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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I found this written by my wife of 20 years she does not know i have found it

I have been married a long time and met my husband when I was quite young. He was ‘my first’ (if you know what I mean) and also ‘the only’ and whilst we have had our ups and downs over the years, we have always muddled along together. As far as I know he has been faithful to me and I have always been to him. He is not a born romantic but he treats me . We have 1 child .
The fact that he has been my only sexual partner has never been an issue, until quite recently that is….

A while ago I met up with an old friend (male) with whom I was very close but we had lost touch over the years. We were only ever mates, although I did have quite ‘a thing’ for him, and we shared so much of our youth together. We talked so easily and I so enjoyed his company again, he is a very sensitive and romantic kind of guy, and we promised to keep in touch. He has contacted me the odd time and I have contacted him a few times, sometimes he has replied and sometimes not, although I have not tried to contact him for some months now even though I would like to! I think he knows I have feelings for him and I know he had feelings for me once, but it never came to anything.

Anyway, since then I have become a bit obsessed with seeing him again, I imagine that he has feelings for me and that’s why he tracked me down (I have no evidence to think this). I’ve started fantasising about ‘being’ with him and I think about him all the time. I am so curious about what sex would be like with someone else (him).
I am not, and never have been, very attractive and am not very comfortable with my appearance but I have started ‘taking more care’ of my appearance, trying to make ‘the best of a bad job’ in case he wants to meet up again, although I know it’s unlikely. Consequently I have become more confident, a bit flirty and a lot more adventurous in the bedroom. My husband is delighted, if not a little taken aback and curious as to what has prompted this change.
I love my husband very much but lately I feel I have missed out on something and want to feel special, made to feel attractive. I want to be romanced, seduced even!

I feel guilty because my change in behaviour is directly linked to the way I feel about this other man. I imagine I’m with him when I’m making love to my husband and am really turned on by the thought of us together. I feel I am already being unfaithful and I am also worried that I cannot be trusted, should this other man ever show me the attention I crave.
The trouble is I don’t really want this attention from my husband, it’s only a turn on if I pretend I’m with this guy and I think I have fallen for him.
It is quite obvious that this man does not feel the same way about me, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up the pretence with my hubby.

I have been in turmoil trying to deal with this revalation i do not know what the future will hold for us

My wife has now asked that when we have sex it is in the dark.. And would like to call me by another man,s name while we have sex . ( the old friend she has feelings for) How normal is this and should i do it? What does it say about me if i agree ?.
in time i I decided to go through with it for her

during her sex fantasy in the dark she said she loved me. she has not said that during sex or any other time in years.(part of her fantasy the other guy maybe?) i have mentioned this fact to her in the distant past . my wifes reply was "do we need to say that to each other after 23 odd years "

during the fantasy sex, she was so much more into it than normal..she had dressed up in her sexy gear full make up stockings ect . I could not enjoy it as i kept thinking this is not for me it is for him .. I could not finish the sex in our normal way.. but she seemed satisfied.. later she said she wanted to call me by this other guys name during sex but didn,t encase it put me off. ?
any views would be most welcome
Matt Black
 

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Honey I dont have a lot to say, just that hold strong. I think you should talk to her about this if you dont want to tell her that you found this than tell her that she has changed and why. Maybe she will open up? If not then do what feels right for you, but dont be played the fool.

Stay strong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thank you for your reply
I had found other things she has written as we share the same e-mail account (deleted e mails). We did have words about it, We then decided to get counselling and everything came out in the open.. she realised how I felt and said it was a mid life thing and promised me these thought,s/word,s would stop.. This and a love poem to him where sent after we had 7 sessions with a relate councillor. I have as yet not told my wife i have found these letters. I am to broken hearted I have to face up to the fact she is more interested in this other guy and has been prepared to lie. I also feel that if these feeling she has for this guy stop, she will find somebody else to transfer them to, I have suspicions she is interested in a work colleague. This show. s up with limp excuses about working late and wearing provocative clothes to work, something she has never done up till now..( she refuses point blank to discuss my fears passing it of as paranoia)

I have no real idea how to solve this problem. I am still haunted by what happened when we went to the counselling session. we were asked what we liked most about each other. I manage to reel of many things she struggled for quite a while and said "he keeps a tidy house".. You can imagine how crushed i felt after a reply like that. I have to try and move forward with this but not sure how.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Matt ~ Deep down what does your gut say? Do you think you can save your marriage, do you want to, can you continue to live like this?

draconis
thanks for your reply

Deep down my gut feeling is we are all but finished as a married couple. Im not to sure if we can recover from this as i know it is the tip of the iceberg. for a long time now she has been disengaged from me, and more and more she shows her resentment towards me.
I have now suggested a trial separation. she does not what this to happen I feel it will give her a chance to realise what she had and me a chance to discover i no longer need her betrayals in my life.

wish me luck im going in


Matt
 

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Well, I guess the trial separation will be best for both of you. Who knows? Maybe things can change... But as Draconis asked you, I would recomend you listen to your heart and follow what you think is best.
 

