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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Don’t judge me.
I know I’m awful.
7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
After a year this woman at work told me that she had a sexual dream about me. Straight away we started a sexual relationship. We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening.
I felt very guilty as I love my wife but I was so besotted with this woman that whenever I tried to end it (twice) I felt that sad/bad for her that I carried on. And to be honest I loved her too.
We had an affair for 4.5 months.
I had a mental breakdown. Due to work pressures, home and the affair. So I ended the affair. I asked the woman did she want to stop talking but she said no that she still wanted to be my friend.
So we carried on before just without the sex. We still spoke all day.
A year later my wife got a message on Facebook telling her about the affair. It was a fake account. I know it was the woman. She denied it.
My wife deleted all my social media and banned me from having any contact with her. I agreed as I wanted to save my marriage. My wife’s family received messages telling them of the affair.
I rang the woman and asked her to leave us alone. She still denied it was her.
She told my wife everything.
My wife was very upset but agreed to stay with me. I have had no contact with this woman. I hate her for what she did.
But here comes my predicament. Nearly a year later, I can’t stop thinking about her. The way she made me feel. The sex. Her laugh. Her smile. How funny she was.
I don’t want to leave my wife and children but I just can’t stop thinking of her.
No matter how much I try and how much I distract myself, she is always there. I know it sounds awful but I don’t know what this means or what to do.
 

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A few thoughts. You are a very selfish person. You can't even own the mistake. You only regret getting caught. Don't hate the other woman, it is only your fault, no one else's. You are the one that couldn't keep his penis in his pants and his mind in his 7 year "happy marriage." Also, did you ever consider it may have been the other woman's husband that spread the word about your affair?

If you care at all for your wife you need to get divorced in my opinion. You are currently using your wife as plan B since you can't have the woman you really want. It isn't fair to her and you appear to have zero remorse for what you've done. You are currently in love with a woman other than your wife, so why stay married to her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
I just can’t help my thoughts….
 

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Yes you can help your thoughts. Have you ever heard the saying 'where the mind goes the man follows?'. Everytime you think of her stop, think of your wife and children and all the blessings you have. Think of the distress and pain you caused your wife. Think of loosing everything. Think of what a terrible women of low morals she is, a married woman going after another woman's husband and one with children as well. A woman with no integrity. Cheating and lying to her husband.

You are very fortunate that your wife was able to get past this, yet still you betray her constantly by having all these fantasies about the OW.
 

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I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
I just can’t help my thoughts….
So, 4.5 months of sex with this OW and the thought of your kind wife and beautiful children never crossed your mind? Never thought of the stigma, friends and family hating you while you were between the legs of your cheating affair partner. It didn't matter until you got caught.

Have you really told your wife everything or are you still lying and hiding some of what went on? Are you still talking to this woman? Are you still working with this woman? If so, the affair has never ended. It just has gone from an emotional affair to a physical affair and back to an emotional affair.
 

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I love my wife
You sure picked a strange way to show her by boning another woman for 4+ months. You won't get any sympathy from me. You don't deserve your wife and she's a saint for taking you back. And to show your appreciation, you have started to fanticize about the other woman again, which will no doubt lead to another affair. The other woman sounds very unstable....but that's what you probably deserve. Enjoy your Fatal Attraction.
 

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Don’t judge me.
I know I’m awful.
7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
After a year this woman at work told me that she had a sexual dream about me. Straight away we started a sexual relationship. We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening.
I felt very guilty as I love my wife but I was so besotted with this woman that whenever I tried to end it (twice) I felt that sad/bad for her that I carried on. And to be honest I loved her too.
We had an affair for 4.5 months.
I had a mental breakdown. Due to work pressures, home and the affair. So I ended the affair. I asked the woman did she want to stop talking but she said no that she still wanted to be my friend.
So we carried on before just without the sex. We still spoke all day.
A year later my wife got a message on Facebook telling her about the affair. It was a fake account. I know it was the woman. She denied it.
My wife deleted all my social media and banned me from having any contact with her. I agreed as I wanted to save my marriage. My wife’s family received messages telling them of the affair.
I rang the woman and asked her to leave us alone. She still denied it was her.
She told my wife everything.
My wife was very upset but agreed to stay with me. I have had no contact with this woman. I hate her for what she did.
But here comes my predicament. Nearly a year later, I can’t stop thinking about her. The way she made me feel. The sex. Her laugh. Her smile. How funny she was.
I don’t want to leave my wife and children but I just can’t stop thinking of her.
No matter how much I try and how much I distract myself, she is always there. I know it sounds awful but I don’t know what this means or what to do.
I'm not here to judge you. Why do you think you had the affair to begin with? What were some of the issues at home? (May not be obvious at first, but if you think about it, I'm sure there's something.)
 

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At some point, what you have done to your wife and your family will probably sink in, and your wife will kick your butt to the curb. If she does, you will be free to pursue any piece of a** your heart or penis desires, which will make both of you happy.

The dilemma you're experiencing is exactly why you should end an marriage before you start another relationship. If you're being truthful, you would have realized that the forbidden fruit was not worth losing your family.
 

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I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
So look at what you wrote -- NOTHING about how your wife feels with all this, you are just worried about what would happen to YOU -- your reputation, etc.. You WIFE is the victim here.

