Can a marriage survive without trust or forgiveness?

9870 Views 26 Replies 16 Participants Last post by Saki, Nov 29, 2012

itskaren

Discussion Starter · Nov 21, 2012

I found out last month that my husband of 16 years had been having an affair for approximately 9 months. He told me it finished about 6-12 months ago.

I accidently found out via emails on his account. He admitted it. I was away with my children when I found out so I had 3 weeks to deal with it on my own. I have now been back home for about 10 days. My husband is very remorseful and he is doing everything he can to make up for what he has done.

I love him very much and want us to stay together etc. However, something inside of me has died. I cannot forgive him or trust him ever again. Not too keen on going to counselling.

Where do we go from here? Does time make things easier?

Thanks for ''listening''.

Status: Not open for further replies.

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

sharkeey

· #2 · Nov 21, 2012

Where do you get 9 months from?

Because he told you that's how long it lasted and when it finished?

Why would you believe anything he tells you after he's committed the ultimate act of deception and only came clean after you confronted him with indisputable evidence?

Stop trusting, start digging.

And no, in my opinion you can never, ever trust him again but that doesn't mean you can't save the marriage, it just won't be what it could have been if he didn't mess everything up.

Reactions: 1

itskaren

Discussion Starter · #3 · Nov 21, 2012

I am still in the 'raw'' stage. I will never get over this. I just don't know if we can get over this. He is trying to make amends. I guess it is just not enough sadly.

I will never be the same person again.

Reactions: 1

the guy

· #4 · Nov 21, 2012

Once you can confirm NC and there is real remorse then you can forgive. The trust will come much later once NC and remorse is got a good foot hold on the marriage.

walkonmars

· #5 · Nov 21, 2012

6 to 12 months?
Could he be anymore vague?

I think its total BULSHT it may still be going on but on hiatus until you calm down a bit. She still works w him right?

And if by "marriage" you mean the popularly accepted definition then no, not likely. He will have to do some real work to earn SOME of that back. Enough of it to make the marriage work otherwise its going to be a painful coexistance for the both of you and your children

Reactions: 2

the guy

· #6 · Nov 21, 2012

itskaren said:
I am still in the 'raw'' stage. I will never get over this. I just don't know if we can get over this. He is trying to make amends. I guess it is just not enough sadly.

I will never be the same person again.

None of us will be, but with time we can see if the amends our waywards make are real and true.

For now keep an eye out and continue to verify his commitment.

Reactions: 1

Sestina

· #7 · Nov 21, 2012

Just wanted to say I know how you feel. Dead inside. I'll never be the same. There is a reason many psychologists compare this to war trauma. Please take care of yourself--consider IC or medication, just make sure you have support. It's hard. It gets easier. And I'm only not quite 3 weeks out from D-Day.

Reactions: 2

itskaren

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 21, 2012

the guy said:
Once you can confirm NC and there is real remorse then you can forgive. The trust will come much later once NC and remorse is got a good foot hold on the marriage.

Sorry what is NC? thanks

sharkeey

· #9 · Nov 21, 2012

itskaren said:
Sorry what is NC? thanks

I don't get why experienced posters need to abbreviate two short words especially within a post that is a long paragraph or more, filled with much longer words. Newbies don't know what this stuff means and it's a big time waster for them to try to figure it out and for other posters to type long explanatory answers.

Confirming NC means (in this case) making sure there is No Contact between the cheating spouse and the suspected affair partner (AP).

Reactions: 1

itskaren

Discussion Starter · #10 · Nov 21, 2012

sharkeey said:
I don't get why experienced posters need to abbreviate two short words especially within a post that is a long paragraph or more, filled with much longer words. Newbies don't know what this stuff means and it's a big time waster for them to try to figure it out and for other posters to type long explanatory answers.

Confirming NC means (in this case) making sure there is No Contact between the cheating spouse and the suspected affair partner (AP).

Thank you makes sense now!

itskaren

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 21, 2012

Unfortunatley they still work together. MY husband has stated that he tries to keep a distance and only contacts her if needs be.

Very difficult to cope with but powerless to do anything about it. Her contract finishes in Feb 2013.

Acabado

· #12 · Nov 21, 2012

Remorse is good for the soul, for him. Likely it also helps you.
Still it doesn't mean you must to reconcile with him. Many people believes it's a complete dealbreaker. The thought of staying repulses them, harm thier core values. For others once the trust is broken there's no way to gain it back. It's fine. You don't need to stay. He damm knew it could cost him the marriage. He toke the risk.

The same thing happen with forgiveness. You don't have necessarily to forgive him but it might be good for you too even if you don't stay with him.

It's all about the past? Do you think if OW wasn't working there still you'd see things diferently?

walkonmars

· #13 · Nov 21, 2012

Karen two things
1. you seem to have an innate humility about you. The words " ..not proud of what i did" in the title of your first thread speak to this, as do other words like "powerless" etc in both threads. You need to gather your strength. You should get YOURSELF into counseling to address these issues and to help you cope with this fallout.

2. Go to the top of this "coping with infidelity" board. The second thread has the word "sticky" (i dont remember the name of the whole thread) in it are useful articles that can give you some insights and perhaps a bit of comfort and direction.

Take care of yourself

Reactions: 4

Latigo

· #14 · Nov 21, 2012

My parents will be celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary in a week. They have betrayed each other numerous times and on many different levels. I don't think there has been any trust or forgiveness from either of them since probably after the first 6 months they've been married. I wouldn't call what they have a "marriage" either. It is something else. So no, without those two things, I don't think it can survive. At least not without rotting the souls of those involved.

Reactions: 3

donkler

· #15 · Nov 21, 2012

itskaren said:
Unfortunatley they still work together. MY husband has stated that he tries to keep a distance and only contacts her if needs be.

Thats the story I got told when my Ex wife went off with her boss.

I told her to quit work or quit me. She did the latter.

The next thing I knew she quit work, not for me though..It would appear she got an ultimatum from big boss man when his Mrs left him :smthumbup:

In simple terms, he has to quit work, to prove to you its over. Otherwise you will be fighting a lost cause - even if you want him back, and to eventually feel anything like secure again.

Reactions: 2

Bellavista

· #16 · Nov 21, 2012

I do think as long as they are working in the same place, with access to each other daily, you will never be able to feel peace.
It really does take time to recover from a betrayal like this. Take the time to read through the information available on this site.

Reactions: 1

alte Dame

· #17 · Nov 21, 2012

Isn't your husband the man who said that he hadn't been happy in the entire 16 years you've been married? That he was sorry, but didn't feel guilty?

How is this remorse? Who could forgive that?

Mr Blunt

· #18 · Nov 21, 2012

Re: Can a marriage survive without trust or forgiveness?

Yes it can

So can a car get you from point A to point B.
Would you be willing to keep that car if it had no windows, no seats, no heat or cooling and a motor that keeps sucking in tons of gas and emptying your money and making you bitter?

2ntnuf

· #19 · Nov 21, 2012

Some say it can. I don't see how.

itskaren

Discussion Starter · #20 · Nov 29, 2012

I have been thinking about my husband's affair since I found out on the 26th Oct every minute of my waking day.

Just when does it get easier? If anything the pain just gets worse. I have got a counselling appointment next week the first. I told my husband that I have an appointment and he said ''good I'm pleased ... I think you need it'' WTF??? he had the affair?

I did not bite. Did not respond. I just still feel empty and alone. Just so sad thinking about the future and the husband that I have lost forever , whether we stay together or not.

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

Status: Not open for further replies.