Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I just joined for some advice. I have been married for 12 years and at first I felt as though I had been accepted by my husband's family. It became clear very soon into the marriage that this wasn't the case. My in laws never take an interest in me, only my children. They don't involve me in any family events and when they do, I'm left on the sidelines feeling like a spare part. My husband thinks I'm imagining it but recently when my sister in law repeatedly targeted me with undeserved abuse, blaming me for her falling out with my husband (nothing to do with me), none of them intervened. It's been 4 months of this verbal abuse and no support. My standards have lowered so much at this stage that I would have been happy with a simple text to ask if I was ok. As you can imagine, their behaviour (or lack of) and feelings towards me has had a huge impact on my marriage. I'm now left wondering whether it's possible to remain in a marriage where the in laws don't like you as my husband now feels he can't win and resents me for it. If he sticks by me, he fears isolation from his family. Any advice welcome in this desperate and lonely time. Thank you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,391 Posts
Your sister in law fell out with her brother (your husband). And at the same time He feels his sister will isolate him if he supports you. I had thought he fell out with her!

So there are a few relationships in this situation.
I'll list them in order of importance.
Your relationship with your husband.
Your husbands relationship to his family as a whole.
Your relationship to his family as a whole.
Your husbands relationship with his sister.
Your relationship with your sister in law.

So in short you (or your husband) are letting the #4 priority relationship wreck the #1 priority relationship. Now it is time for you two to stand together. and he is going to have to man up to do this. You need to go to his family and say tis in not going to be tolerated. you stop with the cat fighting, ore we stop showing up with the kiddies. Mostly he needs to know that he needs to get his priorities straightened out.

Many Americans are raised with the Idea that Family is important. I agree but I know that when a man leaves his family and a woman leaves her home . . . they become a New family and the left families are less important than the new. Any parent who doesn't understand this will hurt their adult children over and over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,456 Posts
Hi, I just joined for some advice. I have been married for 12 years and at first I felt as though I had been accepted by my husband's family. It became clear very soon into the marriage that this wasn't the case. My in laws never take an interest in me, only my children. They don't involve me in any family events and when they do, I'm left on the sidelines feeling like a spare part. My husband thinks I'm imagining it but recently when my sister in law repeatedly targeted me with undeserved abuse, blaming me for her falling out with my husband (nothing to do with me), none of them intervened. It's been 4 months of this verbal abuse and no support. My standards have lowered so much at this stage that I would have been happy with a simple text to ask if I was ok. As you can imagine, their behaviour (or lack of) and feelings towards me has had a huge impact on my marriage. I'm now left wondering whether it's possible to remain in a marriage where the in laws don't like you as my husband now feels he can't win and resents me for it. If he sticks by me, he fears isolation from his family. Any advice welcome in this desperate and lonely time. Thank you
You’re biggest problem is not your inlaws it is the weak little boy you are married to.If a couple sticks together then they can survive anything life throws at them.
You are being thrown under a bus by your husband and you should show him this thread.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
Based on what you have said, I don't think this can be resolved without marriage counseling. You don't go to counseling to try to make him see the light, but you go to work through it together.