So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
I just can’t help my thoughts….
You think "what if" because you are STILL CAUGHT UP in a fantasy. She wasn't real-life. You were in the affair fog, and still seem to be. How do you change your thoughts? When you think of the OW -- THINK ABOUT how your WIFE would feel if she knew what you were thinking - and how much that would hurt her.
Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME you think of the OW. You are dreaming and you need to wake up before your wife DOES divorce you..
 

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It sounds like you simply enjoy drama.
Why don’t you focus your wooing capabilities back on your wife and create a whirlwind romance for her? Marriage doesn’t have to be boring, and if it is, it’s up to the one who is bored to change something.
I’ll never completely understand the mind of a cheater because I’m not one and never will be - I have too much respect for the basic dignity of other human beings - but I would suspect that you are not in love with the OW. You are in love with drama, chaos, grand romance, and secret rendezvous. So create the dramatic romance with your wife. She deserves it, and it will make you both happier.
 

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You are selfish, but if you really want to keep your marriage, you need individual counseling. Without professional help, your flaws will be your worst enemy and you will cheat again. Fix your flaws with help. Then decide whether you strayed because something was missing or it was your all about me flaw.



The thoughts can be fixed, but not without help bud. You feel the need for the elation and newness of the AP. With time this will dwindle, if you cut all contact.

Keep posting, and keep us posted. We will try to help you be a better husband or a better partner for your next relationship. That selfish streak has gotta go though.
 
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Just to me blunt here, you don't actually love your wife. You think you do. This right here is why I remain single. Both sexes try to rationalize this behavior. You also STILL desire relations with a woman that obviously cannot be trusted. Beyond her blabbing, she engaged relations with a known married man! Let that REALLY sink in! ANY woman that would do this is trash. I am sure she and even you try to rationalize it but.....

Your wife seems like a saint and you don't deserve her. None of my exes would have ever tolerated that and I would not either.

I constantly think wedding vows should be updated/modernized to "for now until I find another". That is all marriage is these days! Go read through the mountain of testimonials in the cheating section.

If you want to stop thinking about the other woman, divorce your good wife, engage relations with the new one, and patiently wait until she cheats on YOU so you can repeat this process.
 

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You have a victim mentality. Why? Because you profess to be unable to control what you think. You are just the hapless victim here, right?

This other woman exposed the affair, not because she wanted to be honest but because she wanted to get back at you. She sounds like a nut-job.

But, here you are, yet again, focusing your thoughts on her. She sounds like trash to me. But you are pandering to your fantasies. Another indication of your victim mentality.

Continue to indulge yourself if you wish. Your life. Your choice.

I'm astounded your wife hasn't kicked you to the curb. I'd suggest you learn to focus your attention on your wife. Yeah, you CAN control what you think and about whom you think.
 

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I will be a minority again and won't join the cheater bashing crowd. Why to do this? Did he come here for this bashing? He admits his cheating, admits it was wrong and tries to find a solution to his specific problem

OP, can you try to clear few things:

1. Why are you fantasizing about that woman? Did she give you something you wife does not give? Is that incredible sex or connection that you miss at home? You need to address this, until you get from your wife and with your wife what you miss and crave with this woman you won't be able to get rid of these thoughts.

2. Do you really love your wife and she loves you? You need to answer honestly this question. There is a difference between love and not wanting to hurt your children or be brutalized by family and friends by divorcing or leaving your wife. If you truly love her and she loves you there is hope. However if you just try to avoid shame by staying in your marriage then eventually your marriage will be destroyed.

3. Are you really sorry for what you have done? Again, you need to answer this question honestly. Not because you were caught, but because you sincerely sorry for what you have done and is ready to do whatever is necessary to repair your marriage. Note, you may never regain full trust from your wife since you damaged it. So you need to be mentally prepared to live the life with the fact she will always doubt you. Can you do this?
 

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I’m not going to go on and tell you what a bad person you are, you already know this.

But now your stuck with haunting memories of another women you loved. Those torturing thoughts are the price your going to have to pay for what you did. The yearning for something that will never be. Affairs are not fun for everyone involved. There is nothing you can do to take your mind off this women…. Just focus on what you have in front of you.
 

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I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
I just can’t help my thoughts….
You don't love your wife or you wouldn't put her in this position.
She shouldn't have to tell everyone about your affair. That's your job. You tell your family and hers so that she'll have support through this difficult time.
How have you shown her how much she means to you?
You can help your thoughts. You don't seem to be actively pushing them away. You are lingering.
Have you changed jobs?
Have you blocked her and deleted her from your phone book?

Why would your wife have to have you delete your media presence. You do all that yourself to show your wife you mean business. It isn't her job to police you.
Have you read anything about surviving and affair and things you should be doing for your wife and to rebuild trust?
 

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We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening.

how sweet and endearing. they ought to make a hallmark movie about this. truth bomb: the other woman got sick of you and told your wife. your usefulness was up. She used you as a diversion and was probably seeing other guys as well.
 

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how sweet and endearing. they ought to make a hallmark movie about this. truth bomb: the other woman got sick of you and told your wife. your usefulness was up. She used you as a diversion and was probably seeing other guys as well.
No way, I'm sure it was true love.
 
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