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No judgement, I’m giving you facts, and those facts have come from your mouth:

You don’t regret a thing, and shame and stigma are your primary concern. You don’t want a divorce because people will see the truth. It’s that simple! That’s your real problem! You’re ‘playing’ a role. Good husband trying to work it out, you love you wife. None of this is who you really are? Who are you? And why the discomfort, why not embrace the real you! Let everyone know, it must be soooo infuriating having to play a responsible mature growing man. Why not bust out and be the real you? It’s ok, you’re not that special and you’re not the first!

Most alarming is how out of tune you were when your father in law was sick and how annoying it was that your wife looked after him. So annoying that she was doing all the work! But the most awesome thing is that it freed up your time to love a women free from that annoying stuff that life throws at you like sick and dying people

In real life, this is what people do when family members become ill.

You also don’t hate the other woman. You’re still in love with her.

So, when are you going to be brave and proud of yourself and throw down the chains? Put yourself in the shoes of a homosexual a few decades ago, imagine the bravery and the stigma associated with coming out and showing your true self.

Come out! Cut lose all that responsibility, the kids and wife are just going to get sick one day and have all these issues, why tie yourself down?
 

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He is selfish. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

IOW, he's a cake eater!:ROFLMAO:
 
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Oh, and you’re probably annoyed too that the messages sent to everyone didn’t do the job for you. Didn’t have the desired effect. You were hoping that the anonymous messages could bring you and your baby together, that your wife could kick you out, and your mistress would welcome you with open arms.

But none of that happened. The woman you love is still with her husband, and you’re stuck with that kind responsible wife.

Because you’re a little bit lazy. You get through life with everyone doing your job.

I’m so sorry the anonymous exposure of your affair didn’t get you the desired results! Why not try the grown-up route, ringing around and making appointments, seeing divorce lawyers, taking time of work to see people. Comparing prices, quotes, doing some maths. Ugggh - got that sick feeling just thinking about how to get life going?

Sounds to me like you tried the coward’s divorce and it didn’t work out.

Maybe it’s more your style to try sending anonymous messages and see if that motivates your wife? You could always try setting up a fake account if it’s too hard to see a lawyer? Send some messages to your wife again, pretending to be the OW and confessing more and more… then your wife can do your work and you’re free from that boring adult stuff. Worth a try eh? 😉
 

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Naw, he’s still eating lollipops and candy. Cake is for adults. He’ll maybe try cake when he’s about 70, unless the dementia gets him first. Some people mature extra slow.
Clue me in, cuz I'm lost.🤔
 

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If you truly were repentant of what you did to your wife, these thoughts of the other woman wouldn’t be there.
If you appreciated the gift of reconciliation your wife granted, you’d see how much you and that woman hurt her. A man hates things that bring pain to people he truly loves. For that reason, I believe you don’t love your wife. You don’t hate the other woman and hate the weakness in yourself for what you did.
She must be a wonderful woman who makes your life easy and is pleasant to be with. I envy you of such a woman. So you love how she treats you. But you should let her go and go be with the adultress you deserve and let your wife heal and hopefully know what it’s like to be married to a man that truly does love her.
 

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My wife cheated, but not going to bash you right now.

Have you ever thought that the fake account was her husband?

Look here's the thing. You changed your marriage FOREVER. Your wife will never look at you the same. No amount of counseling will wipe her memory of what happened or the pain.
e
Here's a question, be honest, no judgement. Did you settle for your wife? Was she really the kind of woman you were hot for or was she just cooperative and decent enough?
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Thank you for al your replies.
I was acting like a child.I still am I guess.
but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust.
even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck
 

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Don’t judge me.
I know I’m awful.
No, I think I will judge.

You are right. You are awful.

You say you love your wife.

That's just something you say to make yourself feel better. Hope that works out for you.

You don't love your wife. You love having your wife as your plan b, but you don't actually love your wife.

Glad you hate your AP for outing you to your wife. I mean, it was definitely your AP that ruined your family and not you, right?
 

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Why did you think you couldn’t do better? It’s really worth exploring that. Also, and important question - WAS she better than you, did you ever feel you were punching above your weight back then? What’s your history with women before you met her?

I could be wrong, but was she actually a step up for you and this is driving your need to cheat?

Why no passion, is she unattractive? Another important question, can you imagine your wife in a years’ time, or secretly and currently, under her veil of kindness and loyalty… sleeping with someone better looking than you..? Does that stir up rage… or love? Or relief?

I ask because I was the other woman twice before I married. Both wives were 10x better looking than me and smarter and wealthier too. (Incidentally, they were both all of these things more than their husbands too) And the key word, kind.
 

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‘Don’t judge me.’

Also worth exploring that you mention you don’t want the stigma and judgment of friends and family if knowing what you’re doing.

