I hate seeing threads like this because it reminds me of how much people truly misunderstand about child sexual abuse.
YES, it has lifelong consequences. And a big part of the reason the effects are so bad is because people react so strongly and negatively.
It's true that power is an element of sex abuse. Power is also an element of every argument a person has with a partner or friend. It's not accurate to say that pedophiles "know" what effects their behaviors will have. Some do and some don't. Some never think about it.
But for everyone who is NOT a pedophile, PLEASE think about how your own reaction to the topic can hurt a child so much more than the abuse alone.
I was molested from infancy until my teen years. I started studying the topic as a teen and at this point, I believe I have as much experience and expertise as just about any expert in the field. What I'm going to lay out for everyone to consider comes from both my personal experiences as well as what I've learned from in-depth discussions with other survivors, perpetrators, and extensive reading.
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The vast majority of molestation cases do not involve physical damage to the child's body or violence. The same act between two consenting adults would be considered pleasurable.
Hypothetically speaking, IF such acts weren't considered bad by society, the child would not experience the event as a trauma.
To give a comparison, when I was counseling, one of the continuing education segments I attended discussed how to identify signs of child physical abuse. The presenter used slides to show things like sock burns that showed a child had been punished by dipping his feet in near-boiling water, for instance. One slide showed a child's torso with round, red burns every couple inches, and burn lines connected them. The presenter explained that counselors should NOT treat this as abuse when seen in Haitian families because it was a pseudo-medical practice believed to remove fevers by rolling a boiling hot egg over the child's body. The children who endured the treatments were grateful and believed their lives had been saved by it.
So just for the sake of discussion, consider how a molested child would perceive an act of fondling if everyone around the child said, "Oh, it's ok as long as you liked it."
Of course, we don't do that here. Instead, we do something very different that damages the child much worse than the abusive act. We hear about something that happened and we say, "OHMYGODYOURLIFEISRUINEDNOW!" and tell the child that the pedophile is a monster.
This has some terrible and important effects. For one thing, the child often perceives this reaction and believes he or she now has something wrong with their life and that they'll probably not be able to make it right. It literally destroys their sense of hope and optimism. The sexual act is said to "steal a childhood," but so does this type of reaction.
They may be expected to stop loving the abuser if the act was done by a relative or family friend. This compounds the problem. Nobody can simply stop having feelings, but people expect a child to shift from love to hate just that quickly. The child is expected to deny all the good that there may have been in the relationship. This can be very confusing for a child and contribute even more to a sense of shame and guilt, especially if they did find the act pleasurable (which is quite common.)
Then there's another response that hurts the child. The abuser has said not to talk about it, and others say "talk about it." Now the child faces confusion about what he or she really should do. If they talk, they risk destroying the family structure and take the blame for it even if a few people say it's not their fault. Children are inexperienced but not stupid. When a loved one gets arrested and goes to prison for things the child talked to the police about, no matter how much someone says, "It's not your fault" they are going to see the cause/effect of talking as at least a critical point that led to that outcome.
Even when no violence was involved, the act of molestation strips a child of his or her power when it happens. By mandated reporting and thrusting the child into these roles, society further strips the child of his or her own power.
And then, to top it all off, we make ignorant remarks and comments later that only reinforces the damage. "Why didn't you stop it from happening?" We act repulsed and avoid people who talk casually about these kind of events that have happened to them, or go the opposite route and treat them with kid gloves as if they can't handle what happened. The child learns from these experiences that they're an ineffective, powerless person.
I am not saying that molestation is ok by any means. It also causes damage, and I'm not trying to say it doesn't.
But please consider very carefully how your own words and behaviors will be experienced by the child because from the moment of molestation for the rest of their lives, they're going to face these kinds of reactions. These reactions will endure far longer than the molestation and can have just as bad of an effect.
I encourage everyone to consider a few things before taking actions:
- What is the child's relationship with the abuser? If it's significant, how will the child be affected by the words or actions taken?
- Was any physical damage or violence committed? If not, then treating the event as a HORRIBLE thing can further shame. Instead, consider teaching the child that some things are reserved for adults, and will be enjoyable one day, but that right now, it's not acceptable for them at their current age.
- Ask the child what he or she wants to see happen. Consider very carefully that stripping the child of more power can re-victimize him or her.
- Look for ways to protect the child while preserving his or her dignity as much as possible.
