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Discussion Starter #1
Here are the basic facts:

  • I am a WW who had an EA. It went on for about 6 months and ended 15 months ago.
  • My xOM was a colleague. He is no longer with the company. We are no longer in contact and he lives across the country.
  • I travel frequently between 2 – 3 of our offices (none of which are near AP).
  • I share my travel itinerary with my husband, he is able to see my confirmation numbers, reservation numbers and hotel/car reservation information.
  • D-Day was 15 months ago when hubby found pictures texted between us that were stored on Sprint’s picture mail server (apparently pictures sent via text are auto uploaded). He confronted me and also the xOM.
  • He wanted me to stay and work things out.
  • We conceived a child during the working things out period.
  • He is disabled and unable to work so he is a stay at home dad. We did arrange for a sitter for ‘sanity afternoons’ as he needs.
We did a lot of rug sweeping after D-day to make things normal. For a period of time, everything seemed really great. Now that I’ve returned to work, he’s definitely anxious and really starting to freak out a bit. He has FINALLY agreed to marriage counseling which I’ve been asking him to do for years. Our first appointment is 10/31.

Here’s the question (sorry for all of that): I’m traveling this week for a few days for work (this isn’t optional, it’s what pays the bills in our household). He hasn’t said anything directly but I can tell this is really triggering him.

What can I do to help with this? I don’t want a big blow up or fight right before I leave and want to make things better for all of us.
 

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Nothing you do or say will remove his fear that you are susceptible to falling for a co-worker, it doesn't matter that you don't intend to, he only knows that you've shown a predisposition to doing it. That being said, it seems the smartest thing to do is sit with him and tell him you know he's uneasy and that you'll do whatever he needs you to do to help him feel more comfortable.

T
 

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OK, since you're determined to keep working on things with this guy...........................

I assume there's no way he can come? That's what I did on the first trip my hubby had to take.

My husband had to go away alone not long after D day #2, and what he did was write me one letter for each day he was going to be gone. Some were romantic, some were remembrances, whatever. He gave them to me and told me to open one each day and I did. Most helped, one triggered me though. But it was the thought that meant something - the fact he knew and wanted to help me feel better. He also had written me an 'apology letter' for me to keep with me and read whenever I needed to when I couldn't talk to him. So that helped.

He also emailed me his itinerary every day and texted me as much as he could whenever he could. We didn't have a long distance plan, but now we do, so if he was to go away now he would call to say good morning, call on his lunch, talk to me at night.

I won't lie, it was REALLY FREAKING HARD. But we got through it and it's only a memory now, and not a particularly bad one.
 

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Here are the basic facts:

  • I am a WW who had an EA. It went on for about 6 months and ended 15 months ago.
  • My xOM was a colleague. He is no longer with the company. We are no longer in contact and he lives across the country.
  • I travel frequently between 2 – 3 of our offices (none of which are near AP).
  • I share my travel itinerary with my husband, he is able to see my confirmation numbers, reservation numbers and hotel/car reservation information.
  • D-Day was 15 months ago when hubby found pictures texted between us that were stored on Sprint’s picture mail server (apparently pictures sent via text are auto uploaded). He confronted me and also the xOM.
  • He wanted me to stay and work things out.
  • We conceived a child during the working things out period.
  • He is disabled and unable to work so he is a stay at home dad. We did arrange for a sitter for ‘sanity afternoons’ as he needs.
We did a lot of rug sweeping after D-day to make things normal. For a period of time, everything seemed really great. Now that I’ve returned to work, he’s definitely anxious and really starting to freak out a bit. He has FINALLY agreed to marriage counseling which I’ve been asking him to do for years. Our first appointment is 10/31.

Here’s the question (sorry for all of that): I’m traveling this week for a few days for work (this isn’t optional, it’s what pays the bills in our household). He hasn’t said anything directly but I can tell this is really triggering him.

What can I do to help with this? I don’t want a big blow up or fight right before I leave and want to make things better for all of us.
First off, kudos to you for considering your H's feelings here.

If I were you, I would flirt with your H via text as much as possible while you are gone. Call him at night. Share with him what happened during the day, even boring stuff. Engage with him. Tell him you wish he was there with you.
 