It might actually help you, to ‘come out’ as I mentioned before, so that you feel better about being who you are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore. I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing.
she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy.
I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all.
My wife knows this and I still have no social media.
 

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My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore. I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing.
she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy.
I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all.
My wife knows this and I still have no social media.
That’s great - we’re getting somewhere.

It’s entirely possible… that you haven’t really made your wife feel cool and sexy… and that’s why she’s holding back. Women want to feel sexy and you sound so disconnected. She probably does know and feel that you settled, for whatever reason. Let’s be Frank, I wouldn’t feel too happy and cool with a man like you. And to me more Frank, your mistress didn’t feel too cool either most of the time she was away from you.

Given the very little you describe, your wife is the type of woman that will be a demon in bed to the many man probably dreaming about her. Not only is she picking up your scent, but the men around you are. Admittedly, this doesn’t feel good to you when you say you really really would be hurt. I’m not being cruel here - I’m telling you real truths, that are coming out from what you say.

It’s unlikely that you’ll make any women feel sexy long term. This may really hurt to hear - you might be the dud?

Truly really think about your wife being that catch for another man. It would shock you to see her years later with that glow - another man giving her that glow. She’s ditched you, moved on. She’s free, some man is riding off to work and can’t wait to hang with your kids and itching, desperately waiting for your kids to get to bed so he can devour her. But you’re somewhere else and she’s not looking back.

How does all of this future look to you?

She is going to have a brilliant future, mark my words.

Now, do you see where you’ve been lacking? How have you made that women go about her 7 years during the day when you’re not around, and in bed with YOU at night when your thoughts aren’t passionate?
 

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Thank you for al your replies.
I was acting like a child.I still am I guess.
but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust.
even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck
why would your wife want to have sex with you ,
you are not attracted to her she is not attractive to you
she does not turn you on
all you want her for is the same thing as a flashlight

we can all make mistakes you have made more that many
and sometimes it is impossible to go back and start again
don't do the crime if you can't do the time , now your gone from your mistress
and your wife is not going to be second best
and in your own words you are not attracted by her

it is over move out move on and learn from your past
 

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I dont believe in victim blaming. His wife being the victim in this situation. A lot of people cheat becasue they can, not becasue they are lacking something their partner isn't giving them, even so. It's their choice to cheat. They have a mouth, a voice. He could have opened his mouth before he screwed someone else.

I hope your wife leaves you and finds someone else who does everything you didn't.
 

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My husband's previous marriage was to a woman he didn’t love and settled for.
He married her because he thought that’s what he was supposed to do at that age and he thought he couldn’t do any better. He told her he didn’t want kids, but did not take responsibility by getting a vasectomy. She told him she was on birth control, but she wanted kids and behind his back, stopped taking the pills. She claimed the first one was a “miracle baby” accidentally conceived through birth control. He stupidly believed her and 4 years later, she did it again so they now have two kids - my stepsons.
He tried leaving her multiple times, but she always threatened to kill herself and when the oldest was old enough to be manipulated, she used the boy as a pawn. She regularly abused and threatened to him that she would call the police and claim that she was the one being abused. So sick and twisted.
My husband never wanted to be a divorce statistic, and stayed in this unhappy, disturbing, loveless marriage for 8 years before he finally got the guts to leave her for good.
Throughout all of this, he never once cheated on her - a trait that I found incredibly attractive in him (because if anyone ever deserved to be cheated on - which they don’t - she would be first in line).

I say all this, because blaming your loveless marriage for your cheating is just an excuse.
Some people have what it takes to cheat, and some don’t. You are a cheater. Plain and simple. There is no excuse or reason to justify cheating - ever.
Just as the woman above pointed out (the jilted wife was 10x the woman she was and she is self aware enough and brave enough to share this), your own wife’s characteristics have absolutely nothing to do with your own.
You are either a cheater or not.

I still think you just love drama.
If your wife is willing to stay with you and work things out, make HER the focus of your obsession.
Like others said - of course she isn’t good in bed. You aren’t making her feel sexy and wanted like you made your mistress feel.
 

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My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore. I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing.
she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy.
I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all.
My wife knows this and I still have no social media.
How can your wife and mother of your children compete with an adulterous woman, who’s willing to be wanton with another woman’s husband. Your affair partner was just as bad as you. Willing to wreck 2 families for lust. Is she also a mother?

Was it really her that exposed? I think it was her betrayed husband. if it was her, was it to get you to divorce, so she can claim the prize?

Did the 2 of you engage in talking about leaving your spouses? Dreaming about running off into the sunset with your soul mate? Such talk is so common in an affair. Many times they even wish they never married their betrayed spouse and hence are actually wishing their kids away. Yet here you are feeling sad about looking into their eyes.

I usually read post like yours from WWs but the few times I see it from a guy, I have to admit it truly sickens me. Eventually you will come down from your fog and see that you took a dump on a queen you had so you could be with a who...
 