It is highly unlikely that his family is going to make any changes in their approach. I don't know why you expect them to ask how you are when they clearly do not like or care for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
Hi Cookie sorry for your problem. There are lots of underlying problems that will require counseling. But you have little to lose so y not just ask next time you are with them. Understand that they will say you or emotional and too sensitive and try to make u cry. Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
722 Posts
You’re biggest problem is not your inlaws it is the weak little boy you are married to.If a couple sticks together then they can survive anything life throws at them.
You are being thrown under a bus by your husband and you should show him this thread.
1000% Agree and could not have said it better myself. If a family member ever disrespected my wife the way you describe there would be no worry about my family isolating me as I would isolate them and make damn sure they knew why, and that they would not be seeing me until they made things right to my wife's satisfaction.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,888 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for all your replies. I think the issue is cultural; we both come from different faiths and culture and I risked losing my whole family as they didn't want me to marry out of our culture. In my naivety, I assumed I would be accepted by his family but they seem to take no interest in anything to do with me. Despite this, I keep trying to make an effort with them for my husband's sake. He knows if he cuts off ties with his sister, the rest of them will do the same to him. I guess my question is, at what point do you say enough is enough? I've no energy left to put into making relationships work when I get nothing back. My suggestion to him is that he can maintain his relationship with whoever he wants but I just want him to understand why I might not feel like seeing them or putting on a pretence that I'm happy with them when I'm really not...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,934 Posts
Thanks for all your replies. I think the issue is cultural; we both come from different faiths and culture and I risked losing my whole family as they didn't want me to marry out of our culture. In my naivety, I assumed I would be accepted by his family but they seem to take no interest in anything to do with me.
Back up a second... Are your inlaws acting like inlaws in his culture? Are you expecting your inlaws to act like inlaws in your culture? Or is it the case that your inlaws are bad people and are nasty even in their own culture?

I'm from the US, and I have a friendly relationship with my inlaws. They are family, but I don't feel the same about them like I do my blood-family. I don't feel as close to them, I don't get as involved in their lives, I'm less likely to take their sides, etc. It's a more distant relationship. But if you come from a culture where your blood-relatives and inlaws are both tightly involved in the lives of their children-in-laws, that could be where this problem is coming from. Could it be that your expectations are from your culture but your inlaws are acting like their culture?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,776 Posts
Yes, I have known marriages that survived the disapproval of the in-laws, but in that case the offspring of the disapprovers told the parents they'd have to get w/ the program.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
No, it's because I'm from a different culture, I feel they are ostracising me. My husband's brother's wife is treated completely different to the way I'm treated. They'll involve her in family events, make an effort with her and her children and just generally treat her like part of the family. And I'm the one that keeps trying but is not getting anywhere with them. Just had another row with the husband about it because he feels torn...it's taking over our life 😞
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,293 Posts
Yes, but the spouse who's parents are causing an issue must stand firmly in his W's corner on all things in the mix.

If not, that's the problem, as others have commented.

It actually took six months for my mother to warm to my W. When I always supported W, it passed quickly. It wasn't bad or issues like this but could have gotten out of hand if not nipped in the bud.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,582 Posts
Based on what you have said, I don't think this can be resolved without marriage counseling. You don't go to counseling to try to make him see the light, but you go to work through it together.

It is highly unlikely that his family is going to make any changes in their approach. I don't know why you expect them to ask how you are when they clearly do not like or care for you.
Hell! Marriage is tough enough of its own accord, without adding in the in-laws!

Time for a mutual "Come to Jesus Meeting," and an agreement to see a good a$$-kicking marriage counselor. That's the only hope that I see for this union!

Well past time for hubby to wake up and smell the coffee!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,776 Posts
Thanks for all your replies. I think the issue is cultural; we both come from different faiths and culture and I risked losing my whole family as they didn't want me to marry out of our culture. In my naivety, I assumed I would be accepted by his family but they seem to take no interest in anything to do with me. Despite this, I keep trying to make an effort with them for my husband's sake. He knows if he cuts off ties with his sister, the rest of them will do the same to him.

I guess my question is, at what point do you say enough is enough? I've no energy left to put into making relationships work when I get nothing back. My suggestion to him is that he can maintain his relationship with whoever he wants but I just want him to understand why I might not feel like seeing them or putting on a pretence that I'm happy with them when I'm really not...
I am slow to resort to cutting off ties, but he needs to tell his sister to leave you out of it, and he needs to stand up for you to the rest of them. If any of that causes his family to disown him, he is better off for it. I have zero tolerance for manipulation and that goes for family as well.

If he doesn't see it this way after you explain it to him, then he deserves the nest of vipers he calls a family, and doesn't deserve you, and you owe none of them anything. In that case, dump and forget all of them.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top