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If I was your husband, here's what I would need

1. Have my wife reassure me. Have her tell me that she sees I'm anxious and she understands and she takes responsibility for it. That she wants to come up with some things together that will help me, and in turn her, through this.
2. Talk with me about what would help me. A phone call every hour (when not on company time). A bed time and wake up call. Skype running in the room (I read this on here and this was a GREAT idea). You could set up a laptop or mobile device, anything really on the hotels wifi (so there's no charge) and just have it running kind of like a security camera. Your husband could pop in and out to check on you. You can leave messages. You could let him know when you're going out to eat and what time you'll be back (make sure you follow through with it REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING ELSE). etc.

That's all you can do. Just reassure and verify as much as humanly possible.

PS, when you're going to bed, put the device somewhere so he can see your face while you sleep. I know it sounds silly but when my wife travels, I'd LOVE to be able to watch her while she sleeps. I'd feel so incredibly connected to her (and this is without infidelity issues.)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
OK, since you're determined to keep working on things with this guy...........................

I assume there's no way he can come? That's what I did on the first trip my hubby had to take.

My husband had to go away alone not long after D day #2, and what he did was write me one letter for each day he was going to be gone. Some were romantic, some were remembrances, whatever. He gave them to me and told me to open one each day and I did. Most helped, one triggered me though. But it was the thought that meant something - the fact he knew and wanted to help me feel better. He also had written me an 'apology letter' for me to keep with me and read whenever I needed to when I couldn't talk to him. So that helped.

He also emailed me his itinerary every day and texted me as much as he could whenever he could. We didn't have a long distance plan, but now we do, so if he was to go away now he would call to say good morning, call on his lunch, talk to me at night.

I won't lie, it was REALLY FREAKING HARD. But we got through it and it's only a memory now, and not a particularly bad one.
I am going to give it every effort with MC/IC and see if we can revive this. I have been reading this site like a madwoman and really seeing quite a few places where we just let it all fall apart. I'm amazed we have feelings left for each other so it does give me a bit of hope (pun not intended).

I would LOVE it if he could come with us but with the little one and two dogs, that just won't work.

The idea of the letters is awesome. I really like that one. It reminds me of what I used to do when he was gone filming for a month or two at a time and I'd leave romantic cards in his suitcase in various clothing so he'd find them at different times.

I usually do call in the morning and evening so I'll ramp that up even more.
 

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Nothing you do or say will remove his fear that you are susceptible to falling for a co-worker, it doesn't matter that you don't intend to, he only knows that you've shown a predisposition to doing it. That being said, it seems the smartest thing to do is sit with him and tell him you know he's uneasy and that you'll do whatever he needs you to do to help him feel more comfortable.

T
:iagree:

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Discussion Starter #8
I really like the Skype idea - that's simple enough to do.

As for the flirting via texting, that's been a touchy one. I think it's been a trigger for him so maybe I should talk to him about that one first.
 

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I assume the business trip isn't optional. If it was, I would tell you to not go.

But best way, would be to call him every night, even if it is late, tell him you are going to bed, send flirty text, and another VERY important thing:
DON'T DRINK ON THE TRIP!!!

I have gone a few.
I can't tell you how many marriages have been destroyed by drinking while on a business trip in a different city.
 

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Flirty texts are a no no for me, have been since d day and not something either of us really care to do because he did so much of it with his 'models'.
 

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Oh yes - very good - no drinking definitely! It never ceases to amaze me that there are companies that EXPECT their employees to go out drinking with their co workers when they're away on business trips. That is just asking for huge trouble. It's bad enough that they're made to feel guilty for not going to 'team building functions' that don't allow spouses, which invariably involve alcohol, in the city where we live.

Sorry, bit of a personal pet peeve there :D
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yeah, we often have after hours events with alcohol. I try to include hubby as I can but that's gotten exponentially more complicated now with the baby.

It's noticeable to not drink so I enlist the help of the bartender to pour me a tonic (no booze) with lime in the SAME glass that they serve alcohol and just sip it along with everyone else. I learned this trick from a friend of mine who's going through the AA program.

I know we have lunch meetings schedule with the whole leadership team but I didn't see a dinner. I'll reach out to my boss and see - better to know ahead of time than spring something on hubby unexpected while I'm gone.
 

