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Whether it is BPD, PTSD, depression, or any other psych illness...

The inability of the victim to have an intimate relationship and to feel loved by their life partner after some trigger..victims left to feel extreme shame and guilt and lashing out in anger at those closest to them-not even knowing why...always waiting for the next abandonment or trauma...self sabotaging relationships to at least have some control and avoid being blindsided because they know it's only a matter of time before they are hurt again....always feeling unworthy and acting in a way with the one they love to make them feel even more so-causing a cycle that just can't be broken...having extreme low self esteem and no boundaries...learned helplessness-letting others walk all over them...a life of pure hell that not many can even understand.....

Husbands that loved them left to feel like they are crazy and a failure...

Kids traumatized by divorce of their parents...

All because someone sees fit to sexually molest a young child? Do they have any clue of misery they cause? The many lives they ruin..for their few moments of sexual gratification?

IMO....it deserves capital punishment...
 

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They know exactly what misery they cause and the lives they ruin, that's why they do it's for power.
Sexual abuse is driven by wanting to have power over someone.
Sick but true.
 

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All because someone sees fit to sexually molest a young child? Do they have any clue of misery they cause? The many lives they ruin..for their few moments of sexual gratification?
I had all those symptoms and I wasn't sexually molested. It was a childhood filled with a string of emotional neglect and anger.

I have forgiven my parents for how they raised me. They did the best they could because you see they themselves were abused as children. Hurt people hurt people.

I've spent almost 4 years in therapy to at least try to put a crack in this cycle of abuse that runs rampant in my family. And let me tell you its NOT easy.
 

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What really hurts me is the statute of limitations on such offenses. As I child I could not pursue any kind of legal action, unless under the authority of my guardians (parents).

I will never get an apology. To see him in jail. To even be awarded restitution. To have known a life without this dark cloud in my past.

I, too, have felt and thought all of these things in your post. I'm in IC now, but it could take years, if ever, before I'm "right". :/
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I hate seeing threads like this because it reminds me of how much people truly misunderstand about child sexual abuse.

YES, it has lifelong consequences. And a big part of the reason the effects are so bad is because people react so strongly and negatively.

It's true that power is an element of sex abuse. Power is also an element of every argument a person has with a partner or friend. It's not accurate to say that pedophiles "know" what effects their behaviors will have. Some do and some don't. Some never think about it.

But for everyone who is NOT a pedophile, PLEASE think about how your own reaction to the topic can hurt a child so much more than the abuse alone.

I was molested from infancy until my teen years. I started studying the topic as a teen and at this point, I believe I have as much experience and expertise as just about any expert in the field. What I'm going to lay out for everyone to consider comes from both my personal experiences as well as what I've learned from in-depth discussions with other survivors, perpetrators, and extensive reading.

______________________________________________________

The vast majority of molestation cases do not involve physical damage to the child's body or violence. The same act between two consenting adults would be considered pleasurable.

Hypothetically speaking, IF such acts weren't considered bad by society, the child would not experience the event as a trauma.

To give a comparison, when I was counseling, one of the continuing education segments I attended discussed how to identify signs of child physical abuse. The presenter used slides to show things like sock burns that showed a child had been punished by dipping his feet in near-boiling water, for instance. One slide showed a child's torso with round, red burns every couple inches, and burn lines connected them. The presenter explained that counselors should NOT treat this as abuse when seen in Haitian families because it was a pseudo-medical practice believed to remove fevers by rolling a boiling hot egg over the child's body. The children who endured the treatments were grateful and believed their lives had been saved by it.

So just for the sake of discussion, consider how a molested child would perceive an act of fondling if everyone around the child said, "Oh, it's ok as long as you liked it."

Of course, we don't do that here. Instead, we do something very different that damages the child much worse than the abusive act. We hear about something that happened and we say, "OHMYGODYOURLIFEISRUINEDNOW!" and tell the child that the pedophile is a monster.

This has some terrible and important effects. For one thing, the child often perceives this reaction and believes he or she now has something wrong with their life and that they'll probably not be able to make it right. It literally destroys their sense of hope and optimism. The sexual act is said to "steal a childhood," but so does this type of reaction.

They may be expected to stop loving the abuser if the act was done by a relative or family friend. This compounds the problem. Nobody can simply stop having feelings, but people expect a child to shift from love to hate just that quickly. The child is expected to deny all the good that there may have been in the relationship. This can be very confusing for a child and contribute even more to a sense of shame and guilt, especially if they did find the act pleasurable (which is quite common.)

Then there's another response that hurts the child. The abuser has said not to talk about it, and others say "talk about it." Now the child faces confusion about what he or she really should do. If they talk, they risk destroying the family structure and take the blame for it even if a few people say it's not their fault. Children are inexperienced but not stupid. When a loved one gets arrested and goes to prison for things the child talked to the police about, no matter how much someone says, "It's not your fault" they are going to see the cause/effect of talking as at least a critical point that led to that outcome.

