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My husband and I have been married for a very short time, but have been with each other about 7 years. We had previously broken up and gone our separate ways for about 7 months. Upon hearing about my cancer diagnosis he came back into my life. He was the prince charming I needed during my cancer recovery. We were engaged shortly after my last treatment and our life quickly changed for the negative.

My husband's sole focus is himself. Our relationship is the calmest when I keep quiet and allow him to do and say whatever he wants. When I try and talk to him about emotions or feelings (especially mine) we end up in huge fights, and he usually ends up stonewalling me for anywhere from a day to a week. At one such occasion he chose to sleep on the couch for the week rather than have anything to do with me. Problem solving in our relationship means that problems are swept under the rug and never to be mentioned again, regardless if the problem has been resolved or not.

My husband will often talk the talk, but is rarely able to walk the walk. And whenever I have expectations of him, big or small, I'm either treating him like a slave or I've set the bar too high and he "can't" meet my expectations. If I try and remind him of things he's agreed to do, I'm accused of nagging and putting too much pressure on him.

I read an article mentioned in a previous post about Passive-Aggressiveness. I swear this article was written about my relationship with my husband.

With that being said I've been struggling with where to go from here. I don't want to leave my husband, I married him for life, but I don't know how to continue to live in a state of constant turmoil, I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. We tried marriage counseling in the months prior to getting married, but he has since refused to continue with the same therapist, or to find a different one.

Can a healthy loving relationship be formed with someone who is not willing to admit their part in the destruction of the relationship, and hasn't been too forthcoming with ideas on how to fix it. I know I can't change him, but how do I open his eyes to the situation so that HE wants to change things too?
 

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We tried marriage counseling in the months prior to getting married, but he has since refused to continue with the same therapist, or to find a different one.

Can a healthy loving relationship be formed with someone who is not willing to admit their part in the destruction of the relationship, and hasn't been too forthcoming with ideas on how to fix it. I know I can't change him, but how do I open his eyes to the situation so that HE wants to change things too?
Go to counseling on your own and ask for help. Ask the exact question you have written here. Ask trusted friends for referrals. Reach out and find help. Go to a marriage enrichment course and ask the instructor. Above all, do not passively accept the situation, hoping it will improve. Passive aggression is a form of anger and there are a lot of angry people around. There is also a lot of help available for you and your husband
 

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I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.
Buckeye, Stop Walking on Eggshells is the name of the #1 best-selling book about living with a BPDer (a person having strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder). It is targeted to the abused spouses. But, significantly, if your H has strong BPD traits, he would exhibit several traits beyond those that you've mentioned.

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that post rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss BPD traits with you and point you to good online resources. If it does not sound familiar, however, I suggest you read Kathy Batesel's description of narcissism at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. Further, I second TenYear's suggestion that you see a good psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Buckeye.
 
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