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My H cheated on work conferences, and for me now, that is a no go area. I can't personally deal with the triggers and trauma and worry of 'he might be' because he's had too much to drink, and some other woman is giving him an inch.

My H seemed to forget he had a wife and family that he apparently loves and wants to remain with, because he drank too much and felt an urge he couldn't put aside. So, from this day forward he will have to spend more time travelling, and no time spending the night away from his home.

This will ultimately cause issues, with me and his job.....I do not doubt that. But he messed up and this is the consequence.

I don't envy your husband, he will be feeling terrible.

If I could give you some advice, don't drink! Text and phone him often as is possible. Be sure to phone last thing at night, no matter how late it gets and first thing in the morning. It might just take the edge of it for him, if you really have. O choice but to go, and he has no choice to go with you.
 

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Yeah, we often have after hours events with alcohol. I try to include hubby as I can but that's gotten exponentially more complicated now with the baby.

It's noticeable to not drink so I enlist the help of the bartender to pour me a tonic (no booze) with lime in the SAME glass that they serve alcohol and just sip it along with everyone else. I learned this trick from a friend of mine who's going through the AA program.

I know we have lunch meetings schedule with the whole leadership team but I didn't see a dinner. I'll reach out to my boss and see - better to know ahead of time than spring something on hubby unexpected while I'm gone.
I actually had the exact opposite situation. I was at a work conference when I found out my wife was having an EA. So the next time I went out of town, it was ME who had the serious triggers. And most people I know behave themselves at out of town events. The cheaters are the exceptions.

I nearly had to stay at the exact same hotel, on the exact anniversary of DDay1. Got out of going to that conference again.

The biggest issue is simply the separation, whether work, vacation, or family obligation. There are going to be times when you can't be together, and surviving those days is paramount. Strategies for when you are separated need to be addressed and strategized ahead of time. Just ask your H what he needs. Express to him that you'll do whatever it takes, but that these trips are necessary for your job.
 

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Talk to him. Communicate with him as much as you can. If you're talking to him you are in his head. As long as you are in his head his imagination can't get in there and start creating all kinds of bad thoughts and situations.

Share everything about your trip, your seat on the airplane, your room number - all of the mundane details. Give him more than he ask for.
 

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My H cheated on work conferences, and for me now, that is a no go area. I can't personally deal with the triggers and trauma and worry of 'he might be' because he's had too much to drink, and some other woman is giving him an inch.
Y'know, if the the whole "family values" crowd really wanted to make a positive impact, they might worry more about trade shows and conferences than what the gays are up to.

Not only that trade shows and conferences are a complete waste of company resources. Marketing departments everywhere seem to be staffed by dinosaurs with no business sense still championing these events.
 

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My WW travels for work...It can't be avoided. Her OM is in the same industry. Here are our rules-
1- Full itinerary ahead of time
2- If HE has a chance of being in the same town (conference) I go
3- If they must go out to dinner- she is allowed 1 glass of wine
4- If the client goes home, she goes to the room- no hanging out with colleagues after client heads out. No hotel bar scene.
5- No one-on-one dinners with men period. If her boss wants to talk they can meet in an office, etc. No dinners with one man including clients.
6- Phone on and answered at all times. If she has to get up from dinner to answer so be it. All texts answered.
7- We do a christian devotional each night she travels. We each read it that day and go over it each night on the phone.

These rules have really helped me deal with my anxiety. I still stress a bit, but these rules help a lot.
 

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Y'know, if the the whole "family values" crowd really wanted to make a positive impact, they might worry more about trade shows and conferences than what the gays are up to.

Not only that trade shows and conferences are a complete waste of company resources. Marketing departments everywhere seem to be staffed by dinosaurs with no business sense still championing these events.
Trade shows and conferences are the bane of society. They are just an excuse to hook up.
 

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No bar time. Give H a call as you are laying in bed and tell him what is on TV. Text before you go to sleep and as soon as you are up.

No late nights. Help your H
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Fortunately this is not a convention but I do have those several times a year. This is just a trip to another office. I have my day completely booked so no free time and a dinner planned with two girlfriends. They both know about the EA so they are supportive of keeping me on point.

Hubby and I had a conversation about the trip. I think he's a bit doubtful about my sincerity. I can't control that but I can do what I've promised to do.
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