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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Found out husband had an secret 8 year "friendship that never got physical", even after I divorced him. I found out after the divorce. Based on what he told me before we remarried, it was clearly an EA, although he barely wants to admit that. They both said "Nothing happened..." I know that it was an affair. Question is can it really end and if so what would cause it to end?
 

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I'm in the process of ending a 5 yr PA now.
Will it work? I truly do not know.

You remarried him w/ the knowledge the A was still in progress?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
No. I remarried him after he told me the "friendship" ended. After finding this website and reading up on things, even realizing some of my actions and reactions were part of a natural process, seeing some stuff on his phone (encrypted mssgs now) etc., it may still be going on. My question is: Is it possible for one to end and why would it end?
 

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A long term affair is a relationship. After a while, it really ceases to be an affair and becomes a regular relationship. Like any other relationship, it can end.

Why does it end? Many reasons really. The partners finally realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. Since affairs are adulterous by their nature the lack of trust takes its toll. Cheaters are ALWAYS suspicious since they are cheating themselves. It only takes a little event to betray a cheater's trust. The reasons are really too numerous...
 

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Yes, it can end, but when an affair becomes years-long, it's much harder to end it (from what I've seen). Basically, that affair becomes it's own long term relationship and just like a break-up with someone you're with for a while, it can be hard. Sounds discouraging, but if your WS is truly remorseful and serious about ending it and doing what it takes to mend the relationship, it's possible. As for why they might end it? Realizing what they're losing, exposure, the regular reasons an affair would end, I'd assume. I hope it works out for you, RR!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I'm in the process of ending a 5 yr PA now.
Will it work? I truly do not know.

You remarried him w/ the knowledge the A was still in progress?

Why did you or what caused you stay in it so long? Too, what makes it difficult for you to be decisive that it is over?
 

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Why did you or what caused you stay in it so long? Too, what makes it difficult for you to be decisive that it is over?
I really cannot answer those questions.
I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

But I will agree w/ unbelievable - what man would continue an 8 yr A w/o sex?
 

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Married in VA said:
It only takes a little event to betray a cheater's trust.
I find this statement really intriguing. Seems to be true too- at least from my experience and the cheaters I've known.
 

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Of course it can end, if he wants it too and if he actually admits to you and to himself that he is having an A!
It can also end if the OW wants to end it!
Doesn't sound like there is any incentive for either of them to end it though.
Just makes you wonder why he didnt hook up with her when you guys divorced. Is she married too?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Daisygirl41: After the divorce, phone bills show numerous phone calls some 3 hours long with a few breaks, texts in early morning hours and the only one I did find 2 weeks after it was sent was from her to him at 5:15am saying "I am here". He said Mel was a new employee who came to pick him up that morning because his car broke down. I don't have more proof than this. They said "Nothing happened". DrMathias, a counselor, he and I called her and she acted blase, under her breath she said to him "You betrayed me maan". Sounds like they hooked up big time. He said she was telling him she was under the sheets with her legs spread apart/ one leg hanging off the bed, but he ended the conversation (blatant sex talk is his concept of flirting BTW). He tells me the only proof I have is phone bills which only show phone calls versus touching or meeting up. So the phone bills showed that they stopped talking for about 1 month. He said she had asked him if he was sleeping with anyone since the divorce and he told her me. He would not say if it was a question or statement when she said "No obligations". So, they did hook up it seems and she found out he was still "with" me. I didn't even know I was a player when she, the player, got played. She didn't like it. But the emotional investment between them is so great...Let's call it what it really is, the love relationship, that I think she came back to him during our reconciliation. I felt it in every part of my being, was too naiive to get to solid proof before we remarried...Not to mention I felt like I was in a daze when I found out...I was in a different kind of bewilderment fog. But I think they love each other. I think it's just that the societal ramifications of them making it permanent will be great since he apparently lied to me, his children, his family, my family, counselors and the church about it all.
 

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LTA ending?

Can't say for everyone... just what I learned from my wife's LT affairs when I caught her cheating.

One was with her boss (principal). It lasted for over a year and half. It only stopped when he moved out of state. They had sex infrequently... but, remained in contact, at the gym, at work, emails as long as he was in town. I asked her did you ever stop the affair prior to him moving. In truth, she said no. He just lost interest when she quit having sex with him. She said they always remained "friends".

Another with a HS friend from way back. This affair continued for for over 3 years. Initially they would meet for sex driving 150 miles round trip or when in the same town. She said after about 2 years she realized how stupid she was and all he wanted was the sex. She said it just fizzled out. However... I "recovered" deleted Office *.pst files and her memory was somewhat distorted. She told me that she quit corresponding at a certain time frame. Her emails showed that she was still calling and emailing him years later. He was trying to hookup for a quick evening out near home and she was excited and planning it out. She says they never met again.

See where I'm coming from... She admits that as long as they kept trying she was never really over. In counseling, she told me and MC that she would promise herself that she was done cheating... no more contact. But, one out to the blue email asking "Hey... what's going on?" and she was sucked right back into the addiction for intention and dreams.

Sad Sh!t to say the least.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
In a myriad of other things found on his phone (encrypted) & his numerous non-verbals, this morning I checked his phone and saw that Blackberry Messenger was "Last Used: 5:17am". He denies using it, states that the phone updates itself etc. I called the phone company, they said "last used" is "last used" by the owner. His biggest, biggest thing is to tell me I have NO proof of anything. Why does he INSIST on staying in this marriage?????????
 

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In a myriad of other things found on his phone (encrypted) & his numerous non-verbals, this morning I checked his phone and saw that Blackberry Messenger was "Last Used: 5:17am". He denies using it, states that the phone updates itself etc. I called the phone company, they said "last used" is "last used" by the owner. His biggest, biggest thing is to tell me I have NO proof of anything. Why does he INSIST on staying in this marriage?????????
because he's got you at home taking care of the kids and him and he's got whoever on the side for some fun....win, win until you put a stop to it.

stop asking him questions, he will continue to lie. You need to get proof. Until then, the more questions you ask the sneakier he will get making it harder for you to get the proof you need.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
LTA ending?

Can't say for everyone... just what I learned from my wife's LT affairs when I caught her cheating.

One was with her boss (principal). It lasted for over a year and half. It only stopped when he moved out of state. They had sex infrequently... but, remained in contact, at the gym, at work, emails as long as he was in town. I asked her did you ever stop the affair prior to him moving. In truth, she said no. He just lost interest when she quit having sex with him. She said they always remained "friends".

Another with a HS friend from way back. This affair continued for for over 3 years. Initially they would meet for sex driving 150 miles round trip or when in the same town. She said after about 2 years she realized how stupid she was and all he wanted was the sex. She said it just fizzled out. However... I "recovered" deleted Office *.pst files and her memory was somewhat distorted. She told me that she quit corresponding at a certain time frame. Her emails showed that she was still calling and emailing him years later. He was trying to hookup for a quick evening out near home and she was excited and planning it out. She says they never met again.

See where I'm coming from... She admits that as long as they kept trying she was never really over. In counseling, she told me and MC that she would promise herself that she was done cheating... no more contact. But, one out to the blue email asking "Hey... what's going on?" and she was sucked right back into the addiction for intention and dreams.

Sad Sh!t to say the least.
Soo sorry to hear you are going through this. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured and I hate myself for being such a big fricking IDIOT. I have more than mastered the pain now. I have a plan and the timing is soon.
 

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Dig's wife had a 5 year affair or so I gather, it ended.....apparently. I think the worst thing about any affair is the fact that the BS can never completely trust their partner to not renew the affair or start a new one. Your question stems from that problem.
 
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