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Some people constantly dream about what they don’t have. They walk by looking at everyone else’s yard and never water their own grass and maintain their own house. It gets shabby and nasty, so they move to a new place and it turns to **** also.
Chronic discontents.

The problem with OP is he is blind to his wife’s love.

I had a woman that I was madly in love with. laying beside her at night and holding her would have been enough for me. Having sex with her was always the best ever. Just being inside her and feeling her want me made it fabulous. Because I loved her.
You don’t love your wife OP. It’s not her. It’s you. You’ll never have great sex for a long time with any womAn. After a short time, you’ll start lusting after some other man’s wife and forget the love you had for your current wife.
Again, the problem with sex with your wife is all in your head. You’re smart enough to know better than to let her go because someone will swipe her up immediately and adore her.
But your stupid enough you are always going to want someone or something else.
Sorry, you’re your own worst enemy.
 

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Affair partners are always fun and cool. That's part of the affair fog. It's part of the fantasy.

And it is, you know? It is a fantasy.

Real life is your wife and the kids and finances, and the mortgage and bills, and sick relatives and work and obligations. The affair is all deep conversations, stolen time together, risky hookups at the office, hot hotel sex, fooling around in the car like teenagers. There are no bills, no mortgage, no sick family members. There is no real life. Which is why an affair always seems better than the marriage. Because the marriage has to function in the real world, while the affair does not.

OP, here's a little secret: If you were married to your affair partner, guess what? There would be a wife, kids, school, mortgage and bills, sick relatives, trips to the store, oil changes, work, obligations. All the fun, exciting, forbidden rush would be gone. Because your relationship would be taking place in the real world. Similarly, if you'd been pouring that time, emotion, lust, care, all those deep conversations, stolen time together, hot hotel sex, fooling around in the car like teens, energy into your marriage, it would be just as hot as your affair was.

So, I would hazard to say that it's not your wife you settled for nor your affair partner you love. Rather, it's the daily work of real life you aren't able to sustain, and the fantasy you crave. Get a therapist. Do the work. Grow into a mature, responsible, honest, dependable man with some integrity.

The grass is greenest where it's watered. You, sir, were watering the neighbor's grass while complaining that your own yard seems so dull and lifeless.
 

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Don’t judge me.
I know I’m awful.
7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
After a year this woman at work told me that she had a sexual dream about me. Straight away we started a sexual relationship. We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening.
I felt very guilty as I love my wife but I was so besotted with this woman that whenever I tried to end it (twice) I felt that sad/bad for her that I carried on. And to be honest I loved her too.
We had an affair for 4.5 months.
I had a mental breakdown. Due to work pressures, home and the affair. So I ended the affair. I asked the woman did she want to stop talking but she said no that she still wanted to be my friend.
So we carried on before just without the sex. We still spoke all day.
A year later my wife got a message on Facebook telling her about the affair. It was a fake account. I know it was the woman. She denied it.
My wife deleted all my social media and banned me from having any contact with her. I agreed as I wanted to save my marriage. My wife’s family received messages telling them of the affair.
I rang the woman and asked her to leave us alone. She still denied it was her.
She told my wife everything.
My wife was very upset but agreed to stay with me. I have had no contact with this woman. I hate her for what she did.
But here comes my predicament. Nearly a year later, I can’t stop thinking about her. The way she made me feel. The sex. Her laugh. Her smile. How funny she was.
I don’t want to leave my wife and children but I just can’t stop thinking of her.
No matter how much I try and how much I distract myself, she is always there. I know it sounds awful but I don’t know what this means or what to do.
Ok, people may crucify me here but here are my two cents.

First, you do NOT love your wife. If you did you would not have found solace in another woman. Period. I know this because I was in a similar situation (didn't cheat but met someone else); however, I was able to admit to myself that not only did I not love my wife, I hadn't loved her for a long time and only stayed for so long (probably 5 years longer than I should have) because I was afraid of the financial toll a divorce would take on me.

Second, you don't hate this woman for what she did. You hate yourself for what YOU did. Are you some weak fool who can't think for himself and is so easily influenced that you blame someone else for your actions?

Third, you should man up and admit to yourself you don't love your wife and leave her. You'll be happier. She'll be happier.

I met a coworker and we instantly had a connection that turned into a deep friendship. We confided in each other about our relationship issues, both of us were unhappy. When I realized I had feelings for this friend I finally realized that I couldn't live in a loveless marriage - my ex isn't a bad person, we just aren't two people who should be married to each other. I filed for divorce, didn't contest anything my ex wanted and we've both moved on with our lives. Sure it was painful at first, but she has met someone who compliments her much better than I ever could have. As for my coworker and I, we have been together for two years and are getting married next year.

Man up. Admit to yourself you don't love your wife. Move on with your lives. Both of you will be much happier.
 
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