Even when no violence was involved, the act of molestation strips a child of his or her power when it happens. By mandated reporting and thrusting the child into these roles, society further strips the child of his or her own power.

And then, to top it all off, we make ignorant remarks and comments later that only reinforces the damage. "Why didn't you stop it from happening?" We act repulsed and avoid people who talk casually about these kind of events that have happened to them, or go the opposite route and treat them with kid gloves as if they can't handle what happened. The child learns from these experiences that they're an ineffective, powerless person.

I am not saying that molestation is ok by any means. It also causes damage, and I'm not trying to say it doesn't.

But please consider very carefully how your own words and behaviors will be experienced by the child because from the moment of molestation for the rest of their lives, they're going to face these kinds of reactions. These reactions will endure far longer than the molestation and can have just as bad of an effect.

I encourage everyone to consider a few things before taking actions:

- What is the child's relationship with the abuser? If it's significant, how will the child be affected by the words or actions taken?

- Was any physical damage or violence committed? If not, then treating the event as a HORRIBLE thing can further shame. Instead, consider teaching the child that some things are reserved for adults, and will be enjoyable one day, but that right now, it's not acceptable for them at their current age.

- Ask the child what he or she wants to see happen. Consider very carefully that stripping the child of more power can re-victimize him or her.

- Look for ways to protect the child while preserving his or her dignity as much as possible.
 

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Doesn't take sexual abuse to screw up a kid and make them a BPD'er. I wasn't sexually abused. Just emotionally, verbally and physically. I was raped at 14 but, it was a stranger. Thank God for that much.
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Kathy, I agree that peoples' responses to these kinds of things can exacerbate the feelings of being "wronged".

In my situation, however, I knew something was "wrong" the second my offender entered into my bedroom and locked the door behind him. I knew something was very, very wrong when my little brother sat, screaming outside my locked bedroom door and my offender didn't care. He was supposed to be baby-sitting us. Instead, he held me against my will for HOURS while he did what he pleased with me, despite my telling him "No" and "I don't want to" and "I want to go downstairs". Not only did he hold me in the room against my will, he physically held me down on the floor and on my bed. I knew this was all wrong before anyone had a chance to tell me otherwise.

Furthermore, my family pretty much swept it under the rug. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor's office, and we moved out of state shortly after. I do not think that my mom thinks I remember any of it, but I do, and in scary detail.

Maybe, NOT acknowledging the harm that was done is just as bad as "exaggerating" it.

In either case, this was something that was always, always, always on my mind as I grew up. Was it the reason my parents' relationship fell apart? Was it the reason my dad didn't want anything to do with me - but doted on my younger brothers and sister? Every thought always lead back to it. I was ashamed and figured that it was why I felt like I was being treated differently than my siblings. I figured that it was what I "deserved".

And yet, other than the night it happened, I don't remember my parents ever talking about it me. If it weren't for my little brother telling my mom that the babysitter locked himself in my room and "pulled my pants down", I may have very well never told anyone. Ever. I don't remember my mom's reaction being very extreme that night when she came home. I do remember her asking me some pointed questions (like where he touched me), but she was level and cool, not "upset".

Suddenly feeling like I've talked about myself and my situation too much. Not meaning to thread-jack, but I wanted to emphasize that my feelings about what happened to me were already in my mind before the event was even over. :/
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I consider myself an objective person; i could be wrong, but i consider myself one. I think both Kathy and YinPrinces make some good points. I did not have molestation in my family, but I have been friends with some people who have been molested. I think for the most part, the child already knows something is "wrong," and I think the "sweep under the rug" approach is the wrong move.

The reaction that i hate the most is when, if it's done by a family member, the rest of the family tries to make the molested person feel like the "bad guy" because they feel they make too big of a deal of it, or the family just flat out denies that it happened. Those are the people that i would like to spit Beech Nut in their eye and....
 

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Yin, what you described is definitely violent!

I don't advocate sweeping anything under the rug. I just hate that so many kids cannot be genuine about themselves and their experiences because of how people respond and how much it hurts them. I don't believe there are any good answers, but I have a strong response to statements about death penalties and such.

In my case, the abuse came from my father and did not involve violence, but started when I was an infant and endured until I was a teen. He also induced other adults and boys to molest me. Nonetheless, he was my "dad" and was also one of the few supporters I had while growing up. I was called a "cold-hearted, lying B...." when I finally told my mother. I had boyfriends who told me that I was "damaged goods" on more than one occasion. And so on and so on.

In a case like yours, where violence is involved, I think violence responses are called for, but in instances like mine, those same responses can be worse than the molestation.
 
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