the other is still the same. Some aspects of a person can be changed and some aspects just need to be accepted.

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Chuck71

· #8 · Nov 9, 2012

Changing is a ardent task for anyone. I dated a girl through college, solid for 4 years, off n on next 2; and I admit I drank a lot. It was the college thing, the fitting in. I never abused her in any way, she just said I was an a-hole when I drank. I stopped for six months and the next time I drank one, it tasted horrible. I changed, althought it was too late for her and I by then. But we were great matches when we met, I was 19 and she was 16, but as we grew "up" we developed different interests. I don't want to turn this into a sappy story but, the last time we were together was when we took a weeks vacation together. We felt like we did when we first met but thats vacation, not reality. But yes, change is possible if the person is committed and has a support system.

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