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Draconos is right listen to your heart. You obviously love her but I ask my self if the feelings are mutual. The trial seperation is a good idea, to think things through and see if this is what both of you want. good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
hi just a quick up date

i decided to stay with my wife and try and work around this issue it was working fine till i discovered the man in question is now working in the same office. my wife has no idea i know this and has now changed again .. she has lost about 5 stone and counting and is loolking after herself clothes make up ect .

looks like the end is getting closer by the day
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
hi thanks for the reply

i hope you are right

what where the chances of him working in the same office?

i will watch the situation but feel there is little i can do.

my wife has become very distant and negative towards me.
and has started to work late something she has never done in the past.
 

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This is normal.. Since she was her first she is naturally curious. Yet it is a phase. As long as she doesn't act on it your doing good. Reconnecting is the best way for you to get by this. Focus on you guys and the OM will disappear..
 

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Matt, I speak from experience where my previous marriage fell apart from my ex having extra marital affairs and hoping, just hoping that she would really stop this time. Your wife is already cheating in her heart, she has been the whole time. The acting out of fantasies in such an intense way is proof of that. She has been making love to him, not you while acting out these fantasies. Now that there is a physical presence with the person in question it is over. The biggest thing I learned is that marriage is only a two person process if the other person chooses to be a part of it. She is not choosing to be a part of it. You seem to know this in your heart.

Ask yourself, do you deserve this? No, you deserve better. You need to prepare for the inevitable here, secure your bank accounts and financial records, when my ex was having her last affairs she drained the bank accounts leaving me with zero financial assets so she could have her cake and eat it too. Make sure you have copies of all your personal paperwork and records, begin considering division of assets and property now.

I am all for people working out a tough marriage and trying as long as the will to try is there, but the problem is she clearly has no will to try, she has already left in more ways than one. I am so sorry. Trust me when I say trying to hold on to this one is a lost cause and you will only hurt yourself more deeply in your hopes of desperation. I can tell by how many concessions and second chances you've given that you're the type of person that I was holding onto a false hope that maybe, just maybe she'll come around. Matt you deserve better than that, you do NOT deserve to be put through this crap. YOU ARE NOT 2ND PLACE! So don't settle for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
This is normal.. Since she was her first she is naturally curious. Yet it is a phase. As long as she doesn't act on it your doing good. Reconnecting is the best way for you to get by this. Focus on you guys and the OM will disappear..

thanks for your reply
The phase has been going on for many years on and off ,not quite sure if it is a phase or fantasy. Whatever it is it is destroying me bit by bit.
Also the realisation that she is losing weight dressing well looking after her appearance is not for her it is for him, trying to impress him perhaps.?.
as you can see from my original post this has been going on for a while. she did lose touch with him , but now he works in the same office perhaps either way fate has played a hand
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
iceycat

I do understand what you say perhaps IM in denial. not sure im ready for the ultimatums yet . emotional infidelity can be corrosive within a marriage.

i try to be a good husband i work hard do everything around the house chores maintenance garden ect to keep our home nice
He from what I have been told is a tramp lazy looks way older than his years several broken relationships behind him. But he commands her love and affection I just don,t understand it. perhaps if he was good looking younger and rich it i could understand it but he is undeserving of her love/lust or fantasy.

i would prefer to stay and weather the storm i know it will be difficult but i at least have to try again
 

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Of course Matt, I understand it's completely up to you. Not saying you should issue an ultimatum unless perhaps it's to yourself. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? I recommend it if you haven't. It is a Christian movie so if you're not I don't mean to offend or anything, but this guy has made some mistakes in his marriage and his wife is seeking the affections of another man, it's all about his journey to do what it takes to make things work and the majority of the movie is her spent not giving a crap about him or how hard he's trying to make things work. One thing I liked about the movie is that one of the messages you take away from it is that no matter how hard you try, even if the other person doesn't come around at least you are right with yourself and can hold your head high. Slightly cheesy in some of the acting, but it's a good watch especially for trying to figure this sort of thing out.

I respect your determination and certainly hope she proves worthy of such effort and compassion as you give her. Praying for you.
 

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Read my signature..............
 

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It sounds like your wife is more in love with a fantasy. If she actually got together with this guy, she would begin to see the faults and would likely think OMG! What have I done???

Remember the quote:

"Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it." ~The Physics of Wishing
 

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Hi Matt;

Stop. Don't do anything drastic. I was just reading advice columnist "Ask Amy" in my local paper. There was a letter from somene who could have been your wife. She felt guilty about it. Amy's advice was don't worry about it. Sex lives get old, and the one thing that sex between you can NEVER be is "new" again. If fantasizing helps, go for it. Quite frankly, I'd be thrilled w/ all of the new tail I'm getting, if you know what I mean.

Of course, the guy working in her office adds another dimension, and I can't help you there. But hopefully the above story adds a little perspecive that was missing in the rest of the replies.

Good luck.
 

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To each their own, but no way could I ever be okay with enjoying all the "new tail" while my wife was fantasizing I was someone else.
 
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